Friday, 29 June 2007

Barclays Capital involved in mystical hedge fund

According to the Daily Mail City & Finance section today, Barclays owns 12.5 per cent of NyLon Capital LLP - a company alleged by a former employee to use astrologers.

Well, this is what I've been saying. Money mystics and financial shamans are working in banks now and there is absolutely nothing wrong with it. Why all the fuss? As I wrote in yesterday's post, these mystical workers will eventually replace conventional analysts and traders.

Thursday, 28 June 2007

The future of mystical banking

What is the future of mystical banking? Will financial shamans and money mystics be able to work alongside more traditional analysts and traders, or will they replace them?

Tatum Jones from merchant bank Dodger Coombes says, 'Here in Canary Wharf a lot of conventional analysts feel threatened by the presence of the money mystics recently employed by many banks. There is no need for them to worry though. These mystics just give us more options and another way of looking at the markets. Mysticism will not replace traditional banking methods.'

I'm not so sure about this. I feel Ms Jones is just trying to calm the fears of certain conservative characters in the banking world. The money mystics and financial shamans are generating massive profits for the banks, and - as we all know - money talks.

Arthur Simmons from the Chaos College of Finance says, 'The mystical way is the way of the future. Times change. The email replaced the fax. DVD replaced VHS. Shamans will replace analysts. And with their superior skills, it won't be long before shamans get more involved with actual trading. Prediction is only the start.'

Well, I know quite a few shamans involved in the trading side of things. They can make split-second decisions based on information given to them by their omnipotent contacts in the world of spirit. Truly, the mystical way is the way of the future. But who would have thought it? It seems strange that something as old as mysticism is now being put to such use in the modern world. What would the ancients have said?

Monday, 25 June 2007

Interview with Ganesh the elephant god (edited highlights)

Michael: Does it disturb you that you look like an elephant?

Ganesh: Not really. It's something you get used to. It makes me stand out from the crowd. Not many gods look like me.

Michael: You are the god of wealth and success. How has that worked out for you?

Ganesh: Well, I'm a god, aren't I? You can't get much more successful than that. As for my wealth, I would rather not talk about it, for tax reasons.

Michael: Millions of people pray to you every day. Does it help them?

Ganesh: You would have to ask them. I don't think it does them any harm. If you want to get rich there are worse gods you can go to.

Michael: What about Lakshmi?

Ganesh: I don't want to talk about her.

Michael: Are you rivals?

Ganesh: No comment.

Michael: What do you think of the money mystics and financial shamans?

Ganesh: I know they work in investment banks now. It's a smart move. Mysticism is becoming more serious, more commercial, and that can only be a good thing.

Michael: Do you know Big Herb?

Ganesh: Yes, he's a friend. We may work together soon on a new project, but I can't say much more than that at the moment.

Michael: Where do you see yourself, in say, a thousand years time?

Ganesh: Right now, my power base is in India. I would like to expand beyond that. I'm looking at America.

Friday, 22 June 2007

Do you have what it takes to be a money mystic?

A lot of people have been asking me lately if I think they have a chance of making it as a money mystic. They are attracted by the massive salaries now being paid by banks in the Square Mile and Canary Wharf, and they want to get involved.

This is very difficult because I don't want to give anyone false hope. I did not become the world's foremost financial shaman overnight. It took years of study and hard work. Also, I had natural ability. Do you ever hear the voices of spirits in the middle of the night, or even in the daytime? Do you see visions? Can you predict the future? Sure, all these skills can be developed, but you do need some degree of natural ability. It's not very egalitarian, but I'm afraid some people really are the chosen ones. I have never known any mystic attain their abilities through hard work alone.

So what if you do have a talent for mysticism, what then? There are two ways you can go. Enrol on a money mystic/financial shaman training course, or find your own way in isolation. I consider the latter to be the best option. That's how I did it. I lived in a cave for eight years. I was completely cut-off from the modern world, and all I had was a blanket and my mystical books. That's all you really need if you're serious.

Finally, please remember the life of the money mystic or financial shaman is about more than money. Making money is only the start of a process that will lead you to the world of the gods.

Monday, 18 June 2007

Blind Banker Jefferson: a short biography

Blind Banker Jefferson was born in Birmingham in 1960. He taught himself to play the guitar when he was only seven years old. A lot of people believe he sold his soul to the devil in return for his amazing talent. It is said he met the devil in the middle of a roundabout somewhere in Birmingham, and they did a deal. This story adds glamour to a somewhat boring life. The truth is, Jefferson's first love was banking. Before he could even speak he was sorting out all the coins and notes in his father's hardware shop. When he left school he got a job with a local bank as a lowly clerk. At the same time he was beginning to write blues songs - none of them any good.

His career progressed slowly until the mid-nineties when he got his big break at a merchant bank in Canary Wharf. Then his songwriting flourished. In a few short years he wrote such classics as Canada Square Trouble Blues, Baby's Got A Brand New Credit Card, Take Me To Threadneedle Street, and I'm Gonna Sell That Stock. Unfortunately, he was only able to record one album before his untimely death. The album - Blind Banker Jefferson Gets Blue - sold poorly at first, but has now sold over five million copies worldwide.

Mystery has always surrounded his death in 1998. No one really believes he had a heart attack. The main theory is that the devil claimed his soul. Some people say he was shot by the husband of an analyst he was having an affair with. It doesn't really matter. Blind Banker Jefferson is a legend, and his songs will remain popular as long as people are interested in music and banking.

Friday, 15 June 2007

Wall Street investment banks resist money mystics

It seems Wall Street is falling behind Canary Wharf and the City of London. Even though money mystics and shamans are firmly established in British banks, investment banks on Wall Street have been very slow to follow this new trend. Mark Howard from the Alternative Wall Street News explains, 'American banks don't trust these mystics - not yet. Yes, I know that a handful of American banks based in London have hired money mystics, but it's not happening on Wall Street. British banks such as Dodger Coombes are leading the way.'

I believe Wall Street investment banks will have to hire money mystics very soon. Otherwise Wall Street will suffer as a major financial centre. I recently reported that a statue of Big Herb has been erected on Wall Street. That is an encouraging sign, but the banks have to be bold now and take the next step.

Tatum Jones from Dodger Coombes says, 'I can understand why the American banks are nervous about this. If it all goes wrong they could lose hundreds of millions of dollars. We started off by only hiring one mystic, and built it up from there. That's what I suggest the American banks do. Just take it slowly.'

Brilliant advice from Tatum Jones. I urge all American bankers to consider what she says, act on it, and move on into the future. Sure, these money mystics may seem alien to American culture, but a year or two from now everyone will wonder what all the fuss was about. Mystical capitalism is the way forward.

Wednesday, 13 June 2007

City of London investment banks desperate for mystical workers

The hiring of money mystics and shamans in the Square Mile shows no sign of slowing down. Investment banks are becoming increasingly desperate to find the best mystical workers, or any mystical workers at all because there is a shortage.

Arthur Simmons from the Chaos College of Finance explains, 'Investment bank human resources departments are constantly on the phone to me. They want to know when our first crop of graduates will be ready to enter the workplace. Alas, not for a few months yet. Also, I have wannabe shamans pestering me. They want to get on our courses, but all the places are taken. I've never known anything like it.'

I knew this would happen. I knew that as soon as the banks witnessed the outstanding talent for prediction these mystical workers possess, the whole scene would explode - and it has. Presently, the majority of these workers are based in Canary Wharf, but the banks in that area are terrified of losing their staff to the Square Mile. Salaries for junior mystics have risen from £30,000 to about £70,000. Senior mystics can write their own ticket.

Where will this all end? I believe there is a real danger charlatans will take advantage of the situation and try to find work in the City. That would be an absolute disaster. A few rotten apples could destroy the reputation of the entire mystical prediction industry. I just hope investment banks have the right vetting procedures in place.

Tuesday, 12 June 2007

Options trading with Jack Pickles

This is how it works. Jack will give you £100,000 and then you have the following options:

Become Jack's slave. You must do everything he says for the rest of your life.

Give Jack your internal organs. He will sell them to the highest bidder.

Tell Jack your deepest fears. Sounds like the lightest option, but please note Jack is a total sicko and he will use this knowledge against you in the most evil way.

Monday, 11 June 2007

Make money on the astral plane

Forget about the internet and the stock market. If you want to make big money head straight for the astral plane.

As everyone knows, the astral plane is where all the spirits and thought-forms hang out. But how many people know there is a fortune to be made there? Er, there's me, and now you because I've just told you. So, at least two people then. But how long will it be before the astral plane is absolutely crawling with fortune hunters trying to make a quick buck? I predict it will be worse than the California Gold Rush. That's why we must act quickly. There is no time to lose.

This is what I suggest you do, and if it works out I will follow you if I feel up to it. Lie down in a darkened room where you know you won't be disturbed. Close your eyes and then imagine you are walking on a sandy beach. This beach is on the astral plane in your subconscious, apparently. Anyway, far off in the distance you can see an object, but you can't make out what it is. You run towards the object, and it turns out to be a treasure chest. You look around you, but you can't see any pirates - thank goodness. You lift the lid of the chest and look inside, and you find gold coins, diamonds, pearls, all kinds of shit.

Now open your eyes. The treasure chest should be lying next to you in the room. And I want 20 per cent of it, by the way.

Wednesday, 6 June 2007

City of London: the money ghosts

Most people believe the money ghosts that infest the City of London are nothing more than a myth. They are wrong. These ghosts do exist and they steal millions of pounds every year.

Susan Flint from Bad Moon Investments says, 'The ghosts steal from accounts, from share deals, and they even steal the loose change in bankers' pockets. It is a serious problem.' I believe it is a problem without a solution. From my research I have found out that these money ghosts are the ghosts of bank clerks and accounts clerks who in their lifetime were jealous of the far more successful bankers and traders whom they came into contact with. Not even exorcisms will help. The ghosts are so incredibly stubborn that there is absolutely no way they will leave the City of London until they get what they feel they deserve. And even if veteran ghosts finally do move on, I imagine younger and more aggressive ghosts will take their place.

Well, can anything be done about this? I'm not sure this is a solution, but maybe banks and financial businesses in the City can set up a special fund that will curb the worst excesses of the money ghosts. The ghosts will be allowed to draw money from the fund when it suits them. This idea was suggested to me by Arthur Simmons from the Chaos College of Finance. I suspect though it won't really have much of an impact. The fact is these money ghosts enjoy stealing, and they probably won't want to be seen as charity cases. I feel sorry for them in a way. It's a sad situation.

Monday, 4 June 2007

Futures trading with Jack Pickles

Would you like £100,000 in your hands right now? Well, sell your future to Jack Pickles and you can get it.

This is how it works. Jack will give you £100,000 and then in twenty years time he will claim everything that is in your life - your house, your wife, your kids, everything. Doesn't sound like a great deal, does it? But what if you're a total bum in twenty years time? What will he claim then? A pot noodle? A few cans of beer? Maybe an old broken toaster? So, that's the risk you take. It all depends on how successful you are later on in life. Personally, I would give this one a miss.

Sunday, 3 June 2007

Money in your dreams

Have you ever dreamt of an enormous pile of money and then woken up to find that money at the foot of your bed? No, me neither, but I know a man who has.

Richard Stickler has been dreaming of money for years and he has become incredibly rich in the process. He explains, 'It all started in December 2001. I had these really weird dreams where wads of money were dancing before my eyes. Every time I woke up the money was at the bottom of my bed. And it still goes on to this day. I must have made close to £7 million and it can be quite awkward trying to explain it to the taxman.' Fortunately, Malcolm Presswick from HM Revenue & Customs is very understanding, 'Mr Stickler is not unique. We know of a number of people who make their money this way. It's nothing to be ashamed of. They are not freaks. As long as they declare everything to us there's no problem.'

It makes you think though, doesn't it? How do you get these dreams? Do you have to be one of the chosen ones, or can you develop the ability to dream money into your life? I am of the opinion you can train your mind to do it. Using meditation before bedtime a close friend of mine has been able to conjure up 1p or 2p at a time. Yes, I know it's not much, but it shows it can be done. How Richard Stickler achieves it without any effort though will have to remain a mystery for the time being.