Wednesday, 17 September 2014

[No. 251] A diamond as big as a planet

A diamond as big as the Ritz? Fuck that shit!

And, er ... / let's go! / yeah, no time to waste[1], and we gotta get DIZZY all a-ROUND until our heads are gone and the diamond is found[1], and, er ... / let's go! / yeah, no time to waste[2], and I'm talking about a massive diamond, man! / ... / oh, it is a planet, and it's out there somewhere[1], and we gotta get DIZZY all a-ROUND until our heads are gone and the diamond is found[2], and forget about any sort of ship coming in ...[1], and I'm talking about a massive diamond, man! / ... / oh, it is a planet, and it's out there somewhere[2], and you make your own luck[1], and forget about any sort of ship coming in ...[2], and we don't need the end of no stinking rainbow, man, but I reckon we better get beyond the THREE, you dig?[1], and you make your own luck[2], and here is the place where dreams start to come true[1], and we don't need the end of no stinking rainbow, man, but I reckon we better get beyond the THREE, you dig?[2], and do YOU(!) believe?[1], and here is the place where dreams start to come true[2], and it's a diamond, a diamond as big as a planet, a diamond, a diamond that actually is ... a planet![1], and do YOU(!) believe?[2], and when we finally get our minds on it, how many fair-weather friends will come out of the woodwork?[1], and it's a diamond, a diamond as big as a planet, a diamond, a diamond that actually is ... a planet![2], and nobody knows you when you ain't got two pennies to rub together - that's a scientific fact![1], and when we finally get our minds on it, how many fair-weather friends will come out of the woodwork?[2], and when our planet falls from the sky ...[1], and nobody knows you when you ain't got two pennies to rub together - that's a scientific fact![2], and ... we're looking up, full of hope / oh, where is it? / It's our minds that will catch it, believe![1], and when our planet falls from the sky ...[2], and we deserve the best things in life[1], and ... we're looking up, full of hope / oh, where is it? / It's our minds that will catch it, believe![2], and there's gonna be BIG CHANGES a-ROUND here ... when our planet hits us[1], and we deserve the best things in life[2], and it goes without saying ... that I'm staying POSITIVE[1], and there's gonna be BIG CHANGES a-ROUND here ... when our planet hits us[2], and, er ... / let's go! / yeah, no time to waste[3], and it goes without saying ... that I'm staying POSITIVE[2], and we gotta get DIZZY all a-ROUND until our heads are gone and the diamond is found[3], and I'm talking about a massive diamond, man! / ... / oh, it is a planet, and it's out there somewhere[3], and forget about any sort of ship coming in ...[3], and you make your own luck[3], and we don't need the end of no stinking rainbow, man, but I reckon we better get beyond the THREE, you dig?[3], and here is the place where dreams start to come true[3], and do YOU(!) believe?[3], and it's a diamond, a diamond as big as a planet, a diamond, a diamond that actually is ... a planet![3], and when we finally get our minds on it, how many fair-weather friends will come out of the woodwork?[3], and nobody knows you when you ain't got two pennies to rub together - that's a scientific fact![3], and when our planet falls from the sky ...[3], and ... we're looking up, full of hope / oh, where is it? / It's our minds that will catch it, believe![3], and we deserve the best things in life[3], and there's gonna be BIG CHANGES a-ROUND here ... when our planet hits us[3], and it goes without saying ... that I'm staying POSITIVE[3], and

And, er ... / let's go! / yeah, no time to waste[1], and we gotta get DIZZY all a-ROUND until our heads are gone and the diamond is found[1], and, er ... / let's go! / yeah, no time to waste[2], and I'm talking about a massive diamond, man! / ... / oh, it is a planet, and it's out there somewhere[1], and we gotta get DIZZY all a-ROUND until our heads are gone and the diamond is found[2], and forget about any sort of ship coming in ...[1], and I'm talking about a massive diamond, man! / ... / oh, it is a planet, and it's out there somewhere[2], and you make your own luck[1], and forget about any sort of ship coming in ...[2], and we don't need the end of no stinking rainbow, man, but I reckon we better get beyond the THREE, you dig?[1], and you make your own luck[2], and here is the place where dreams start to come true[1], and we don't need the end of no stinking rainbow, man, but I reckon we better get beyond the THREE, you dig?[2], and do YOU(!) believe?[1], and here is the place where dreams start to come true[2], and it's a diamond, a diamond as big as a planet, a diamond, a diamond that actually is ... a planet![1], and do YOU(!) believe?[2], and when we finally get our minds on it, how many fair-weather friends will come out of the woodwork?[1], and it's a diamond, a diamond as big as a planet, a diamond, a diamond that actually is ... a planet![2], and nobody knows you when you ain't got two pennies to rub together - that's a scientific fact![1], and when we finally get our minds on it, how many fair-weather friends will come out of the woodwork?[2], and when our planet falls from the sky ...[1], and nobody knows you when you ain't got two pennies to rub together - that's a scientific fact![2], and ... we're looking up, full of hope / oh, where is it? / It's our minds that will catch it, believe![1], and when our planet falls from the sky ...[2], and we deserve the best things in life[1], and ... we're looking up, full of hope / oh, where is it? / It's our minds that will catch it, believe![2], and there's gonna be BIG CHANGES a-ROUND here ... when our planet hits us[1], and we deserve the best things in life[2], and it goes without saying ... that I'm staying POSITIVE[1], and there's gonna be BIG CHANGES a-ROUND here ... when our planet hits us[2], and, er ... / let's go! / yeah, no time to waste[3], and it goes without saying ... that I'm staying POSITIVE[2], and we gotta get DIZZY all a-ROUND until our heads are gone and the diamond is found[3], and I'm talking about a massive diamond, man! / ... / oh, it is a planet, and it's out there somewhere[3], and forget about any sort of ship coming in ...[3], and you make your own luck[3], and we don't need the end of no stinking rainbow, man, but I reckon we better get beyond the THREE, you dig?[3], and here is the place where dreams start to come true[3], and do YOU(!) believe?[3], and it's a diamond, a diamond as big as a planet, a diamond, a diamond that actually is ... a planet![3], and when we finally get our minds on it, how many fair-weather friends will come out of the woodwork?[3], and nobody knows you when you ain't got two pennies to rub together - that's a scientific fact![3], and when our planet falls from the sky ...[3], and ... we're looking up, full of hope / oh, where is it? / It's our minds that will catch it, believe![3], and we deserve the best things in life[3], and there's gonna be BIG CHANGES a-ROUND here ... when our planet hits us[3], and it goes without saying ... that I'm staying POSITIVE[3], and

And, er ... / let's go! / yeah, no time to waste[1], and we gotta get DIZZY all a-ROUND until our heads are gone and the diamond is found[1], and, er ... / let's go! / yeah, no time to waste[2], and I'm talking about a massive diamond, man! / ... / oh, it is a planet, and it's out there somewhere[1], and we gotta get DIZZY all a-ROUND until our heads are gone and the diamond is found[2], and forget about any sort of ship coming in ...[1], and I'm talking about a massive diamond, man! / ... / oh, it is a planet, and it's out there somewhere[2], and you make your own luck[1], and forget about any sort of ship coming in ...[2], and we don't need the end of no stinking rainbow, man, but I reckon we better get beyond the THREE, you dig?[1], and you make your own luck[2], and here is the place where dreams start to come true[1], and we don't need the end of no stinking rainbow, man, but I reckon we better get beyond the THREE, you dig?[2], and do YOU(!) believe?[1], and here is the place where dreams start to come true[2], and it's a diamond, a diamond as big as a planet, a diamond, a diamond that actually is ... a planet![1], and do YOU(!) believe?[2], and when we finally get our minds on it, how many fair-weather friends will come out of the woodwork?[1], and it's a diamond, a diamond as big as a planet, a diamond, a diamond that actually is ... a planet![2], and nobody knows you when you ain't got two pennies to rub together - that's a scientific fact![1], and when we finally get our minds on it, how many fair-weather friends will come out of the woodwork?[2], and when our planet falls from the sky ...[1], and nobody knows you when you ain't got two pennies to rub together - that's a scientific fact![2], and ... we're looking up, full of hope / oh, where is it? / It's our minds that will catch it, believe![1], and when our planet falls from the sky ...[2], and we deserve the best things in life[1], and ... we're looking up, full of hope / oh, where is it? / It's our minds that will catch it, believe![2], and there's gonna be BIG CHANGES a-ROUND here ... when our planet hits us[1], and we deserve the best things in life[2], and it goes without saying ... that I'm staying POSITIVE[1], and there's gonna be BIG CHANGES a-ROUND here ... when our planet hits us[2], and, er ... / let's go! / yeah, no time to waste[3], and it goes without saying ... that I'm staying POSITIVE[2], and we gotta get DIZZY all a-ROUND until our heads are gone and the diamond is found[3], and I'm talking about a massive diamond, man! / ... / oh, it is a planet, and it's out there somewhere[3], and forget about any sort of ship coming in ...[3], and you make your own luck[3], and we don't need the end of no stinking rainbow, man, but I reckon we better get beyond the THREE, you dig?[3], and here is the place where dreams start to come true[3], and do YOU(!) believe?[3], and it's a diamond, a diamond as big as a planet, a diamond, a diamond that actually is ... a planet![3], and when we finally get our minds on it, how many fair-weather friends will come out of the woodwork?[3], and nobody knows you when you ain't got two pennies to rub together - that's a scientific fact![3], and when our planet falls from the sky ...[3], and ... we're looking up, full of hope / oh, where is it? / It's our minds that will catch it, believe![3], and we deserve the best things in life[3], and there's gonna be BIG CHANGES a-ROUND here ... when our planet hits us[3], and it goes without saying ... that I'm staying POSITIVE[3], and

Citigroup has $62 trillion of open contracts!

Well, it did have ... at the end of June. You know, derivatives. I don't know how many open contracts Citigroup has now. ('Probably around the same, boss. Although JPMorgan has more.') Not sure I really care. Still, it's impressive, ain't it? I just hope there's not a big disaster or anything. We don't want another crisis. Imagine all the exciting stories, banks collapsing and shit. The financial media hates exciting stories like that.

It's much better to write about trillions in open contracts. ('Trillions!') Trillions!!! All that money ... / Uh ... well. Christ. / In other news, someone has bought a diamond, a blue one, for $28 million - which is nothing. ('Ha!') Nothing! We were talking about trillions of dollars only a moment ago, now we're talking about millions. ('Not even billions, Mikey. Fucking hell!') It's pretty depressing ... / I feel sorry for the guy who has bought it. How must he feel knowing that there are trillions of dollars in the world? He must realize he ain't impressing anyone with his new diamond.

Of course, the guy who dug it out of the ground got ... what? What did he get, exactly?! ('He kept his job, boss.') Christ! (Why is Voice in brackets today?) / I reckon there are planets in outer space made of pure diamond. 'Really? / Oh, screw the brackets, man!' Hello, Voice. Yeah, I'm sure I've read about them. You know what? I'd like to build a spaceship, man, and visit one of these planets, cut big chunks out of it, and then bring the chunks of diamond back to earth. I wouldn't be Mr Popular, would I? I'd still like to do it though. 'What?! You'd be popular with the ladies, boss.' I'm talking about the mining companies, Voice. I'd put them out of business.

Anything else? Well, I've got my favourite cheese sandwich for lunch today, from Morrisons. Cheese and Tomato. Only £1. A bargain! / After lunch, I'll be working on a conceptual, No. 251. A diamond as big as a planet. 'Nice one!' Yeah ...

Tuesday, 16 September 2014

Brian Hunter pays $750,000 for the privilege of not trading any more

Sounds like a strange deal, don't it? Why would anyone pay money not to trade? 'Don't be silly, boss. It's a fine. Brian Hunter has been fined $750,000 by the U.S. Commodity Futures Trading Commission for attempting to manipulate natural gas futures prices - according to them.' Oh. 'Amaranth Advisors collapsed because of it. Years ago! 2006!' Ah, the apple trees! When the world was young, et cetera. / So, is Brian banned from trading? 'I'm not sure, man. It's very confusing. I think he's banned from some trading.' Some? Not all? 'I don't know.' / Well, well, well ... dear reader(s), you don't come here for the facts anyway, do you? You come here for the rock and roll, the laughs, the great artistry, and my astonishing charisma.

Er ... where are we now? That's enough finance.

Politics?! Scotland? Oh, all right. If you insist. / I fear David Cameron has left it too late. The emotion, and tears. If Cameron had wanted to keep Scotland in the Union he would have been more careful with his government's policies. Basically, he has been serving the top 1 per cent of society for the last four years. Millions of "normal" people all over the United Kingdom are pissed off. Unfortunately, some of those millions now have a chance to leave the misery (I mean the Conservative party) behind. / I hope Scotland doesn't vote for independence, mainly because of the mess that will be made. But let's see what happens, eh? Only two days to go!

...

Anything else? ... / Well, I tried writing a conceptual post last night - in my sleep! I'm serious, man. I dreamt it! And I can still remember the title. (I'm not going to use it because it's not very good. Dream-writing is overrated, if you ask me.) A funny thing though ... there was this annoying man looking over my shoulder while I was working on the post. He was like a retired major at the bar in a golf club. You know the sort of person. UKIP supporter, that type. Was he a symbol? 'The dead soul of conservatism, Mikey!' Not bad, Voice!

Monday, 15 September 2014

Aviva Investors has dumped its Global Convertibles Absolute Return fund on Westwood Holdings

Yeah, it's a smart move. (Westwood Holdings is a US firm, by the way. Bit of extra detail.) Fund managers David Clott and Shawn Mato have been kicked out of Aviva Investors, too, because ... they each have a hard-on for hard work. Ha!

Well, I have been speaking to the chief executive of Aviva Investors, Euan Munro. This is what was, er, spoken between us: 'Mikey, beautiful, ain't it, this move? Am I a genius, or am I a genius? (Yeah, you're pretty smart, Euan.) The summer-in-the-park-eating-ice-cream season may be coming to an end but this decision to get rid of two hard-working fund managers and their cockamamie fund means we'll be able to concentrate on the upcoming winter-in-the-pub-drinking-Stella season with no distractions. (Didn't Schroders want the fund?) Well, they manage all our other funds. However, we thought it would be taking the piss asking them to look after the Global Convertibles Absolute Return fund as well. (Oh, you're such crazy guys at Aviva Investors! But this is the future of finance, man.) Yeah. We were thinking of following you into the rock and roll game, Mikey. (Really?) Yeah. Then we read about all the guitar practice you do, and I said to one of the guys here, "Sod that for a game of soldiers!" Do you know what I mean? (Well, it is hard work, Euan. I can only get to the pub once a week.) Once a week?! Ridiculous!'

Ridiculous, dear reader(s)? Maybe, maybe not. I don't know. The way I see it I'm building a future for myself. I am knackered half the time though. I suppose I sort of envy the Aviva Investors mob.

...

Lunch? Oh, give me a chance, man. I haven't been to the shop yet. / Er, I'll probably get a cheese sandwich, but no crisps and no Coke. I'm seriously gonna get healthy now, so ... I'll have a yoghurt and a mug of tea with the sandwich.

After lunch? Use your imagination ...

Friday, 12 September 2014

[No. 250] Let's get DIZZY all a-ROUND with Emmanuel Hermann and Julie Dean!

It's a purifying experience in my experience.

And I'm feeling better already![1], and knowing what's going on is overrated, my friend(s) / We don't need to know NOTHING![1], and I'm feeling better already![2], and hello, Emmanuel! / and hello, Julie! / Meet the freaks ...[1], and knowing what's going on is overrated, my friend(s) / We don't need to know NOTHING![2], and for the sad ones, I can say ... Leste will focus on risk arbitrage, credit, and distressed assets / Are you happy now?[1], and hello, Emmanuel! / and hello, Julie! / Meet the freaks ...[2], and don't kid yourself / You're just like Socrates![1], and for the sad ones, I can say ... Leste will focus on risk arbitrage, credit, and distressed assets / Are you happy now?[2], and for the mad ones, I can say ... Julie Dean joined Schroders when Cazenove was taken over by ... Schroders / All right?[1], and don't kid yourself / You're just like Socrates![2], and DIZZY is only the half of it![1], and for the mad ones, I can say ... Julie Dean joined Schroders when Cazenove was taken over by ... Schroders / All right?[2], and / knowledge is dirt ... in my soul[1], and DIZZY is only the half of it![2], and a-ROUND here ... there is no pain / so why would you want to be over there with those wretched squares, man?[1], and / knowledge is dirt ... in my soul[2], and yeah, yeah, yeah ... / What are we doing with our lives?[1], and a-ROUND here ... there is no pain / so why would you want to be over there with those wretched squares, man?[2], and did you come back here, my sad/mad one, dreaming of a news story that would make sense to your diseased little mind?[1], and yeah, yeah, yeah ... / What are we doing with our lives?[2], and / what can I say - now?[1], and did you come back here, my sad/mad one, dreaming of a news story that would make sense to your diseased little mind?[2], and I don't wanna disappoint nobody, man, but a shaman's gotta do what a shaman's gotta do[1], and / what can I say - now?[2], and this ... is it![1], and I don't wanna disappoint nobody, man, but a shaman's gotta do what a shaman's gotta do[2], and I'm feeling better already![3], and this ... is it![2], and knowing what's going on is overrated, my friend(s) / We don't need to know NOTHING![3], and hello, Emmanuel! / and hello, Julie! / Meet the freaks ...[3], and for the sad ones, I can say ... Leste will focus on risk arbitrage, credit, and distressed assets / Are you happy now?[3], and don't kid yourself / You're just like Socrates![3], and for the mad ones, I can say ... Julie Dean joined Schroders when Cazenove was taken over by ... Schroders / All right?[3], and DIZZY is only the half of it![3], and / knowledge is dirt ... in my soul[3], and a-ROUND here ... there is no pain / so why would you want to be over there with those wretched squares, man?[3], and yeah, yeah, yeah ... / What are we doing with our lives?[3], and did you come back here, my sad/mad one, dreaming of a news story that would make sense to your diseased little mind?[3], and / what can I say - now?[3], and I don't wanna disappoint nobody, man, but a shaman's gotta do what a shaman's gotta do[3], and this ... is it![3], and

And I'm feeling better already![1], and knowing what's going on is overrated, my friend(s) / We don't need to know NOTHING![1], and I'm feeling better already![2], and hello, Emmanuel! / and hello, Julie! / Meet the freaks ...[1], and knowing what's going on is overrated, my friend(s) / We don't need to know NOTHING![2], and for the sad ones, I can say ... Leste will focus on risk arbitrage, credit, and distressed assets / Are you happy now?[1], and hello, Emmanuel! / and hello, Julie! / Meet the freaks ...[2], and don't kid yourself / You're just like Socrates![1], and for the sad ones, I can say ... Leste will focus on risk arbitrage, credit, and distressed assets / Are you happy now?[2], and for the mad ones, I can say ... Julie Dean joined Schroders when Cazenove was taken over by ... Schroders / All right?[1], and don't kid yourself / You're just like Socrates![2], and DIZZY is only the half of it![1], and for the mad ones, I can say ... Julie Dean joined Schroders when Cazenove was taken over by ... Schroders / All right?[2], and / knowledge is dirt ... in my soul[1], and DIZZY is only the half of it![2], and a-ROUND here ... there is no pain / so why would you want to be over there with those wretched squares, man?[1], and / knowledge is dirt ... in my soul[2], and yeah, yeah, yeah ... / What are we doing with our lives?[1], and a-ROUND here ... there is no pain / so why would you want to be over there with those wretched squares, man?[2], and did you come back here, my sad/mad one, dreaming of a news story that would make sense to your diseased little mind?[1], and yeah, yeah, yeah ... / What are we doing with our lives?[2], and / what can I say - now?[1], and did you come back here, my sad/mad one, dreaming of a news story that would make sense to your diseased little mind?[2], and I don't wanna disappoint nobody, man, but a shaman's gotta do what a shaman's gotta do[1], and / what can I say - now?[2], and this ... is it![1], and I don't wanna disappoint nobody, man, but a shaman's gotta do what a shaman's gotta do[2], and I'm feeling better already![3], and this ... is it![2], and knowing what's going on is overrated, my friend(s) / We don't need to know NOTHING![3], and hello, Emmanuel! / and hello, Julie! / Meet the freaks ...[3], and for the sad ones, I can say ... Leste will focus on risk arbitrage, credit, and distressed assets / Are you happy now?[3], and don't kid yourself / You're just like Socrates![3], and for the mad ones, I can say ... Julie Dean joined Schroders when Cazenove was taken over by ... Schroders / All right?[3], and DIZZY is only the half of it![3], and / knowledge is dirt ... in my soul[3], and a-ROUND here ... there is no pain / so why would you want to be over there with those wretched squares, man?[3], and yeah, yeah, yeah ... / What are we doing with our lives?[3], and did you come back here, my sad/mad one, dreaming of a news story that would make sense to your diseased little mind?[3], and / what can I say - now?[3], and I don't wanna disappoint nobody, man, but a shaman's gotta do what a shaman's gotta do[3], and this ... is it![3], and

And I'm feeling better already![1], and knowing what's going on is overrated, my friend(s) / We don't need to know NOTHING![1], and I'm feeling better already![2], and hello, Emmanuel! / and hello, Julie! / Meet the freaks ...[1], and knowing what's going on is overrated, my friend(s) / We don't need to know NOTHING![2], and for the sad ones, I can say ... Leste will focus on risk arbitrage, credit, and distressed assets / Are you happy now?[1], and hello, Emmanuel! / and hello, Julie! / Meet the freaks ...[2], and don't kid yourself / You're just like Socrates![1], and for the sad ones, I can say ... Leste will focus on risk arbitrage, credit, and distressed assets / Are you happy now?[2], and for the mad ones, I can say ... Julie Dean joined Schroders when Cazenove was taken over by ... Schroders / All right?[1], and don't kid yourself / You're just like Socrates![2], and DIZZY is only the half of it![1], and for the mad ones, I can say ... Julie Dean joined Schroders when Cazenove was taken over by ... Schroders / All right?[2], and / knowledge is dirt ... in my soul[1], and DIZZY is only the half of it![2], and a-ROUND here ... there is no pain / so why would you want to be over there with those wretched squares, man?[1], and / knowledge is dirt ... in my soul[2], and yeah, yeah, yeah ... / What are we doing with our lives?[1], and a-ROUND here ... there is no pain / so why would you want to be over there with those wretched squares, man?[2], and did you come back here, my sad/mad one, dreaming of a news story that would make sense to your diseased little mind?[1], and yeah, yeah, yeah ... / What are we doing with our lives?[2], and / what can I say - now?[1], and did you come back here, my sad/mad one, dreaming of a news story that would make sense to your diseased little mind?[2], and I don't wanna disappoint nobody, man, but a shaman's gotta do what a shaman's gotta do[1], and / what can I say - now?[2], and this ... is it![1], and I don't wanna disappoint nobody, man, but a shaman's gotta do what a shaman's gotta do[2], and I'm feeling better already![3], and this ... is it![2], and knowing what's going on is overrated, my friend(s) / We don't need to know NOTHING![3], and hello, Emmanuel! / and hello, Julie! / Meet the freaks ...[3], and for the sad ones, I can say ... Leste will focus on risk arbitrage, credit, and distressed assets / Are you happy now?[3], and don't kid yourself / You're just like Socrates![3], and for the mad ones, I can say ... Julie Dean joined Schroders when Cazenove was taken over by ... Schroders / All right?[3], and DIZZY is only the half of it![3], and / knowledge is dirt ... in my soul[3], and a-ROUND here ... there is no pain / so why would you want to be over there with those wretched squares, man?[3], and yeah, yeah, yeah ... / What are we doing with our lives?[3], and did you come back here, my sad/mad one, dreaming of a news story that would make sense to your diseased little mind?[3], and / what can I say - now?[3], and I don't wanna disappoint nobody, man, but a shaman's gotta do what a shaman's gotta do[3], and this ... is it![3], and

Emmanuel Hermann and Julie Dean ... confusion will keep them together!

Right. Er ... / Confusion! / Let me explain. I made some notes late last night when I was feeling a bit sleepy because I wanted to avoid the dongle twats this morning. I've just had a look at the internet and managed to get Julie Dean's LinkedIn profile in Portuguese before it cut out. (She's not Portuguese as far as I know, but Emmanuel Hermann is Brazilian.) This Hermann guy is not a munster, he's the boss of a new hedge fund, Leste. He's just left BTG Pactual in Brazil where he was a big noise ... or cheese. He was a proprietary trader and responsible for a desk and some chairs. A caretaker as well? [I really need the Voice to help me with this. Where are you, Voice?!] Julie Dean has just left Schroders. LinkedIn says (er, yeah, in Portuguese) that she was working at Cazenove Capital Management. But she wasn't! 'She was at Schroders, boss.' Yes, Voice. Where the fuck have you been, man?! 'Oh ... the world of spirit.' Well, thank Christ you're here now. I can't get a signal, or I can't hold on to a signal for more than a couple of minutes. Those dongle twats are twats! 'Yeah, obviously.' And I've got fragments of two different stories here that make no sense WHATSOEVER(!). I'm close to giving up, son. 'No!' Maybe I should play my guitar for the rest of the day, eh? 'No, you can't do that, Mikey. You have a responsibility to your readers.' Do I? 'Yes. Where else are they going to go, one of those square websites? These people are the coolest people on the planet, daddy-o. They ain't gonna get their news from some square website, are they?' The voice of sanity! Thank you, Voice.

I'll tell you what, dear reader(s): take this post now - as a sort of down payment, as it were - and I'll get to work on a conceptual (No. 250) which will make sense of EVERYTHING(!). 'Is that a good idea, boss?' It's a brilliant idea, Voice. Financial shit makes more sense to me when I'm all a-ROUND and DIZZY. And if it doesn't make sense, who cares? I'm too out of it to care, and so are my readers.

Laters ...

Thursday, 11 September 2014

Will the Scottish people listen to Justin Urquhart-Stewart?

Take a look at this, dear reader(s). Well, well, well ... / If the Scottish people are going to listen to anyone, it's going to be to a double-barrelled banker-type with red braces, ain't it? This is a stroke of genius! Where has Justin Urquhart-Stewart been hiding all this time? The Pro-Union Campaign or Better Together People or Tomorrow's People or whatever they're called certainly missed a trick not using him sooner.

...

On a more serious note, I'm pissing off down the pub today, down by the river with Oliver Cromwell's ghost. (Actually, I've already been. I wrote this earlier but couldn't post it because the mobile dongle twats were being twats again. And I'm talking about a different company this time. They're all as bad as each other. Twats!) So there will be no more posts today. I'll be back tomorrow. No. 250? Tomorrow! Be patient!

Wednesday, 10 September 2014

[No. 249] Who is Panos Theofilopoulos?

It's not Theofilopoulos Panos. I'm absolutely convinced it's not.

And / no surprises[1], and once again and forever ... a fund manager must get DIZZY[1], and / no surprises[2], and Panos' time is now, and it's here / and ... this is bigger than any fund, man[1], and once again and forever ... a fund manager must get DIZZY[2], and if I'm honest (with you, with myself) it doesn't really matter who Panos is / WHO IS ANYONE?[1], and Panos' time is now, and it's here / and ... this is bigger than any fund, man[2], and he belongs to us / that's something we can agree on[1], and if I'm honest (with you, with myself) it doesn't really matter who Panos is / WHO IS ANYONE?[2], and Mad One ... has gone(!), like, totally[1], and he belongs to us / that's something we can agree on[2], and "they" say that both of them are fundamental stock pickers ... well, well, well[1], and Mad One ... has gone(!), like, totally[2], and YOU(!) ... learn something new every day / and I get better with every spin[1], and "they" say that both of them are fundamental stock pickers ... well, well, well[2], and Mad Neil can run away to Australia if he wants to / all the action is a-ROUND here with our Panos, you dig?[1], and YOU(!) ... learn something new every day / and I get better with every spin[2], and for me the action is the juice[1], and Mad Neil can run away to Australia if he wants to / all the action is a-ROUND here with our Panos, you dig?[2], and sometimes ... I like to DREAM(ha!) ... / How many of these fund managers have we known, really known?[1], and for me the action is the juice[2], and a-ROUND, and a-ROUND, and a-ROUND / What else is there to do? Work?! / Not in this life ...[1], and sometimes ... I like to DREAM(ha!) ... / How many of these fund managers have we known, really known?[2], and dreams? WAKE UP! Not here ... ... ... !!![1], and a-ROUND, and a-ROUND, and a-ROUND / What else is there to do? Work?! / Not in this life ...[2], and I'm not interested in FANTASY, man! / and this is our REALITY, man! / Deal with it, yeah?[1], and dreams? WAKE UP! Not here ... ... ... !!![2], and it's Panos, today ... again, and again, and again ... forever![1], and I'm not interested in FANTASY, man! / and this is our REALITY, man! / Deal with it, yeah?[2], and I'm dreaming of tomorrow's victim[1], and it's Panos, today ... again, and again, and again ... forever![2], and / no surprises[3], and I'm dreaming of tomorrow's victim[2], and once again and forever ... a fund manager must get DIZZY[3], and Panos' time is now, and it's here / and ... this is bigger than any fund, man[3], and if I'm honest (with you, with myself) it doesn't really matter who Panos is / WHO IS ANYONE?[3], and he belongs to us / that's something we can agree on[3], and Mad One ... has gone(!), like, totally[3], and "they" say that both of them are fundamental stock pickers ... well, well, well[3], and YOU(!) ... learn something new every day / and I get better with every spin[3], and Mad Neil can run away to Australia if he wants to / all the action is a-ROUND here with our Panos, you dig?[3], and for me the action is the juice[3], and sometimes ... I like to DREAM(ha!) ... / How many of these fund managers have we known, really known?[3], and a-ROUND, and a-ROUND, and a-ROUND / What else is there to do? Work?! / Not in this life ...[3], and dreams? WAKE UP! Not here ... ... ... !!![3], and I'm not interested in FANTASY, man! / and this is our REALITY, man! / Deal with it, yeah?[3], and it's Panos, today ... again, and again, and again ... forever![3], and I'm dreaming of tomorrow's victim[3], and

And / no surprises[1], and once again and forever ... a fund manager must get DIZZY[1], and / no surprises[2], and Panos' time is now, and it's here / and ... this is bigger than any fund, man[1], and once again and forever ... a fund manager must get DIZZY[2], and if I'm honest (with you, with myself) it doesn't really matter who Panos is / WHO IS ANYONE?[1], and Panos' time is now, and it's here / and ... this is bigger than any fund, man[2], and he belongs to us / that's something we can agree on[1], and if I'm honest (with you, with myself) it doesn't really matter who Panos is / WHO IS ANYONE?[2], and Mad One ... has gone(!), like, totally[1], and he belongs to us / that's something we can agree on[2], and "they" say that both of them are fundamental stock pickers ... well, well, well[1], and Mad One ... has gone(!), like, totally[2], and YOU(!) ... learn something new every day / and I get better with every spin[1], and "they" say that both of them are fundamental stock pickers ... well, well, well[2], and Mad Neil can run away to Australia if he wants to / all the action is a-ROUND here with our Panos, you dig?[1], and YOU(!) ... learn something new every day / and I get better with every spin[2], and for me the action is the juice[1], and Mad Neil can run away to Australia if he wants to / all the action is a-ROUND here with our Panos, you dig?[2], and sometimes ... I like to DREAM(ha!) ... / How many of these fund managers have we known, really known?[1], and for me the action is the juice[2], and a-ROUND, and a-ROUND, and a-ROUND / What else is there to do? Work?! / Not in this life ...[1], and sometimes ... I like to DREAM(ha!) ... / How many of these fund managers have we known, really known?[2], and dreams? WAKE UP! Not here ... ... ... !!![1], and a-ROUND, and a-ROUND, and a-ROUND / What else is there to do? Work?! / Not in this life ...[2], and I'm not interested in FANTASY, man! / and this is our REALITY, man! / Deal with it, yeah?[1], and dreams? WAKE UP! Not here ... ... ... !!![2], and it's Panos, today ... again, and again, and again ... forever![1], and I'm not interested in FANTASY, man! / and this is our REALITY, man! / Deal with it, yeah?[2], and I'm dreaming of tomorrow's victim[1], and it's Panos, today ... again, and again, and again ... forever![2], and / no surprises[3], and I'm dreaming of tomorrow's victim[2], and once again and forever ... a fund manager must get DIZZY[3], and Panos' time is now, and it's here / and ... this is bigger than any fund, man[3], and if I'm honest (with you, with myself) it doesn't really matter who Panos is / WHO IS ANYONE?[3], and he belongs to us / that's something we can agree on[3], and Mad One ... has gone(!), like, totally[3], and "they" say that both of them are fundamental stock pickers ... well, well, well[3], and YOU(!) ... learn something new every day / and I get better with every spin[3], and Mad Neil can run away to Australia if he wants to / all the action is a-ROUND here with our Panos, you dig?[3], and for me the action is the juice[3], and sometimes ... I like to DREAM(ha!) ... / How many of these fund managers have we known, really known?[3], and a-ROUND, and a-ROUND, and a-ROUND / What else is there to do? Work?! / Not in this life ...[3], and dreams? WAKE UP! Not here ... ... ... !!![3], and I'm not interested in FANTASY, man! / and this is our REALITY, man! / Deal with it, yeah?[3], and it's Panos, today ... again, and again, and again ... forever![3], and I'm dreaming of tomorrow's victim[3], and

And / no surprises[1], and once again and forever ... a fund manager must get DIZZY[1], and / no surprises[2], and Panos' time is now, and it's here / and ... this is bigger than any fund, man[1], and once again and forever ... a fund manager must get DIZZY[2], and if I'm honest (with you, with myself) it doesn't really matter who Panos is / WHO IS ANYONE?[1], and Panos' time is now, and it's here / and ... this is bigger than any fund, man[2], and he belongs to us / that's something we can agree on[1], and if I'm honest (with you, with myself) it doesn't really matter who Panos is / WHO IS ANYONE?[2], and Mad One ... has gone(!), like, totally[1], and he belongs to us / that's something we can agree on[2], and "they" say that both of them are fundamental stock pickers ... well, well, well[1], and Mad One ... has gone(!), like, totally[2], and YOU(!) ... learn something new every day / and I get better with every spin[1], and "they" say that both of them are fundamental stock pickers ... well, well, well[2], and Mad Neil can run away to Australia if he wants to / all the action is a-ROUND here with our Panos, you dig?[1], and YOU(!) ... learn something new every day / and I get better with every spin[2], and for me the action is the juice[1], and Mad Neil can run away to Australia if he wants to / all the action is a-ROUND here with our Panos, you dig?[2], and sometimes ... I like to DREAM(ha!) ... / How many of these fund managers have we known, really known?[1], and for me the action is the juice[2], and a-ROUND, and a-ROUND, and a-ROUND / What else is there to do? Work?! / Not in this life ...[1], and sometimes ... I like to DREAM(ha!) ... / How many of these fund managers have we known, really known?[2], and dreams? WAKE UP! Not here ... ... ... !!![1], and a-ROUND, and a-ROUND, and a-ROUND / What else is there to do? Work?! / Not in this life ...[2], and I'm not interested in FANTASY, man! / and this is our REALITY, man! / Deal with it, yeah?[1], and dreams? WAKE UP! Not here ... ... ... !!![2], and it's Panos, today ... again, and again, and again ... forever![1], and I'm not interested in FANTASY, man! / and this is our REALITY, man! / Deal with it, yeah?[2], and I'm dreaming of tomorrow's victim[1], and it's Panos, today ... again, and again, and again ... forever![2], and / no surprises[3], and I'm dreaming of tomorrow's victim[2], and once again and forever ... a fund manager must get DIZZY[3], and Panos' time is now, and it's here / and ... this is bigger than any fund, man[3], and if I'm honest (with you, with myself) it doesn't really matter who Panos is / WHO IS ANYONE?[3], and he belongs to us / that's something we can agree on[3], and Mad One ... has gone(!), like, totally[3], and "they" say that both of them are fundamental stock pickers ... well, well, well[3], and YOU(!) ... learn something new every day / and I get better with every spin[3], and Mad Neil can run away to Australia if he wants to / all the action is a-ROUND here with our Panos, you dig?[3], and for me the action is the juice[3], and sometimes ... I like to DREAM(ha!) ... / How many of these fund managers have we known, really known?[3], and a-ROUND, and a-ROUND, and a-ROUND / What else is there to do? Work?! / Not in this life ...[3], and dreams? WAKE UP! Not here ... ... ... !!![3], and I'm not interested in FANTASY, man! / and this is our REALITY, man! / Deal with it, yeah?[3], and it's Panos, today ... again, and again, and again ... forever![3], and I'm dreaming of tomorrow's victim[3], and

Neil Madden or Madden Neil has left Fidelity

It all depends on whom you believe. Do you believe LinkedIn, dear reader(s)? No, I thought not. As I have long suspected some degenerate has been making up profiles on LinkedIn. The question is: WHY?! Why on earth would someone spend their time on such nonsense? 'Maybe it's Neil who did it, boss.' Oh, and why, my lovely Voice, would Neil want to call himself "Madden Neil"? 'I don't know, man. Maybe he's mental. Or at least a little bit eccentric.' Yeah, maybe.

Christ! It doesn't bear thinking about. Is Neil Madden mental? Is he a little bit eccentric? Does this explain why he's left Fidelity and is now seriously considering moving to Australia? Why would he want to stop managing his European Value fund? Why is he calling himself Madden Neil? It's basically Mad Neil, ain't it? Jesus H. Christ! / Yeah, this is what finance does to people. Neil was at Fidelity for twelve years, man. 'That's long enough to disturb anyone's mind, Mikey.' What a nightmare!

And you wonder, dear reader(s), why I'm moving out of the financial shamanism game and into the rock and roll shamanism game. This is why! Syd Barrett at his very worst never went around calling himself Barrett Syd, did he? Fucking hell!

Well, Neil, mate, if you're reading this, good luck with your MBA, and good luck with your new life in Australia (if you're serious about it). Shine on you crazy diamond!

...

Anything else? Well, lunch, then No. 249. I'll be taking Panos Theofilopoulos for a spin. Or Theofilopoulos Panos. He's taking over Neil's fund at Fidelity.

I'll try to squeeze some guitar playing in today. Wednesdays and Thursdays are big blogging days, but the rest of the week(s) I'm gonna be like Coltrane or Hendrix. It's the nuclear option. I don't give a shit any more. My guitar is my life, you dig?

Monday, 8 September 2014

THE NUCLEAR OPTION

This ain't about finance. No, no, no. Cut me some slack, reader(s), for Christ's sake! I'm in pieces! There'll be financial news on Wednesday. Come back then. RIGHT NOW, I got the blues ... got them real bad. / THE NUCLEAR OPTION!!! / What's the nuclear option? It's playing the guitar the way John Coltrane played the saxophone. I mean around the clock, open all hours, we never close, 24/7, this mutha is serious. I mean falling asleep with the guitar in your hands, yeah? Why?! Oh, well, well ... three or four hours guitar practice a day ain't cutting it. I've just tried recording my songs again, and I'm not happy. I'm bloody miserable, in fact. Too many mistakes, and bad vibes!

What am I going to do?! / A Telecaster might help. I need to break out of this rut. I need to get crazy!

Of course, I could go back to the piano. [NO!] I used to play when I was younger, teenage years, and it's piss-easy compared to the guitar. Life on Mars? - ? Or some Chopin shit? No problem! I can do that! Alas, I don't like the look of piano-based singer/songwriters. Too GODDAMN square! Christ! Who would want to be Neil Sedaka or Gary Barlow, sitting down, tinkling the ivories, uh, when you can set fire to your guitar and kiss the sky like Jimi Hendrix? Ha! It's a fucking no-brainer, man! And Hendrix was just like Coltrane, obsessed.

Hey ... Joe!

This is a crisis, but, but ... / Tomorrow, I'm not touching my guitar, no, tomorrow, and I'm not writing my blog, no, tomorrow. I'm going out SOMEWHERE to get my head straight, you dig? I need to think about the future. And I need to relax a bit. It's beyond a joke! I need a drink.

I gotta be a voodoo child!

[Oh, by the way, I'm not going to use Martin 80/20 bronze strings any more. I put some on today and they can't compare to the D’Addario phosphor bronze ones. Unfortunately, I have six packs of them. Anyone want to buy some guitar strings? They're not that bad.]

Foxy!