The British government is going to bail out the big British banks

When I started this blog over a year and a half ago I could never imagine that we would face such an evil day of utter shame and disaster. From tomorrow morning we will be living in a communist state. The government is going to buy around £50 billion worth of shares in Britain's biggest banks. I don't know what else to say. If I never post on this blog again it's because I've fucked off to the desert. I can't take it any more.

See you all tomorrow morning - maybe.

Dick Fuld: what could I have done differently?

Are you for real, Dick? You want to know what you could have done differently? Well, why didn't you offer yourself to Big Herb and Ganesh the elephant god? They were just waiting for your love, and they would have loved you back, and Lehman Brothers would still be in business today.

Dear reader, this is what happens when CEOs go bad. They like to think they are the masters of the universe. They ain't got no humility. But Big Herb and Ganesh are the only masters of the universe. (In financial terms, anyway. I don't want to get into the whole Jesus H. Christ thing if you don't mind. It's too early in the morning, and I've got a migraine.)

Dick, mate, you have to go into the desert now. I recommend you remain there for a number of years. And please: LET MONEY BURN IN YOUR HEART.

I'm as mad as hell and I'm not going to take this any more!

I will not get depressed. I will not give in. Neither will you, dear reader.

BUT WE MUST GET ANGRY!

THIS MUST STOP!

WE WILL TURN THIS AROUND! Or, as I said last week, we will rebuild after everything has been destroyed. Keep the faith.

Richard Brindle: a bigger universe of investors

Richard Brindle - the chief executive of the insurance group Lancashire - says: 'There is a bigger universe of investors out there. I know. I've seen it. On this earth, in a foul rite, I have seen a chicken's head cut off by a voodoo priestess. Agnes, that was her name - not the chicken, the priestess. But that chicken carried on strutting around. What did it tell me? It told me that the financial world was in a state of chaos. I knew that very moment that we must reach out beyond. Oh yes, beyond! We must reach out to investors in other realms. The astral plane! There are ghosts on the astral plane that are absolutely minted. We must get their money. We must coax it out of them. You know it makes sense.'

It makes sense all right, Richard. But it's easier said than done.

Citadel Investment Group to the rescue!

I was reading the newspaper this morning and came across this amazing story: Citadel Investment Group has rescued three proprietary traders from the wreckage of Lehman Brothers' European operations. Who are these guys? Let me tell you. Timothy Bryan Wilkinson, John Alexander Goodridge, and Alex Maddox. That's who.

Unfortunately, my newspaper was very short on details regarding the nature of this rescue, so I was straight on the phone to my contact at Citadel. He told me, 'I've never seen anything like it. In all my years, never. The state these guys were in. Poor Timothy. Never have I seen a man with his chakras so bent out of shape. Our financial shaman went to work on him in a flash. Talk about a mission of mercy, oh boy. And the other two? Jesus! It's touch-and-go. It really is. Poor John. His aura is bleeding all over the shop. This horrible, murky, brownish colour. We can't stem the bleeding. We don't know what to do with him. He's supposed to be joining our prop trading group. But he's no use to us in this condition. What did those Lehman bastards do to him? I wouldn't treat a dog like that. I've seen abandoned, starving donkeys with more going for them. And what about poor Alex? I'm not even going to tell you about poor Alex. You'll just have to use your imagination. I don't consider myself an emotional man, but I've seen another side of humanity now, a darker side, and I'm shaken. My doctor has put me on pills.'

The credit crunch, eh? When will the horror end?

Revere Capital Advisors: an interesting time

This is what I'm talking about. This is what I like to see. Three guys - all ex-Man Group - have started up a new firm that will invest in early stage hedge funds. Who are these guys? Let me tell you. Harvey McGrath, Daniel Barnett, and John Kinder. That's who. It's great to see people with the balls to start something like this. At a time like this. A time of despair and gnashing of teeth. Harvey has told a newspaper that it's 'an interesting time to be launching'. You can say that again.

It's an interesting time to be launching. Damn straight. But where are all the freakin' shamans, eh? That's what I want to know. Revere doesn't employ any. Not yet. These characters are searching for alpha. Or they want to back other characters who are searching for alpha. But whichever way you cut it, alpha is what everyone wants. Well, let me let you into a little secret: during an interesting time like this you ain't gonna get no friggin' alpha without no freakin' shamans. That, my friends, is the plain truth.

So, Harvey, Danny, Johnny, you know what you've got to do.

Bankaholic blog sells for $15 million

This blog - Bankaholic, has just been sold by its author for $15 million. It has a page rank of five. Money is the way has a page rank of six. Does this mean I will be driving around in a Bentley soon?

O Big Herb, let it happen!

Guy Wyser-Pratte blocks withdrawals from his hedge fund

What? Yeah, that's what I said. His clients want to get their money out of the Wyser-Pratte Eurovalue fund, but he's saying: No way, Jose. Or words to that effect. I'm not sure he has any clients by the name of Jose.

So what the hell is going on? I have been speaking to Wyser-Pratte. He told me, 'I've done a beautiful deal with a certain Mr Pickles. Yeah, call me crazy, whatever, I don't care. I split all my clients' money with him fifty-fifty. In return for his share, he offers protection. I've got the friggin' Prince of Darkness behind me! Mr Black Magic! Ain't no mutha can touch me now, boy! I got demons guarding me twenty-four seven. None of my clients will be able to get to me. Unless they are Jesus H. Christ himself, and I don't do no business with no religious freaks - so everything is kosher. I'm gonna buy me a great big yacht and sail away. What a wonderful life!'

Yeah, wonderful life. Until Jack gets his half share of your soul.

Moral hazard

We ain't got no morals. We don't want them.

The Nazarene threw the money-lenders out of the temple. We've been bad ever since. Like Leroy Brown.

We burn in the desert with our new god, and we are happy. Let the good times roll!

Olivant shares in UBS go missing

Talk about bad karma. I'm talking about Luqman Arnold. His investment company, Olivant, has misplaced £700 million worth of shares in UBS. Actually, it's the fault of Lehman Brothers. The shares were managed by Lehman, and now they have gone missing. I suspect skulduggery here. I suspect Jack Pickles here. And so does Mr Arnold.

I have been speaking to the hapless Mr Arnold. He told me, 'I want to know where my fucking shares are. Sure, I'm all broken up about Lehman Brothers, but if those motherfuckers have lost my money I'll swing for them. And 'lost' ain't the word. I reckon Jack Pickles has got them. He saw all the confusion at Lehman, and he just went in there and stole all my shares when no one was looking. That's what happened. Some newspaper quoted me today. Yeah. Saying: This is not a drama for us. I never said those words. This is a fucking drama. The Antichrist basically steals all your money, and you're not supposed to be upset? It's not supposed to be a drama? Fuckin' A it's a drama. I'm in pieces over here. Just my luck. What have I ever done to deserve this?'

Luqman, mate, calm down. I'll look into it.