Friday, 27 July 2007

How much is your soul worth?

A big question. How much is your soul worth? Most people don't know, but now there is a way of calculating exactly the value of your soul.

Keith Busby explains, 'For a small fee, I will calculate the value of your soul and write a short report for you. This is very important. People with expensive souls have a better chance of getting to heaven. People with cheap souls quite often go the other way. In fact, there are some souls so worthless that not even the devil will consider buying them. These souls are normally given away free to minor demons lurking on the lower levels of the astral plane. It's a serious problem, but there is a solution. I am the solution. For another fee, a slightly larger one, I will study various mystical charts in my possession and find a way of increasing your soul's value. You'll probably end up in heaven sitting on a cloud right next to Jesus or some other religious figure of your choice. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity, mainly because I'm easily bored and I won't want to keep doing this. Actually, my agent says, never mind. It's personal.'

Keith has had a troubled time lately, but don't let that put you off. I highly recommend him. He is a first-class financial psychic. He's won awards, you know.

Wednesday, 25 July 2007

Man Group needs mystical help

It has been reported that hedge fund giant Man Group may be taken over soon by Goldman Sachs.

As far as I know, Man Group has not employed any financial shamans or money mystics yet. Banks, hedge funds, and all kinds of financial businesses need to learn what mysticism can do for them. A good mystic would be able to tell Man Group where the next threat is coming from, and how to deal with it.

Tatum Jones from merchant bank Dodger Coombes says, 'We use money mystics, but the businesses that don't use them are getting left behind. They should wake up and smell the coffee.'

Thursday, 19 July 2007

The Lords of Fenchurch Street

A lot of people have been complaining to me lately about the Lords of Fenchurch Street. They want to know who they are and how to make them stop doing what they're doing.

The Lords of Fenchurch Street are a sinister bunch of nutters who operate out of Fenchurch Street (funnily enough) in the City of London. I'm afraid I don't know any of them personally, but I have a friend who has a friend who is a member. I spoke to him yesterday and he had this to say, 'Don't mess with the Lords of Fenchurch Street. Don't write about them in your blog. Don't even think about them, or they will come to you in the middle of the night and really fuck your shit up. These are serious guys.'

Apologies for the bad language - my friend is a rather vulgar character. Anyway, I've been doing my research and I can't even find out what these lords get up to. How can they be stopped if no one knows for sure what they are involved in? It is rumoured that they are bankers in the City. Some people say they are a gang of corrupt lawyers. Other people say they are financial satanists - the very worst kind of capitalists. I pray to God that's not true.

I'm totally at a loss here. If anyone knows anything about them, feel free to contact me on the astral plane. I'm there most days and it means we can have a face-to-face chat. I'm very discreet and I won't publish your name in any future posts.

Monday, 16 July 2007

A new title for the world's foremost financial shaman

As most of you probably know I am the new money king. There has been a vacancy since Big Herb passed over to the other side and was promoted to the status of money god. It is only an honorary title and I haven't been given any new powers - I don't need any, frankly - but it just shows the respect my peers have for me.

Susan Flint from Bad Moon Investments said to me, 'I voted for you because you're the most powerful shaman around. You are an icon now for financial shamans and money mystics worldwide. Congratulations.'

I only hope I don't let anyone down. As the new money king, every word I write from now on will probably be taken as gospel. It's a heavy responsibility.

Friday, 13 July 2007

I am the money king

I am the money king. I can do anything. I dream of money and it appears before my eyes. The ghosts of dead bankers are my friends. I dance for money and it falls from the sky. Gold, gold, gold, I eat gold.

I am the money king. I can do anything. The smell of money sends me into a trance. I dance, I dance, I dance. The moon is a silver coin. The stars are diamonds that are laughter to my heart.

Friday, 6 July 2007

Keith Busby gets new agent

Award-winning financial psychic Keith Busby has got a new agent - the notorious Trevor Hall. Wrong move. Just ask the Loch Ness monster.

It wasn't long ago Keith had a nervous breakdown. I don't want to see him being exploited by a lowlife like Hall. Mr Hall says, 'Keith has got to get back to work. He can't mope around the house all day. There are thousands of spirits that need his help, and there is money to be made.'

I suppose Keith is old enough and big enough to look after himself, but he has a lot of friends - and we'll all go looking for Trevor Hall if anything goes wrong. That's a promise.

Wednesday, 4 July 2007

How to cope with the stresses of City life

It has been reported that workers in the City of London are so stressed out these days that they are turning to drink, drugs and sex to relieve the pressure. I can now report they are also turning to crystal mind blasting.

Crystal mind blasting is the bizarre new workplace craze where a stressed-out worker lies on the floor of their office with a crystal sellotaped to their forehead. They then get a colleague to blast the crystal with thoughts from their mind (well, where else?) This person must send positive thoughts to the crystal. The crystal heats up, and the worker's brain drains the heat from the crystal and goes totally haywire. The worker then jumps up and runs around the office in a complete frenzy - often screaming hysterically. Afterwards, the worker feels refreshed and ready to carry on working.

Kate Duffy from ABN Amro says, 'I highly recommend crystal mind blasting. I do it all the time and it has changed me as a person. A colleague of mine, Dexter Boomer, had a terrible experience recently with a money vampire, but after trying crystal mind blasting he forgot all his troubles and moved on with his life.'

Tuesday, 3 July 2007

The money vampires

It gets worse. The money ghosts were bad enough, but now it seems the City of London has also become infested with money vampires - hellish creatures that just suck the money out of people's pockets. When will the horror end?

Dexter Boomer, who works at ABN Amro, was standing at the bar in a City pub having a quiet drink when he suddenly felt a strange sensation on his leg. He said, 'I looked down and was flabbergasted to see this bloody vampire. My trousers were torn to shreds and this awful thing had my wallet in its mouth. Before I could do anything, it just flew out of an open window. I lost over £200 in cash. I cancelled my credit cards, of course. You really don't expect this sort of thing in a modern financial centre. What the hell is going on?'

Fortunately, there is a solution to this one. Money vampires are very easy to deal with. If you find yourself being attacked like Mr Boomer, all you've got to do is stab the vampire through the heart with a top of the range fountain pen. Don't ask me why. Alternatively, you can throw coins at it. Unlike money ghosts, money vampires absolutely despise loose change.

Monday, 2 July 2007

The new breed of capitalists

This last year capitalism and mysticism have merged in a way that few people thought possible. There are not many people involved in business now who go to work in the morning without first visiting their local money temple to pray to Big Herb or some other god of their choice.

Susan Flint from Bad Moon Investments recently said to me, 'A lot of it is down to you, Michael. The new capitalism has really taken off in the last couple of months because of your wonderful blog. Business people aren't ashamed any more to say they use tarot cards and crystal balls, or the services of a money mystic. You are opening up new possibilities.'

Kind words from Susan, but I was responding to the prevailing atmosphere. I started this blog because I realized there was a real hunger in the business world for financial news and opinions that mainstream organizations like Reuters and Bloomberg were just not providing. And I'm not going away. This is a revolution.