Thursday, 9 April 2009

Christopher LaFemina: bleeding cash

Right, what is all this bleeding cash shit? You may well ask, dear reader. You may well ask. Apparently, Christopher LaFemina, an analyst at Barclays Capital, has said that De Beers is 'bleeding cash', or something like that. I think. I couldn't quite understand what he was going on about when he phoned me late last night. Check this:

'Mikey, oh thank fuck I managed to reach you, there is cash bleeding all over the shop at De Beers. Blood everywhere, man. Blood in their eyes, coming out of their mouths, with cash in it! The cash is mixed in with the blood, and just pouring out! (Chris, mate, slow down. You're not making any sense.) It's Jack. Jack is behind this. A demonic vision of blood and cash from the bowels of hell! And I am the only one who can see it! Do you know what this means, man? (Tell me.) It means Satan has plans for me, man. Why would I be chosen to see this vision? (So it's just a vision? There's no bleeding cash at De Beers?) No, man, it's real. The vision is real. There is bleeding cash, but only I can see it.'

Don't ask me, dear reader.

But anyway, I have been speaking to Keith Busby about 'bleeding cash'. This is what he told me: 'Well, we all know what burning cash is. We all know about the mystical burning of cash. The demonic bleeding of cash though, well, that's a different ball game altogether. (Yeah?) Oh yeah, Mike. What has happened to poor Chris is, he has seen a vision of cash bleeding out of the mouths of De Beers personnel. (So there's no blood, just cash?) No, no, no, if I understand right, Chris has said that the cash and blood are all mixed up. So there is blood. Blood and cash, bleeding, from mouths, eyes, noses, even ears - I should imagine. (So it's really happening then?) Well, yeah, in a vision. (What the fuck do you mean, Keith?) It's not physically happening. You can't see it in the physical world, but on the astral plane they're fucked. (Who are?) The De Beers people! They are bleeding cash on the astral plane. Probably on the lowest level. The demonic level. (Oh. So this is Jack Pickles fucking around again, is it?) Well, who else, Michael, eh? (That guy's a fucking prick. I'm sick to death of this guy.) You me and both. But what can we do? (I'm gonna fucking do him. I'm gonna get a fucking crew together and just do him in. He's a dead man.) Oh, come on, Mike. It won't be as easy as that. What about Satan? (Listen, Keith, fuck Satan, all right. Fuck him and all the dark angels he has with him. Fuck 'em all! I'm sick of this shit. I'm trying to run a fucking blog here. I've got the credit crunch to deal with. I've got bankers, dead and alive, pestering me at all hours of the day and night. I'm at breaking point.) Michael, take a few days off, man. You've been overdoing it.'

Well, dear reader, I don't know what I'm going to do. I probably do need a few days off. I’m not feeling my normal self. I'll be back next Tuesday. Have a nice Easter.