Thursday, 31 May 2007

Finsbury Square Zombie Club: a short history

The Finsbury Square Zombie Club was founded in 1872 by Sir Ralph Coates. Sir Ralph was a bank manager who noticed one day that his staff were looking extremely zombified. He put this down to the boring nature of the work and decided that very moment to form the zombie club. He is reported to have said, 'They may be zombies, but they still need relaxation time.' He received his knighthood in 1900 for services to banking and for his commitment to zombie welfare.

The club was remarkably popular with financial workers in the City of London, but did not accept its first female member until after the Second World War. Her name was Emily Scott and she was soon followed by many other ladies. Things remained more or less the same until the late 1960s when a gang of Hell's Angels tried to join. There was a great deal of upheaval for a while, but the Hell's Angels soon got worn down by the zombies and moved on to open a tea room in Devon where they remain to this day.

Dougie Smith, who became club secretary in 1990, says, 'The Finsbury Square Zombie Club has a proud history of promoting zombie culture in the UK. It's something we take very seriously. In some countries - Haiti, for example - zombies face terrible discrimination. We are leading the world, showing how zombies play a vital role not only in the economy but in society as a whole.'

Tuesday, 29 May 2007

Nightmare on Scrutton Street

Time to get a bit personal. I have this recurring nightmare where I am trapped in Scrutton Street in London.

It is always 9.30 in the morning. It is a cold, misty morning, and I am stuck behind a desk in a dreary office. Various zombies are going about their business, and I am tapping away at a computer keyboard when suddenly a vision appears. It is an old and grey man, obviously on his last legs. But the shock is always terrible when I realize the vision is an older version of myself. I never get used to it. The vision stares at me and I begin to shake. He speaks to me, 'Michael, you must leave this place of horror. Leave now.' I speak to the vision, 'I can't leave. I'm stuck here.' The vision becomes angry and speaks again, 'You must leave. Leave, or end up like me. I was young once and had everything to live for. Then I fell in with the wrong crowd. They were office workers and they destroyed my life. Leave! Run from this hell of computers, phones and photocopiers!' But I am paralysed. I can't get out of my chair. I scream at the vision, 'I can't leave! I'm trapped!' Then I wake up in my bed, drenched in sweat, and realize I am not wasting my life in Scrutton Street. The relief is overwhelming.

What does it all mean? Will I really become like that vision? No. No. I am far away from Scrutton Street, and I will never return.

Friday, 25 May 2007

Big Herb news: what is life like now for the money god?

Quite a few of you have been asking me for the latest news concerning Big Herb. In fact, pestering me. All right, chill out! Here's the latest.

As we all know, Big Herb has become a god since his death. However, the afterlife is not all it's cracked up to be, not even for gods. I haven't been able to speak to Big Herb directly, but a very good source tells me he is absolutely bored with his life. Apparently, he just floats around in a nowhere land. There is nothing for him to do, and he misses the rough and tumble of the financial empire he left behind on earth.

I will say though, not everyone agrees with this view of Big Herb's new life. Chief priest in the cult of Big Herb, David Pitt, said to me, 'You're talking nonsense. Your source is a joker. I have actually spoken to Big Herb recently and I can report he is very happy with his life. I can assure you he is not floating around in some preposterous nowhere land. What is a nowhere land, anyway? I'm spitting blood over this. Big Herb is sitting on a throne made of solid gold, and drinking wine and eating grapes, and being waited on hand and foot. Not bad, eh? I would like to remind you that shortly after he died, Big Herb was a ghost for a while and was to be found haunting Scrutton Street in a wretched state. Now he's a god, for crying out loud. By no stretch of the imagination can you say he is bored with his life.'

Well, whatever. One thing's for sure, Big Herbism will continue to go from strength to strength as long as David Pitt has anything to do with it.

Thursday, 17 May 2007

Canary Wharf: the new reality

How many mystics are there in Canary Wharf in London's Docklands? Yes, we all know about the bankers. Canary Wharf is one of the biggest financial/banking areas in the world, but little is known about the other side of this famous place. I'm talking about the hidden side - the shamans, soothsayers, sages, money-fuelled zombies and even gods.

Mysticism has taken off in Canary Wharf in a way that would have shocked people only a few years ago. Merchant banks such as Dodger Coombes are employing money mystics - these peculiar people who can see how the markets will be in a month's time, and quite often a year's time. Their skills are invaluable. Tatum Jones from the Dodger Coombes prediction department says, 'We need mystics now. We can't compete without them. And we are also considering getting a few shamans in. I've heard the students at the Chaos College of Finance in the City are coming along in leaps and bounds. We hope to employ a few of them as soon as they get their diplomas.'

Where will it all end? The City of London also has its fair share of mystics, but until now financial centres overseas - such as Wall Street - have resisted. This could be changing. I recently reported that a statue of Big Herb the money god has been erected on Wall Street. They seem to like it over there. I believe within the next year banks and other financial businesses worldwide will be employing mystical workers as a matter of course. It makes sense. It is the way to go.

Saturday, 12 May 2007

Bankers worship new god

The cult of Big Herb is spreading beyond London and is now going global. Chief priest David Pitt says, 'It was only a matter of time. The world cannot resist Big Herb. He is conquering the minds and souls of bankers everywhere. There is even a statue of him on Wall Street.'

I only hope it doesn't get out of hand. Bankers finding a new god to worship is fine, but what if it interferes with business? I'm all for mysticism in the workplace, but there has to be a balance. We can't have bankers leaving their desks and popping down the temple every few minutes.

Tuesday, 8 May 2007

Psychic goes mental

Award-winning financial psychic Keith Busby has gone mental. His uncle Tommy Wright explains, 'The pressure became too much for him. Spirits were bothering him morning, noon and night. Now he's cracked up.'

Busby specializes in psychic financial services, but strangely not for the living - he helps the dead. The spirits who come to him are concerned about money in their bank accounts or problems with their wills. He's one of the good guys, so I hope he makes a full recovery very soon.

Monday, 7 May 2007

Make money while you sleep

Sounds impossible, doesn't it? Make money while you sleep? How do you do that? Easy. Using the Edmund Rawlings technique you can attract the ghosts of dead stockbrokers. They will visit you while you sleep and give you investment tips.

In my post of 5th March I told you all about Edmund Rawlings, but I did not reveal the steps he took to make it all possible. The funny thing is that Rawlings did not even realize he was laying himself open to these ghost attacks. It was a complete mystery to him, but not to me.

This is what you must do. When you go to bed always lie on your back with your mouth open, and think about money. Your face must not be covered by a sheet or a blanket because the ghosts enter through the mouth - your mouth must be clearly visible. This might be awkward, but the best time to fall asleep is between three and four in the morning. If you're lucky a ghost will attack you within fifteen minutes of falling asleep. Do not leave any lights on - ghosts hate lights. Easier said than done, but try not to be scared. Most ghosts are very friendly, so you haven't got much to worry about. If you're unfortunate enough to get a bad ghost just recite the Lord's prayer. That normally does the trick.

Well, that's it. I wish you all good luck. If you have any interesting experiences and want to tell me about them, send me an email.

Wednesday, 2 May 2007

Exchange Square: financial shamans put on a show

Last night at Exchange Square in the City of London financial shamans from the Chaos College of Finance put on a wonderful show. Speaking afterwards, Arthur Simmons - founder of the college - said, 'There was a full moon tonight which was just perfect for us. I don't think the City has ever seen anything like this.'

I have to admit it was amazing. Eight students from the college danced beneath the moon and prayed to Big Herb the money god - yes, since his death a little while ago Big Herb has indeed become a god.

Onlooker Claire Roberts was in awe, 'It was really brilliant, and I loved their costumes. I hope this sort of thing happens more often. The City needs fun events like this, although I understand there is a serious side to it as well.'