Looking into the future with Jeff Immelt

Jeff Immelt says: 'How are you going to feel in five years time, if it is the same as it is today, if it is exactly as it is today? Five years! Or a hundred years! We should embrace the current uncertainty. It's going to be the same, for ever! Uncertainty, that is. I'm certain. In the year 2525, if man is still alive, the government will still be living next door. In the year 4545, you ain't gonna need your teeth. Yes, I have that on good authority. You won't need them. How will you feel then? How will you eat? Peyote? Oh, don't get me started. Mysticism, you see. Sure, mysticism is coming! It is the way. Just ask Mikey. He'll tell you. He'll tell you it is already here. It never really went away. But will it be the same, the same as today? Or will all this mystic stuff change, in tune with the cosmos, as it were? Only time will tell. And time will tell - you better believe it, baby! In the year 5555, your legs will have nothing to do. Probably a machine will take care of things for you. But to hell with it! We have got to embrace change, embrace uncertainty. Yes! Embrace the man or woman next to you, and go on to the astral plane - embrace spirits and ghosts or whatever! No one is going to judge you. No one is going to say: Man, that cat is crazy! He's gone in the head, boy! And even if they do, so what? You've got to be confident with yourself. To hell with it! I'm a man! You're a man, or maybe a woman - who knows? But be proud! To hell with it! Embrace yourself. Embrace the cosmos. In the year 9595, well, let's not go there, eh? I think we're getting ahead of ourselves, don't you? Will it be the same? Who knows? Who cares? Just embrace it.'

Yeah, thanks for that, Jeff.

Imara Asset Management: Zimbabwe Value fund!

It has just been brought to my attention by some nutjobs that there is some crazy firm called Imara Asset Management that has a fund called the Zimbabwe Value fund! Yes, it's true. These crazy cats are going to invest in Zimbabwe! You know, gold, diamonds, shit like that. Well, I admire them. I really do. These guys are living on the edge, man.

O Master, isn't it a bit risky?

O my child, as I said, they are living on the edge. You got a problem with that?

Well …

Jesus H. Christ! Let me tell you about risky, my child. Risky, man, risky is going on to the astral plane without a white sheet or shades. That's risky! I put my life on the line every day.

No one's asking you to do that though, are they?

Eh?

It was your choice, Master. Everyone told you it was dangerous. You knew that Jack Pickles would take advantage of the situation and try to attack you.

But he hasn't attacked me.

Not yet.

You worry too much, my child. That's your problem. Nietzsche said we should build our homes on the sides of volcanoes. Live dangerously!

And you live in West London, don't you?

So?

Well, how many fucking volcanoes have you got in West London? I know Maurice lives in Acton. There's a hill there. Acton Hill. I remember the Acton Hill cafe. That's gone now. But there is no fucking volcano!

Nietzsche wasn't speaking literally, you prick! And watch your attitude with me.

What do you mean?

You know what I mean. For fuck's sake! I was in a good mood this morning.

£$

O …

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OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO …

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO …

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO …

Note: I don't know what this post means. It came to me in a vision this morning. I guess I'm trying to go beyond words, and this is it - or maybe not. I don't know what the fuck is going on. I've been really confused and depressed this week. I'll try and be back on Monday with a normal service.

Emptiness is my gift to you …

Would you prefer cash? Or gold? Or a few words of advice?

I give you emptiness. Inside. Inner space.

Is there an ache, a longing, or nothing?

I keep talking, keep writing, keep posting, but where is the silence?

Listen!

O Master, I hear nothing.

O my child, what do you feel?

Nothing.

Perfect!

Words is all I got, man

Sometimes I put a video on. Like those cool Easybeats. Sometimes a picture. Just like Bobby Diamond. But, man, all I really got is words. Just my words. And I live or die by those words, even though they make me sick sometimes.

But there must be a way to break through the words. I know there is something beautiful on the other side. I'm reaching, but I cannot touch. The pain is fucking with my head. I want to transcend this shit, man. I want to go beyond.

Thomson Reuters: the end of think

This is the end, beautiful friend. This is the end of think. I don't wanna think no more. We don't wanna think no more. We don't want the pain. But Reuters says this is the beginning of know. Well, I've got news for Reuters: I don't wanna know no more. We don't wanna know no more. We are sick of thinking, sick of knowing. Intellect makes us ill. Knowledge makes us ill. We are confused. Surely, we just want to burn now. Not thinking, and not knowing. Just fucking burning.

Markets are watching. That's what they say. Markets are watching. Well, fuck the markets, man! I HAVE HAD ENOUGH! There is more to life than the markets.

We need to find a way, beyond the pain of existence. I don't know about you, but I am tormented. Yeah, you're tormented too. Words, words, words - they give me the fucking nausea! Can't we just exist without words, without knowledge? Let us lie down in the desert sand, or rest our weary heads on the City pavement. Let us sleep. Drift away to an astral world. Experience something else. A different life. WHERE WE CAN BE FREE! Please tell me you want to be free. Jesus H. Christ, don't you want to be free? Do you just want to be a fucking slave forever? What the fuck is wrong with you? I AM GETTING ANGRY NOW. You still don't understand, do you? I'M TRYING TO SHOW YOU THE WAY OUT OF SLAVERY.

Lloyd Blankfein is on my case now

So, Mr Blankfein calls me late last night:

'Michael, we gotta talk. (Okay, Lloyd. What you want to talk about?) That friend of yours, this fucking punk, who's trying to muscle in on our operation. (You mean Bobby?) Yeah. Bobby. Bobby Diamond. (I straightened him out already. You didn't hear?) I hear a lot of things, Mikey. I heard you and Bobby are real close. Practically holding hands on the friggin' astral plane. It don't look good. (Don't worry about it, Lloyd.) Because you know, if you can't handle the situation, I'll have to send someone over. (Who?) Viniar. (Jesus, Lloyd. Viniar is a fucking animal. Don't you think you're overreacting a little bit?) Well, take care of the situation. (I have, Lloyd. I told Bobby he ain't got no business making BarCap the biggest investment bank in the world. And he listened. He's a good kid. He respects you, Lloyd.) He doesn't respect anyone. He's making me look bad in front of certain people. You tell him I don't care how colourful he thinks he is. He messes with us again, he'll be gone. (He understands that, Lloyd.) So, how are you, Mike? (I'm good.) Still doing the peyote? (No, I'm off that shit now, Lloyd.) I'm glad to hear it. We can't use you if you're all fucked up. (I know that, Lloyd.) Give my love to the ghosts.'

Well, it's all sorted, hopefully. And I gave his love to the ghosts.

Bobby Diamond: taking over the motherf**king world!

Has Bobby Diamond got delusions of grandeur? He wants Barclays Capital to be the premier global investment bank. Bigger than Goldman Sachs! Bigger than JPMorgan!

Well, I said to Bobby: 'Bobby, man, you know I love you to death. I know you're trying, man. You're trying to be all mystical and shit. And I respect you for it. But you ain't gonna be bigger than Goldman Sachs. I won't allow it, for one thing. Goldman pays me a hell of a lot of money. Yeah, it's like a protection racket. And you think I'm gonna let a bum like you take over, eh? No disrespect. Yeah, we're friends. Yeah, I'm showing you the way of the shaman. But don't push it, Bobby. My loyalty is to the Goldman crew first. There's big money at stake. You understand big money, don't you, Bob? I can't let them down. God help me, if I have to choose, you or them - it's gonna be them. I will have to take you down. So don't put me in that position, Bobby. I'm begging you, Bob. Don't make me fuck you up. Because I will. I'll be totally ruthless.'

Anyway, I think Bob got the idea. In the end, he could see where I was coming from.

By the way, my chat with Bob has been heavily edited. I don't think it's right that I should tell you, dear reader, what Mr Diamond said to me. He was in tears, he was very emotional, and it's in no one's interest for him to be humiliated. I love that fucking kid.

Andrew King, Michael McFall, Andrew Rimmington and the FSA (again!)

Yes, the Untouchables have been at it again, cleaning up the City! These characters are better than Batman and Robin. Now, I normally have harsh words for the FSA, because it seems to have a penchant for busting all my mates. Notably traders at Morgan Stanley. But today is different. Today, the Financial Services Authority went after known associates of the world's most demonic financier. Yes, Jack Pickles.

So, what have these guys been charged with? Well, Andrew King is/was Neutec Pharma plc's finance director. The FSA reckons he passed on information to lawyer Michael McFall. Mick then passed on information to Andrew Rimmington (another lawyer). Then they all bought some shares in Neutec Pharma. Or something like that. Insider trading! That's basically what we're talking about here. Or so the FSA claims. But the guys could be innocent. This all has to go to trial.

So, where does Jack Pickles come into the picture? Beats me! I was just jerking your chain. Jack doesn't fuck around with chump change. Admit it, dear reader, I had you fooled there for a moment.

Nicola Horlick and Bramdean Alternatives

I ain't been following this story too closely, so I don't really know what's going on. Don't really care, to be honest with you. The sun is shining today. Lovely weather. I don't want to be posting this shit, when I could be outside, walking in the park, stuffing a Cornetto in my face. A mint one, probably.

Top Deck shandy. Why in the name of Christ can't you buy Top Deck shandy any more? I remember holidays in Selsey when I was but a child. They couldn't keep me off the shandy. Cider and lemonade was my favourite. And Shandy Bass, of course. You can still buy that.

And what about Space Dust?! Oh man, I loved Space Dust. The way it would crackle in your mouth. Happy days!