Thursday, 27 November 2014

Nigel Wilson says we've got to talk about money

Eh? What?! / Nigel, son, that's all we ever talk about! / What's wrong with this guy? Oh dear. Christ. 'Unbelievable!' Our Nige is group chief executive of Legal & General Group, apparently.

Most of all, however, if we want to break the Great British Money Taboo, we must all start talking about money, beginning right now. Why not ask your friends for their opinion? More of this nonsense!

Great British Money Taboo? I mean ... 'What's that, Mikey?' I don't know, man. The guy's crazy. 'We talk about money all the time.' Of course we do! Most normal people do. / And as for asking my friends, I can't phone around all my mates and say that Nigel Wilson has told me I've got to get their opinion - right now! 'They could be eating their dinner, boss.' Yeah. 'They might be meditating or chanting or something, if they've finished their dinner.' Yeah. And I'm supposed to disturb them? 'They'll tell you to piss off.' No! It ain't happening. This taboo is all in Nigel's head. His imagination is running wild!

'I know what happened, man.' What, Voice? 'Some nutjob at City A.M. thought it would be a good idea to get our Nige to write something for the paper, website, or whatever.' Oh, right. So they just cooked this nonsense up, I suppose. 'It's something to pass the time. And these media people have got to earn a living. Can we blame them?' Well ...

It might be a regular column he has. / It just seems so pointless, dear reader(s), you know? Making stuff up, and pretending it's real. No one cares.

There is no taboo. Let's forget it.

...

Thank God we all have pubs to go to, eh?

[No. 272] Hurdy gurdy hurdy gurdy hurdy gurdy gurdy

Roly poly roly poly roly poly poly.

And here ... they come![1], and it's the crying of our humanity![1], and here ... they come![2], and here comes the hurdy gurdy man / and here comes the roly poly man[1], and it's the crying of our humanity![2], and all we have is ... all eternity![1], and here comes the hurdy gurdy man / and here comes the roly poly man[2], and a-ROUND this world, and a-ROUND this reality, and a-ROUND this creation ...[1], and all we have is ... all eternity![2], and can YOU(!) ... hear the singing of the two voices?[1], and a-ROUND this world, and a-ROUND this reality, and a-ROUND this creation ...[2], and hurdy gurdy and roly poly - together forever![1], and can YOU(!) ... hear the singing of the two voices?[2], and a-ROUND we go, and a-ROUND with our friends, and a-ROUND with men of real vision[1], and hurdy gurdy and roly poly - together forever![2], and outside disturbance we don't care we are safe with the sounds of love in our ears, our minds, our souls[1], and a-ROUND we go, and a-ROUND with our friends, and a-ROUND with men of real vision[2], and we can get rid of all the things that get us down[1], and outside disturbance we don't care we are safe with the sounds of love in our ears, our minds, our souls[2], and I'm happy if I can stare at the sea ... / and I'm happy if I can walk into the sea ...[1], and we can get rid of all the things that get us down[2], and our love is a sea[1], and I'm happy if I can stare at the sea ... / and I'm happy if I can walk into the sea ...[2], and I want to join in, and YOU(!) ... want to join in / We want to sing along ... with THE STRANGERS!!![1], and our love is a sea[2], and we need songs of LOVE(!) in our world[1], and I want to join in, and YOU(!) ... want to join in / We want to sing along ... with THE STRANGERS!!![2], and ... a-ROUND we go![1], and we need songs of LOVE(!) in our world[2], and here ... they come![3], and ... a-ROUND we go![2], and it's the crying of our humanity![3], and here comes the hurdy gurdy man / and here comes the roly poly man[3], and all we have is ... all eternity![3], and a-ROUND this world, and a-ROUND this reality, and a-ROUND this creation ...[3], and can YOU(!) ... hear the singing of the two voices?[3], and hurdy gurdy and roly poly - together forever![3], and a-ROUND we go, and a-ROUND with our friends, and a-ROUND with men of real vision[3], and outside disturbance we don't care we are safe with the sounds of love in our ears, our minds, our souls[3], and we can get rid of all the things that get us down[3], and I'm happy if I can stare at the sea ... / and I'm happy if I can walk into the sea ...[3], and our love is a sea[3], and I want to join in, and YOU(!) ... want to join in / We want to sing along ... with THE STRANGERS!!![3], and we need songs of LOVE(!) in our world[3], and ... a-ROUND we go![3], and

And here ... they come![1], and it's the crying of our humanity![1], and here ... they come![2], and here comes the hurdy gurdy man / and here comes the roly poly man[1], and it's the crying of our humanity![2], and all we have is ... all eternity![1], and here comes the hurdy gurdy man / and here comes the roly poly man[2], and a-ROUND this world, and a-ROUND this reality, and a-ROUND this creation ...[1], and all we have is ... all eternity![2], and can YOU(!) ... hear the singing of the two voices?[1], and a-ROUND this world, and a-ROUND this reality, and a-ROUND this creation ...[2], and hurdy gurdy and roly poly - together forever![1], and can YOU(!) ... hear the singing of the two voices?[2], and a-ROUND we go, and a-ROUND with our friends, and a-ROUND with men of real vision[1], and hurdy gurdy and roly poly - together forever![2], and outside disturbance we don't care we are safe with the sounds of love in our ears, our minds, our souls[1], and a-ROUND we go, and a-ROUND with our friends, and a-ROUND with men of real vision[2], and we can get rid of all the things that get us down[1], and outside disturbance we don't care we are safe with the sounds of love in our ears, our minds, our souls[2], and I'm happy if I can stare at the sea ... / and I'm happy if I can walk into the sea ...[1], and we can get rid of all the things that get us down[2], and our love is a sea[1], and I'm happy if I can stare at the sea ... / and I'm happy if I can walk into the sea ...[2], and I want to join in, and YOU(!) ... want to join in / We want to sing along ... with THE STRANGERS!!![1], and our love is a sea[2], and we need songs of LOVE(!) in our world[1], and I want to join in, and YOU(!) ... want to join in / We want to sing along ... with THE STRANGERS!!![2], and ... a-ROUND we go![1], and we need songs of LOVE(!) in our world[2], and here ... they come![3], and ... a-ROUND we go![2], and it's the crying of our humanity![3], and here comes the hurdy gurdy man / and here comes the roly poly man[3], and all we have is ... all eternity![3], and a-ROUND this world, and a-ROUND this reality, and a-ROUND this creation ...[3], and can YOU(!) ... hear the singing of the two voices?[3], and hurdy gurdy and roly poly - together forever![3], and a-ROUND we go, and a-ROUND with our friends, and a-ROUND with men of real vision[3], and outside disturbance we don't care we are safe with the sounds of love in our ears, our minds, our souls[3], and we can get rid of all the things that get us down[3], and I'm happy if I can stare at the sea ... / and I'm happy if I can walk into the sea ...[3], and our love is a sea[3], and I want to join in, and YOU(!) ... want to join in / We want to sing along ... with THE STRANGERS!!![3], and we need songs of LOVE(!) in our world[3], and ... a-ROUND we go![3], and

And here ... they come![1], and it's the crying of our humanity![1], and here ... they come![2], and here comes the hurdy gurdy man / and here comes the roly poly man[1], and it's the crying of our humanity![2], and all we have is ... all eternity![1], and here comes the hurdy gurdy man / and here comes the roly poly man[2], and a-ROUND this world, and a-ROUND this reality, and a-ROUND this creation ...[1], and all we have is ... all eternity![2], and can YOU(!) ... hear the singing of the two voices?[1], and a-ROUND this world, and a-ROUND this reality, and a-ROUND this creation ...[2], and hurdy gurdy and roly poly - together forever![1], and can YOU(!) ... hear the singing of the two voices?[2], and a-ROUND we go, and a-ROUND with our friends, and a-ROUND with men of real vision[1], and hurdy gurdy and roly poly - together forever![2], and outside disturbance we don't care we are safe with the sounds of love in our ears, our minds, our souls[1], and a-ROUND we go, and a-ROUND with our friends, and a-ROUND with men of real vision[2], and we can get rid of all the things that get us down[1], and outside disturbance we don't care we are safe with the sounds of love in our ears, our minds, our souls[2], and I'm happy if I can stare at the sea ... / and I'm happy if I can walk into the sea ...[1], and we can get rid of all the things that get us down[2], and our love is a sea[1], and I'm happy if I can stare at the sea ... / and I'm happy if I can walk into the sea ...[2], and I want to join in, and YOU(!) ... want to join in / We want to sing along ... with THE STRANGERS!!![1], and our love is a sea[2], and we need songs of LOVE(!) in our world[1], and I want to join in, and YOU(!) ... want to join in / We want to sing along ... with THE STRANGERS!!![2], and ... a-ROUND we go![1], and we need songs of LOVE(!) in our world[2], and here ... they come![3], and ... a-ROUND we go![2], and it's the crying of our humanity![3], and here comes the hurdy gurdy man / and here comes the roly poly man[3], and all we have is ... all eternity![3], and a-ROUND this world, and a-ROUND this reality, and a-ROUND this creation ...[3], and can YOU(!) ... hear the singing of the two voices?[3], and hurdy gurdy and roly poly - together forever![3], and a-ROUND we go, and a-ROUND with our friends, and a-ROUND with men of real vision[3], and outside disturbance we don't care we are safe with the sounds of love in our ears, our minds, our souls[3], and we can get rid of all the things that get us down[3], and I'm happy if I can stare at the sea ... / and I'm happy if I can walk into the sea ...[3], and our love is a sea[3], and I want to join in, and YOU(!) ... want to join in / We want to sing along ... with THE STRANGERS!!![3], and we need songs of LOVE(!) in our world[3], and ... a-ROUND we go![3], and

Who in the name of Christ is Gavin St. John-Heath?!?!

All right, all right ... / Calm down, everyone! There's no need to get upset. Our Gavin is just some guy that Neil has hired as his chief risk operations officer. 'Neil, boss? Neil who?' Neil, man. Our Neil. Viscount Dr Field Marshal Sir Screaming Lord Woodford, CBE, VC, DSO, MC. 'Oh, Neil. Why didn't you say? Yeah, our Neil. How's he doing?' I don't know, Voice. He's just hiring a few new characters for his Woodford Investment thing. All that risk and compliance stuff. Gavin is one of them. Have you heard of BlueQuant Capital? 'No.' Well, that's where Gavin is from. 'Cool! Another blue firm to add to the list.' I know. Brilliant, isn't it? BlueCrest, BlueBay, and BlueQuant. I hope there are more of them. This could be a new hobby for me. 'Yeah. Like trainspotting.' Take that back, Voice! I don't do drugs! 'Sorry, Mikey.' This is a family blog, man.

...

Anything else? Er, another couple of posts, later. I'm just warming up, dear reader(s).

Music? I'm listening to U2, for my sins. Achtung Baby. They're all right, I suppose. I'm trying to work out how good The Edge is as a guitarist. I've read that he relies on effects pedals too much. I think he's a pretty decent rhythm player, but limited as a lead guy. No shame in that. Lennon and Marley couldn't really play any lead at all. / There are so many things to master with a guitar. It's far more difficult than the piano. In the old days, I used to practice the piano five or six hours a week and became quite good after a year or two. I mean good enough to play Bowie's Life on Mars? These days, I'm playing my guitar up to five hours a day and still not where I want to be.

Lunch? That's private, I'm afraid. 'Oh, boss. You've got to be open with these people.' They don't need to know what I'm having for lunch every day, for Christ's sake!

...

Egg sandwich. Happy now?

Wednesday, 26 November 2014

[No. 271] The cosmic mind and soul of Andrew Archer

He's out there! Gone!

And ... well, yeah / Cosmic![1], and ... it's more than a new job ... bigger, deeper ... a greater life, free of the world's NONSENSE[1], and ... well, yeah / Cosmic![2], and will Andy ever return?[1], and ... it's more than a new job ... bigger, deeper ... a greater life, free of the world's NONSENSE[2], and we've pushed him to it![1], and will Andy ever return?[2], and 'Wasn't this ... my idea?!' / Yeah, we've pushed him to it, Voice, now shut up![1], and we've pushed him to it![2], and a great writer steals ...[1], and 'Wasn't this ... my idea?!' / Yeah, we've pushed him to it, Voice, now shut up![2], and this ... is what I'm talking about! / Sometimes they go too far, the seekers![1], and a great writer steals ...[2], and BlueBay won't be able to control our Andy[1], and this ... is what I'm talking about! / Sometimes they go too far, the seekers![2], and mystic kooks get a-ROUND, and a-ROUND, and a-ROUND - oh, cold ones, believe it NOW(!)[1], and BlueBay won't be able to control our Andy[2], and some go to the cosmos[1], and mystic kooks get a-ROUND, and a-ROUND, and a-ROUND - oh, cold ones, believe it NOW(!)[2], and it's not beyond the THREE, no, not that serious ... but quite an achievement all the same[1], and some go to the cosmos[2], and if you've got a great mind, you don't need to be head of ANYTHING(!)[1], and it's not beyond the THREE, no, not that serious ... but quite an achievement all the same[2], and if you've got a great soul ... CONGRATULATIONS![1], and if you've got a great mind, you don't need to be head of ANYTHING(!)[2], and there are far too many chiefs in the world / all with similar ideas / and it's a real shame[1], and if you've got a great soul ... CONGRATULATIONS![2], and our Andy ain't no chief of mops and dusters, you dig?[1], and there are far too many chiefs in the world / all with similar ideas / and it's a real shame[2], and we hate technology[1], and our Andy ain't no chief of mops and dusters, you dig?[2], and I'm using a computer, I know, I know, I know ...[1], and we hate technology[2], and I'm just using, you know? / To get what I really WANT![1], and I'm using a computer, I know, I know, I know ...[2], and we all really want ... freedom, a fresh start, a clean soul, and triple-cooked chips[1], and I'm just using, you know? / To get what I really WANT![2], and ... well, yeah / Cosmic![3], and we all really want ... freedom, a fresh start, a clean soul, and triple-cooked chips[2], and ... it's more than a new job ... bigger, deeper ... a greater life, free of the world's NONSENSE[3], and will Andy ever return?[3], and we've pushed him to it![3], and 'Wasn't this ... my idea?!' / Yeah, we've pushed him to it, Voice, now shut up![3], and a great writer steals ...[3], and this ... is what I'm talking about! / Sometimes they go too far, the seekers![3], and BlueBay won't be able to control our Andy[3], and mystic kooks get a-ROUND, and a-ROUND, and a-ROUND - oh, cold ones, believe it NOW(!)[3], and some go to the cosmos[3], and it's not beyond the THREE, no, not that serious ... but quite an achievement all the same[3], and if you've got a great mind, you don't need to be head of ANYTHING(!)[3], and if you've got a great soul ... CONGRATULATIONS![3], and there are far too many chiefs in the world / all with similar ideas / and it's a real shame[3], and our Andy ain't no chief of mops and dusters, you dig?[3], and we hate technology[3], and I'm using a computer, I know, I know, I know ...[3], and I'm just using, you know? / To get what I really WANT![3], and we all really want ... freedom, a fresh start, a clean soul, and triple-cooked chips[3], and

And ... well, yeah / Cosmic![1], and ... it's more than a new job ... bigger, deeper ... a greater life, free of the world's NONSENSE[1], and ... well, yeah / Cosmic![2], and will Andy ever return?[1], and ... it's more than a new job ... bigger, deeper ... a greater life, free of the world's NONSENSE[2], and we've pushed him to it![1], and will Andy ever return?[2], and 'Wasn't this ... my idea?!' / Yeah, we've pushed him to it, Voice, now shut up![1], and we've pushed him to it![2], and a great writer steals ...[1], and 'Wasn't this ... my idea?!' / Yeah, we've pushed him to it, Voice, now shut up![2], and this ... is what I'm talking about! / Sometimes they go too far, the seekers![1], and a great writer steals ...[2], and BlueBay won't be able to control our Andy[1], and this ... is what I'm talking about! / Sometimes they go too far, the seekers![2], and mystic kooks get a-ROUND, and a-ROUND, and a-ROUND - oh, cold ones, believe it NOW(!)[1], and BlueBay won't be able to control our Andy[2], and some go to the cosmos[1], and mystic kooks get a-ROUND, and a-ROUND, and a-ROUND - oh, cold ones, believe it NOW(!)[2], and it's not beyond the THREE, no, not that serious ... but quite an achievement all the same[1], and some go to the cosmos[2], and if you've got a great mind, you don't need to be head of ANYTHING(!)[1], and it's not beyond the THREE, no, not that serious ... but quite an achievement all the same[2], and if you've got a great soul ... CONGRATULATIONS![1], and if you've got a great mind, you don't need to be head of ANYTHING(!)[2], and there are far too many chiefs in the world / all with similar ideas / and it's a real shame[1], and if you've got a great soul ... CONGRATULATIONS![2], and our Andy ain't no chief of mops and dusters, you dig?[1], and there are far too many chiefs in the world / all with similar ideas / and it's a real shame[2], and we hate technology[1], and our Andy ain't no chief of mops and dusters, you dig?[2], and I'm using a computer, I know, I know, I know ...[1], and we hate technology[2], and I'm just using, you know? / To get what I really WANT![1], and I'm using a computer, I know, I know, I know ...[2], and we all really want ... freedom, a fresh start, a clean soul, and triple-cooked chips[1], and I'm just using, you know? / To get what I really WANT![2], and ... well, yeah / Cosmic![3], and we all really want ... freedom, a fresh start, a clean soul, and triple-cooked chips[2], and ... it's more than a new job ... bigger, deeper ... a greater life, free of the world's NONSENSE[3], and will Andy ever return?[3], and we've pushed him to it![3], and 'Wasn't this ... my idea?!' / Yeah, we've pushed him to it, Voice, now shut up![3], and a great writer steals ...[3], and this ... is what I'm talking about! / Sometimes they go too far, the seekers![3], and BlueBay won't be able to control our Andy[3], and mystic kooks get a-ROUND, and a-ROUND, and a-ROUND - oh, cold ones, believe it NOW(!)[3], and some go to the cosmos[3], and it's not beyond the THREE, no, not that serious ... but quite an achievement all the same[3], and if you've got a great mind, you don't need to be head of ANYTHING(!)[3], and if you've got a great soul ... CONGRATULATIONS![3], and there are far too many chiefs in the world / all with similar ideas / and it's a real shame[3], and our Andy ain't no chief of mops and dusters, you dig?[3], and we hate technology[3], and I'm using a computer, I know, I know, I know ...[3], and I'm just using, you know? / To get what I really WANT![3], and we all really want ... freedom, a fresh start, a clean soul, and triple-cooked chips[3], and

And ... well, yeah / Cosmic![1], and ... it's more than a new job ... bigger, deeper ... a greater life, free of the world's NONSENSE[1], and ... well, yeah / Cosmic![2], and will Andy ever return?[1], and ... it's more than a new job ... bigger, deeper ... a greater life, free of the world's NONSENSE[2], and we've pushed him to it![1], and will Andy ever return?[2], and 'Wasn't this ... my idea?!' / Yeah, we've pushed him to it, Voice, now shut up![1], and we've pushed him to it![2], and a great writer steals ...[1], and 'Wasn't this ... my idea?!' / Yeah, we've pushed him to it, Voice, now shut up![2], and this ... is what I'm talking about! / Sometimes they go too far, the seekers![1], and a great writer steals ...[2], and BlueBay won't be able to control our Andy[1], and this ... is what I'm talking about! / Sometimes they go too far, the seekers![2], and mystic kooks get a-ROUND, and a-ROUND, and a-ROUND - oh, cold ones, believe it NOW(!)[1], and BlueBay won't be able to control our Andy[2], and some go to the cosmos[1], and mystic kooks get a-ROUND, and a-ROUND, and a-ROUND - oh, cold ones, believe it NOW(!)[2], and it's not beyond the THREE, no, not that serious ... but quite an achievement all the same[1], and some go to the cosmos[2], and if you've got a great mind, you don't need to be head of ANYTHING(!)[1], and it's not beyond the THREE, no, not that serious ... but quite an achievement all the same[2], and if you've got a great soul ... CONGRATULATIONS![1], and if you've got a great mind, you don't need to be head of ANYTHING(!)[2], and there are far too many chiefs in the world / all with similar ideas / and it's a real shame[1], and if you've got a great soul ... CONGRATULATIONS![2], and our Andy ain't no chief of mops and dusters, you dig?[1], and there are far too many chiefs in the world / all with similar ideas / and it's a real shame[2], and we hate technology[1], and our Andy ain't no chief of mops and dusters, you dig?[2], and I'm using a computer, I know, I know, I know ...[1], and we hate technology[2], and I'm just using, you know? / To get what I really WANT![1], and I'm using a computer, I know, I know, I know ...[2], and we all really want ... freedom, a fresh start, a clean soul, and triple-cooked chips[1], and I'm just using, you know? / To get what I really WANT![2], and ... well, yeah / Cosmic![3], and we all really want ... freedom, a fresh start, a clean soul, and triple-cooked chips[2], and ... it's more than a new job ... bigger, deeper ... a greater life, free of the world's NONSENSE[3], and will Andy ever return?[3], and we've pushed him to it![3], and 'Wasn't this ... my idea?!' / Yeah, we've pushed him to it, Voice, now shut up![3], and a great writer steals ...[3], and this ... is what I'm talking about! / Sometimes they go too far, the seekers![3], and BlueBay won't be able to control our Andy[3], and mystic kooks get a-ROUND, and a-ROUND, and a-ROUND - oh, cold ones, believe it NOW(!)[3], and some go to the cosmos[3], and it's not beyond the THREE, no, not that serious ... but quite an achievement all the same[3], and if you've got a great mind, you don't need to be head of ANYTHING(!)[3], and if you've got a great soul ... CONGRATULATIONS![3], and there are far too many chiefs in the world / all with similar ideas / and it's a real shame[3], and our Andy ain't no chief of mops and dusters, you dig?[3], and we hate technology[3], and I'm using a computer, I know, I know, I know ...[3], and I'm just using, you know? / To get what I really WANT![3], and we all really want ... freedom, a fresh start, a clean soul, and triple-cooked chips[3], and

Andrew Archer has left Man Group for BlueBay Asset Management!

Yeah. Gone! / Which I think is great news because Andy was the global head of technology at Man Group. Hopefully, he's taken all his infernal computers and other technology with him to BlueBay so that the Man Group guys can become proper human beings now (and shamans?) working with their brains, you dig? 'God gave them brains for a reason, boss.' Of course He did, Voice!

Oh, er ... by the way, dear reader(s), at BlueBay, our Andy is called the chief technology officer. 'Is that as good as before?' No, I don't think it is. You see, before, Man Group had the decency to call him the global head. 'Christ. Yeah.' Now ... ha, well, he's just some chief. 'Oh dear.' I mean, he could be the chief of a small area, like, er ... 'Like a cupboard where they keep all the mops, dusters and that?' Yeah, that's the problem. At least at Man Group Andy had some idea of the size of his domain. 'The whole world!' Yes. A massive place. And he was the head of it! 'Maybe BlueBay has made him the chief of the cosmos, Mikey.' I doubt it very much, Voice. / No, what Andy needs to do is, he needs to clear this matter up. He should storm into Luc Leclercq's office (the chief operating officer at BlueBay who is supposed to be all delighted and shit at Andy's joining the firm) and say, Luc, mate, this isn't acceptable. I want to be global, man! Where's my global title?! Have some fucking respect!!! 'That'll do it.' The thing is, if you don't stand up for yourself in this world, people will walk right over you. Andy has got to grow a pair and get this situation sorted today!

...

Actually, I have an idea ... 'What?' Wait until after lunch, Voice. I'm thinking big now. A big idea!

...

Music? I have Nirvana on, In Utero. However, I'm not really in the mood for them, so ... The Jesus and Mary Chain? Yeah! Darklands.

Lunch? Cheese ... cheese ... ‘Soup?’ Sandwich, idiot!

Guitar? Well, I'm still considering five hours a day. It might be difficult on heavy blogging days, Wednesdays and Thursdays. But sleep is for losers, ain't it? Prince only sleeps three hours a night. / Oh, man, I was watching some clips last night of Prince playing guitar in concert. I don't think I'm too far away from him. You know, speed and accuracy and all that. I need to master vibrato and bending to pitch though. (And I need to practice with a backing track.) If I do the five hour thing, I'm confident that six months from now I'll be a bad rockin' mutha in the free world.

Tuesday, 25 November 2014

Alpha-Sight, er, or ... Alpha-Sights, Alphasight ... how do I know?

Well, well ... / How does anyone know, eh? Tell me! Right, er ... / It's just so confusing! There's this new website for professional investors, with fund managers on it, you see. All talking on video or something. I don't know what's going on. Valuable advice - if you can imagine that. 'Ha!' Fundweb's going on about it. But of course Fundweb can't be bothered with a link to the new website it's talking about. 'Oh no!' (And I can't be bothered to link to Fundweb. 'Ha!') Oh no, too much like hard work, that is. So ... I've had to Google Alpha-Sight, and I've had to face loads of options, which, er ... and I don't know where the blasted website is! 'And guess what!' I don't care now, Voice, which was obviously Fundweb's intention from the very beginning. 'Oh, those bastards!'

This is how these things work ... Someone calls in a favour. Someone that Danny Boy doesn't like. (I think Danny is the editor. Unless it's Adam. Unless he's the editor of the magazine, which has a different fucking name. Christ knows! 'Unbelievable, Mikey!') Oh, Danny, we've got a new website for professional investors. It's brilliant, man! Can you get one of your guys to write about it on Fundweb? And Danny says, Sure, son, no problem. Then Danny gives the job to some poor intern who doesn't know his arse from his elbow. 'Ha! Clever.' The intern fucks it up, as Danny was hoping he would. 'Brilliant!' The new website gets a mention, the favour is returned, but no one out in Professional Investor Land is any the wiser. 'Result!' / And that's what I've learnt after nearly eight years in this game. I want out!!!

...

Anything else? What? What?! You've already had bare entertainment, dear reader(s). So, no, there's nothing else. / 'They're still here. I think they want to know about your lunch, boss.' Oh. Cheese sandwich. Now piss off!

...

Give it a minute, Voice.

...

Oh, you still here, dear reader(s)? Hardcore, aren't you? There's nothing else, man. See you tomorrow.

Monday, 24 November 2014

George Soros has given Bill Gross $500 million!

That's all right, ain't it? / Why doesn't George give me some money? Bill doesn't even need it. But I do! I guess these guys all stick together. They're not going to give money to the likes of me. It's not fair.

'What would you do with the money, boss?' I'd buy some new guitars, Voice. 'Yeah, well, Mr Gross is going to invest the money. I'm sure George Soros wouldn't be handing his cash over if he thought Bill would be spending it on Stratocasters and shit.' Fair enough, man. (It's still not fair though.) / After all these years ... I should be rich by now. I've done enough for the financial community, haven't I? Where's my fucking reward?! 'You'll get your reward in heaven, Mikey.' Oh, great. Yeah, I'm looking forward to that.

...

Christ. It's too early in the week for finance. And it's too early in the day. A Monday of all days! And in winter! / All you need to know, dear reader(s), is that there is no hope. Not just for me, but for you as well. Bad times are coming ... (I've been reading The Guardian again, I'm afraid.)

Music? I'm listening to Plan B, The Defamation of Strickland Banks. Whoever he is. Not exactly Ziggy Stardust, but never mind.

...

Consistency is what we need! CONSISTENCY!!! 'Eh?! What are you going on about now?' I was flicking through that Marco Pierre White book at the weekend. You know, his autobiography. 'Oh yeah.' Well, he says that without consistency he wouldn't have moved up from two Michelin stars to three. He says there's more chance of losing a star. 'Oh. And?' Well, for the last three months I've been consistently playing my guitar for more than twenty hours a week. Not once have I gone below it! NOT ONCE!!! And I can see the improvement in my playing, man. The next thing, I suppose, is to increase my playing to five hours a day - which will be far more difficult, not because of lack of desire, but just, you know, finding the spare time. 'Stop sleeping, Mikey!' Well, that's what I'm thinking, Voice. 'Yeah. Sleeping is for mugs, boss. Slags!'

...

Music? I'm going to put something else on. 'Cream?' No, I've been listening to them too much lately. The Police, Voice? Ghost in the Machine. Yeah, I'll give it a go. 'No!' Just let me listen to Invisible Sun. 'All right. That's a good song.'

Thursday, 20 November 2014

Neil Phillips has left BlueBay Asset Management!

Well, well ... / Last Thursday it was BlueCrest, this Thursday it's BlueBay. What will it be next Thursday? 'I think you're running out of blue firms, boss.' Yeah, it's a sad time. Never mind. Life goes on!

Anyway, this Neil character. He wants to start his own hedge fund. 'Oh, not another one! Why are these fund managers so ambitious, Mikey?' I don't know, Voice. I mean, half these funds fail. It's not the easy option, is it? 'No. / What is Neil's fund going to be called?' It doesn't have a name yet. 'Oh dear. / When is he going to launch it?' Er, next August, I think, at the earliest. 'Oh dear oh dear! / I hope this isn't another classic case of pie in the sky.' Give him a chance, man. Bloody hell! Neil has only just resigned from BlueBay. / By the way, dear reader(s), BlueBay is shutting his Global Macro fund and returning money to investors. 'Why, for God's sake?!' Oh, I don't know. Spite? Bitterness? It seems they want to erase all traces of Neil. 'Ha! Like burning an old lover's letters!' Yeah. Something like that.

...

Anything else? Pub tomorrow. / Well ... music? I'm listening to Cream again. I absolutely love Clapton's solo at the end of White Room. Also, Crossroads (live) is brilliant all the way through. / Clapton has got to be the greatest living guitarist. There are other guitarists who are more technically skilled, but our Eric is just ... classy! / And we have to take into consideration his historical position as the man who more or less invented modern rock guitar playing a year or two before Hendrix arrived on the scene.

See you next week.

[No. 270] Austerity blues

We are kind of blue.

And this is ... PAIN(!)[1], and we don't need no trumpets to know how BLUE we are[1], and this is ... PAIN(!)[2], and a-ROUND, and a-ROUND, and a-ROUND ... Yes, I like the old riffs the best[1], and we don't need no trumpets to know how BLUE we are[2], and we know ... all the pain there is to know[1], and a-ROUND, and a-ROUND, and a-ROUND ... Yes, I like the old riffs the best[2], and if we can just spin and get a-ROUND hard enough ... we might find ourselves in another world[1], and we know ... all the pain there is to know[2], and ... / it's got to be a better world[1], and if we can just spin and get a-ROUND hard enough ... we might find ourselves in another world[2], and forget Miles Davis! / If Robert Johnson were here ... we'd really know the blues[1], and ... / it's got to be a better world[2], and ... / is your love in vain?[1], and forget Miles Davis! / If Robert Johnson were here ... we'd really know the blues[2], and there are hellhounds / and I've seen them! / ... / I've had terrible nightmares, you know ...[1], and ... / is your love in vain?[2], and one day, man ... we'll all be hungry, and we'll all go looking for food at Dave's house, or Liz's house[1], and there are hellhounds / and I've seen them! / ... / I've had terrible nightmares, you know ...[2], and where is the BRIGHT FUTURE we were promised?[1], and one day, man ... we'll all be hungry, and we'll all go looking for food at Dave's house, or Liz's house[2], and they say you've got to live and let die ... and you've got to give the Old Etonian ... EVERYTHING!!![1], and where is the BRIGHT FUTURE we were promised?[2], and guns, and roses[1], and they say you've got to live and let die ... and you've got to give the Old Etonian ... EVERYTHING!!![2], and ... Don't you cry tonight! / There's a heaven above you, baby ... GUITAR!!![1], and guns, and roses[2], and ... enough![1], and ... Don't you cry tonight! / There's a heaven above you, baby ... GUITAR!!![2], and this is ... PAIN(!)[3], and ... enough![2], and we don't need no trumpets to know how BLUE we are[3], and a-ROUND, and a-ROUND, and a-ROUND ... Yes, I like the old riffs the best[3], and we know ... all the pain there is to know[3], and if we can just spin and get a-ROUND hard enough ... we might find ourselves in another world[3], and ... / it's got to be a better world[3], and forget Miles Davis! / If Robert Johnson were here ... we'd really know the blues[3], and ... / is your love in vain?[3], and there are hellhounds / and I've seen them! / ... / I've had terrible nightmares, you know ...[3], and one day, man ... we'll all be hungry, and we'll all go looking for food at Dave's house, or Liz's house[3], and where is the BRIGHT FUTURE we were promised?[3], and they say you've got to live and let die ... and you've got to give the Old Etonian ... EVERYTHING!!![3], and guns, and roses[3], and ... Don't you cry tonight! / There's a heaven above you, baby ... GUITAR!!![3], and ... enough![3], and

And this is ... PAIN(!)[1], and we don't need no trumpets to know how BLUE we are[1], and this is ... PAIN(!)[2], and a-ROUND, and a-ROUND, and a-ROUND ... Yes, I like the old riffs the best[1], and we don't need no trumpets to know how BLUE we are[2], and we know ... all the pain there is to know[1], and a-ROUND, and a-ROUND, and a-ROUND ... Yes, I like the old riffs the best[2], and if we can just spin and get a-ROUND hard enough ... we might find ourselves in another world[1], and we know ... all the pain there is to know[2], and ... / it's got to be a better world[1], and if we can just spin and get a-ROUND hard enough ... we might find ourselves in another world[2], and forget Miles Davis! / If Robert Johnson were here ... we'd really know the blues[1], and ... / it's got to be a better world[2], and ... / is your love in vain?[1], and forget Miles Davis! / If Robert Johnson were here ... we'd really know the blues[2], and there are hellhounds / and I've seen them! / ... / I've had terrible nightmares, you know ...[1], and ... / is your love in vain?[2], and one day, man ... we'll all be hungry, and we'll all go looking for food at Dave's house, or Liz's house[1], and there are hellhounds / and I've seen them! / ... / I've had terrible nightmares, you know ...[2], and where is the BRIGHT FUTURE we were promised?[1], and one day, man ... we'll all be hungry, and we'll all go looking for food at Dave's house, or Liz's house[2], and they say you've got to live and let die ... and you've got to give the Old Etonian ... EVERYTHING!!![1], and where is the BRIGHT FUTURE we were promised?[2], and guns, and roses[1], and they say you've got to live and let die ... and you've got to give the Old Etonian ... EVERYTHING!!![2], and ... Don't you cry tonight! / There's a heaven above you, baby ... GUITAR!!![1], and guns, and roses[2], and ... enough![1], and ... Don't you cry tonight! / There's a heaven above you, baby ... GUITAR!!![2], and this is ... PAIN(!)[3], and ... enough![2], and we don't need no trumpets to know how BLUE we are[3], and a-ROUND, and a-ROUND, and a-ROUND ... Yes, I like the old riffs the best[3], and we know ... all the pain there is to know[3], and if we can just spin and get a-ROUND hard enough ... we might find ourselves in another world[3], and ... / it's got to be a better world[3], and forget Miles Davis! / If Robert Johnson were here ... we'd really know the blues[3], and ... / is your love in vain?[3], and there are hellhounds / and I've seen them! / ... / I've had terrible nightmares, you know ...[3], and one day, man ... we'll all be hungry, and we'll all go looking for food at Dave's house, or Liz's house[3], and where is the BRIGHT FUTURE we were promised?[3], and they say you've got to live and let die ... and you've got to give the Old Etonian ... EVERYTHING!!![3], and guns, and roses[3], and ... Don't you cry tonight! / There's a heaven above you, baby ... GUITAR!!![3], and ... enough![3], and

And this is ... PAIN(!)[1], and we don't need no trumpets to know how BLUE we are[1], and this is ... PAIN(!)[2], and a-ROUND, and a-ROUND, and a-ROUND ... Yes, I like the old riffs the best[1], and we don't need no trumpets to know how BLUE we are[2], and we know ... all the pain there is to know[1], and a-ROUND, and a-ROUND, and a-ROUND ... Yes, I like the old riffs the best[2], and if we can just spin and get a-ROUND hard enough ... we might find ourselves in another world[1], and we know ... all the pain there is to know[2], and ... / it's got to be a better world[1], and if we can just spin and get a-ROUND hard enough ... we might find ourselves in another world[2], and forget Miles Davis! / If Robert Johnson were here ... we'd really know the blues[1], and ... / it's got to be a better world[2], and ... / is your love in vain?[1], and forget Miles Davis! / If Robert Johnson were here ... we'd really know the blues[2], and there are hellhounds / and I've seen them! / ... / I've had terrible nightmares, you know ...[1], and ... / is your love in vain?[2], and one day, man ... we'll all be hungry, and we'll all go looking for food at Dave's house, or Liz's house[1], and there are hellhounds / and I've seen them! / ... / I've had terrible nightmares, you know ...[2], and where is the BRIGHT FUTURE we were promised?[1], and one day, man ... we'll all be hungry, and we'll all go looking for food at Dave's house, or Liz's house[2], and they say you've got to live and let die ... and you've got to give the Old Etonian ... EVERYTHING!!![1], and where is the BRIGHT FUTURE we were promised?[2], and guns, and roses[1], and they say you've got to live and let die ... and you've got to give the Old Etonian ... EVERYTHING!!![2], and ... Don't you cry tonight! / There's a heaven above you, baby ... GUITAR!!![1], and guns, and roses[2], and ... enough![1], and ... Don't you cry tonight! / There's a heaven above you, baby ... GUITAR!!![2], and this is ... PAIN(!)[3], and ... enough![2], and we don't need no trumpets to know how BLUE we are[3], and a-ROUND, and a-ROUND, and a-ROUND ... Yes, I like the old riffs the best[3], and we know ... all the pain there is to know[3], and if we can just spin and get a-ROUND hard enough ... we might find ourselves in another world[3], and ... / it's got to be a better world[3], and forget Miles Davis! / If Robert Johnson were here ... we'd really know the blues[3], and ... / is your love in vain?[3], and there are hellhounds / and I've seen them! / ... / I've had terrible nightmares, you know ...[3], and one day, man ... we'll all be hungry, and we'll all go looking for food at Dave's house, or Liz's house[3], and where is the BRIGHT FUTURE we were promised?[3], and they say you've got to live and let die ... and you've got to give the Old Etonian ... EVERYTHING!!![3], and guns, and roses[3], and ... Don't you cry tonight! / There's a heaven above you, baby ... GUITAR!!![3], and ... enough![3], and

What on earth is Twelve Lions Capital?!

I was going to call this post, Who on earth is Marc Schneider?! ... but I'm always doing that sort of thing. "Who is he?"/"Who is she?" It gets boring, man. 'So you decided to go with, What on earth is Twelve Lions Capital?!' Yeah. 'You're getting adventurous in your old age, boss.' / Well, Twelve Lions Capital is a new hedge founded by ... 'Er, let me guess, er ... Marc ... Marc, someone, er ... Marc Schneider!' Yes! Congratulations, Voice. 'Do I win a prize?' No. 'Oh.' Prize?! Ha! Am I made of fucking money?

...

Oh, a great article by Seumas Milne here, on austerity. 'What about the hedge fund?!' It hasn't launched yet, man. It's still pie in the sky, even if it does have a name. And I ain't got nothing else to say about it. Well, it's all distressed debt stuff. That should satisfy my readers. 'Really?' Voice, they come here for the rock and roll these days. I'm attracting a new crowd. 'Whatever. / Nice article by Seumas!' Oh yeah. Big time. Why don't we see writing like this in the financial papers and websites? 'Because they're all working for the 1 per cent.' Christ! Not those 1 per cent bastards again! Something's got to be done about them. 'What do you have in mind?' REVOLUTION!!!

...

No, I don't want revolution, man. Like Lennon, you can count me in, and you can count me out. I'm confused. Besides, I need the capitalist system to stay intact to support my next career as international superstar and man of rock!

However, there's one thing I do know: things will be different in the afterlife.

...

Lunch? What is it with you people?! It's none of your business what I'm having for lunch. 'Tell them about the luxury egg sandwich, Mikey.' NO!!!