Wednesday, 31 March 2010

Guillaume Rambourg suspended by Gartmore!

Oh, Guillaume Rambourg has been suspended by his firm, Gartmore! But who/what is he? I will not speak for him. Let Guillaume speak for himself -

Guillaume Rambourg is the man with the astral eyes. He is the one who has seen the unknown. He brought it all home. Home is where the unknown is. Guillaume Rambourg has seen it. He lives in the unknown. I am Guillaume. And I am unknown. Yes, it's true. You could not look at a man such as I, and say: ‘This is someone I know.’ That could not be said. No one has ever said it. No one will ever say it. And so I travel down life’s lonely highway, alone, but not afraid. Guillaume has no fear! Yes, he is alone. Everyone has a cross to bear. I do not complain. I am happy. Guillaume is happy. He is here. Here now. You would touch him if you could see him. But you cannot see. And you do not know.

Thank you, Guillaume. Just one thing: I can see you, and so can a lot of my readers.

Astral eyes?

Yes. Of course. What do you think we are?

Thursday, 25 March 2010

Ben Anderson arrested by FSA/SOCA

Yes, another arrest. This time it is Ben Anderson, a private trader - or so they say. Not a toilet trader. He used to be a stockbroker. He owns 5.8 per cent of FuturaGene - whatever that is. And 4.5 per cent of Gold Oil as well.

I'm getting bored of all these arrests. That's seven now, isn’t it?

If any more people get arrested, they will be on their own. Even if they are personal friends of mine. I have more important things to do with my time than to spring to the defence of every trader or banker who gets in a spot of bother with the authorities.

For the record, Benny is a personal friend of mine, and I think he's all right. He is a veteran of the astral plane, and a true gent.

But let's leave it there. Enough already!

Wednesday, 24 March 2010

Graeme Shelley: "Taking some time off"

According to his employers, Novum Securities, Graeme Shelley is taking some time off.

Well, that's what I would do in his position. I would take some time off. Have a drink or two. Relax on the sofa. Maybe listen to an Elliott Smith album. Or Brian Eno's Apollo - very soothing. I wouldn't go tearing around the astral plane. I wouldn't pay any attention to the voices - all bona fide spirits, by the way - that I hear in my head. I would just let it all go. Let go.

Let it all go. Drift.

Yes. Yes. Yes. Let go.

You're almost gone now!


Martyn Dodgson and Clive Roberts: what do we know about them?

Right, Martyn Dodgson, a managing director at Deutsche Bank, and Clive Roberts, head of European sales trading at Exane BNP, were arrested yesterday by the FSA and SOCA. They are suspected of being involved in insider trading. But what do we really know about them?

Martyn Dodgson: A complicated man. A man you will be able to find on the astral plane - if you look hard enough; but he likes to keep a low profile. I have spent many nights with him, burning in the desert. When he is in the mood, he can just float away in a peyote fantasy. And he is hard to catch then. He will touch the sky. He will dance with the dead financiers. He will love and keep loving, burn and keep burning, until, thoroughly exhausted, he will collapse into the arms of Ganesh the elephant god. I like him.

Clive Roberts: A notorious cold earth wanderer. I have no idea why Martyn Dodgson and Julian Rifat wanted anything to do with him. I suppose he was useful to them in some way, but I really cannot imagine him cutting loose in the desert of our dreams, the mystical desert of our love. This man has never been burnt by money. His chakras have never whirled. God knows what condition his aura is in. Bizarre!

Tuesday, 23 March 2010

Julian Rifat is the Moore Capital trader arrested by the FSA

Arrested by the FSA?! All right, he wasn't arrested by the FSA. The police got him. But I suppose it is only a matter of time before the FSA gets the power of arrest. These lunatics are out of control! And they won't be happy until every banker and trader in the City is behind bars. They'll be on the astral plane next. I can see it happening.

But back to Julian Rifat. He is a personal friend of mine. I do not know whether he is guilty or innocent. I can tell you though that I have spent time in the desert of our love with Julian. I trust him. Big Herb trusts him. The ghosts of the dead financiers trust him. And -

O Master, the fact that you trust him isn't really going to inspire your readers with confidence, is it?

O my child, what are you trying to say?

Come on, boss. Everyone knows what goes on in the astral desert of our love.

Shut it!

UPDATE: I've just been searching on Google and I think the FSA does have some power of arrest. Jesus! It's worse than I thought.

O Master, SOCA probably put the cuffs on him.

Whatever. I don't know how it works. I'm a financial shaman. It's not my area.

Monday, 22 March 2010

Michael Castellano is retiring from Lazard

Mikey Castellano, chief financial officer at Lazard, will retire at the end of March - next year!

Next year? So why is it being announced now?

Well, because his replacement, Matthieu Bucaille, needs time to get to grips with financial shamanism. You see, Mikey Castellano is an accomplished shaman. Almost in my league. Almost. And Matthieu, well, there's no polite way of saying it: he knows fuck all about the shamanism game.

I have been speaking to Mikey, and this is what he said: 'Mikey, I've got to train the bastard up. (Matthieu?) Yeah. He's hopeless. Lazard really needs a financial shaman as its chief financial officer - especially in this climate - and Matthieu just doesn't cut it, I'm afraid. (So why is Lazard giving him the job, Mikey?) Mikey, I don't know. It's politics, isn't it? Obviously someone is mad about him. Someone thinks he's hot shit. But he doesn't know his aura from his asshole. So I'm stuck with him, for a whole year. (What a way to spend the last year of your career!) Tell me about it, Mikey. And Christ knows what he'll be like on the plane. The place is stuffed with amateurs as it is.'

Yes, I've noticed that. There have been a lot of day trippers on the astral plane lately. Spurred on by this blog of mine, no doubt.

Why is Colin Banfield leaving Nomura?

Why has Colin resigned? Everyone seems to be leaving Nomura at the moment. It's beyond a joke. For those of you who don't know and may not even care, Colin Banfield is/was Nomura's co-head of investment banking for Asia-Pacific. Now he's joining Citigroup - according to nutjobs familiar with the matter.

O Master, what nutjobs?

I don't know. They're all the same, aren't they? These mysterious people who lurk in the shadows, who seem to know everything about everyone in the world of finance and banking, and yet refuse to be named.

Let's shine a light on them!

O my child, I wish we could. I sincerely wish we could, but ...


I fear they may be under the protection of Jack Pickles.


Yes. I fear that may be the case. But back to Colin. Why is he leaving Nomura?

He was impressed by Siggi Stardust the other week.

Yes, that's the reason. Anything Siggi Thorkelsson can do, Colin Banfield can do.

O Master, can he suck up into his mind like a leper messiah?

Well, you'll have to ask him. But I should imagine that he imagines he can. Otherwise why take the risk of moving on to pastures new? The grass isn't always greener, you know.

Good point.

Alex Blankfein made $155,000 at Goldman Sachs last year!

That's nice, isn't it? It's nice to see Alex following in his infamous father's footsteps. Maybe one day he will get to be the don. Or maybe Jonathan will. See here.

O Master, it's a family affair!

Yes. And family is important. Where would I be without my desert children?

Steven Frieberg will become the new CEO at E*Trade

Oh, I'm so happy for him. I mean, he needed this. He was at Citigroup for thirty years or so! Yes, Steven Frieberg will start at E*Trade at the beginning of next month. I'm sure he’ll fit right in.

I have been speaking to Robert Druskin (the current CEO, just days to go!), and he told me: 'Michael, we are delighted to welcome Steve to lead E*Trade into its next phase of growth, into its future. (How do you see the firm's future, Bob?) Well, for E*Trade - and I'm still going to be chairman of the board - the future is going to be so bright we will have to wear astral shades. (Really? So you're no stranger to the astral plane, then?) Mike, I am as strange a stranger as you can get, but I'm no stranger to the astral plane. What did you say, one time? "You shall become strangers to those who know you." Remember that? (Yeah.) Let me tell you, Mike, that shit struck a chord with everyone at E*Trade. We all became strangers to those who knew us. And it worked a treat. That's why we're bouncing back now.'

Good luck to them.

Cenkos ain't buying JM Finn

Cenkos Securities won't be buying JM Finn after all. The price wasn't right. JM Finn wanted more!

O Master, they always want more, don't they?

It's human nature, my child.

It makes you wonder. How much is enough? I'm sure Cenkos was willing to pay a decent price for this investment manager. I could weep.

O my child, you are taking this very hard. Why are you so emotional today?

O Master, there is someone at Cenkos who is very dear to me.


That was a silly misunderstanding. He's a good man.


BNY Mellon Asset Servicing: who's helping you?

Investment operations? Oh, it's a tough job but somebody loves to do it.

Ask Ken Roehner. Ask Dean Handley. Ask David Claus. They'll tell you. For investment managers seeking a new approach to their investment operations, BNY Mellon Asset Servicing offers flexible cosmic mind-expanding solutions to help better manage risk and control costs.

Do you want to float on a burning astral cloud, with money in your mouth? You better speak to Ken. He loves to do that. And he'll make you more efficient.

Do you want to feel the sand beneath your feet as your chakras spin out, out, out! You better have a word with Dean. He loves all that. He'll make you more competitive.

Do you want to swim with astral dolphins, while your soul vibrates? David is your man! He can't get enough. And he'll improve your performance.

BNY Mellon Asset Servicing? Oh, they're out of sight!

Olivier de Givenchy: REJECTION!

Olivier de Givenchy is the head of JPMorgan's private banking operation in the UK. Apparently, he hired someone to talk to his team about rejection. I mean, they were in a dark place. And they had to know all about dealing with rejection. So whom did Olivier bring in?

Keith Busby! Yes, that's right, Keith. That freak has years of experience of rejection. I have been speaking to him. This is what Keith said: 'Mikey, Olivier and his gang at JPMorgan were in a dark place. 2005. Staff had left. Clients had left. They were facing disaster. Then they called me. (Fucking hell! Olivier must have been desperate.) Oh, he was. Think about it: who in their right mind would call me? Fortunately, Olivier was half insane at that point in time and he didn't care who came in to deal with the problem. (So what did you do, Keith?) What do you think I did? I went to work on their chakras and their auras. That's all I know. (But didn't you talk about rejection?) Mike, I tried telling them about my childhood. I tried telling them about Maggie. But they wouldn't listen. They were too wrapped up in their own misery. They were pretty cold towards me, I must admit. (They rejected you, Keith.) Yeah. Story of my life. But I fixed their auras and shit.'

Well, Keith must have got something right because Olivier de Givenchy and his crew are rocking right now.

Yvo van der Pol

How far will we wander in astral space today, with Yvo van der Pol? Where will he take us? He has joined Goldman Sachs Asset Management. Pepijn Heins leaves, and Yvo van der Pol joins! What are we to make of this? Is there a connection between these two souls?

If Pepijn is a sunflower in a garden of snakes, what is Yvo? And where will he take us?

I am an astral warrior. Yvo is a warrior! I will take you wherever you want to go. But you must look within. Pepijn is lost in that garden. He is lost in that sea. He is crying on those steps. And I took him to those places because -

Pepijn is free! He is not lost.

Pepijn is lost. He wanted to lose himself. And it was his destiny to lose himself.

How can he be in a garden and in a sea and on those steps all at the same time?

It is an astral mystery, for sure. I have no answer.

Oh, what are you, Yvo?

I am the sky. Yvo is the moon. Yvo is the sun. I am the air. I am the sea. Yvo is the garden. Yvo is the desert. Yvo is the city of flames. Yvo is the money. I am here.

Where will you take us?

Look within! I will take you there.

Fair enough.

Thursday, 18 March 2010

M. Mark McAdams and R. Dane Freeman: men of vision!

Men of vision! Warriors of the long astral night! And the SEC charges them?! What the fuck?! These guys should be given medals. See here. They promised investors a return of 4,900 per cent in just two months! Two months, for Christ's sake! And the SEC charges them?! These Global Holdings characters are lords of the holy cash!

O Master, what do the 'M' and the 'R' stand for?

Eh? What 'M'? What 'R'?

In their names, boss. Their names.

Oh. 'Magnificent' Mark McAdams. 'Radical' Dane Freeman.

Pretty impressive guys, then.

You better believe it, baby.

Death is in your money

I do not care how much you have. Death does not care how much you have. He lives in your money. Death is your money. Your money will not save you. Your death will not take you higher. Unless you learn something. Try to learn something. Open your eyes. Open your soul.

This is not a joke. This is not bland bourgeois satire. I am not being paid a fortune to write this. I do not have a comfortable life. I am in hell. But I will continue. This will go on until the very end. You must understand. I want you to understand.

I am serious. This is all I have. You cannot stop me. But Death will stop you. Think. Try to think. See. Try to see. I want to help you. I am often weak. But I try to be strong. I am often sad. But I try to be happy. I am searching - for all of us! It is not a selfish thing. I am concerned about you.

Death is here. Kiss him. Fuck him.

Monday, 15 March 2010

Pepijn Heins

Oh, Pepijn Heins has left Goldman Sachs Asset Management! He has joined Eaton Vance! And he has something to say -

I think we all know what Pierre-Henri Flamand is. But what is Pepijn Heins? Do you ever wonder what I am, what I have become? Pepijn Heins is a swimmer surrounded by sharks in a sea of nightmares. Pepijn is a sunflower in a garden of snakes. Pepijn is Jesus, wandering. He is the voice calling you from the attic. He is the gentle breeze caressing your face, while Pierre-Henri would tear your face off! Pepijn is a lamb. Pepijn is a dove. Pepijn is that ragged child you have seen sitting on the steps outside. He is a duvet. He is a pillow. You can fall asleep in his mind. He will let you in. Pepijn is a feather. He is a silk scarf. He is a sip of champagne. He is the fire in your lover's eyes. Pepijn is here - oh, I am with you now! Do not be afraid. I love you, whatever you are. Pepijn is love. He loves money. Money loves Pepijn. Pepijn has stuffed his nostrils full of astral sand. Red sand aflame! A nose of fire! And Pepijn is a mouth. Words burn him. Pepijn is a heart. Too much passion! He is righteous. He is pure. He is free. Pepijn is free.

Thank you, Pepijn.

Christian Littlewood and his wife charged by the FSA!

Yes, Christian Littlewood, a senior investment banker (Shore Capital, Dresdner Kleinwort - but all in the past!) has been charged by the FSA with thirteen counts of insider dealing. See the FSA's website!

But there seems to be some confusion over his wife's name. She has also been charged. But what is her name? Is it Angie Littlewood? Is it Siew Yoon Lew? Or is it Angie Lew?


O Master, no! Surely Jack isn't impersonating women now! He's not that ... versatile, is he?

It's Christian I feel sorry for.

Bloody hell!

Only joking! O my child, I had you going there.

Jack won't like this!

Let him sue me.

Friday, 12 March 2010

Bart McDade and Repo 105

Right, what's all this Lehman Brothers Repo 105 shit you're probably wondering? Am I right or am I right? Unless you think you know all about it. Well, you don't know shit. I'm the one who knows. I'm the one who has got his mystic head plugged into the astral plane - where all the information is.

Anton Valukas - he's the examiner for the bankruptcy court - has been looking into the Lehman affair and he has discovered some accounting bullshit cooked up by Lehman Brothers with the help of Ernst & Young that meant the bank was able to mask the size of its balance sheet. Bastards!

But it's Bart McDade I'm interested in.

O Master, who is Bart McDade?

O my child, Bart McDade was the Lehman executive/shaman who pumped everyone full of drugs!


I know. I know. It's crazy! And the thing is: I didn't know about Bart! Just found out. I had no idea Lehman had this guy - basically a madman, not even sure he's a real shaman - dosing his staff with this Repo 105.

Repo 105 is a drug?!

Yeah. That's what the man said. "Another drug we ran on." His exact words!

Another drug! What other drugs were they using?!

O my child, they were so confused. They were probably smoking tea bags at the very end. It was like the last days of Rome.



Wednesday, 10 March 2010

Why is James Overdahl leaving the SEC?

Yeah, he'll be leaving soon. End of this month. Shame. James Overdahl, chief economist at the US Securities and Exchange Commission, has had enough. He don't wanna be no chief economist no more. It's Jack Pickles, you see.

This is what Mr Overdahl told me late last night: 'Mikey, I can't do it any more. I just can't do it. (You sound really down, man.) Yeah, I am down, Mikey. Real down. We ain't ever gonna catch Jack Pickles. Mary thinks she can get him. But she ain't ever gonna get him. She's just wasting her time. Well, I ain't gonna waste my time no more. There's a better life, Mike. I want to float away. I'm heading for the desert. (That's great, James. Just one thing: you're not a SEC man now - or you won't be.) So? What do you mean? (Well, James, you'll see some things in the desert of our love that may upset you a little bit.) Really? (Oh yeah. We ain't regulated in the desert, man. You get me? We don't give a shit about no SEC or FSA. We do things our way. You dig?) Mike, are you saying that there is wrongdoing even in the desert of your love? (Wrongdoing?! I wouldn't call it wrongdoing, James. We do things our way.) You mean insider trading? (James, man, we do things our way. That's all I'm gonna say.) I thought you were one of the good guys, Mike. (I am a good guy. You know how Jack operates. I ain't nothing like that. I draw the line at murder and kidnap and blackmail and all the other shit he's involved in.) I'm still disappointed. (Does that mean you've changed your mind about the desert?) I'll have to think about it.'

Oh, he'll have to think about it! Ain't no SEC characters ever gonna make it in the desert. You've got to be open-minded. You've got to be cool - even when you're burning. And you've got to have a set of balls. We ain't fucking around.

Tuesday, 9 March 2010

Why has Siggi Thorkelsson resigned from Nomura?

That's what everyone wants to know. Why is Siggi Thorkelsson, head of equities in Asia for the Japanese bank, leaving? Is it because Rachid Bouzouba has been promoted to global co-head of equities?

No, that is not the reason.

O Master, Siggi can really burn, you know. With screwed up eyes and screwed down hairdo. Like some cat from Japan. Or something.

Yes, my child. That is the reason he is leaving. He thinks he has become the special man. Too good for Nomura. Too good for any kind of banking. He's taken it all too far, but, boy, can he glide on the plane.

O Master, he has been making love with his ego. It's only a matter of time before Siggi sucks up into his mind like a leper messiah.

Yes, that is a real danger. And he will no doubt start jiving us that we are voodoo.

Oh, he wouldn't do that!

Let's wait and see.

Monday, 8 March 2010

Sanjay Joshi has returned to London & Capital!

Oh, this is wonderful news! Sanjay Joshi has returned to his spiritual home, London & Capital. And as a senior portfolio manager! I'm so happy for him. For the last four years he has been managing a hedge fund for those F&C Asset Management nutjobs. But now he's back where he belongs!

I have been speaking to Sanjay, and this is what he spake unto me: 'Mikey, man, I'm back where I belong, in the collective bosom of the maddest mystic muthas this side of the astral desert. (Yeah? I know London & Capital has a bit of a reputation, but surely they're not that wild, Sanjay, man?) You wouldn't believe me if I told you. (Lay it on me, baby.) Okay, see if you can dig this. Do you know all the boys on the investment team? (Some. I met Craig Shute once, in the desert.) Mikey, he's an animal in the desert. An animal! (Is he? I mean, this was a few years ago.) Oh, he's changed a lot since then. They all have. Ashok Shah, Pau Morilla-Giner, Andreas Fischer, Neil Michael, Stephen Collins - lunatics for the burning, everyone one of them. (You sure about this, Sanjay?) Mike, trust me, these guys are out of control. One hit of peyote and they're floating off into a world of dreams. I'm talking every day. They love the astral plane. They can't leave it alone. They make Bobby D look like a cold earth wanderer. You know the Shadowlands, yeah? (Yeah.) Well, this is what I meant to tell you. Saturday night we burnt the place to fuck! Seriously! (The Shadowlands?!) Yes. (Sanjay, man, you're not supposed to be going to the Shadowlands. There's no burning there.) Saturday night there was. We burnt the place to fuck. (You stupid bastard!) What? (Sanjay, the Shadowlands are just one step away from hell, from the lower levels. You burn that joint and you're only gonna let Jack Pickles and his evil crew through to the higher levels. What the fuck did you think you were doing?) I didn't see no Jack Pickles! (Well, you wouldn't see him, would you? Who do you think you are - Big Herb? One of the dead financiers? You're a portfolio manager, Sanjay! That's all. Don't get ideas above your station.) I'm sorry, Mike. (I've got to sort this shit out now. I've got to go to the Shadowlands. See what fucking mess you've made.) I'm sorry, Mike. Listen, if Jack had gotten through, you would have found out about it by now. Come on, man. (I suppose so. I'm still pissed at you though.) Sorry, Mike. (All right. Don't worry about it. I shouldn't have lost my temper. How were you to know about the Shadowlands?) Thanks for being so understanding, Mike.'

Well, that's my day ruined. I might post again later on this afternoon or tonight, if I get back in time. What a fucking life! Who'd be a financial shaman, eh?

Monday, 1 March 2010

Philip Lawlor has gone to Smith & Williamson Investment Management

'His anarchic inability to support himself is experienced by his spirit as obedience. What seems to the careless observer a series of sordid collapses appears to his spirit as a series of ascetic exultations, in each of which some tiny filaments holding the personality to its past shell are separated. His obedience to the unconscious, even at the cost of physical suffering, is the right thing; it is the road of genius and of learning.' - Robert Bly on the hero of Knut Hamsun's novel Hunger

O Master, that could apply to you as well. Just one objection. Any pretentious dickhead can add literary quotes to his blog to make it look all sophisticated and cultured.

Yes, my child. That's why I seldom do it. I concentrate on creating literature, not on trying to impress people with the contents of my fucking book cabinet. But that aside, I have a good reason for quoting Bly. You see, Philip Lawlor is this sort of man. Oh, not another one like Mr Lombardi! Maybe, maybe. Phil has left Nomura International - he was never happy there - and he has joined Smith & Williamson Investment Management as an investment strategist. So what? O my child, Phil is a lost soul. Like myself, you could say. Like Anthony. He is on the road of genius and of learning. The road has taken him to Smith & Williamson. O Master, is this an astral road we're talking about? Well, yes, it's an astral road, a psychological road, a road that stretches for trillions of miles! Trillions?! Yes! It moves from our minds right out into the cosmos. Wow!

Yes. Wow!

Anthony Lombardi has gone to HedgeMark International

Oh, it came as a shock to us all. We never imagined that Anthony Lombardi would leave Rose & Sky Investments to join HedgeMark International. Oh, we never imagined he would become head of managed account operations, did we? No, we never imagined. Oh, we never imagined. No, we never imagined.

'Who is the third who walks always beside you?'

There is another voice, joining us today. Another mystic dancer from the burning plane!

O my child, he is shy. He rarely speaks. But he never imagined. Like us, he never imagined that Anthony Lombardi would leave Rose & Sky Investments to join HedgeMark International as a raging head - no, not a violent head - a raging head of unmanageable account operations flying through an astral sky What is the difference between a raging head and a violent head? like a ball of flame, shot in the eyeball, blood on a crystal skull, trickling into our mouths, taste the ecstasy of money at work! Suck the skull!

Oh, we never imagined!!!

O Master, we never imagined!!!

No, we never imagined. We never fucking imagined the joy and the pain of the times that would come, crushing the awful humanity that we had grown rather attached to. Those days are gone! The days of humanity. We must look forward to the season of the gods! We are already there. We are there. We are here. Picking up the scent of perfumed, smoky gods. I will have to become a god. That is the only option now.

Oh, we never imagined!!!

DO NOT LIE! You degenerate idiot! You must have imagined that. Haven't I hinted enough? You don't even need imagination for this one.

O Master, we just need your words, your visions! There is the truth.

Here is the truth. Imagine this: we lose our bodies, our bones, our skin, our Oh, I don't have a body. What will I lose? Shut your mouth, your ghostly fucking mouth! I am trying to teach you something. We lose it all. The ones who have it all. We lose it. Someone like Anthony. He could lose it. Doesn't he strike you as the sort of man who could lose it? Oh, yes. You could see him one night, alone, in the desert, beneath an evil moon. You could see him crying. Oh, he has had enough! He wants to let go. He wants to lose it all. And we will help him lose it all. We could take it all. We could take him down. Yes, we could do that. We could do it. Actually, I think we will. We will take it all.

O Master, do you sometimes worry that you have gone too far?

O my child, what use would it be now, going back to the cold reality that I used to know? How would I fit in? They would consider me a freak. They would put me in a cage. They would tell me that I had gone too far. That my experiments with consciousness had led to insanity. No, I cannot return to the world of cold men, cold women. They are strangers to me, as I am a stranger to them. This is my destiny. The astral plane is my home.

For eternity!

Yes! Yes! Yes!