Monday, 22 December 2008

Merry Christmas!

I'll be back on the fifth of January, with blood and fire and ectoplasm for everyone! But until then I want to wish you all a Merry Christmas.

O my children, my brothers, my sisters, will you be burning this Christmas? Or has the credit crunch got you down? Have no fear. Soon there will be a new year. A world of opportunities is waiting for us. If we can't make it in the City, we will make it in the desert.

Keep the faith, my children. I love you all.

Bob Doll: where is the money going to come from?

Bob Doll - vice-chairman and chief investment officer (equities) at BlackRock - wants to know where the money is going to come from. Obviously, he's concerned about the credit crunch, and the outlook for next year. But if I were Bob, I wouldn't worry.

Money will come to you only if you do not search for it. You must be still. You must be silent. Money is waiting. Breathing.

O Master, does the money love me?

Be silent, my child. Breathe.

Money is breathing. We must breathe with it. For the money to burn, we must prepare ourselves for a burning. Only the fool chases money. Look at his silly face! We will stand here in the desert, and we will prepare for a burning.

A great burning is coming. I feel it. Can you feel it?

Oh yes, Master, I can feel it. It's a monster!

Yes, my child, it is a monster. When the burning comes it will devour us. We will be taken into the flames, into the heart of a burning storm. Money will burn. We will burn. In silence. With love.

Stewart Cowley: lured away

Stewart Cowley has been lured away by Old Mutual Asset Managers UK. Most disturbing!

In fact, I was so disturbed by this that I phoned Keith Busby. This is what Keith told me about the incident: 'Lured away! Well, it's not as bad as it sounds. Stew was some sort of investment leader in fixed income at Newton Investment Management, but Old Mutual wanted him. Wanted him bad. So I was called in. They told me I could write my own ticket, as long as I helped them lure Stew away. So, yeah, I went to work. Basically, I put a spell on the guy. He was completely in my power for a short while, before I had to hand him over to the Old Mutual freaks. I'm just hoping he can't remember a thing about it. Otherwise, I'm going to get my collar felt.'

Mr Cowley has taken up his new position as head of fixed interest and macro.

Thursday, 18 December 2008

The Madoff curfew

Apparently, Bernard Madoff has been placed under some kind of crazy curfew by the US authorities. It means he can't leave his Manhattan apartment at night, or some crazy shit like that. I say crazy because if he is working for Jack Pickles (and we all know for goddamn sure that he is) then Jack will just come for him at night in his astral form and whisk him away. Both of them will be floating around on the astral plane (probably the lower levels) and the Feds won't be able to do a thing about it.

I have been speaking to Arthur Simmons about this. He told me, 'I don't think the Feds quite understand what they're dealing with here. Jack and Bernie will be running wild - flying high in the unfriendly sky, to paraphrase Marvin Gaye; and the Feds will just be camped outside Bernie's apartment believing everything is kosher. But nothing will be kosher, man. Jack and Bernie will be mixing with all kinds of demons on the lower levels - as you rightly said. They will be cutting deals, moving money around, no doubt burning money in satanic rituals. Not the way we burn money, no. Not the everlasting burning that never ceases. They will burn the money to ashes. The money will be as black as their hearts. It makes you want to weep. Well, it makes me want to weep. I'm an emotional man, man. You dig?'

I dig, Arthur. I really dig.

Wednesday, 17 December 2008

Stephen Raven: lost in a world of dreams

I went floating through the astral plane on the trip of a lifetime. And there I saw a man. He was not there. But then he was. And his name was Stephen Raven.

O Master, you must protect me. Mr Pickles is after me. I know nothing. I am lost in a world of dreams. I didn't even realize there was a third floor. What can I do?

You can act like a man! Admit what you did.

But I did nothing. I swear to you, Mr Fowke. I did nothing.

You let Jack into your life.

No, that was Bernie. Not me.

And what of Fairfield Greenwich? Or Tremont Capital? Or HSBC?

O Master, my mind is confused. But I am a separate entity. I am! I am! I am! You must believe me.

O my child, I do believe you. Forgive me for teasing you. I know you were not involved in the Ponzi scheme. But that's why you're in danger! Jack Pickles will want to drag you over to the dark side now.

And that's what I've been saying! Aren't you listening?

My child, I am listening, but you must calm down.

O Master, I am lost in a world of dreams. Am I real? Is the credit crunch real? Are you real? Are you Jack Pickles? Is he real? Why are you laughing? Where am I? Where am I? TELL ME WHERE I AM!!!

Tuesday, 16 December 2008

Shine on you crazy diamond!

So, Lautreamont appeared before me, spake unto me:

O Michael, you must take Bobby Diamond into the desert, and smash his consciousness, and burn him with money, and then bury him in the sand of your dreams, and then dig him up and let him shine in the desert sky like a crazy one!

But he's not ready!

O Michael, he is ready. Make him become a desert man. A holy crazy shining banking mutha!

And then what?

We will send him back to Barclays. He will burn them all! John Varley and Marcus Agius in flames!

But what does Big Herb say?

Big Herb has given his blessing. So has Ganesh. This is the way to beat the credit crunch. And there will be others. We will smash their minds and rebuild them. Holy cash will burn within them. It is the only way.

O Lautreamont, if you say so. So mote it be.

Friday, 12 December 2008

Bernard Madoff: the Jack Pickles connection

Okay. I have never quoted Jack on this blog before. A few reasons. Firstly, I hate the son of a bitch - even though we were once best friends. Secondly, I don't want Jack poisoning my readers' minds with his demonic nonsense. Thirdly, I have not spoken to him for a number of years anyway. If I want to find out what he is doing, I normally speak to his brother Nicky - who is a good kid.

BUT TODAY IS DIFFERENT. Yes. Bernard Madoff, the founder of Bernard Madoff Investment Securities and a former chairman of the Nasdaq stock market, was charged yesterday with a $50 billion securities fraud. He is out on $10 million bail at the moment. And it was Jack who put the money up.

So I phoned Jack at dawn this morning. He's in England, not the Cayman Islands. This is what happened (I'm in italics):

Hello. (Hello, Jack. It's Michael.) Michael Fowke? (Yeah.) This is a surprise. (You know why I'm phoning, don't you?) Let me guess - Bernard Madoff? (That's right. Is he working for you?) Hey, it's common knowledge I put up his bail money. But no, he's not working for me. (I don't believe you, Jack.) Prove he's working for me. (I can't prove it, Jack. But you've gone too far this time. The Feds will get you this time.) I'm protected, man. (Yeah, by Satan.) Everybody's got to be protected by someone, Mike. You've got Big Herb. I've got Satan. So sue me. (If the Feds don't get you, I will, Jack.) Sleep with one eye open, Mike.

I put the phone down. I was shaking all over afterwards. Not fear. Anger. I hate that man.

Thursday, 11 December 2008

ECI Partners raises £430 million for a new buy-out fund!

This is what I'm talking about! This is what I like to see! Credit crunch? What credit crunch? There ain't no friggin' credit crunch, man. You dreamed it. It was a nightmare. The private equity firm ECI Partners has managed to squeeze £430 million out of investors. How did ECI do it?

I have been speaking to Steve Tudge. This crazy cat is a member of ECI's investment committee, and this is what he told me: 'Mike, you know what we did? We took all our investors out into the desert, man, and gave them all a dose of medicine. You should have seen them. They stripped all their clothes off, and starting dancing, and hugging each other. We had a campfire raging the whole night. Flames to the sky! You dig? They were dancing around that. I swear - at one point - I saw the ghost of Jim Morrison, man! People don't believe me, but I saw him, man. With Arthur Rimbaud! Yeah. What a party! What a night! And in the morning, we got all the money we wanted. A decent pot of money. Our investors were only too happy to cough up.'

Wow!

Wednesday, 10 December 2008

New Morgan Stanley managing directors!

Right, here's a list of all the new managing directors at Morgan Stanley. I recognize a few of the names. Neil Fenton is a total mystical nutter - in the best sense, of course. Steven Knox studied with Arthur Simmons. He's a top man. A few shamans on the list. Well, anyway, congratulations to:

David Adams, Jason Ambrose, Keith Robert Andrew, Leigh Bainbridge, Julien Begasse de Dhaem, Joseph Benedetti, Garry Robert Bischoff, Chris Brigati, Ben Britz, Stephane Brown, Dominique Cahu, Eric Carlson, Audrey Choi, Valerie Chou, Yan Ching Chu, Jonathan Robert Clein, Nicholas Coghill, Robert K. Collins, Ryan T. Comerford, Dennis M. Cornell, James Cowan, Mike Davies, Walter Davis, Alex Debelak, Lucas K. Detor, Edward Donohue, Divya Doshi, Meyrick Douglas, Maria Douvas-Orme, Niall Thomas Dowling, Jason T. Duran, Miguel Espinosa, Neil D. Fenton, Michael Patrick Fitzgerald, Ami K. Forte, Guillaume Gabaix, Jordan Gershuny, Mark Gibbs, John S. Glass, Ignacio Gomendio, Jose Gonzalez-Heres, Patricia L. Gould, Leon Guo, Dietrich Heidtmann, Michael Helsby, Anthony Heredia, Simon Holden, Matthew Holland, Markus Hottenrott, Ben Huneke, Ben Hutchen, Ekko Jennings, Timothy James Jennison, Richard Ji, Christopher Kaladeen, David Kalajian, Federico Kaune, John Kelly-Jones, Navin Killa, Amy Kim, Soo-Hoon Kim, Thomas Kinnally, Man Kinoshita, Steven Knox, Kan Kotecha, Yoshinobu Kou, Peter Krowinkel, Adam Kudelka, Halvard Kvaale, Paul S. Kwan, Mark Graham Lake, Stephen W. Lehner, Thomas S. Lewis, Edward Liu, Kevin Lynyak, Ian Macleod, Raghavachari K. Madhavan, James Mangan, Xavier Mayer, Aseem Mehta, Paulo Mendes, Todd Noel Miller, Nina Nagpal, Robert Naso, James D. O'Brien, Hidetoshi Ohashi, Eric Ohayon, Fabian Onetti, Andrew Onslow, Kevin J. O'Reilly, Irene Miranda Otero-Novas, Christopher Pariot, Miro Pasic, Stefan Alexander Pendert, Merav Pepere, Daniel Edward Petherick, Toby Phelps, Joseph Pollaro, Ronald R. Pyke, Prashant P. Reddy, Tomer Regev, Matthew Neil Douglas Renirie, Andrew Richards, Arthur Ringness, Joseph Rooney, Randi Rosen, Geoff Ruddell, Monica Sah, Michele Samuels, Sneha Sanghvi, Serkan Savasoglu, Alfred D. Schulz, Dimitris J. Scotiniadis, Stuart Seeley, Kim Shaw, Jeffrey Siminoff, Thomas Ian Simpson, Michel Sindelar, Simon Stormer, Ian Sugarman, Iain Szucs, Khye-Hee Tan, Christopher Thiele, Xavier Trabia, Ravi Vazirani, Sabina Von Arx, Jamie Walton, Robert Webb, Alan B. Whitman, Candy Wong, David Wraight, Dennis Yamada, Martin Yule.

Neptune Investment Management might buy New Star

Yeah, it might, but it might not. I don't know what's going on. I've got more important things on my mind, to tell you the truth. I could only just about drag myself out of bed this morning to write this friggin' post. Yeah, I had a rough night on the astral plane last night, trying to get some sense out of that Jesus H. Christ character. Now, don't get me wrong, I respect the guy. There have been times in the past when I have needed his help. Like when the devils of Scrutton Street tried to fuck me over. But he is a hard man to deal with. Anyway, last night, I caught up with him in the astral desert. Been trying to find him for weeks now. I want to see him pulling his weight a bit more when it comes to the credit crunch. You know, help out a few bankers. But he wasn't very enthusiastic. Banking ain't my game, baby. That's what the holy one said. And I was like: Listen, man, a banker down on his luck is going to need you just as much as some fucking leper or blind man. Why don't you wake up and smell the coffee? Get with the program! And he just looked down his nose at me. I mean, he's one of these holier-than-thou types. I know he thinks I took a wrong turn in life, getting into financial shamanism and all, but I'm proud of my life and what I've achieved. I said to him: You helped me with those Scrutton Street slags. Why can't you help a few bankers or hedge fund managers? And this is what he actually said back to me: Mikey, man, hedge fund managers? Are you out of your freakin' mind? They've made their beds. Now they've got to lie in them. And those Scrutton Street slags? I would have taken down any mob of devils, man. That's what I do. But I am not bailing out a load of your Mayfair mates. Screw 'em.

Well, will Neptune buy New Star?

I’m going back to bed.

Tuesday, 9 December 2008

David Yarrow: a blessed man

O my children, my brothers, my sisters, I was on the astral plane a thousand years ago (or was it only last night?) with my dear friend David Yarrow, the founder of Clareville Capital.

O Master, the stars are so bright, the desert so cold, but where is the moon? O my child, the moon is inside. Everything is inside. There is no without tonight. Everything is within. Even the blood on the moon? Yes, my child, even the blood on the moon. It's in your mind, and your mind is vibrating with the cosmos. Your chakras are whirling. Can you feel them whirl, my child? O Master, I can feel them whirl! Does this mean I am blessed? Not quite, but you are on your way. O my child, you must think of your investors. They will never forgive you if you do not allow them to withdraw some of their money. Think, my child. The money they remove will come back to you. The great burning money souls, the eternal lords of cash, the masters of monstrous wisdom, the seers, the prophets - they are watching you! This is a test. Pass the test, and you shall be blessed. O Master, I am so happy now. Thank you for teaching me, for showing me the way. My child, the way is long, and strange, and beyond the understanding of the everyday man. The everyday man? Yes, my child, the everyday man will not believe in you. He does not believe in the way. He is a sinner. He is everywhere in the cold world. The world that has no burning. Cold earth wanderers! I spit on them! O Master, I spit on them too! I despise the cold earth wanderers. O my child, you learn fast. Your astral heart is burning. How much money do you have inside? Inside? Or without? Inside, my child. Forget about the lifeless money without. Speak of the burning money within. O Master, I have many millions within, and without. You know this. Yes, my child, I know. I would not associate with you otherwise. I will bless you now. You will? Yes. Do you believe in Big Herb? Yes, Master. Do you believe in Ganesh the elephant god? Yes, Master. Do you love them, my child? Oh yes, Master! Then I bless you. Now return to your body. Tomorrow, speak to your investors. Tell them you love them. I will. Oh thank you, Master.

Monday, 8 December 2008

Bernard Sabrier: dogs have lost their minds

What's all this? Well, the chairman of Unigestion, Bernard Sabrier, has been telling anyone who will listen that it's a dog-eat-dog world, and that some of these dogs have lost their minds. But I think he means jackals. That would make much more sense because there are a lot of jackals in the desert. Actually, Franz Kafka once wrote a short story called Jackals and Arabs, and I can quote: "They have the most lunatic hopes, these beasts; they're just fools, utter fools. That's why we like them; they are our dogs; finer dogs than any of yours." That's one of the Arabs speaking. So you see.

You do see, don't you? What old Bernard has been talking about in a rather confused way is the fact that there are dangerous creatures in the desert. Jackals, vultures, snakes, all sorts. He's saying if you're not careful, these beasts will attack you and eat you. Because they have lost their minds. I think. I don't know.

Thursday, 4 December 2008

Death Star Asset Management

All is vanity and vexation of spirit. There is a time to be born, and a time to die. Voices can be heard. Screams. O Master, I am scared. Shut your fucking mouth! Consider the hot burning dungeon thou art preparing for thyself to all eternity. Okay, sorry.

A dying star, a star reborn, blood on the moon! Blood on the tracks! I have looked into the hearts of all of you. I have seen your souls, aflame! Did you like the money? Oh yes, very much. I won't tell you again. Shut your filthy mouth! I will not be interrupted!

My child, my voice in my head, you must learn to be quiet. I have wisdom for you. What profit hath he, that worketh in that wherein he laboureth? Good question. Be quiet. Better is an handful with quietness, than both the hands full with travail and vexation of spirit. Who says? I fucking say! Shut up!

O Master, I cannot be quiet. My voice floats on the desert wind like the howl of a lonesome jackal. A star is dying. I am crying. All the children are crying. Do not be so hard on them, O Master. They want to be happy. I want to be happy.

My child, please listen: mortal man must always look to his ending, and none can be called happy until that day when he carries his happiness down to the grave in peace.

Three hermits: who was the richest?

One of them lived in a cave in the desert. He had a bag of gold coins.

One of them lived in a hut in the forest. He had a wooden box, stuffed with banknotes.

One of them lived in a bedsit in Camden. He had a credit card.

Wednesday, 3 December 2008

Clive Cowdery attracts £500 million!

Yes, Clive Cowdery has somehow managed to attract £500 million. I couldn't believe it when Keith Busby told me. This is what Keith said: '£500 million! That's the power of attraction for you. Of course, it helps that Clive has now cut himself off from his old boss Jack Pickles. And you can see the change in him. You can see it in his eyes. They are full of light and love. And when Clive looks at you, well, it's the look of love. There's no other way to put it. I'm no bender, but it is the look of love. And that's why the guy is attracting so much money now. That and the meditating. He's really cleaned his act up.'

Well, I was overjoyed to hear that Clive has stopped working for Jack, so I made a phone call to him. I wanted to hear all about this power of attraction, and his lovely eyes. This is what the man said: 'Oh man, has my life changed! That Jack is an evil bastard. Why didn't anyone warn me about him? (We all warned you, Clive.) But, yeah, this power of attraction shit is working wonders for me. All I've got to do is sit in my meditation room and think about money, and then the stuff comes rolling in. It's unbelievable! £500 million! Can you believe that? (I believe you, Clive.) I must be friggin' blessed or something. I wouldn't be at all surprised if Big Herb and Ganesh the elephant god were staring down at me from the astral plane, and just, you know, doing their thing for me. (Yeah, I know, Clive. Big Herb and Ganesh are good at doing their thing. It's what makes them so loved by all the mystical children.) And my eyes! Has anyone told you about my eyes? (Yeah, Keith has, but he's not a bender, you understand.) As soon as I quit my job with Jack, the light came into my eyes. The very next day! I looked into a mirror, and I couldn't friggin' believe it, man. This beautiful, soft, holy light - just streaming from my eyes! I almost fell in love with myself, like that Narcissus freak. It's a shame you can't see my eyes, Mikey. (I think I'll pass.) It's why the money comes to me. My eyes, the meditating, the love all around me, Big Herb and Ganesh. I can feel the cosmos vibrating. Can you believe that? (I believe you, Clive. I'm not exactly a novice at this shit.) See ya!'

Then he was gone. He put the phone down. Obviously, he became overexcited. Maybe someone came into his office, and he wanted to show them his lovely, mystical eyes. I don't know. But I wish him all the best, I really do.

Tuesday, 2 December 2008

I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds!

Oh yes, I am a thug 4 life! I saw the devil in my empty glass of Hennessy!

Bustin' double Glocks!

What is happening to me? It's as if Jack Pickles is speaking through me!

Do any of you think this is the right time to create a low-carbon economy?

There is a special place in hell for pious, self-righteous arseholes.

I KNOW YOU. I AM A MYSTIC. I CAN SEE INTO YOUR SOUL.

Monday, 1 December 2008

Hector Sants: making judgements about other's judgements

Hector says: 'Who am I to judge? Who judges the judges? And who judges the judges who judge the judges? But that's what we want to do at the Financial Services Authority. If we see a trader with a pack of tarot cards, and he draws The Fool, what are we to think of that? How do we judge the man? I suppose it all depends on what judgements the trader makes after choosing that card, or any other card. That tower hit by lightning. The Lovers. He could choose any card, and then make a judgement, and then the FSA would have to judge him. And then where would we be? And where would he be? These are the kind of things I think about. Some people have said I think too much. No! I am not Prince Hamlet, nor was meant to be. So, who shall judge me? Who is man enough, or woman enough, to judge one such as I? Remember, my friends, it's a cold world, and no one forgives the sinner who has sinned against his brother by taking his brother's bread and his wine and turning them into dust with a word that should not have been said.'

Thank you for that, Hector. I don't know what the fuck you were going on about, but thank you all the same.

Dixit Joshi: pouncing on analysts and traders

There is a report in a newspaper today, saying that Dixit Joshi (head of Europe and Asia equities at Barclays Capital) has been pouncing on analysts and traders - all former employees of Lehman Brothers. Now, as you can imagine, my first reaction was one of absolute disgust. Taking sexual advantage of people down on their luck is just not on. But then - as we are old friends - I decided to allow Dixit to explain himself in this blog. This is what the man said:

'Michael, there has been a complete misunderstanding. This is not a bizarre kink or perverted penchant we're talking about here. I have been recruiting these ex-Lehman employees through astral projection. Let me explain. As there were sixty of these characters, it was not practical arranging interviews at BarCap with all of them. So I came up with the idea of visiting them while they were asleep. In one night I was able to travel around in my astral body and hire all the people I wanted. What's the problem? There wasn't any impropriety.'

Fair enough. But did Dixit hover above their beds, or did he enter their bodies? This is what he said:

'Michael, what a question to ask me! I hovered above their beds. Of course I did. What sort of man do you take me for? The sort of vulgarian who goes around impersonating a night hag? Please!'

Dear reader, I believe him. I have known Dixit Joshi for five years, and in all that time he has not lied to me once or displayed any behaviour of a degenerate nature. The newspapers need to be more careful in their reporting. Let's consider the matter closed.