Guillaume Rambourg suspended by Gartmore!

Oh, Guillaume Rambourg has been suspended by his firm, Gartmore! But who/what is he? I will not speak for him. Let Guillaume speak for himself -

Guillaume Rambourg is the man with the astral eyes. He is the one who has seen the unknown. He brought it all home. Home is where the unknown is. Guillaume Rambourg has seen it. He lives in the unknown. I am Guillaume. And I am unknown. Yes, it's true. You could not look at a man such as I, and say: ‘This is someone I know.’ That could not be said. No one has ever said it. No one will ever say it. And so I travel down life’s lonely highway, alone, but not afraid. Guillaume has no fear! Yes, he is alone. Everyone has a cross to bear. I do not complain. I am happy. Guillaume is happy. He is here. Here now. You would touch him if you could see him. But you cannot see. And you do not know.

Thank you, Guillaume. Just one thing: I can see you, and so can a lot of my readers.

Astral eyes?

Yes. Of course. What do you think we are?

Ben Anderson arrested by FSA/SOCA

Yes, another arrest. This time it is Ben Anderson, a private trader - or so they say. Not a toilet trader. He used to be a stockbroker. He owns 5.8 per cent of FuturaGene - whatever that is. And 4.5 per cent of Gold Oil as well.

I'm getting bored of all these arrests. That's seven now, isn’t it?

If any more people get arrested, they will be on their own. Even if they are personal friends of mine. I have more important things to do with my time than to spring to the defence of every trader or banker who gets in a spot of bother with the authorities.

For the record, Benny is a personal friend of mine, and I think he's all right. He is a veteran of the astral plane, and a true gent.

But let's leave it there. Enough already!

Graeme Shelley: "Taking some time off"

According to his employers, Novum Securities, Graeme Shelley is taking some time off.

Well, that's what I would do in his position. I would take some time off. Have a drink or two. Relax on the sofa. Maybe listen to an Elliott Smith album. Or Brian Eno's Apollo - very soothing. I wouldn't go tearing around the astral plane. I wouldn't pay any attention to the voices - all bona fide spirits, by the way - that I hear in my head. I would just let it all go. Let go.

Let it all go. Drift.

Yes. Yes. Yes. Let go.

You're almost gone now!

Yes.

Martyn Dodgson and Clive Roberts: what do we know about them?

Right, Martyn Dodgson, a managing director at Deutsche Bank, and Clive Roberts, head of European sales trading at Exane BNP, were arrested yesterday by the FSA and SOCA. They are suspected of being involved in insider trading. But what do we really know about them?

Martyn Dodgson: A complicated man. A man you will be able to find on the astral plane - if you look hard enough; but he likes to keep a low profile. I have spent many nights with him, burning in the desert. When he is in the mood, he can just float away in a peyote fantasy. And he is hard to catch then. He will touch the sky. He will dance with the dead financiers. He will love and keep loving, burn and keep burning, until, thoroughly exhausted, he will collapse into the arms of Ganesh the elephant god. I like him.

Clive Roberts: A notorious cold earth wanderer. I have no idea why Martyn Dodgson and Julian Rifat wanted anything to do with him. I suppose he was useful to them in some way, but I really cannot imagine him cutting loose in the desert of our dreams, the mystical desert of our love. This man has never been burnt by money. His chakras have never whirled. God knows what condition his aura is in. Bizarre!

Julian Rifat is the Moore Capital trader arrested by the FSA

Arrested by the FSA?! All right, he wasn't arrested by the FSA. The police got him. But I suppose it is only a matter of time before the FSA gets the power of arrest. These lunatics are out of control! And they won't be happy until every banker and trader in the City is behind bars. They'll be on the astral plane next. I can see it happening.

But back to Julian Rifat. He is a personal friend of mine. I do not know whether he is guilty or innocent. I can tell you though that I have spent time in the desert of our love with Julian. I trust him. Big Herb trusts him. The ghosts of the dead financiers trust him. And -

O Master, the fact that you trust him isn't really going to inspire your readers with confidence, is it?

O my child, what are you trying to say?

Come on, boss. Everyone knows what goes on in the astral desert of our love.

Shut it!


UPDATE: I've just been searching on Google and I think the FSA does have some power of arrest. Jesus! It's worse than I thought.

O Master, SOCA probably put the cuffs on him.

Whatever. I don't know how it works. I'm a financial shaman. It's not my area.

Michael Castellano is retiring from Lazard

Mikey Castellano, chief financial officer at Lazard, will retire at the end of March - next year!

Next year? So why is it being announced now?

Well, because his replacement, Matthieu Bucaille, needs time to get to grips with financial shamanism. You see, Mikey Castellano is an accomplished shaman. Almost in my league. Almost. And Matthieu, well, there's no polite way of saying it: he knows fuck all about the shamanism game.

I have been speaking to Mikey, and this is what he said: 'Mikey, I've got to train the bastard up. (Matthieu?) Yeah. He's hopeless. Lazard really needs a financial shaman as its chief financial officer - especially in this climate - and Matthieu just doesn't cut it, I'm afraid. (So why is Lazard giving him the job, Mikey?) Mikey, I don't know. It's politics, isn't it? Obviously someone is mad about him. Someone thinks he's hot shit. But he doesn't know his aura from his asshole. So I'm stuck with him, for a whole year. (What a way to spend the last year of your career!) Tell me about it, Mikey. And Christ knows what he'll be like on the plane. The place is stuffed with amateurs as it is.'

Yes, I've noticed that. There have been a lot of day trippers on the astral plane lately. Spurred on by this blog of mine, no doubt.

Why is Colin Banfield leaving Nomura?

Why has Colin resigned? Everyone seems to be leaving Nomura at the moment. It's beyond a joke. For those of you who don't know and may not even care, Colin Banfield is/was Nomura's co-head of investment banking for Asia-Pacific. Now he's joining Citigroup - according to nutjobs familiar with the matter.

O Master, what nutjobs?

I don't know. They're all the same, aren't they? These mysterious people who lurk in the shadows, who seem to know everything about everyone in the world of finance and banking, and yet refuse to be named.

Let's shine a light on them!

O my child, I wish we could. I sincerely wish we could, but ...

But?

I fear they may be under the protection of Jack Pickles.

No!

Yes. I fear that may be the case. But back to Colin. Why is he leaving Nomura?

He was impressed by Siggi Stardust the other week.

Yes, that's the reason. Anything Siggi Thorkelsson can do, Colin Banfield can do.

O Master, can he suck up into his mind like a leper messiah?

Well, you'll have to ask him. But I should imagine that he imagines he can. Otherwise why take the risk of moving on to pastures new? The grass isn't always greener, you know.

Good point.

Alex Blankfein made $155,000 at Goldman Sachs last year!

That's nice, isn't it? It's nice to see Alex following in his infamous father's footsteps. Maybe one day he will get to be the don. Or maybe Jonathan will. See here.

O Master, it's a family affair!

Yes. And family is important. Where would I be without my desert children?

Steven Frieberg will become the new CEO at E*Trade

Oh, I'm so happy for him. I mean, he needed this. He was at Citigroup for thirty years or so! Yes, Steven Frieberg will start at E*Trade at the beginning of next month. I'm sure he’ll fit right in.

I have been speaking to Robert Druskin (the current CEO, just days to go!), and he told me: 'Michael, we are delighted to welcome Steve to lead E*Trade into its next phase of growth, into its future. (How do you see the firm's future, Bob?) Well, for E*Trade - and I'm still going to be chairman of the board - the future is going to be so bright we will have to wear astral shades. (Really? So you're no stranger to the astral plane, then?) Mike, I am as strange a stranger as you can get, but I'm no stranger to the astral plane. What did you say, one time? "You shall become strangers to those who know you." Remember that? (Yeah.) Let me tell you, Mike, that shit struck a chord with everyone at E*Trade. We all became strangers to those who knew us. And it worked a treat. That's why we're bouncing back now.'

Good luck to them.

Cenkos ain't buying JM Finn

Cenkos Securities won't be buying JM Finn after all. The price wasn't right. JM Finn wanted more!

O Master, they always want more, don't they?

It's human nature, my child.

It makes you wonder. How much is enough? I'm sure Cenkos was willing to pay a decent price for this investment manager. I could weep.

O my child, you are taking this very hard. Why are you so emotional today?

O Master, there is someone at Cenkos who is very dear to me.

OH NO! DON'T MENTION HIS NAME! I DON'T WANT HIM SETTING HIS THUGS ON ME LIKE LAST TIME!

That was a silly misunderstanding. He's a good man.

Whatever.