HBOS takeover deal will fail

Yeah. Just been looking at the rune stones again.

The HBOS takeover deal will not happen. Its share price is being smashed this morning. No way can it go ahead now.

That's what the stones are telling me.

Interest rate cuts today?

I don't know. I don't know.

I am casting the rune stones. I am reading the tarot cards. I am conversing with the spirits of the dead. I am looking for answers.

Please bear with me.

There's something going on at 10 Downing Street today. A meeting with Gordon Brown, Alistair Darling, FSA, Bank of England ...

Something is ...

I don't know. If only I could get one of my ghost mates to spy on them. I'll look into it.

Cloud cuckoo land

I was listening to Michael Heseltine on the radio this morning. He says that we are living in uncertain times and that anyone who believes otherwise is living in cloud cuckoo land.

Well, no one has ever accused me of living in cloud cuckoo land, but I am certain of one thing: EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE ALL RIGHT.

How do I know this? Well, I have just spent half the night on the astral plane with Big Herb. We had a real heart-to-heart. And let me tell you, Big Herb feels your pain. The god was in tears at one point. I was in tears myself. A very emotional night. I didn't get to bed until about four in the morning.

O my children, my brothers, my sisters, WE ARE BEING TESTED.

We will get through this. A new world is being created. Yes, a new world where mystical capitalism will reign supreme. Big Herb told me. He said that the old world must die for the new one to be born. O my children, my brothers, my sisters, IT ALL MAKES SENSE NOW. I was blind, but now I can see. Everything must be destroyed. This is not a bad thing. Because everything will be rebuilt in the fire of Big Herb's holy love.

A quote from W.B. Yeats is in order!

All things fall and are built again

And those that build them again are gay.

I'm not too sure about the gay thing, but those lines were written in 1938. I think it had a different meaning back then. I wouldn't worry about it.

$700 billion bailout rejected

The House of Representatives has just rejected the $700 billion bailout. So what now? Who knows?

Today has been a very depressing day. The FTSE 100 fell by 270 points. Bank shares were down. Bradford & Bingley nationalized.

I am determined to find some good news for tomorrow. I'm going to be spending most of tonight on the astral plane. I will speak personally to Big Herb.

Hendrik du Toit: we don’t walk on water

Speak for yourself, mate. The chief executive of Investec Asset Management, Hendrik du Toit, has been telling anyone who will listen that asset managers don't walk on water. Well, how does he know?

I have been speaking to award-winning financial psychic Keith Busby. He told me, 'Hendrik doesn't have a clue. I've met loads of asset managers who can walk on water. They just don't go around telling all and sundry, that's all. What is this man trying to do? Obviously, there is a backlash against mystical capitalism going on at the moment, and people like Hendrik are coming out of the woodwork, desperate to let it be known that they are normal people. But it won't wash. Maybe Hendrik doesn't walk on water, but we should be asking him what he does do. Does he pray to Big Herb or Ganesh? Does he converse with the spirits of the dead? Has he ever danced naked in the desert with the fire of money in his eyes? I want answers to these questions. Come on, Hendrik, be honest. You owe it to your clients.'

Yes, Hendrik, you owe it to your clients. Let's hear what you've got to say.

Christophe Bernard: 10,000 hedge funds

I have been speaking to Christophe Bernard from UBP. Yes, I have. He told me, 'There are 10,000 hedge funds sitting on the wall, 10,000 hedge funds sitting on the wall, and if one hedge fund should accidentally fall, there'll be 9,999 hedge funds sitting on the wall.'

I don't know why I bother sometimes. I really don't. I wish I could get more sense out of these people. What was all that about?

But that's the credit crunch for you. A lot of people have become totally unhinged.

Dear reader, I have no idea what state of mind you're in. For all I know, you could be just like poor Christophe. Occasionally, readers email me or ask to be my friend on Facebook - and they all seem to be decent, upstanding members of society. But I'm worried about the silent ones. The ones who lurk on my blog. Christ knows what is going on in their minds. The credit crunch has damaged so many people. So many lost souls have been drawn to my blog. I guess I'll just have to live with it.

Colin Keogh leaving Close Brothers

Yeah. Sad times. The chief executive of Close Brothers, Colin Keogh, will probably leave within six months. He has been under pressure from shareholders to find a new strategy for the company.

A new strategy? Are these shareholder freaks out of their friggin' minds? What was wrong with the old strategy? Colin was the one who brought in all the financial shamans and money mystics. He was actually trying to change the bank, and prepare for a glorious future. The credit crunch is not his fault. And he is not to blame for all the takeover talks that came to nothing. The takeover talks failed because the gods were not consulted. And that was because certain squares at Close Brothers didn't even believe in the existence of the gods. How can anyone do business in such an environment?

Colin, mate, you're well out of it. Thank your lucky stars.

Jim Chanos speaks of the evil ones

Jim Chanos - a top short-selling hedge fund manager and the big man at Kynikos Associates - has been speaking of the evil ones. He told me, 'There is a great evil in the financial markets. Some of the firms that have failed did not tell the truth about the risks they were facing. They misled everyone. Why did they do it? Oh, they had darkness in their hearts! Evil-doers do evil things. We all know this. We all know that the serpent is waiting for us. We've seen the rune stones. Things can only get worse. There will come a time when fire will fill the sky, and Satan's dark angels, diabolical demons, will rise from the bowels of the earth and devour us! O people, repent! It's not too late. I will change as well. I won't short any more. O Jesus, please believe me. Have mercy on me. I SHALL SHORT NO MORE!!!'

People familiar with the situation have said that Mr Chanos has gone totally insane. A bit like that priest in The Omen. But I'm going to give him the benefit of the doubt. He didn't mention Jack Pickles when I spoke to him, but it's pretty obvious that Jim has had dealings with the man. That's what happens when you work with Jack. Dark fears enter your heart, your mind, your very soul. You can't sleep at night. You hear the screams of tormented traders. Shadows follow you. There is a terrible smell everywhere you go. Your teeth chatter for no reason. Your body can shake uncontrollably. You feel alone, even in a crowded room. Strange thoughts enter your head. Strange desires.

I could go on, but I won't. You understand, don’t you? IF YOU EVER MEET JACK AND HE OFFERS YOU A JOB OR A DEAL OR ANYTHING, YOU MUST SAY NO.

Worshipping the false god of money?

I have been speaking to Dr John. He told me, 'Such a night. It's such a night. Sweet confusion under the moonlight …'

Well, Christ knows what that was all about.

Then I spoke with David Pitt - chief priest in the cult of Big Herb. He told me, 'Worshipping the false god of money? Are these socialist muthas for real? There ain't nothing false about Big Herb. He's the money god we all look up to. He makes money burn for us. He will lead us out of the darkness. Do you believe? Michael, do you believe? Of course you do. Do your readers believe? Does money live in their dreams? Yes. Dr John should stick to music.'

Amen to that.

Rise above the risk

In the mountains, there you feel free.

Become a hermit. Surrounded by goats. A mountain cave. Thus spoke Zarathustra. I am a rock. I am an island. We all want confidence in an uncertain world.

Is the desert safe?

Let's head for the hills! The mountains!

Look into my heart! Put your hand in my heart. I will show you fear in a handful of dust.

Hoo ha ha
Hoo ha ha