Pisces: There's an old hatstand in your house worth hundreds of pounds.
Aries: People like you shouldn't have anything to do with money. Sorry, but I'm not going to lie to you.
Taurus: A new love drives up to you in a red Ferrari. As if.
Gemini: This is a very prosperous time for you. Some people believe you would do anything for money. They're not wrong.
Cancer: A rich aunt is going to leave you a lot of money in her will. But you'll probably waste most of it, knowing you.
Leo: Make as much money as you can today. I wouldn't read your horoscope tomorrow if I were you.
Virgo: I know what you're planning, and all I can say is - best of luck. You're going to need it.
Libra: Today is the day to start making a fortune breeding goldfish. Just like you've always wanted to.
Scorpio: There's an old hatstand in your house worth hundreds of pounds.
Sagittarius: You may not get what you want over the next few days, but you'll certainly get something you don't need.
Capricorn: You will be so successful today. People of other star signs will be overcome with jealousy and beat the crap out of you.
Aquarius: Do you know any Capricorns? Maybe they'll give you a handout.