Thursday 19 April 2007

The ghost of Scrutton Street

A short walk away from Liverpool Street in the City of London there is a mysterious little street called Scrutton Street. If you listen hard enough in the early hours you will hear the lamentations of the ghost of Big Herb. He wanders up and down the street looking for his space hopper.

Sometimes - if you're very lucky or unlucky - you will actually be able to catch a glimpse of Big Herb. But do not approach him. Until he finds his beloved space hopper he does not want to be disturbed. He may even turn violent, so leave him alone. You have been warned.

Tuesday 10 April 2007

Big Herb the money king dies in tragic space hopper crash

At 12.15 pm today Big Herb - the boss of Herb Finance - died after crashing his space hopper into his office desk. His staff are in a state of shock. His right-hand man David Pitt said, 'He was my hero. I even wrote a poem about him. The financial world has lost a great man.'

Big Herb is a legend in City circles. He founded Herb Finance in 1985 with a small office near Liverpool Street, and went on to rule a financial empire that stretched the globe. He will be sorely missed.

Monday 9 April 2007

The fortune quiz

1) If ten crystal balls each show ten gold coins, and one of the balls breaks, and - amazingly - the coins roll out, but five of the coins are fake, and the fortune teller has a headache - how many of the coins will Rufus put in his pocket without anyone seeing?

2) If, after a good night's sleep, that same fortune teller opens a new pack of tarot cards, and places seven of the cards on a small table, and Rufus pops out for a moment - how many of the cards will be used as beer mats?

3) If the fortune teller's caravan has no wheels and is surely not going anywhere, and the fortune teller - her name's Rosie - is feeling very depressed, and Rufus is nowhere to be seen - how long will it take before Rosie moves into the hot dog business and cleans up?

Tuesday 3 April 2007

10 tips for getting rich

  1. Win the lottery.

  2. Find a load of money in a brown paper bag hidden behind a dustbin down an alleyway.

  3. Pray to the elephant god Ganesh.

  4. Become a film star, or a rock star - either will do.

  5. Start a cult and take 10 per cent of your followers' earnings.

  6. Go to your nearest volcano, gather up some rocks, and then sell them as genuine moon rocks.

  7. If Ganesh is not interested, try Lakshmi.

  8. Find a money spider. Treat it like one of the family.

  9. Balance a crystal on your head.

  10. If Lakshmi gives you the brush-off, I don't know who else to suggest.