Friday, 31 August 2007

Canary Wharf Zombie Club

We've all heard of the world-famous Finsbury Square Zombie Club, but now bankers in Canary Wharf are starting up their own club. Tatum Jones explains, 'We will meet every lunchtime. We won't be a threat to the Finsbury Square lot. People working in Canary Wharf can't really spare the time to travel all the way over to Finsbury Square, so it makes sense to establish something here. It's going to be great.'

Dougie Smith, club secretary of the Finsbury Square Zombie Club, welcomes this new development in zombie affairs, 'This is absolutely brilliant news. Our club was founded in 1872 and it's a part of banking history, but there is certainly a need for a club in Canary Wharf as well. Hopefully, the two clubs will be able to work together in promoting zombie culture.'

One question: will there ever be a zombie club on Wall Street? The Americans should get their act together.

Wednesday, 29 August 2007

HSBC scraps interest-free overdrafts for students

Thousands of students are threatening to leave HSBC because of the bank's decision to scrap interest-free overdrafts; and the National Union of Students is planning a protest outside HSBC's headquarters in Canary Wharf next week. Well, this is just typical of students, isn't it? If only these godless communists would get to grips with the concept of mystical capitalism, then all their troubles would melt away.

O you bankers of HSBC, in your tower at Canary Wharf, do not fear the wrath of the mob. Pull up the drawbridge and prepare your cauldrons of boiling oil. Fortune favours the brave! Interest-free overdrafts are an abomination!

Monday, 27 August 2007

Edward Cahill goes missing

It has been reported that City trader Edward Cahill has quit his job at Barclays Capital and gone missing. Hopefully, he's okay, but it just shows what pressure City workers are under these days.

I recently wrote about crystal mind blasting - the latest City craze that stressed-out workers are indulging in. Well, some people are taking it even further. A close friend of mine who works at Deutsche Bank told me, 'Some of my colleagues are now pushing these crystals up their noses. It's very dangerous. I know someone who suffered brain damage after a crystal went up too far. But some people are desperate. It's the long hours we work.'

The problem is, most City workers just aren't spiritual enough. They need to find a balance in their lives, and they definitely need to read my blog on a regular basis. I'm trying to help people here.

Thursday, 23 August 2007

Deranged bankers in the City of London

O bankers, with your wallets stuffed full of cash, with your mouths full of champagne, will you bow down and pray to Big Herb? He will help you to become ill. To reach the unknown you must become deranged. To fund your lavish lifestyles you must plunge into the abyss of the stock market. For it is written.

Would one treacle skeleton make you happy? Or do you need two? How much is enough? Do not give in to feelings of guilt. Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the law! See the clouds gather over Threadneedle Street. There is gold in them clouds!

There will come a time when all the money ghosts are driven from the City. Do not fear! Money vampires? They are harmless. But look into your heart. Guard against the loss of spiritual fortunes that wrestle with the pain of debt and the loneliness of poverty. Beware the cold nights when money dances in your dreams - out of reach! Out of reach, but oh so close! Touch it! Touch the money. Breathe this money. Money will burn you, and you will learn to love the burning. You men and women from UBS, from Merrill Lynch, from ABN Amro, from Goldman Sachs, from Deutsche Bank, from - oh, from wherever, feel the burning. Love the burning! This is your salvation. If you cannot love this burning, who can?

Listen to me, for I know the truth. You must become deranged. Shave your heads, slash yourselves with knives, do anything that seems insane to the normal souls around you. Money loves those who have no fear. Take the pain! You will become a magnet for all the riches of the world. Out of your derangement you will find a new strength. Gold will glitter in your eyes, and your minds will swim through a sea of cash. O bankers, I speak the truth. Let this truth burn you.

Monday, 20 August 2007

Jack Pickles: master of money

I recently wrote about those sinister nutjobs the Lords of Fenchurch Street. Well, I've been doing a bit of investigating and I have discovered that Jack Pickles is their master of money - meaning he controls their finances and even bankrolls some of their activities.

I spoke to Nicky Pickles on Saturday - Jack's younger brother - and he said, 'I'm disgusted with Jack, and I'm going to break off all relations with him now. Yes, I'm disowning my brother. He has always flirted with the dark side, but this is too much. I'm shocked.'

I have tried to get a statement from Jack Pickles, but he won't speak to me. The Lords of Fenchurch Street will not be at all happy that his cover is blown. No one knows who the other lords are, but I'm determined to find out. I will expose all of them here in this blog. Watch this space.

Friday, 17 August 2007

A prayer

A lot of you have been emailing me, complaining about Big Herb. Don't panic. Be patient. The markets will be okay in the long run.

I think we should all pray to Big Herb.

O Big Herb, lead us from the darkness to the light. Protect our investments, and help us hold on to our savings. Show us the beautiful money that flowers in your heart, and we shall worship you until our dying breath. Lead us not into poverty, protect us from debt, and make sure we have enough cash to pay for all the little luxuries that make life bearable. You are the greatest of the money gods, and will live forever and ever somewhere beyond the reach of the taxman. Amen.

Monday, 13 August 2007

Markets in turmoil

Stock markets around the world have been in turmoil for the last few days, but I wouldn't worry about it. Amazingly, I managed to speak to Big Herb last night - for the first time since he passed away - and he said, 'I've looked into it and everything is going to be okay.'

Thank Christ for that. When a money god like Big Herb speaks, the world listens. His pronouncement will surely calm the nerves of traders and analysts everywhere.

Monday, 6 August 2007

Money is fire in the head

Money is fire in the head! Financial shamans and money mystics and zombies and gods and ghosts, rejoice! The saviour is here! I shall cleanse you. I shall lead you out of slavery to the fields of glory where gold coins float in the crimson sky. Come to me, my people. Let me wash away your sins. The joy of money will live in the hearts of those who cross to the other side with spiritual fortunes grown in their flesh! The joy of money is a burning. O Jesus, where are you now? O Buddha, where are you now? Who can you save, with your poverty?

Behold the new prophet who appears before you with a fistful of dollars! I am here to lift you up. I want to wipe away your tears. Money is fire in the head! Don't you know that's the truth? Has there ever been a greater truth? And I revealed it! I lived in a cave for many years, I gazed at the stars, I chanted beneath the moon, I looked inside myself. What did I see? I saw a river of money flowing from the mountain of cash, I saw shamans dancing, I saw bankers tearing off their clothes and running through the City of London - their souls were on fire! Their minds were burning! Like me, they had the vision. They had the power. They saw sunshine crystal diamond riches hovering in the breeze.

I returned to the City with a new resolve. This would be a revolution! I would change everything! I would breathe the new vision and share it with everyone. I preached, I sang, I danced, I chanted. Money is fire in the head! When will you learn? When will you live it every second you're alive?

Wednesday, 1 August 2007

The seventh curse of Magnus

Ye shalle lose all thy moneye, and falle into a pit of fyre.