The genie is out of the bottle, apparently

Okay, okay.

Yeah, it's a PR email from Jinksy. 'Oh, Christ. What is he going on about today, boss? A genie leaving a bottle, Voice. Or something.

Let's have a look!

May's ONS retail sales figures show that, against expectations, online sales continued to grab an even larger share of the overall retail market. The home delivery expert ParcelHero says that, despite many DIY and hardware stores reopening in March, shoppers were in no hurry to kick their new online shopping habit.

Oh, I see. Absolutely nothing to do with a genie. 'Ha! We would get more sense out of David Bowie with his Jean Genie.' Yes.

Why do we bother with this guy?

Anyway ...

Today's Office of National Statistics (ONS) retail sales estimates for May show e-commerce grabbing an even larger slice of overall retail sales. A huge 33.4% of everything we bought in May was ordered online, up from the previous record 30.8% in April.

Okay. Talk some sense to us, David ...

David Jinks MILT, is Head of Consumer Research for the home delivery expert ParcelHero. He says: "When all non-essential stores closed on Lockdown Monday, 23 March, retailers rubbed their magic lamps and wished that customers would move to online sales. That's exactly what Britain's consumers have done, but now store owners can't put the genie back in the bottle. A portion of High Street sales have been lost forever."

What?! 'Unbelievable!' Retailers haven't been rubbing their magic lamps. They don't have magic lamps. ‘Ha! He's a nut!' Jinksy's gone too far with his absurd fantasies this time. 'But, uh ... what about that occult/new age shop you used to go to?' Oh, you mean Mysteries in Monmouth Street? 'Yeah.' It's closed down now, Voice. 'Really? That's a shame.' It is. I mean, that's a shop that would have a magic lamp or two about the place, if it were still going. 'Why did it close then, boss?' Well, it's the modern world. I imagine the rent went through the roof and they couldn't sell enough tarot cards to cover it.

[Update: Good news! Mysteries has moved to another street nearby.]

Anyway, uh ... Jinksy's talking a lot of percentages now. 'Great.' Ah, that's enough. Life is too short.

ENDS

...

Anything else? Well, I'm using a hypnosis download to get and stay all positive and shit. For my music, like. I want those two new songs, man. Soon! Yes. I don't need them for the album. Oh, no! They can either go on the second album or ... they can be used for emergencies. 'Break glass in case of emergency, Mikey.' Exactly, Voice. I don't want to find myself in a position where people are putting pressure on me to have hits and I've got nothing to give them.

Listen! And Rain Came Down isn't my best song, but it's the sort of song that a lot of artists would build a twenty or thirty year career around. You know what I mean, reader(s), don't you? They have one big hit. It gets played on the radio forever. It's used in TV adverts or films. They get known as ... "The And Rain Came Down singer" or whatever. And when they're on their nostalgia tours all the fans wait for that one song and couldn't care less about anything else. That's what I mean.

So, two more songs like that. Behind glass. Plus all the other big songs I already have ...

If you ain't thinking big, kook(s), you ain't thinking at all. You dig? That's the lesson for today.

Oh, yesterday? I watched Stardust again. That film teaches you a lot. What to do, and what not to do.

What Not To Do

Don't wallow in self-pity
Don't do drugs
Don't cheat on your lovely French girlfriend
Don't let a manager control your career

What To Do

Be in control yourself
Become the biggest star in the world
Buy a castle

Laters!