Thursday, 26 August 2010

Why reading Felix Salmon will drive you round the bend

Getting up to fetch the bottle of wine, more like.

Have you ever tried to read Felix Salmon's blog without first imbibing copious amounts of wine? When you're completely straight in your head it makes no sense at all. Unless you've downed a gallon or two of fine wine (ask Mr Salmon for advice) you're going to have a rough time of it.

Update: A reader has pointed out to me that you do not need to get wasted on wine to understand the writings of Mr Salmon. I feel so foolish now. Apologies to Mr Salmon. You actually need to get smashed out of your head on peyote.

Update II: No, it makes more sense to me to use wine. I mean, Felix is a wine nut. He obviously composes his splendid posts under the influence of wine. Why would we want to use peyote? Surely peyote would only confuse matters? It's certainly something to think about.

Update III: I've thought about it. We don't need wine or peyote. If you go on to the astral plane and read a bit of Salmon - as I have just done - you will find the words he uses will spin around in your head in a most pleasing manner, and you'll be able to understand the meaning of those words without the aid of any stimulants whatsoever. Besides, too much wine will not stimulate you, or so I've been told. Let that be a warning! Don't drink it by the gallon! Who can afford to, anyway?

Update IV: Felix can, apparently. Is it true that Reuters supplies Mr Salmon with as much wine as he is capable of drinking? Another reader has just contacted me. It's a perk of the job! Mr Salmon insisted that it be written into his contract. Is this true? Can anyone confirm it? It seems he has a rather serious drink problem. I'm not going to judge him. I understand the stresses of modern life. We all like to relax. It's just that some of us relax until we pass out.

Update V: A pack of lies! Some people are willing to believe anything about Mr Salmon. HE DOES NOT HAVE A DRINK PROBLEM. And that comes straight from the psychiatrist who has been treating him for an unrelated problem these last twelve years. I think we can take the word of a doctor, don't you? Let this put an end to all the gossip.