Thursday, 30 October 2014

Lawrence Herzing has been charged with wire fraud

'Who is Lawrence Herzing?!' Man, Lawrence Herzing is some cat over in America who used to work for Contrarian Capital Management. He was the controller. 'And what is Contrarian Capital?' Christ, Voice! Please! Er, well ... established in 1995 by Jon Bauer, Janice Stanton, and Gil Tenzer, Contrarian is a distressed investing specialist. Are you happy now? 'It's the readers that matter, boss.'

Oh dear. Oh dear oh dear. I always struggle with the third post on a Thursday. Er ... / 'Come on, Mikey! You can do it. How much money did Lawrence get?' The authorities claim he transferred $12 million to himself from the hedge fund. 'What does Lawrence say about it?' I don't know. Maybe it's all a big misunderstanding. 'Yeah.' It will all come out in court, I'm sure.

...

Pub tomorrow. I haven't been for three weeks because of the flu. I'm over it now.

Writing this blog, playing the guitar ... I don't know where I get the energy from. I'm practically a superman!

I'll do some recording this weekend. I mean, enough is enough! The recordings don't have to be perfect. They just have to seem reasonably professional. I think my guitar playing is up to the required level. I can't practice forever.

But I'm not making any promises ...

[No. 264] Xiaoyu Liu

Or Liu Xiaoyu?

And ... / Are you here, Xiaoyu?[1], and Liu, mate, people will try to put us down just because we get a-ROUND / 'Ain't that the truth!'[1], and ... / Are you here, Xiaoyu?[2], and ... / Are you here - yes! / and is it better than "working" at Aviva Investors?[1], and Liu, mate, people will try to put us down just because we get a-ROUND / 'Ain't that the truth!'[2], and getting back in touch?! / Oh, you're much nicer than that Stephen Smethurst![1], and ... / Are you here - yes! / and is it better than "working" at Aviva Investors?[2], and I'm pretty sure you're a man[1], and getting back in touch?! / Oh, you're much nicer than that Stephen Smethurst![2], and a-ROUND we go, a-ROUND, a-ROUND we go - are you DIZZY yet?[1], and I'm pretty sure you're a man[2], and this ... is the best escape[1], and a-ROUND we go, a-ROUND, a-ROUND we go - are you DIZZY yet?[2], and ... I undertake company visits, conference calls, build models, and forecast returns ... Oh, we don't need to know, son[1], and this ... is the best escape[2], and no one cares ... as you'll soon find out[1], and ... I undertake company visits, conference calls, build models, and forecast returns ... Oh, we don't need to know, son[2], and who are YOU(!)? COME ON!!![1], and no one cares ... as you'll soon find out[2], and this ... is the escape you're going to be stuck with, I'm afraid / However, I have to say it's better than "work"[1], and who are YOU(!)? COME ON!!![2], and nobody wants any answers from you, Liu / It's only a game ...[1], and this ... is the escape you're going to be stuck with, I'm afraid / However, I have to say it's better than "work"[2], and ... / Are YOU(!) ... brave enough to head beyond the THREE?[1], and nobody wants any answers from you, Liu / It's only a game ...[2], and your new colleagues are in the pub getting drunk with different fish, man! / shame about JPMorgan[1], and ... / Are YOU(!) ... brave enough to head beyond the THREE?[2], and this ... is magic time, forever[1], and your new colleagues are in the pub getting drunk with different fish, man! / shame about JPMorgan[2], and ... / Are you here, Xiaoyu?[3], and this ... is magic time, forever[2], and Liu, mate, people will try to put us down just because we get a-ROUND / 'Ain't that the truth!'[3], and ... / Are you here - yes! / and is it better than "working" at Aviva Investors?[3], and getting back in touch?! / Oh, you're much nicer than that Stephen Smethurst![3], and I'm pretty sure you're a man[3], and a-ROUND we go, a-ROUND, a-ROUND we go - are you DIZZY yet?[3], and this ... is the best escape[3], and ... I undertake company visits, conference calls, build models, and forecast returns ... Oh, we don't need to know, son[3], and no one cares ... as you'll soon find out[3], and who are YOU(!)? COME ON!!![3], and this ... is the escape you're going to be stuck with, I'm afraid / However, I have to say it's better than "work"[3], and nobody wants any answers from you, Liu / It's only a game ...[3], and ... / Are YOU(!) ... brave enough to head beyond the THREE?[3], and your new colleagues are in the pub getting drunk with different fish, man! / shame about JPMorgan[3], and this ... is magic time, forever[3], and

And ... / Are you here, Xiaoyu?[1], and Liu, mate, people will try to put us down just because we get a-ROUND / 'Ain't that the truth!'[1], and ... / Are you here, Xiaoyu?[2], and ... / Are you here - yes! / and is it better than "working" at Aviva Investors?[1], and Liu, mate, people will try to put us down just because we get a-ROUND / 'Ain't that the truth!'[2], and getting back in touch?! / Oh, you're much nicer than that Stephen Smethurst![1], and ... / Are you here - yes! / and is it better than "working" at Aviva Investors?[2], and I'm pretty sure you're a man[1], and getting back in touch?! / Oh, you're much nicer than that Stephen Smethurst![2], and a-ROUND we go, a-ROUND, a-ROUND we go - are you DIZZY yet?[1], and I'm pretty sure you're a man[2], and this ... is the best escape[1], and a-ROUND we go, a-ROUND, a-ROUND we go - are you DIZZY yet?[2], and ... I undertake company visits, conference calls, build models, and forecast returns ... Oh, we don't need to know, son[1], and this ... is the best escape[2], and no one cares ... as you'll soon find out[1], and ... I undertake company visits, conference calls, build models, and forecast returns ... Oh, we don't need to know, son[2], and who are YOU(!)? COME ON!!![1], and no one cares ... as you'll soon find out[2], and this ... is the escape you're going to be stuck with, I'm afraid / However, I have to say it's better than "work"[1], and who are YOU(!)? COME ON!!![2], and nobody wants any answers from you, Liu / It's only a game ...[1], and this ... is the escape you're going to be stuck with, I'm afraid / However, I have to say it's better than "work"[2], and ... / Are YOU(!) ... brave enough to head beyond the THREE?[1], and nobody wants any answers from you, Liu / It's only a game ...[2], and your new colleagues are in the pub getting drunk with different fish, man! / shame about JPMorgan[1], and ... / Are YOU(!) ... brave enough to head beyond the THREE?[2], and this ... is magic time, forever[1], and your new colleagues are in the pub getting drunk with different fish, man! / shame about JPMorgan[2], and ... / Are you here, Xiaoyu?[3], and this ... is magic time, forever[2], and Liu, mate, people will try to put us down just because we get a-ROUND / 'Ain't that the truth!'[3], and ... / Are you here - yes! / and is it better than "working" at Aviva Investors?[3], and getting back in touch?! / Oh, you're much nicer than that Stephen Smethurst![3], and I'm pretty sure you're a man[3], and a-ROUND we go, a-ROUND, a-ROUND we go - are you DIZZY yet?[3], and this ... is the best escape[3], and ... I undertake company visits, conference calls, build models, and forecast returns ... Oh, we don't need to know, son[3], and no one cares ... as you'll soon find out[3], and who are YOU(!)? COME ON!!![3], and this ... is the escape you're going to be stuck with, I'm afraid / However, I have to say it's better than "work"[3], and nobody wants any answers from you, Liu / It's only a game ...[3], and ... / Are YOU(!) ... brave enough to head beyond the THREE?[3], and your new colleagues are in the pub getting drunk with different fish, man! / shame about JPMorgan[3], and this ... is magic time, forever[3], and

And ... / Are you here, Xiaoyu?[1], and Liu, mate, people will try to put us down just because we get a-ROUND / 'Ain't that the truth!'[1], and ... / Are you here, Xiaoyu?[2], and ... / Are you here - yes! / and is it better than "working" at Aviva Investors?[1], and Liu, mate, people will try to put us down just because we get a-ROUND / 'Ain't that the truth!'[2], and getting back in touch?! / Oh, you're much nicer than that Stephen Smethurst![1], and ... / Are you here - yes! / and is it better than "working" at Aviva Investors?[2], and I'm pretty sure you're a man[1], and getting back in touch?! / Oh, you're much nicer than that Stephen Smethurst![2], and a-ROUND we go, a-ROUND, a-ROUND we go - are you DIZZY yet?[1], and I'm pretty sure you're a man[2], and this ... is the best escape[1], and a-ROUND we go, a-ROUND, a-ROUND we go - are you DIZZY yet?[2], and ... I undertake company visits, conference calls, build models, and forecast returns ... Oh, we don't need to know, son[1], and this ... is the best escape[2], and no one cares ... as you'll soon find out[1], and ... I undertake company visits, conference calls, build models, and forecast returns ... Oh, we don't need to know, son[2], and who are YOU(!)? COME ON!!![1], and no one cares ... as you'll soon find out[2], and this ... is the escape you're going to be stuck with, I'm afraid / However, I have to say it's better than "work"[1], and who are YOU(!)? COME ON!!![2], and nobody wants any answers from you, Liu / It's only a game ...[1], and this ... is the escape you're going to be stuck with, I'm afraid / However, I have to say it's better than "work"[2], and ... / Are YOU(!) ... brave enough to head beyond the THREE?[1], and nobody wants any answers from you, Liu / It's only a game ...[2], and your new colleagues are in the pub getting drunk with different fish, man! / shame about JPMorgan[1], and ... / Are YOU(!) ... brave enough to head beyond the THREE?[2], and this ... is magic time, forever[1], and your new colleagues are in the pub getting drunk with different fish, man! / shame about JPMorgan[2], and ... / Are you here, Xiaoyu?[3], and this ... is magic time, forever[2], and Liu, mate, people will try to put us down just because we get a-ROUND / 'Ain't that the truth!'[3], and ... / Are you here - yes! / and is it better than "working" at Aviva Investors?[3], and getting back in touch?! / Oh, you're much nicer than that Stephen Smethurst![3], and I'm pretty sure you're a man[3], and a-ROUND we go, a-ROUND, a-ROUND we go - are you DIZZY yet?[3], and this ... is the best escape[3], and ... I undertake company visits, conference calls, build models, and forecast returns ... Oh, we don't need to know, son[3], and no one cares ... as you'll soon find out[3], and who are YOU(!)? COME ON!!![3], and this ... is the escape you're going to be stuck with, I'm afraid / However, I have to say it's better than "work"[3], and nobody wants any answers from you, Liu / It's only a game ...[3], and ... / Are YOU(!) ... brave enough to head beyond the THREE?[3], and your new colleagues are in the pub getting drunk with different fish, man! / shame about JPMorgan[3], and this ... is magic time, forever[3], and

Xiaoyu Liu has joined Aviva Investors

Yeah. And I have no idea why. Xiaoyu has left a perfectly good job at JPMorgan Asset Management to do ... whatever they do at Aviva Investors. 'Xiaoyu is going to get involved in some emerging markets stuff, boss.' Emerging markets?! Well, that rings alarm bells already. Why would Aviva Investors be interested in emerging markets? 'Maybe they think it gives the impression they're taking an interest in what's going on in the world.' Eh? 'I mean, if they're in the pub all day, they can leave Xiaoyu in the office, doing what he does, and -' Oh, we don't know it's a man, do we? Xiaoyu probably is a man, but I'm no good with these Chinese names. 'What else could he be, Mikey?' Well, one of those other ones ...

It doesn't bear thinking about. /  Asia Equity Income fund, Emerging Markets Equity Income fund, Emerging Market Small Cap fund ... NO! They must think we were born yesterday.

Now, if Xiaoyu were working at Schroders ... it would be a different matter. That's something we could believe in. 'If we dig a bit deeper, boss, we'll probably find that Schroders is managing all the funds anyway.' Yeah, same old story. I can't be bothered with it though. / I'm not even having a go at Aviva Investors, really, dear reader(s). I just wish they would be a bit more honest, you know? I mean, Euan Munro should just say to everyone, clients, reporters: We ain't managing no fucking funds, man, or doing any fucking work at all. We've got more money than we need, and we're happy in the pub. Deal with it! Not only would people respect that, but other financial firms would follow their example. 'Yeah. Then we could create a more beautiful world.' Of course we could, Voice! It's the next logical step.

...

Never mind. / I suppose I'll be taking Xiaoyu Liu for a spin after lunch. I've got nothing else to do.

Wednesday, 29 October 2014

[No. 263] You say you want a revolution ...

You can count me in, or out.

And guess what ...[1], and we're still getting a-ROUND, and a-ROUND, and a-ROUND ... / 'We love it, man!'[1], and guess what ...[2], and ... / We are genuine revolvers![1], and we're still getting a-ROUND, and a-ROUND, and a-ROUND ... / 'We love it, man!'[2], and ... / EVERYTHING(!!!) ... you've been told by the slave masters is ... NONSENSE!!![1], and ... / We are genuine revolvers![2], and if you want MONEY for people with minds that HATE ... I feel sorry for you[1], and ... / EVERYTHING(!!!) ... you've been told by the slave masters is ... NONSENSE!!![2], and the 1 per cent have enough[1], and if you want MONEY for people with minds that HATE ... I feel sorry for you[2], and some of YOU(!) may wonder ... 'Oh, oh, do they need to get all a-ROUND and DIZZY?'[1], and the 1 per cent have enough[2], and I'm ... so ooo ... ooo ... ooo ... a-ROUND and DIZZY[1], and some of YOU(!) may wonder ... 'Oh, oh, do they need to get all a-ROUND and DIZZY?'[2], and I want YOU(!) to dig it all and not to wonder why / 'What? Like Van Morrison, Mikey?' Yeah, man, just like Van the MAN[1], and I'm ... so ooo ... ooo ... ooo ... a-ROUND and DIZZY[2], and we're going back ...[1], and I want YOU(!) to dig it all and not to wonder why / 'What? Like Van Morrison, Mikey?' Yeah, man, just like Van the MAN[2], and you better FREE your mind ... / So, get more than THREE, you dig?[1], and we're going back ...[2], and ... wah, wah? 'Oh yeah! Some Jimi!'[1], and you better FREE your mind ... / So, get more than THREE, you dig?[2], and some sunshine of my love, for you, with a riff that never gets old? 'Yes please!'[1], and ... wah, wah? 'Oh yeah! Some Jimi!'[2], and ... astral years, for all of us[1], and some sunshine of my love, for you, with a riff that never gets old? 'Yes please!'[2], and John Lennon got lucky, and John Lennon won the pools ...[1], and ... astral years, for all of us[2], and sometimes the masters allow someone to entertain the slaves ... 'So let me entertain you!' NO![1], and John Lennon got lucky, and John Lennon won the pools ...[2], and as soon as you're born ...[1], and sometimes the masters allow someone to entertain the slaves ... 'So let me entertain you!' NO![2], and guess what ...[3], and as soon as you're born ...[2], and we're still getting a-ROUND, and a-ROUND, and a-ROUND ... / 'We love it, man!'[3], and ... / We are genuine revolvers![3], and ... / EVERYTHING(!!!) ... you've been told by the slave masters is ... NONSENSE!!![3], and if you want MONEY for people with minds that HATE ... I feel sorry for you[3], and the 1 per cent have enough[3], and some of YOU(!) may wonder ... 'Oh, oh, do they need to get all a-ROUND and DIZZY?'[3], and I'm ... so ooo ... ooo ... ooo ... a-ROUND and DIZZY[3], and I want YOU(!) to dig it all and not to wonder why / 'What? Like Van Morrison, Mikey?' Yeah, man, just like Van the MAN[3], and we're going back ...[3], and you better FREE your mind ... / So, get more than THREE, you dig?[3], and ... wah, wah? 'Oh yeah! Some Jimi!'[3], and some sunshine of my love, for you, with a riff that never gets old? 'Yes please!'[3], and ... astral years, for all of us[3], and John Lennon got lucky, and John Lennon won the pools ...[3], and sometimes the masters allow someone to entertain the slaves ... 'So let me entertain you!' NO![3], and as soon as you're born ...[3], and

And guess what ...[1], and we're still getting a-ROUND, and a-ROUND, and a-ROUND ... / 'We love it, man!'[1], and guess what ...[2], and ... / We are genuine revolvers![1], and we're still getting a-ROUND, and a-ROUND, and a-ROUND ... / 'We love it, man!'[2], and ... / EVERYTHING(!!!) ... you've been told by the slave masters is ... NONSENSE!!![1], and ... / We are genuine revolvers![2], and if you want MONEY for people with minds that HATE ... I feel sorry for you[1], and ... / EVERYTHING(!!!) ... you've been told by the slave masters is ... NONSENSE!!![2], and the 1 per cent have enough[1], and if you want MONEY for people with minds that HATE ... I feel sorry for you[2], and some of YOU(!) may wonder ... 'Oh, oh, do they need to get all a-ROUND and DIZZY?'[1], and the 1 per cent have enough[2], and I'm ... so ooo ... ooo ... ooo ... a-ROUND and DIZZY[1], and some of YOU(!) may wonder ... 'Oh, oh, do they need to get all a-ROUND and DIZZY?'[2], and I want YOU(!) to dig it all and not to wonder why / 'What? Like Van Morrison, Mikey?' Yeah, man, just like Van the MAN[1], and I'm ... so ooo ... ooo ... ooo ... a-ROUND and DIZZY[2], and we're going back ...[1], and I want YOU(!) to dig it all and not to wonder why / 'What? Like Van Morrison, Mikey?' Yeah, man, just like Van the MAN[2], and you better FREE your mind ... / So, get more than THREE, you dig?[1], and we're going back ...[2], and ... wah, wah? 'Oh yeah! Some Jimi!'[1], and you better FREE your mind ... / So, get more than THREE, you dig?[2], and some sunshine of my love, for you, with a riff that never gets old? 'Yes please!'[1], and ... wah, wah? 'Oh yeah! Some Jimi!'[2], and ... astral years, for all of us[1], and some sunshine of my love, for you, with a riff that never gets old? 'Yes please!'[2], and John Lennon got lucky, and John Lennon won the pools ...[1], and ... astral years, for all of us[2], and sometimes the masters allow someone to entertain the slaves ... 'So let me entertain you!' NO![1], and John Lennon got lucky, and John Lennon won the pools ...[2], and as soon as you're born ...[1], and sometimes the masters allow someone to entertain the slaves ... 'So let me entertain you!' NO![2], and guess what ...[3], and as soon as you're born ...[2], and we're still getting a-ROUND, and a-ROUND, and a-ROUND ... / 'We love it, man!'[3], and ... / We are genuine revolvers![3], and ... / EVERYTHING(!!!) ... you've been told by the slave masters is ... NONSENSE!!![3], and if you want MONEY for people with minds that HATE ... I feel sorry for you[3], and the 1 per cent have enough[3], and some of YOU(!) may wonder ... 'Oh, oh, do they need to get all a-ROUND and DIZZY?'[3], and I'm ... so ooo ... ooo ... ooo ... a-ROUND and DIZZY[3], and I want YOU(!) to dig it all and not to wonder why / 'What? Like Van Morrison, Mikey?' Yeah, man, just like Van the MAN[3], and we're going back ...[3], and you better FREE your mind ... / So, get more than THREE, you dig?[3], and ... wah, wah? 'Oh yeah! Some Jimi!'[3], and some sunshine of my love, for you, with a riff that never gets old? 'Yes please!'[3], and ... astral years, for all of us[3], and John Lennon got lucky, and John Lennon won the pools ...[3], and sometimes the masters allow someone to entertain the slaves ... 'So let me entertain you!' NO![3], and as soon as you're born ...[3], and

And guess what ...[1], and we're still getting a-ROUND, and a-ROUND, and a-ROUND ... / 'We love it, man!'[1], and guess what ...[2], and ... / We are genuine revolvers![1], and we're still getting a-ROUND, and a-ROUND, and a-ROUND ... / 'We love it, man!'[2], and ... / EVERYTHING(!!!) ... you've been told by the slave masters is ... NONSENSE!!![1], and ... / We are genuine revolvers![2], and if you want MONEY for people with minds that HATE ... I feel sorry for you[1], and ... / EVERYTHING(!!!) ... you've been told by the slave masters is ... NONSENSE!!![2], and the 1 per cent have enough[1], and if you want MONEY for people with minds that HATE ... I feel sorry for you[2], and some of YOU(!) may wonder ... 'Oh, oh, do they need to get all a-ROUND and DIZZY?'[1], and the 1 per cent have enough[2], and I'm ... so ooo ... ooo ... ooo ... a-ROUND and DIZZY[1], and some of YOU(!) may wonder ... 'Oh, oh, do they need to get all a-ROUND and DIZZY?'[2], and I want YOU(!) to dig it all and not to wonder why / 'What? Like Van Morrison, Mikey?' Yeah, man, just like Van the MAN[1], and I'm ... so ooo ... ooo ... ooo ... a-ROUND and DIZZY[2], and we're going back ...[1], and I want YOU(!) to dig it all and not to wonder why / 'What? Like Van Morrison, Mikey?' Yeah, man, just like Van the MAN[2], and you better FREE your mind ... / So, get more than THREE, you dig?[1], and we're going back ...[2], and ... wah, wah? 'Oh yeah! Some Jimi!'[1], and you better FREE your mind ... / So, get more than THREE, you dig?[2], and some sunshine of my love, for you, with a riff that never gets old? 'Yes please!'[1], and ... wah, wah? 'Oh yeah! Some Jimi!'[2], and ... astral years, for all of us[1], and some sunshine of my love, for you, with a riff that never gets old? 'Yes please!'[2], and John Lennon got lucky, and John Lennon won the pools ...[1], and ... astral years, for all of us[2], and sometimes the masters allow someone to entertain the slaves ... 'So let me entertain you!' NO![1], and John Lennon got lucky, and John Lennon won the pools ...[2], and as soon as you're born ...[1], and sometimes the masters allow someone to entertain the slaves ... 'So let me entertain you!' NO![2], and guess what ...[3], and as soon as you're born ...[2], and we're still getting a-ROUND, and a-ROUND, and a-ROUND ... / 'We love it, man!'[3], and ... / We are genuine revolvers![3], and ... / EVERYTHING(!!!) ... you've been told by the slave masters is ... NONSENSE!!![3], and if you want MONEY for people with minds that HATE ... I feel sorry for you[3], and the 1 per cent have enough[3], and some of YOU(!) may wonder ... 'Oh, oh, do they need to get all a-ROUND and DIZZY?'[3], and I'm ... so ooo ... ooo ... ooo ... a-ROUND and DIZZY[3], and I want YOU(!) to dig it all and not to wonder why / 'What? Like Van Morrison, Mikey?' Yeah, man, just like Van the MAN[3], and we're going back ...[3], and you better FREE your mind ... / So, get more than THREE, you dig?[3], and ... wah, wah? 'Oh yeah! Some Jimi!'[3], and some sunshine of my love, for you, with a riff that never gets old? 'Yes please!'[3], and ... astral years, for all of us[3], and John Lennon got lucky, and John Lennon won the pools ...[3], and sometimes the masters allow someone to entertain the slaves ... 'So let me entertain you!' NO![3], and as soon as you're born ...[3], and

Why Daniel Ben-Ami can't understand Russell Brand

There is something profoundly disturbing about Fundweb's Daniel Ben-Ami's reaction to Russell Brand's rants. 'It's so predictable for one thing, Mikey.' Yes, Voice. / Brand is talking gibberish for a reason: to annoy people like Daniel Ben-Ami and the people they represent, the 1 per cent. 'Oh, those 1 per cent bastards! I hate them, boss.' We all do, son. / Now, I presume our Danny is from a nice upper middle-class family. 'Of course he is!' Well, it means he can't understand Brand, and he can't understand the struggle to find money for food and rent ... he can't understand much in the lives of ordinary people. 'He should get out more!' Yeah. See how the other 99 per cent live.

Gibberish? Let me tell you, dear reader(s), Russell Brand doesn't need to make sense. 'Which is just as well.' He just needs to keep going. The more that witless conservatives and ultra-capitalists attack him, the more famous he becomes. Then the sort of people who admire Brand - those who wouldn't normally take an interest in politics - start to think a bit about the world they're living in. Maybe they ask themselves why they're taking shit from Old Etonian aristocrats in government while the rich keep getting richer. Maybe they decide to vote in a different way, or register to vote for the first time, or not vote at all and take some other kind of action. Personally, I'm all for becoming one with God and getting off the planet.

Russell Brand is a professional troublemaker and a brilliant comedian. I hope he has many fruitful years ahead of him. 'So do I, Mikey!' That makes two of us, man.

...

Lunch? Egg sandwich. After lunch? Another conceptual, No. 263. You say you want a revolution. I'm going to give it to you.

Music? I haven't put anything on yet. / Saturday, I was listening to Cream for most of the day, then I found out that Jack Bruce had died. 'Spooky!' Yeah.

Guitar? Well, I'm still rockin' in the free world, if that's what you want to know. / I reckon I'll try recording my songs again at the weekend. It's getting better, man. 'What is?' My playing, Voice.

Tuesday, 28 October 2014

Zafiro Capital Commodities Trading fund?

What? 'What?' What's this Zafiro Capital Commodities Trading fund? Oh, let me tell you, dear reader(s). It's a new fund that is going to be launched next month by Stephen Smethurst. 'Who the hell is Stephen Smethurst, Mikey?!' Stephen Smethurst, Voice, is an oil trader. He used to work at Black River Asset Management. 'Really? I've never heard of him.' Well, he's a serious guy, man. 'Yeah?' Big time. I've just been looking at his LinkedIn profile. He doesn't mess around. Most people at the end of their profile say that they want to make new friends, or get in touch with old friends. Nice, human stuff like that. However, our Stephen just says he can be contacted for "business deals". Nothing else! 'Business deals? Is that all?!' Yeah. 'A bit cold, isn't it, boss?' Well, he wants to get ahead in life, Voice. There's money to be made. Making new friends or getting in touch with old friends is for losers.

You want more? Okay ... Stephen has been telling anyone who will listen that profits can still be made with oil. And he wants a $1 million minimum investment from clients. 'Ha! If wishes were horses ...' People who invest over $20 million will get a discount on fees and a free pen. 'A free pen?!' I made that last bit up. / Zafiro Capital is based in Geneva, by the way.

Obviously, it goes without saying that I wish Stephen all the best. It's not every day we get a new hedge fund, is it? 'Yes it is.' You can't have too many hedge funds, man. 'You were telling us last week that we couldn't have too many drunken boats.' That's true as well. / You've got a bad attitude, Voice. Are you sure you're cut out for this business?

Oh, he's gone. He's very moody these days, dear reader(s), don't you think?

...

Er ... yeah. So ... yeah. I feel moody, myself, a bit. It's catching!

Other news? There is no "other" news, man. Wake up! How many times do you need to be told? / Jesus! This life. I've been thinking about how corrupt the world is. And I've been thinking that "political" people really are stupid. Conservatives are utterly corrupt and selfish. Nothing they believe or say or do is remotely for the good of humanity. But socialists are just as bad - in the sense that they think they can change human nature. Human nature is rotten. Only God offers any hope.

Christ! / If I were God though, I'd be smart. I'd be concentrating on other planets. Cut loose of this shithole, you know? / There are billions of galaxies with billions of stars and planets in them. There's got to be some decent, civilized life out there somewhere. Imagine! Aliens with no politics! (Why would they want to split themselves up into different groups, all believing a different kind of nonsense?) And aliens with no religion! (They don't need religion, if they've got God.) / Salvation? We need to be released! All of us!

...

Well, I'm going to play my guitar for the rest of the day. Music is my only salvation. Laters.

Monday, 27 October 2014

Carl Icahn says the Taj Mahal will close this year

Pretty depressing ... / And Carl's absolutely gutted about it because the Taj Mahal is his favourite Indian restaurant. Carl told a reporter: "I'm distraught. I visit the Taj Mahal at least three times a week. I was even thinking about buying the place. Have you tried their chicken madras? Well, you should try it, man. It's out of this world! Mr Patel is a nice guy, but I think he's taken his eye off the ball. The restaurant is losing money. And they owe me money, by the way. I lent Mr Patel a few thousand dollars back in March. I'll never see that again. So, it's sad. Even Gordon Ramsay wouldn't be able to save the place. I'm afraid it will close before Christmas."

Well, yeah ... I know how Carl feels. When my nearest chip shop closed down last year I was really upset. They used to do these massive chips which were actually cut from the potato in the shop, you know? They didn't get them out of a bag in the freezer. Unfortunately, you never knew when the shop would be open. They didn't keep regular hours. It was like a hobby to them. They had a big relaunch at one point. However, no one turned up. And then they went out of business about a month later. / Still, there are other good chip shops in my area. It's not the greatest tragedy of all times or anything.

...

Other news? Oh, man, did you see David Cameron the other day, shouting and screaming on the TV, and banging his fists, his face bright red? Sure, he has a point about the £1.7 billion that the Eurofreaks are asking for, but I was like ... No, please, Dave, be quiet. People all around the world are watching you, for Christ's sake! / Do you know what I mean, dear reader(s)? It was so fucking embarrassing! Statesman?! Jesus! There's a three-legged cat in my street that would make a better statesman. 'Statescat, boss!' Yeah, whatever.

Thursday, 23 October 2014

Daniel Barach is launching a new hedge fund!

This guy never gives up! Danny had an old hedge fund, MLT Capital, which went out of business in 2008. It was very upsetting and Danny actually joined a cult for five years. 'A cult?!' Yeah. For spiritual reflection, Voice, or to lose himself, I don't know. 'Christ!' Yeah, maybe. I don't know. Or one of the space people, aliens. 'Eh?' / But now he's back! 'Great! / In black?' What? 'Is he back in black, Mikey?' Well, I'm looking at his LinkedIn profile. I think he's wearing a black suit. A white shirt though. 'Oh. / Was he really in a cult?' No. I was only joking, man. 'You're a funny guy, boss.' I know.

Anyway, Danny's new fund is called Turnaround Stocks. He's hoping he'll be able to help folks in Cincinnati with it. 'Why?' Because he's from Cincinnati. 'Yeah, but why does he want to help people?' I don't know. He's just that sort of guy, I suppose. A humanitarian, like me.

Oh, by the way, dear reader(s), the minimum investment is $500,000. So, no bums please. 'He wants to help rich people, then?' What's your problem, Voice?! 'I ain't got no problem. I'm just trying to understand what Mr Barach is doing.' He's launching a new hedge fund! And it's none of your business, you little idiot!

My apologies, Danny, if you're reading this. I'm sure you know how difficult it is to find good staff these days.

...

Well, the end of another week, eh? Yeah, it's the end of another week. Tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow ...

[No. 262] Tony Lanning, drunken boat extraordinaire!

We've got to admire our Tony, jumping into No. 262 like this - as an actual drunken boat! Very risky behaviour!

And here he is![1], and lighter than cork, he revolves upon waves that roll the dead forever in the deep? Er ... YES! That's our Tony![1], and here he is![2], and like, er, a duck to water, certainly[1], and lighter than cork, he revolves upon waves that roll the dead forever in the deep? Er ... YES! That's our Tony![2], and a-ROUND the waves here through the wild splash and surging of the tides, we are here ... too![1], and like, er, a duck to water, certainly[2], and Rimbaud would be spinning if he were with us, not in his grave[1], and a-ROUND the waves here through the wild splash and surging of the tides, we are here ... too![2], and washed in vomit and stained with blue wine, our Tony? Not on a working day, surely?![1], and Rimbaud would be spinning if he were with us, not in his grave[2], and we have seen what others have only dreamed they saw![1], and washed in vomit and stained with blue wine, our Tony? Not on a working day, surely?![2], and Tony never thought the bright feet of Mary could muzzle up the heavy-breathing waves! 'Fair enough, boss'[1], and we have seen what others have only dreamed they saw![2], and panthers in the skins of men?![1], and Tony never thought the bright feet of Mary could muzzle up the heavy-breathing waves! 'Fair enough, boss'[2], and Tony likes to bathe in black perfume, just like the giant serpents! 'Whatever floats his boat!'[1], and panthers in the skins of men?![2], and silver suns, waves of pearl, fiery skies ...[1], and Tony likes to bathe in black perfume, just like the giant serpents! 'Whatever floats his boat!'[2], and a-ROUND, again, and again, a-ROUND, so exhausting ... / at least Rimbaud's had an ending ...[1], and silver suns, waves of pearl, fiery skies ...[2], and ... / ... oh, a-ROUND![1], and a-ROUND, again, and again, a-ROUND, so exhausting ... / at least Rimbaud's had an ending ...[2], and I feel like ... crying a bit[1], and ... / ... oh, a-ROUND![2], and it's true, Tony has cried too much ... maybe he'll sink in the sea 'And give us all a rest, eh?'[1], and I feel like ... crying a bit[2], and here he is![3], and it's true, Tony has cried too much ... maybe he'll sink in the sea 'And give us all a rest, eh?'[2], and lighter than cork, he revolves upon waves that roll the dead forever in the deep? Er ... YES! That's our Tony![3], and like, er, a duck to water, certainly[3], and a-ROUND the waves here through the wild splash and surging of the tides, we are here ... too![3], and Rimbaud would be spinning if he were with us, not in his grave[3], and washed in vomit and stained with blue wine, our Tony? Not on a working day, surely?![3], and we have seen what others have only dreamed they saw![3], and Tony never thought the bright feet of Mary could muzzle up the heavy-breathing waves! 'Fair enough, boss'[3], and panthers in the skins of men?![3], and Tony likes to bathe in black perfume, just like the giant serpents! 'Whatever floats his boat!'[3], and silver suns, waves of pearl, fiery skies ...[3], and a-ROUND, again, and again, a-ROUND, so exhausting ... / at least Rimbaud's had an ending ...[3], and ... / ... oh, a-ROUND![3], and I feel like ... crying a bit[3], and it's true, Tony has cried too much ... maybe he'll sink in the sea 'And give us all a rest, eh?'[3], and

And here he is![1], and lighter than cork, he revolves upon waves that roll the dead forever in the deep? Er ... YES! That's our Tony![1], and here he is![2], and like, er, a duck to water, certainly[1], and lighter than cork, he revolves upon waves that roll the dead forever in the deep? Er ... YES! That's our Tony![2], and a-ROUND the waves here through the wild splash and surging of the tides, we are here ... too![1], and like, er, a duck to water, certainly[2], and Rimbaud would be spinning if he were with us, not in his grave[1], and a-ROUND the waves here through the wild splash and surging of the tides, we are here ... too![2], and washed in vomit and stained with blue wine, our Tony? Not on a working day, surely?![1], and Rimbaud would be spinning if he were with us, not in his grave[2], and we have seen what others have only dreamed they saw![1], and washed in vomit and stained with blue wine, our Tony? Not on a working day, surely?![2], and Tony never thought the bright feet of Mary could muzzle up the heavy-breathing waves! 'Fair enough, boss'[1], and we have seen what others have only dreamed they saw![2], and panthers in the skins of men?![1], and Tony never thought the bright feet of Mary could muzzle up the heavy-breathing waves! 'Fair enough, boss'[2], and Tony likes to bathe in black perfume, just like the giant serpents! 'Whatever floats his boat!'[1], and panthers in the skins of men?![2], and silver suns, waves of pearl, fiery skies ...[1], and Tony likes to bathe in black perfume, just like the giant serpents! 'Whatever floats his boat!'[2], and a-ROUND, again, and again, a-ROUND, so exhausting ... / at least Rimbaud's had an ending ...[1], and silver suns, waves of pearl, fiery skies ...[2], and ... / ... oh, a-ROUND![1], and a-ROUND, again, and again, a-ROUND, so exhausting ... / at least Rimbaud's had an ending ...[2], and I feel like ... crying a bit[1], and ... / ... oh, a-ROUND![2], and it's true, Tony has cried too much ... maybe he'll sink in the sea 'And give us all a rest, eh?'[1], and I feel like ... crying a bit[2], and here he is![3], and it's true, Tony has cried too much ... maybe he'll sink in the sea 'And give us all a rest, eh?'[2], and lighter than cork, he revolves upon waves that roll the dead forever in the deep? Er ... YES! That's our Tony![3], and like, er, a duck to water, certainly[3], and a-ROUND the waves here through the wild splash and surging of the tides, we are here ... too![3], and Rimbaud would be spinning if he were with us, not in his grave[3], and washed in vomit and stained with blue wine, our Tony? Not on a working day, surely?![3], and we have seen what others have only dreamed they saw![3], and Tony never thought the bright feet of Mary could muzzle up the heavy-breathing waves! 'Fair enough, boss'[3], and panthers in the skins of men?![3], and Tony likes to bathe in black perfume, just like the giant serpents! 'Whatever floats his boat!'[3], and silver suns, waves of pearl, fiery skies ...[3], and a-ROUND, again, and again, a-ROUND, so exhausting ... / at least Rimbaud's had an ending ...[3], and ... / ... oh, a-ROUND![3], and I feel like ... crying a bit[3], and it's true, Tony has cried too much ... maybe he'll sink in the sea 'And give us all a rest, eh?'[3], and

And here he is![1], and lighter than cork, he revolves upon waves that roll the dead forever in the deep? Er ... YES! That's our Tony![1], and here he is![2], and like, er, a duck to water, certainly[1], and lighter than cork, he revolves upon waves that roll the dead forever in the deep? Er ... YES! That's our Tony![2], and a-ROUND the waves here through the wild splash and surging of the tides, we are here ... too![1], and like, er, a duck to water, certainly[2], and Rimbaud would be spinning if he were with us, not in his grave[1], and a-ROUND the waves here through the wild splash and surging of the tides, we are here ... too![2], and washed in vomit and stained with blue wine, our Tony? Not on a working day, surely?![1], and Rimbaud would be spinning if he were with us, not in his grave[2], and we have seen what others have only dreamed they saw![1], and washed in vomit and stained with blue wine, our Tony? Not on a working day, surely?![2], and Tony never thought the bright feet of Mary could muzzle up the heavy-breathing waves! 'Fair enough, boss'[1], and we have seen what others have only dreamed they saw![2], and panthers in the skins of men?![1], and Tony never thought the bright feet of Mary could muzzle up the heavy-breathing waves! 'Fair enough, boss'[2], and Tony likes to bathe in black perfume, just like the giant serpents! 'Whatever floats his boat!'[1], and panthers in the skins of men?![2], and silver suns, waves of pearl, fiery skies ...[1], and Tony likes to bathe in black perfume, just like the giant serpents! 'Whatever floats his boat!'[2], and a-ROUND, again, and again, a-ROUND, so exhausting ... / at least Rimbaud's had an ending ...[1], and silver suns, waves of pearl, fiery skies ...[2], and ... / ... oh, a-ROUND![1], and a-ROUND, again, and again, a-ROUND, so exhausting ... / at least Rimbaud's had an ending ...[2], and I feel like ... crying a bit[1], and ... / ... oh, a-ROUND![2], and it's true, Tony has cried too much ... maybe he'll sink in the sea 'And give us all a rest, eh?'[1], and I feel like ... crying a bit[2], and here he is![3], and it's true, Tony has cried too much ... maybe he'll sink in the sea 'And give us all a rest, eh?'[2], and lighter than cork, he revolves upon waves that roll the dead forever in the deep? Er ... YES! That's our Tony![3], and like, er, a duck to water, certainly[3], and a-ROUND the waves here through the wild splash and surging of the tides, we are here ... too![3], and Rimbaud would be spinning if he were with us, not in his grave[3], and washed in vomit and stained with blue wine, our Tony? Not on a working day, surely?![3], and we have seen what others have only dreamed they saw![3], and Tony never thought the bright feet of Mary could muzzle up the heavy-breathing waves! 'Fair enough, boss'[3], and panthers in the skins of men?![3], and Tony likes to bathe in black perfume, just like the giant serpents! 'Whatever floats his boat!'[3], and silver suns, waves of pearl, fiery skies ...[3], and a-ROUND, again, and again, a-ROUND, so exhausting ... / at least Rimbaud's had an ending ...[3], and ... / ... oh, a-ROUND![3], and I feel like ... crying a bit[3], and it's true, Tony has cried too much ... maybe he'll sink in the sea 'And give us all a rest, eh?'[3], and

Tony Lanning loves risk!

Is anyone surprised? / Well, the cruel rocks gored Tony Lanning, like the horns of an angry bull ... Do you remember that, dear reader(s)? Oh, it were years ago. Henderson and the wreck of the Gartmore. Terrible times! But Tony has moved on. Yes, recovered, and moved on. He's at J.P. Morgan Asset Management now, working as some sort of fusion multi-manager or something. Well, it's his life.

Anyway, Tony has developed a taste for risk. 'Of course he has, Mikey! I mean, wouldn't you, out there, on the cruel sea?' Cruel rocks, Voice. 'The sea was cruel as well, wasn't it? What with that bloody hurricane and all. I quote - Then up and spake an old sailor, had sailed the Spanish Main, "I pray thee, put into yonder port, for I fear a hurricane." Remember?' Yes, I remember, Voice. We all remember. It was a dreadful episode. Tony was lucky to survive it.

But let’' concentrate on Tony's new love of risk. He says he's not worried about volatility in the markets. He sees the markets as a cruel sea we shouldn't fear. 'Well, that's only natural, boss.' Yes. And he ain't worried about no rocks, you know. Not this time. 'Is he a drunken boat?' I wouldn't say that, Voice. He is fearless though.

Actually, Voice, you've given me an idea. 'What?' After lunch I can take Tony for a spin in a drunken boat. No, I mean, he will be the drunken boat, himself, yeah? 'Like Rimbaud.' Well, Rimbaud and Fowke together. Kindred spirits! A drunken boat ... in a conceptual post! 'That's a brilliant idea, Mikey!' Thanks, man. 'It's my idea.' Half of it is. You can't take all the credit.

...

Give me a minute ...

I've just been looking through my archive, reader(s). I've mentioned The Drunken Boat before in a conceptual, and even rewrote it (sort of) in a conventional post. It doesn't matter. You can't have too many drunken boats, can you?

So, that's the afternoon sorted. What a life, eh?