Tuesday, 29 September 2009

Galia Velimukhametova: new GLG fund!

I'm still depressed about last night. So … let's just see how this goes, it goes, this goes, eh? Some bird by the name of Galia Velimukhametova is managing a new fund for GLG Partners that will invest in distressed debt ...

Wednesday, 23 September 2009

Charlemagne Capital: inflows again!

Charlemagne Capital is seeing inflows again. There were some outflows in the first six months of the year. To tell the truth, a lot of outflows. But now there are inflows again.

And this is how it goes. We all flow on the river of life. Lonely highway? No, I'm talking about the river. An astral river, by any chance, where consciousness flows? Are these the flows of which you speak? Yes. Yes. Yes. I am speaking of consciousness. I am speaking of money in consciousness. I am speaking of our consciousness with money. We are money. We are one with the river. River? Sea? Desert? Where will it end? In fact, where did it begin? It will never end. It never began. Always flowing, or swimming, or burning. Down the river. In the depths of the sea. In the sands of the desert. It does not matter. It does not matter. It does not matter. We do not need it to matter.

O Master, only a fool needs it to matter.

Yes, my child, you are correct.

Brewin Dolphin's Mike Lenhoff speaks of a double dip!

Yes, he does! Mike Lenhoff, who just happens to be the chief of all the strategists at the investment manager Brewin Dolphin, has told Reuters that he reckons there is a 25 per cent chance of a double dip. A double dip!

What does he mean? He reckons the markets should tread water! What does he mean? He has got it all wrong! A triple dip is guaranteed!

Astraddle on the dolphin's mire and blood, spirit after spirit! Yes! We have been here before, with dolphins in an astral sea. But not treading water! No! WE WERE SWIMMING AND BOBBING AND DIVING AND ALL KINDSA SHIT! AND NOW we must dive, dive, dive! Down to the depths of our astral sea. Oh, we are going down! All the way! Dip once! Dip twice! Three times a lady dolphin!


We can be dolphins too! WE CAN CHANGE OUR FORM! Yes! Shape-shifting motherfuckers!

O Master, it's a dolphin-torn, a gong-tormented sea, is what it is!

Fuckin' A!

BlackRock Global Investors!

Yeah, it's gonna happen! The EU has given its blessing. Not that any of us give a toss what those commie sons and daughters of bitches in the EU do or say. BlackRock will be able to buy Barclays Global Investors for $13.5 billion now - give or take a few pennies or cents, or is the price exactly $13.5 billion? The new combined company will be called Blackrock Global Investors. O Master, I think your readers will see the title of this post. They are not stupid, you know. THEY HAVE SEEN IT! No, they will see it. O my child, they have seen it. Whatever.

Where was I? BlackRock Global Investors! Yes. It will become the world's largest money manager. Tell them about the client funds. Okay. $2.8 trillion of client funds!!! That is amazing!

O Master, imagine if we could swim in all that money in the sands of the astral desert!

Do you mean swim in the sand, or the money?

I'm suggesting that all that cash could be mixed in with the sand. It would be an astral sand cash soup, and we would be in it!

Yeah! And would we set fire to it all, the cash and the sand?

O Master, of course we would.

O my child, you are a child after my own heart. And I think we should try. All we have to do now is persuade BlackRock to give us the money. What are our chances? Obviously, we will not burn the cash to ashes. Obviously, this will be the everlasting burning we are all familiar with in the astral desert of our dreams. It will be money that burns that burns that burns forever!

O Master, BlackRock will not let us keep the money forever. Unless …


O Master, does BlackRock employ any financial shamans or money mystics?

Not to my knowledge.

Well, then, let us steal the money! If BlackRock ain't got no shamans or mystics, it won't venture on to the astral plane after us, will it? It will have no choice but to write the money off.

What, $2.8 trillion?!

Stranger things have happened.

True, my child. Very true. But we shouldn't steal the money. That's the sort of thing that -

That Jack would do? And, of course, you wouldn't behave like Jack, would you? Perish the thought!

MCapital: when will we see it, this hedge fund launched into … ?

MCapital. Yes. The hedge fund that Mark Devonshire was going to launch. Launch where? Outer space? It was going to be launched. But it has been delayed! No seed capital! Words have drifted towards me, telling tales of $300 million of seed capital that never materialized. O Master, it never was! Silence! Let me concentrate. There must be some way I can help poor Mr Devonshire.

It is a distressed debt specialist fund, you see. Or it would be. It could be. If only … no. It wanted to focus on credit opportunities in Europe and Asia. Isn't that what we all want to do? Don't we all dream of that, lost in our endless night? O Mark, you have held discussions with AIG's Larch Lane, BlackRock, Blackstone, Paamco, Investcorp and Man Group, and still you wander life's lonely highway.

Stanley Chais: is he innocent?

So many people seem to have it in for Stanley Chais at the moment. Both the SEC and Jerry Brown - California's attorney-general - have filed lawsuits against him. They claim he has channelled hundreds of millions of dollars to Bernard Madoff. Over the years, of course, not now. He isn't pumping money into Mr Madoff's prison cell. That would be absurd.

But I wonder: is Mr Chais a patsy?

O Master, Mr Chais a Cornish pasty! What are you going on about?

A patsy! O my child, we all know that the world's most demonic financier, Jack Pickles, was involved in the Madoff Ponzi scheme. He was the real power behind the scenes - in the shadows! We know that Madoff was working for him. And yet there is no mention of Jack in the media. No one is interested in Jack.

O Master, everyone is interested in Jack, but they are scared of him. And he controls the media, remember. Just one phone call to Rupert Murdoch! That's all it takes. The evil Mr Pickles can kill any story.

Yes, and he can put an innocent man in the frame! I'm not saying Stanley Chais is innocent but … well, think about it.

O Master, I will.

We should all think about it.

Thursday, 17 September 2009

Protium Finance! Yes! Yes! Yes!

I'm not gonna pull any punches here. My dear friend, Bobby Diamond - probably my closest friend in the 'square' world of banking, though he ain't no square - is a fucking genius. And everyone in the media who is having a pop at him and Barclays at the moment is a rotten slag. That's the truth of it. Jealousy is a terrible thing. All these fucking journalists who have never made any fucking money in their lives have the gall to criticize Bobby - a man you could describe as the Mozart of investment banking. No wonder that goombah Lloyd Blankfein feels so threatened by him.

O Master, tell them about Protium.

Yeah. Barclays has created this new company, Protium Finance, and it's a killer! Basically, Barclays is going to sell more than $12 billion of risky credit assets to the firm. And can you dig this shit? - Protium will be managed by Stephen King! And Michael Keeley. Yeah, Mike's involved as well. I wasn't going to forget him. O Master, tell them about the management fees. Who the fuck is writing this post? GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER!!! O Master, who the fuck was that?! That was Big Herb, you twat! Now shut it and let me concentrate. Yeah. Management fees. Forty-five people are going to share management fees of $400 million. People? Yeah, people. I don't know who. But -


Bobby? O Big Herb, you want to know what Bobby says? Well, Bobby, take it away: 'Mikey, man, this was my idea. We got structured credit securities insured by monolines, residential mortgage-backed bonds, unpackaged mortgages. Christ knows what else we got, but we don't want any of it at Barclays. Let's get rid of them! You dig me, baby? The thing is, we can't risk any more writedowns. My original plan was to just dump all these assets on the lower levels of the astral plane. But then I remembered: Jack Pickles is down there with all his demons. Too fucking risky! Imagine it! Jack would go wild! So how did I think of Protium Finance? Man, I was floating in our astral desert - and I was a little stoned, I must admit - and the idea, the concept of Protium, flew into my mind, my soul, my heart, whatever. It's hard to explain. It felt as though a cosmic hurricane was raging inside of me. But there was fire as well. And this incredible light! The whitest, cleanest, most beautiful light all around me. And a voice! This voice -'


O Master, that was Big Herb! Big Herb spoke to Bobby. Acid flashback?

O my child, he is here with us now. Big Herb is here.

Yeah, I know. I was joking.

O Big Herb, god of money, say something to my readers, man.


Fucking brilliant!

Yeah. Brilliant. What a result for my blog!

Wednesday, 16 September 2009

Nexar hedge fund!

Bankers are leaving Societe Generale in droves! Why, O Master? Because they have started up their own hedge fund! Nexar! Can you dig it? O Master, this is so groovy. Fuckin' A! You see, they were sick, just sick, thinking about their bonuses being cut. Now they don't have to worry. Of course they don't. They can make all the money they want with their new hedge fund. Brilliant!

Yes. Arie Assayag is the chief executive, and get this - Eric Attias is the chief investment officer! Oh, not Eric - another one of your mates! O Master, how do you know all these people? I meet them in the desert of our dreams, silly. Yeah. Stupid question.

I have been speaking to Eric. This is what he told me: 'Michael, you know I despise communist scum. You know I will never allow anyone to take my money away from me. And the people at Aquiline Capital Partners feel the same way. They are bankrolling us - with burning money straight from the desert! This is going to be a mystical operation. The communists? They won't even be able to find us. How will these godless arseholes get their hands on our money if we are off floating in a world beyond their meagre experience, beyond their comprehension?'

Eric, you're the man!

GLG's Neil Edwards put in a straitjacket!

What the fuck?! What's going on? I have just read on the Reuters website that Neil Edwards, co-manager of the Japan Core Alpha Fund at GLG Partners, has been put into a straitjacket! Or I think that's what the article said. I just saw the word STAITJACKET, saw the name NEIL EDWARDS, and put two and two together because -

O Master, you know Neil, don't you?

O my child, he is a friend of mine. But he has always been unstable.

He's a crazy cat, yeah?

Oh, you wouldn't believe how crazy, if I told you.

Try me.

All right. This guy once told me that he was Ganesh the elephant god!

You're kidding?

No. I was speaking at some conference for financial shamans and money mystics. I happened to mention Ganesh in my speech, and Neil approached me afterwards and just blurted it out. I asked him where his trunk was, and he explained to me that it was only an astral trunk not visible in the physical world. I told him I had astral sight and that I couldn't see any trunk, astral or physical.

And what did he say then?

He accused me of being a charlatan. Said that any shaman worth his salt would see the trunk.

He sounds a right nutter!

Yeah. But despite that we became good friends. I just hope he hasn't got himself into any serious trouble this time.

Neil, mate, I'll pray for you. Probably give you a ring once things have settled down a bit.

Tuesday, 15 September 2009

City of London Investment Management: profits fall 41 per cent!

Oh dear. Is there some kind of karmic rebalancing shit going on? I recently wrote about Soros Fund Management and its assets going up by 41 per cent. Now this! City of London Investment Management finds its profits falling by 41 per cent. Spooky!

I have been speaking to award-winning financial psychic Keith Busby. I wanted to know what the significance of that number was. This is what he told me: 'Mikey, 41 is a powerful number, but also quite scary. Basically, it can make or break you. It can lift you up and literally put millions of pounds in your pocket. Or it can dash your hopes on the cruel rocks of cosmic fate. You are like a small, fragile boat on astral waves when you confront this number. Tossed here - watch out, it's the number four! Tossed there - oh, Lord have mercy, I see the angry number one! And combined? Oh, oh, oh! You dig? (Keith, mate, do you actually know anything about numerology?) Er - no, Michael. Sorry.'

What a wanker!

CVC Capital Partners: Bob Jenkins and Jim Sutcliffe - new advisers!

Yeah. Smart move. CVC Capital Partners has hired a couple of new senior advisers. Why is that a smart move? Well, because the firm has chosen two dear friends of mine: Bob Jenkins (ex-boss of F&C Asset Management) and Jim Sutcliffe (ex-boss of Old Mutual). Brilliant! Both of these guys are veterans of the astral plane and know the desert like they were born in it or something. (They weren't actually born in it, but you would be forgiven for thinking so.) Let's take a closer look at them -

Bob Jenkins: This 53-year-old American is one of the craziest cats you will ever meet burning it up in the desert or floating around on the astral plane like a little fairy. But don't be deceived. He is as hard as they come. A ferocious capitalist who takes no prisoners. This man will look you in the eye, dive deep into your soul, and - if you're lucky - leave a flame of cash flickering in your heart. That's his party piece. An amazing character!

Jim Sutcliffe: Also 53, this South African is a complex individual. On the surface, he can appear as cold as ice - as cold as any cold earth wanderer. But inside, this man is a volcano! A raging animal of pure passion and fire. He has been known to burn in the desert of our dreams for a week at a time without sleeping. Then he can return to the office, wearing a grey suit, and calmly and smoothly go about his business like a zombie. A paradox!

Monday, 14 September 2009

Why did Jamie MacLeod leave Skandia Investment Group?

That's what everyone wants to know. Why did Jamie leave? And where is he now? Mr MacLeod was the chief executive of Skandia Investment Group, but he left last week - in a mysterious way! Suddenly, without telling a soul.

O Master, my guess is we will never hear from him again. He's gone underground. He's done a runner, with all the money!

O my child, don't be so melodramatic. It's nothing like that. He has gone into the desert to find the cosmos within and without himself.

Oh. And I suppose he spake unto your mind, yeah?

O my child, what do you think? I get all the scoops, me.

THIS IS WHAT HE SAID, (I PICKED THIS SHIT UP WITH MY SUPER-CONSCIOUSNESS): 'O Mikey, O great one, Master of all the financial shamans, listen to my golden voice as I send it to you on the waves of the cosmos. I am in the desert. I had to get away. Good luck to Nils Bolmstrand. He will need it. But I am free now. Free to be myself, my true self, a greater self. More than human! I intend to forget all about fund management. I ain't never going back to that life. I have found something that tastes much sweeter - the mystic life! The love of Big Herb, the caresses of dead financiers, the wondrous trunk of Ganesh, the burning inside, the stars at night in the desert sky, and the stars in my head when I close my eyes! Yes! Yes! Yes! The cosmos is within me!'

O Master, Jamie has found the cosmos within him! That's pretty rare, isn't it?

Yeah. Beginner's luck.

By the way, Jamie doesn't seem to understand that fund management and the mystic life are not mutually exclusive, but never mind.

Friday, 11 September 2009

James Gorman to be new Morgan Stanley CEO!

Yes. John Mack doesn't want to be the chief executive of Morgan Stanley any more, so James Gorman will replace him.

Hopefully, this will be good for the future development of mystical capitalism at the bank. Mr Mack didn't bring enough financial shamans into Morgan Stanley for my liking. I don't know too much about Mr Gorman, but Arthur Simmons has told me that he has seen this character burning in the desert on more than one occasion. This could be the start of something very exciting.

Wednesday, 9 September 2009

Jonathan Powell, Ian Robertson, Dominic Yip, Sergio Pagani, Matthieu Robert …

… all these guys, and many more - seventy-two in total - THEY WANT THEIR FRIGGIN' BONUSES!!! They are suing Dresdner Kleinwort and its new owner Commerzbank. THEY WERE PAID JUST A TENTH OF THE BONUSES THEY WERE PROMISED!!!

Jonathan Powell wants £1.46 million. Ian Robertson wants £1,313,940. Dominic Yip wants £1,062,275. Sergio Pagani wants £944,268. Matthieu Robert wants £885,140 and a Curly Wurly. Christ knows what all the others want, but I am sure they deserve it.

O Big Herb, money god in the astral desert of our dreams, I call on you now: force Dresdner to do the right thing. The bank must pay these bonuses!

Tuesday, 8 September 2009

Stefano Marsaglia to Barclays Capital from Rothschild

Yes, it is a long journey in your mind when you travel from one bank to another. When you get the call on a dark, howling night - that's howling wind, my friends - from Bobby Diamond, as he tries to pull you away after seventeen years at Rothschild, and tries to lead you to the door of BarCap, where who knows what mystic delights await you. Oh, it can be terrible! Fear will enter your little mind - a mind too small for the wonders Bobby will implant. At such times, you must pray for expansion. I imagine Stefano fell to his knees and cried out: O Big Herb, I need more capacity. I cannot understand the ways of Bobby. Grant me a bigger mind, a greater soul, a sublime consciousness. Then I shall follow you and understand everything perfectly.

O Mr Marsaglia, you are going to be all right. You have been chosen. And consider this: not even Bobby knows all the secrets, all the ways. He is still a neophyte. So have no fear, and good luck in your new role at BarCap as chairman of global financial institutions.

Monday, 7 September 2009

Farley Thomas and ETFs

Right, let's get something straight. Farley Thomas is the head of wholesale distribution at HSBC Global Asset Management. That's great. I'm sure he knows all about exchange traded funds. I'm sure he dreams about them. But he doesn't know anything about mysticism.

He tells some newspaper what he believes. He believes ETFs are an important part of the asset manager's tool kit. Although he doesn't say which asset manager. O Master, does he have someone in mind? I don't know. He won't say. He believes that trust will play a part in HSBC's ambitious ETF plans. Oh, ambitious! It's always 'ambitious' with this sort. O my child, have you met this sort? Yes. I've met them. What's more, he believes that this is just the start of a much bigger explosive growth. Explosive? What, without the help of Big Herb, and Ganesh the elephant god, and the ghosts of the dead financiers? Is this guy for real?

You see, dear reader, even a disembodied voice on a blog such as this knows that you ain't gonna get no growth in the current climate and trust don't mean shit unless you have the support of Big Herb and Ganesh. And the ghosts of the dead financiers, and your good self, of course. Of course! My good self! Why hasn't Farley Thomas approached me? O Master, it is pure arrogance on his part. He needs to learn some humility. Let's burn him! To ashes! No, my child, we are not going to burn him - at least, not to ashes. WE ARE NOT LIKE THE SATANIC ONES. Like Jack Pickles and his dark angels. And his boss! Yes, Satan as well. No, we will not burn Mr Farley to ashes. But we will touch him with the fire of money. So it will be a burning of a certain kind, yeah? Yeah, but nothing too heavy. You know how we groove. We will just give him a taste of our love. Hopefully, he'll become addicted. Yes. And then we'll have him, own him. And we will show him how to really do business with these ETFs of his. Our way. The mystic way. Sounds great. Let's get to work!

Saturday, 5 September 2009

The grin without the cat

money moneyconcentration focusmoney goldgold banknotesnotes fever fever firefirefirefire juice juice ghostof ghostof of moneymonmoney mofos squares mofos squares City CityCityCity City CityCityCity painpain orgasmorgasm searchinglost searching lost lost deeper deeper deeper deeper deeper deeper hotterhotter hidden hidden beyond invisible

darker darker psychoticpsychotic sadisticfearsadisticfear fear free free joy joyjoy pleasure gods tears salvationsalvation salvation blood blood blooddancing blooddancing dancing dancing fire firedancing

this is the fucking grin without the fucking cat

Friday, 4 September 2009

David Kotz: five missed chances to catch Madoff!

SEC inspector general David Kotz said in a report that investigators investigated Bernard Madoff five times and five times they missed opportunities to get Madoff, to uncover his $65 billion investment fraud.


And I know why.

Jack Pickles?

You got it in one. Jack Pickles.

And is that it?

I'm tired, my child.

Tired of life?

No. Tired of trying to break through to the other side, all day long.

Just like Jim Morrison, eh?

Yeah. Just like Jim Morrison.

Are you going to get drunk now, just like Jim Morrison?

No. I think I'll have a lie down.

Simon Nixon: bankers only have themselves to blame

Simon Nixon is a journalist at the Wall Street Journal. But he is WRONG. Bankers do not only have themselves to blame. And that doesn't mean they can blame it on the boogie. It means they can blame it on their karma.

On their karma? O Master, you have gone too far now. I know all about karma, me. What have I ever done to deserve being a disembodied voice on this freakin' blog? Tell me that! Karma is bullshit! You make your own luck.

O my child, are you stoned or something? Sometimes you really are a loon, almost as bad as I am. You make your own luck? What's that got to do with the laws of karma?

If I'm as bad as you, I am you.

Simon Nixon has got it wrong. Bankers cannot control themselves. It is in their nature to award themselves massive pay packages. NATURE DICTATED TO THEM BY THE LAWS OF KARMA!!! They have been forced into this situation, where everyone hates them. If anything, they deserve our sympathy.

If it's all down to karma, they still have themselves to blame. Because of their past lives!


Yes they were!

It's been a long day. Let's forget it. I've got one more post to write about Madoff. Then I'm going to get drunk.


You may be wondering how far into the destruction of literature we will be going, to make something new, that no one will be able to get a grip on anyway, because it always slips away, as my mind slips, as the meaning of words … away, as structure dissolves.


Good question. You know despair brings you to this place. Emptiness is here. My heart is a desert. My consciousness is expanding, obviously; but I will be very surprised if it does me any good. But I refuse to be a fucking slave!

AND STILL I move on.

Jeroen Huysinga: recovery won't be a W shape

Jeroen Huysinga at JPMorgan says the recovery won't be a W.


But will it be a V?


It might be an L.


Whatever it will be, it will be. This has been written. Do not ask me where or by whom. Do you trust me?

It will be?


Cerberus Capital Management is banning withdrawals from new hedge funds!

Oh, that is out of order! And it's no way to do business. Banning withdrawals? Shocking! If investors want their money, let them have it. But no! Timothy Price (spokesman, managing director, cold earth wanderer) has said it's a three year lock-up. They ain't getting their money.

O O O my children, where is the love?

O O O! This is a bit over the top, isn't it?





SEC charges Michael J. Moore & Associates, but …

WHAT HAPPENS IN VEGAS STAYS IN VEGAS!!! I mean, that's the golden rule, isn't it? Michael Moore is a Las Vegas-based accountant - can't the SEC cut him a bit of slack? What's wrong with these people?

What is he charged with anyway? Issuing false audit reports, and hiring high school dropouts who had no experience in accounting. Well, these are not serious crimes, are they? Mr Moore ain't exactly Charles Manson, is he? There are worse things he could have done.

I have been speaking to Michael (I still am). This may get a little confusing: 'Michael, man, am I such a terrible person? All I did was try to help some kids down on their luck, give them a chance to earn a living - and how does society repay me? You got a raw deal, Michael, my friend. Didn't you tell the SEC about your trips into the desert, where you showed these kids the way? They wouldn’t listen, Michael. They don't care about all the good work I have done in the community. They don't know what it is like in Vegas. The desert is calling you all the time. They don't know the temptations. Michael, I'll bet you anything you like, they would also be neglecting their duties if they were in my position. Michael, all you care about is the burning, ain't it? Yes, Michael, the burning makes me forget. You must have been out of it half the time. Oh, I was, Michael. And the thing is, I know -

O Master, that's enough! You're taking the piss. Have a bit of consideration for your readers. Can't you use italics for one of the voices?

Whose voice? Michael's, or mine? And I'm using italics for you, my child.

Well, use bold then.

Who said that?

I did.

And the thing is, I know the SEC wants to believe, it wants to love. It just hasn't been given a chance - like those poor kids. I'm a fucking humanitarian, for Christ's sake! You dig me, Michael?

I dig you, man. But let's leave it there.

Thank fuck!

Banks and living wills

Should banks be forced to write "living wills", so that they can easily be closed down when it is time for them to shuffle off this mortal coil?

No! I am against it. And I'll tell you for why. Some people, lawyers mainly, have spoken of the great cost of doing this, but that is not why I'm against the idea. I think it would send out all the wrong signals. The banks would be telling the world and the cosmos that they are afraid to die and are actually expecting to die - soon. That is a very negative attitude. In A Hero of Our Time, Mikhail Lermontov wrote: 'If I die, I die. It will be small loss to the world, and I've had about enough of it myself. I'm like a man yawning at a ball who doesn't go home to bed because his carriage hasn't come. But when it arrives - farewell!' That is a much better attitude to have. We all know we are going to die one day, but I believe we should just accept it in a casual manner. If it happens, it happens. We do not need wills. And we do not need to invite death. It will find all of us in its own sweet time.

Richard Lambert: the City is all right

Now, Richard Lambert and I haven't always seen eye to eye, but I have to take my cap with the George Soros feather off to him today because he has come out and defended the City against that communist agitator Lord Turner.

The CBI director-general has said - Who are we talking about now? - Lambert is the director-general; he has said it is not the job of a regulator (Red Adair) to argue that a particular form of activity is or is not of social value.

Amen to that! O Master, I suppose Mr Lambert spake unto your mind, yeah?

As is his wont.

His what?

His wont.

Lewis Charles Securities: unauthorised trading!

It happens to the best of them. Lewis Charles Securities has been touched (yeah) by a loss from unauthorised trading. It happened at the end of July. But how much did the stockbroker lose?

I have been speaking to Stavros Loizou, chief executive of the firm, and he told me, 'Michael, you know I can't talk about the loss. You know I can't put a number on it for you. (Please, Stavros, mate.) Sorry, Michael. Let's talk about the love that burns forever. (I'm sick of talking about the love that burns forever. I suppose it all seems new and exciting to you, but I live this burning love shit 24/7. Sometimes I just wanna get all square, you dig? Talk about finance the way the grey people do, the ones with cold souls.) Oh man, you're putting me on! Mikey, I know you. I know you can't stop grooving, can't stop burning it up in the desert of our dreams, the desert that our ancestors established in the minds of mystics and shamans everywhere. Come on, Mikey, tell me about the burning love. (All right, Stavros, just because you're a dear friend, I'm gonna lay it on you.) Hit me, baby. (The burning love is a hunk of love in our minds - ask Andy Lynch at Schroders. It lifts us up. It rocks us on the water - ask Jackson Browne. It pushes us through the astral sky at a terrifying speed. It fills us. It covers us. Sticky banknotes have been known to burn into our faces when the love is really hot. That's why we groove. That's why we love to love - ask Tina Charles. WE ARE THE LORDS OF CASH WHO ARE LOST IN LOVE. It's burning money that loves us. And we love the burning money back.) Thank you, Michael. I'm welling up over here.'

Jon Moulton leaves Alchemy Partners!

You probably didn't hear it here first, but we are going to get to the heart of the matter and find out the 'real' truth. Who is this 'we'? WE IS EVERYONE, my child. We are the people. We are the cosmos. Damn straight.

Yeah, oh yeah, yeah. Mr Moulton has left Alchemy Partners and he has got bad vibes and evil words for everyone. He told investors in a letter: 'Alchemy is not what it once was'. HE WANTS THE PRIVATE EQUITY FIRM TO BE WOUND UP! That is outrageous! Yeah. What are we going to do about it? What are we going to do about it?


Is that wise? Alchemy may be in no fit state to cope with a team of fired-up financial shamans - all ready to rock, to screw with the heads of staff, to make them see the world, the financial situation, with new eyes. O Master, is this really wise?


What the fuck?! Where did you read that, man?

I didn't read it anywhere. I HEARD IT. I KNOW IT. He spoke to me, in my mind. A voice crying out: 'Mikey, give me your shamans! We need them, man. Bring the lads in.'

So that's why Jon has left!

That's the truth. Jon did not want to burn. He did not want the love inside him. Shame.

Wednesday, 2 September 2009

Soros Fund Management: assets up 41 per cent!

How about that, eh? While his rivals were losing assets, George Soros was getting more and more and more of them! His firm now has $24 billion in assets under management! That's a 41 per cent increase on last year! How has he done it? It's a mystery.

Er, no, it's not a mystery, actually, O Master. George has been burning in the desert.

No, my child, you are mistaken there. Mr Soros is a cold earth wanderer. He has never wandered in the burning desert, astral or any other kind. Money has never burned within him. It has always been cold, lifeless money with him. Square money, you could say. That's the way he grooves - if you can call it grooving. That's why I said it was a mystery.

I saw him only the other night.

Where, my child?

In the friggin' desert of our dreams! Come on, man, wake up. Don't you know that George is full of love now? He burns now.

Nonsense! You're deluded.


Jesus! Are you serious?

I'm as serious as a heart attack. Don't you remember he tried to get you to go to Davos?

Yeah, but that didn't mean anything.

Yes it did. It meant that he had an open mind about mystical capitalism. But he has grown since then. He has embraced the new reality.

Really? Well, I'll have to look into this. This could be quite a feather in my cap - and Big Herb's, of course. A new recruit!

O Master, does Big Herb have a cap? I've always considered him a trilby-wearing sort of god, myself.

Shut up.

Tuesday, 1 September 2009

Commerzbank is going to make a freakin' profit!

Yeah! You probably didn't hear it here first. But you are hearing it now with added mystical juice. With fire and shit! Yes! The German bank Commerzbank, Commerzzzzzzzzzzzzbank! Man, it needs those zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz! It does!

O Master, you are like some jazzed-up motherfucker. Riding those astral waves of financial news as they swirl around inside your head.

Fuckin' A!

And if the squares don't like it?


But what about Commerzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzbank, man?!

NEXT YEAR the bank will make some money! Yippee!

And the chief executive of this bank (I ain't doing the zzzzzzzzzzzzz again), Martin Blessing, has told some newspaper: 'I don't want to be over-optimistic. Germans are not known for singing and dancing on the table.'

But that's not what he told you, is it, boss? You got the real juicy shit.

Yes, I did. Martin spoke in my mind. This wasn't some telephone conversation. HE SPOKE IN MY MIND!!!

And what did the crazy cat say?

HE SPAKE UNTO ME: 'Mikey, I couldn't tell some newspaper I was going to be burning in the desert like some kinda mentalist mystic mutha who had lost all contact with 'normal' reality and spun off into a world where there is no loss, only profit. How could I tell them that, man?'

O Master, he couldn't tell them that!

Of course he couldn't.