Thursday, 29 January 2009

I ain't going to no friggin' Davos, man

Fuck 'em. I ain't going. Well, they wanted me to go. Oh Michael, you've got to come. It will be such a gas. We want you to give a speech. We want to hear what you have to say. And I was like - 'If you punk ass bitches want to hear what I have to say, read my blog. I ain't going to no Switzerland, man.' Fuck those cuckoo clock motherfuckers!

But then George Soros phoned me. 'Michael, please come to Davos. We need you, man.'

I put the phone down. Fuck him in the ear. Fuck him in the other ear. I ain't going.

Then Bob Diamond phoned me. 'Mikey, you ain't going, are you? I told them to do one.'

Fuck 'em.

Wednesday, 28 January 2009

Langbar International: Jack Pickles says he is not involved

Well, that son of a bitch Jack Pickles has just phoned me on my mobile. He says he's not involved. The fraud, I mean. Spanish police have arrested six men today. Something to do with a $600 million fraud on the London stock market. Something to do with Langbar International. Details are a bit sketchy. But why is Jack phoning me? Get this -

Hi, Mikey, it's Jack. (Don't call me Mikey. I ain't your fucking friend.) All right, chill out, man. I'm just phoning to tell you I'm not involved in the fraud with Langbar. (Of course you're not.) I'm not. Don't be all suspicious, Mikey. I'm sorry, Mr Fowke. (Don't be all suspicious? Are you having a laugh? I know you, remember?) Oh yes, you know me. You know me as well as you know yourself. You know me too well. But do your readers know how well you know me, eh? Do they know the truth? Look in the fucking mirror, man.

Dear reader, Jack is just shit stirring. Don't worry about it.

Hedge fund managers: an opaque bunch of spivs?

No, no, no. I'm not having this. Hedge fund managers are not 'an opaque bunch of spivs', as one Liberal Democrat MP called them yesterday. Hedge fund managers are beautiful people. Maybe the only true capitalists we have left.

O hedge fund managers, may you burn with money in the desert of your dreams! You are my mystical children. And I love you, even if no one else does. Well, no one in 'square' society. But Big Herb loves you. Ganesh loves you. The ghosts of the dead financiers love you.

When you die, O my dreamy hedge fund managers, where will you go? Will you go to hell with the communists? Will you suffer on the lower levels of the astral plane? No, my children, you will live and burn on the higher levels! And do not fear the burning! It is not a hellish burning, the sort of burning that comes to MPs, BBC reporters or union officials. No, it is a heavenly burning. A burning of money that never ceases. You must believe in this burning. Never give in to the communists! Or I will disown you. I shall scream at you: Yesterday my morning of light, now my night of endless darkness! O hedgies, don't make me use those words.

Oh yes, when you die, if you are rich enough, the ghosts of the dead financiers will welcome you with cold, ghostly arms. You could become one of them! Yes, become a dead financier. Live forever! O my beautiful children, my brothers, my sisters, my men and women of the big money, you will live forever!

This money, this big money, they call it obscene. The sick ones. The evil ones. The envious ones. The shallow ones. The self-righteous ones. They call it obscene. But they are obscene. We spit on them. Let's throw them into the pit! And beautiful ones, when you are the dead ones, the desert masters, the astral lords of all the cash, you shall haunt them. Yes! Torment them! Make them suffer for not loving the money. For not burning.

Burning, burning, burning …

O my children, there is a voice.

O Master, what does the voice say?

O my children, there is a way.

O Master, where is the way?

O my children, there is a reason.

O Master, what is the reason?

O my children, there is a meaning.

O Master, what is the meaning?

Yes. Yes. Yes. The voice is in my head. A desert voice. An old voice. Speaking of the way. Speaking of the reason. Showing me the meaning. The truth. The truth is a burning for me, and for you. Yes. O my children …

BURN! BURN! BURN!

Tuesday, 27 January 2009

F&C Asset Management: 6 per cent rise in assets under management!

That's the good news.

The bad news is: it's raining in my heart.

I’m feeling pretty depressed today.

Monday, 26 January 2009

David Swensen: Wall Street pay has been obscene

That's what the man says. Who, O Master? David Swensen, of course. He is the chief investment officer of Yale University's endowment. But I beg to differ. I really beg to differ.

I'll tell you what obscene is.

Obscene is … communists trying to steal our money, mentalists building wind farms everywhere, corrupt politicians preaching to us while living off us, Jack Pickles, Satan; and a general lack of respect for the desert ones, the mystical children.

O Master, what can be done?

We must turn our backs on the fools.

Will we retreat to the desert to live there forever?

It's a possibility.

Oh. Well, it's something to think about.

It certainly is.

Van Eck Global: Market Vectors Indonesia Index ETF

Wow! Van Eck Global has brought out a Market Vectors Indonesia Index ETF. But I knew months ago that this would happen.

Bob Diamond phoned me earlier this morning, and he said, 'Michael, you must be some kind of godlike character. I remember you telling me months ago that Van Eck Global would bring out a Market Vectors Indonesia Index ETF. And now it has happened! How do you do it? Is it because you're so close to Big Herb and Ganesh the elephant god? Or did one of the ghosts of the dead financiers whisper something in your ear one cold, moonless night? (Why moonless, Bob? Never mind. I suppose you have your reasons.) Were you wandering in the desert when you heard a voice that seemed to come out of nowhere and yet was all around you? Did the cosmos vibrate for you, and maybe those vibrations put something in your head, like a vision, maybe? (Are you for real?) O Master, you are the greatest! You are everything to me! I would follow you to the end of the world, the end of the universe, the end of time!'

All right, Bob, I admire your enthusiasm, but please, people are going to be reading this and they might not understand.

Friday, 23 January 2009

Frits Seegers: he borrowed against his shares!

So what? There are worse things he could have done. Mr Seegers - a top executive at Barclays - borrowed money to fund a £952,000 share purchase, with his stake in Barclays as collateral. So what?

I have been speaking to Susan Flint from Bad Moon Investments, and she said, 'So what? There are worse things he could have done. He could have sold his soul to the devil. He could have done a business deal with the demonic financier Jack Pickles. He could have gone to one of Keith Busby's ludicrous mystical healing workshops. (Oh, Susan, leave Keith alone. He's all right.) Keith's a tosser, and you know it. But back to Frits. He could have insulted Ganesh the elephant god by harping on about his appearance. (Yeah, Ganesh doesn't like anyone taking the piss. Although I think he looks really cool. I love that big elephant, man.) Michael, don't call me 'man'. I am not one of your weed-smoking hippie friends. But back to Frits. He could have cut himself off from the world, and given in to despair. He could have chosen a lonely road. And he could have blinded himself. (Really?) Yes. To a wild tune, he could have pierced his eyeballs time and time again, till bloody tears ran down his beard - (Does he have a beard?) - not drops, but in full spate a whole cascade descending in drenching cataracts of scarlet rain. Yes, Michael, there are worse things he could have done.'

Fuckin' A! Susan. Fuckin' A!

Thursday, 22 January 2009

John Thain has left Bank of America!

Yeah. Resigned? Sacked? Apparently, Ken Lewis - the chief executive of BofA - didn't want him around any more. I'm shocked. Or maybe not.

This is what Ken told me on the phone about half an hour ago: 'Mikey, we had to let him go. We wanted someone mystical like Bob Diamond, and for a short time we thought John was the man for us. Unfortunately, it didn't work out. The fact that John was a Red Indian chief in a past life is great, but in this life, well, what can I say, he ain't no mystic. Do you know what I mean? I thought he was going to lead us into the desert. I thought he was going to burn with money for us. But it wasn't to be. By the way, Michael, are you available?'

No, no, no. I'm fine as I am. I'm not working for Bank of America. Sorry, Ken.

Philip Richards: he ain't no chief investment officer no more, man

I bet you're wondering, aren't you? I bet you're wondering what's going on with Philip Richards at RAB Capital. Four months ago he stepped down as chief executive of the firm, and yesterday he decided he don't wanna be no chief investment officer no more, man. It was his decision. And he's staying with RAB. So what's going on?

I have been speaking to a friend of mine at RAB Capital - I can't name him - and he told me, 'Mikey, you won't believe this. Phil has got religion. He's got it bad. I mean, mystical capitalism. He ain't no Jesus freak, so don't worry. He's a Big Herb freak. And it's so bad, he can't concentrate on his work. The desert is all he thinks about. He wants to burn in the desert. He wants to love in the desert. He wants to fall on his knees in the desert while the ghosts of the dead financiers dance all around him. Charles Kirwan-Taylor is the new CIO. But get this: Phil has been reading your blog - that's what did his head in, and now Charlie boy is reading it, and everyone is worried, man. Everyone thinks Charles will go the same way. The desert way. The way of money in the desert. The way of the shaman. Your way, Mikey. People are saying it's your way or the highway. And they don't like it, man.'

Fucking hell. Everyone at RAB Capital should just chill out. Philip Richards is doing the right thing. And if he's reading my blog, Charles Kirwan-Taylor is doing the right thing. My way is the way of the future. And you are either with me or against me. Pick a side! The revolution is coming, my children. IT IS COMING!

Wednesday, 21 January 2009

Pendragon Capital is moving its hedge fund over to GLG Partners

Yeah. Pendragon is quite a small hedge fund, and this move makes sense. This is a bad time to be a small hedge fund. Investors do not want to take any risks.

I have been speaking to Arthur Simmons about the move, and he said, 'I'm concerned about this deal. Will they be going into the desert to bless the deal in a mystical ceremony? I'm talking about Kaveh Sheibani and Manny Roman. We all know these are difficult times, and I really think that Big Herb, Ganesh the elephant god, and the ghosts of the dead financiers should all be involved - just to make sure everything runs smoothly. Of course, a top shaman will have to be present as well. (Hey, not me, Arthur. I've got a lot on at the moment.) Well, I'll do it then. I don't mind. Someone's got to be the bridge between this world and the next. You know what Manny's like. Can you imagine him trying to invoke the spirits of the dead masters, not to mention the money gods? It ain't gonna happen. He'll just make a hash of it. I'll take a bit of time out from my college. I don't care. It will be worth it just to make sure the job is done properly.'

Well, that was Arthur earlier this morning. Only one problem: neither Kaveh (Pendragon) nor Manny (GLG) has been approached yet about the need for such a ceremony. Watch this space.

Tuesday, 20 January 2009

Patrick Evershed: legal action against New Star

Patrick Evershed - who was dismissed by New Star Asset Management last year - is now taking legal action (at an employment tribunal) against the firm. He says he was bullied, and is claiming constructive dismissal.

My dear friend Keith Busby has personal experience of bullying in the workplace. I spoke to him earlier this morning, and he said, 'Yeah, I can sympathize with Paddy. Many years ago when I worked at Lehman Brothers, I was a terrible bully, but I regret it now. I was always criticizing people. And taking the piss out of the colour of their auras. Screwing around with their chakras. I was a real devil. I even put a curse on one guy. He lost all his hair, and his job, his home, his marriage, his soul. I was a nasty piece of work. But then I found religion. Mystical capitalism saved me. No one knows the troubles I've seen.'

Well, I had no idea Keith had once worked at Lehman Brothers. You learn something new every day, don't you?

Monday, 19 January 2009

New Goldman Sachs managing directors 2009: hooray!

Update: Here's the new list - November 2009.

Wonderful, wonderful, wonderful. In these dark times, with misery everywhere, these beautiful people get PROMOTED! Yes, promoted. Not keep their jobs. Promoted!

How many of them have trained as financial shamans? How many of them have trained as money mystics? Frankly, dear reader, I don't give a damn. That can come later.

A note of caution though: I had to do quite a bit of detective work to put this list together, and there may be a few mistakes. Also, I doubt that all these people have just suddenly become managing directors. Some of them may have been appointed over the course of the last year.

Well, anyway, congratulations to: George F. Travers, Jack B. Navarro, Vinit K. Sahni, Rafael I. de Fex, John M. Draghi, Mary Pang, Toshio Okumura, Andre Laport Ribeiro, Giuseppe Bivona, Joseph Chow, Beatriz Sanchez, Ramon Perez, Ricardo Mora, Joseph A. Stern, Hans-Alexander Graf von Sponeck, Ian H. Donaldson, Jeffrey L. Verschleiser, Jeffrey B. Andreski, Graeme C. Jeffery, Albert J. Cass III, Hidefumi Fukuda, Matthew Malloy, Rondy Jennings, Peeyush Misra, Ellen G. Cooper, Aniruddh Gupta, Neil C.Kearns, Jeffrey M. Scruggs, Joseph M. Spinelli, Teresa Teague, Ritsubun Koda, Atanas Bostandjiev, Antonio F. Esteves, Bruce D. Saber, Joshua Easterly, Kevin Shone, Caglayan Cetin, Aya Stark Hamilton, Alan Zagury, Mary Anne Choo, Daniel J. Rothman, Kaven Leung, Angelo Haritsis, Hiroyasu Oshima, Jami Rubin, Colin J. Greene, Ajay Sondhi, Philippe Challande, Marc d'Andlau, Lancelot M. Braunstein, Eric L. Hirschfield, Charles A. Irwin, Robert D. Boroujerdi, Christopher Pilot, Chong Lee Tan, Francesco Adiliberti, Arthur Ambrose, Graham N. Ambrose, Christian H. Andersson, Steven Angel, Anna Gabriella C. Antici, Jason S. Armstrong, Gregory A. Asikainen, David J. Atkinson, Christopher T. Bae, Heather L. Beckman, Karim Bennani, David L. Berdon, Shomick D. Bhattacharya, David C. Bicarregui, Miguel A. Bilbao, Robert J. Biro, Matthias B. Bock, Jason H. Brauth, William Brennan, Justin M. Brickwood, Michael G. Broadbery, Adam B. Broder, Michael R. Brooke, Shoqat Bunglawala, Neil T. Callan, Anthony Campagna, Scott A. Carroll, David Castelblanco, Rishi Chadda, Thomas H. Chan, Michael L. Chandler, Toby J. Chapman, Omar J. Chaudhary, Hyung-Jin Chung, Giacomo Ciampolini, Samara P. Cohen, Stephanie E. Cohen, Richard Cohn, James M. Conti, David Coulson, James O. Coulton, Robert Crane, Nicholas T. Cullen III, Rajesh R. Darak, Thomas J. Davis, Ann M. Dennison, Michael J. DesMarais, Sheetal Dhanuka, Pamela S. Dickstein, Robert Drake-Brockman, Yuichiro Eda, Robert W. Ehrhart, Eric Elbaz, Edward A. Emerson, Mark A. Emmins, James Fauset, Michael T. Feldman ,Thomas J. Fennimore, Andrew B. Fontein, Sarah Forrest, Salvatore Fortunato, Sheara J. Fredman, Michael L. Freeborn, Thomas S. Friedberger, Jacques Gabillon, Christian Gaertner, April E. Galda, Dean M. Galligan, Gianluca Gera, Matthew R. Gibson, Jeffrey M. Gido, Tyler E. Ginn, Nick V. Giovanni, Thomas H. Glanfield, Boon Leng Goh, Alexander S. Golten, Esteban T. Gorondi, Charles J. Graham, Eric S. Greenberg, Wade G. Griggs III, Charles Gunawan, Ralf Hafner, Jeffrey D. Hamilton, Christine M. Hamner, Kathryn Hanna, Joanne Hannaford, Nicholas M. Harper, Honora M. Harvey, Takashi Hatanaka, Jeffrey R. Haughton, Bernhard Herdes, Jason T. Herman, Charles P. Himmelberg, Timothy R. Hodge, Russell W. Horwitz, Ronald J. Howard, Vivien Huang, Russell E. Hutchinson, Tetsuji Ichimori, Elena Ivanova, Tomohiro Iwata, Vijay Iyengar, Maria S. Jelescu, Steve Jeneste, Thomas F. Jessop, Kara R. Johnston, Denis Joly, Eric S. Jordan, D. Seth Kammerman, Johannes A. Kaps, Lauren Karp, Anil C. Karpal, Scott B. Kauffman, Edward W. Kelly, Robert W. Keogh, Aasem G. Khalil, Arlen Khodadadi, Donough Kilmurray, Lorence H. Kim, Tobias Koester, Adam M. Korn, Paul Kornfeld, Ewa Kozicz, Ulrich R. Kratz, Florence Kui, Glen M. Kujawski, Dheeraj Kunchala, Michael E. Kurlander, Jeffrey M. Laborde, Cory H. Laing, Meena K. Lakdawala, Richard N. Lamming, Francesca Lanza, Sarah C. Lawlor, Benjamin Leahy, Timothy M. Leahy, Dominic J. Lee, Jason Lee, Lakith R. Leelasena, Edward K. Leh, Philippe H. Lenoble, Eugeny Levinzon, Suzanne Lloyd, David H. Loeb, Ning Ma, John G. Madsen, Brian M. Margulies, Michael C. J. Marsh, Kim Mathew, David W. May, Adam J. Mazur, Ryan L. McCorvie, Robert A. McEvoy, William T. McIntire, Christopher G. McKey, Christopher L. Mikosh, Paul J. Miller, Girish Mithran, Yutaka Miura, Joseph Montesano, Juan Mora, Jennifer L. Moyer, David J. Mullane, Eric D. Muller, T. Clark Munnell, Guy A. Nachtomi, Rohit Narang, Jyothsna G. Natauri, Jeffrey R. Nazzaro, Carey Nemeth, Jens Jakob Nordvig-Rasmussen, John M. O'Connell, Kristin A. Olson, Ashot A. Ordukhanyan, Kevin W. Pamensky, Nash Panchal, Adam C. Peakes, Ali Peera, Tracey A. Perini, Edward J. Perkin, Philippe B. Petit, Jonathan G. Pierce, Dhruv Piplani, Marcelo D. Pizzimbono, Dmitri Potishko, Siddharth P. Prabhu, Philip B. Prince, Dirk J. Pruis, M. C. Raazi, Marc-Olivier Regulla, Francois J. Rigou, Stuart Riley, Richard R. Robison, Tami B. Rosen, Santiago J. Rubin, Howard H. Russell, Natasha P. Sai, Deeb A. Salem, Christian D. Salomone, Krishnan P. Sankaran, Timothy K. Saunders, Peter Scheman, Pedro E. Scherer, Stephanie R. Schueppert, Hugo P. Scott-Gall, Gaurav Seth, Kiran V. Shah, Raj Shah, Roopesh K. Shah, Takehisa Shimada, Tomoya Shimizu, Nameer A. Siddiqui, David A. Sievers, Brigit L. Simler, David I. Simpson, Jason E. Singer, Ajay A. Singh, Todd W. Slattery, Kevin J. Sofield, David R. Spurr, Scott A. Stanford, Michael H. Stanley, Matthew F. Stanton, Haydn P. Stedman, Umesh Subramanian, Kathryn E. Sweeney, Teppei Takanabe, Troy S. Thornton, Ben W. Thorpe, Christine C. Tomas, Matthew E. Tropp, Mark C. Valentine, Charles-Eduard van Rossum, Mark A. Van Wyk, Jonathan R. Vanica, Rajesh Venkataramani, Adrien Vesval, John R. Vitha II, Katherine M. Walker, Yang Wang, Edward P. Wasserman, Brent D. Watson, Nicole A. Weeldreyer, John A. Weir, Noah Y. Weisberger, Ellis Whipple, Matthew F. Wilhelm, Pansy Piao Wong, Yat Wai Wu, Andrew P. Wyke, Junji Yamamoto, Seigo Yamasaki, Xi Ye, Daniel Yealland, Susan Yung, Maoqi Zhang, Xiaoyin Zhang, Helen Zhu, Robert Allard, Paul Ferrarese.

Full nationalization for RBS?

The share price of Royal Bank of Scotland has fallen by about 68 per cent today. So what do you think? The communists are coming!

O Big Herb, why hast thou forsaken us? This is such an evil day.

Matrix Money Management: new funds!

Matrix Money Management is offering two new funds of hedge funds. One is called the Matrix Strategic Opportunities fund, and the other is called the Matrix New Horizon fund. Now, before you all start jumping up and down in excitement and breaking out the champagne, just consider this: my old firm Shaman Money Management offered all kinds of funds to anyone who was interested, but it still went out of business.

I was the senior shaman at SMM, and I tried my best, but the company was run by a bunch of buffoons. I remember writing in this blog (not sure which post) that the bosses wouldn't have known an Ouija board if it had smacked them in the face. And that happens, you know. It has happened to me. I've been smacked in the face by an out-of-control Ouija board on a number of occasions, and it is not a pleasant experience. But I'm hard enough to handle situations like that. There are far too many limp-wristed mystics going around these days, looking for the easy money, and it makes me sick. This is a man's game. If an evil spirit comes after you, what are you going to do? Run crying to your mummy? No, you're going to stand and fight! And what will your mummy do, anyway? All wrapped in bandages like that. That's no way to carry on. You can't trust such a person. No, you have to rely on yourself.

And that's why I'm worried about Matrix Money Management. What kind of people are working at this firm? And do they have the right equipment? I'm talking tarot cards, crystal balls, and the like. I don't even know who MMM's shaman is. He can't be a big name, otherwise I would have heard of him. How do we know the firm even has a shaman? These guys at MMM could be cold earth wanderers for all we know.

So, dear reader, if you are planning to do business with Matrix Money Management in the near future, think about what I've written today. It could make all the difference. Will you lose money? Will you gain money? Will you lose your soul in the pursuit of something that hovers on the horizon like a ghostly figure but then disappears like a frightened deer in the forest? You've got to think about this shit, man.

Friday, 16 January 2009

Barclays shares down 25 per cent

I have been a bit spaced out this week, and not really following the financial news too closely. I get like that sometimes. I have cosmic problems, things on my mind, that go way beyond mere money worries. Having said that, it has just been brought to my attention that shares in Barclays fell 25 per cent this afternoon. What the hell is going on?

I don't want to see Barclays end up in the shit - mainly because of my close friendship with Bob Diamond. I haven't got much time for John Varley, but Bob is a man of the future. He is a visionary - very much like myself.

Well, I will be speaking to Bob. And I am willing to help him. In the meantime, I suggest we all pray for Barclays.

Wednesday, 14 January 2009

Sir Nigel Rudd resigns from the Barclays board after a bust-up with John Varley

You read it here first. Some people are talking about some toxic assets shit. Don't believe a word of it.

What happened was, Nigel Rudd and John Varley were trying to take a leaf out of Bob Diamond's book, but it all went catastrophically wrong.

I have been speaking to Keith Busby, who witnessed the incident with his own eyes (not someone else's, obviously; although you never know with Keith). This is what he told me: 'These guys are amateurs. Can you believe Nigel and John went on to the astral plane without any training? Bob must be pissing himself with laughter. They made the classic mistake of venturing on to the lower levels where all the demons hang out. They were more or less ripped to shreds down there - in a mystical way, I mean. When they came back, their auras were in a right state. Chakras, a total mess. And then the recriminations started. John blaming Nigel. Nigel blaming John. What a comedy!'

Dear oh dear.

Jeremy Lang and William Pattison and all the mystical children and all the ghosts and all the people familiar with the situation …

Would they trust a lion? It’s not like a tyger burning bright. Dear reader, would you trust a lion?

I've seen too much blood to trust anything or anyone. Peace, yes. But how long does the peace last? We can't live forever in the silence of the night. Some of us trade in the daylight. And win money. And lose money. THE DESERT IS MY FUCKING CASINO!!!

How do you like that? I bet you think I've gone insane. You ain't seen nothing yet.

Monday, 12 January 2009

Howling chaos, blood, money drenched in blood …

It's all the same to me. I have nothing to smile about. I've read those rune stones a thousand times, and I am truly fucked off now.

O Master, what is wrong?

Fuck you, my child. I am not in the mood. The death of my angels, blood in the money, demons smiling, communist clowns.

EVERYTHING HAS GONE WRONG!

O Master, where is the sun? Where is the light? Where is the love?

All dead. As dead as a dead one. The desert is calling. The desert wind will chill us to the bone. There is nothing left. Jack. Keith. Myself. Characters in my blood, my mind.

I DO NOT FEEL AT ALL WELL!

O Master, stop! You are scaring all the mystical children.

They will have to learn to live with the terror. I live with it. Let them live with it.

Sunday, 11 January 2009

O Lex Van Dam, Big Herb loves you!

Oh yes, Lex, Big Herb loves you. He told me in a vision. In the desert of my dreams he spake unto me.

And Ganesh the elephant god loves you as well.

And all the mystical children love you.

Rejoice!

Friday, 9 January 2009

Print money? No! To hell with the Marxists! We will burn with money in the desert

O my children, my brothers, my sisters, there is a great evil in this green and pleasant land, our beautiful England. Communist scum are out to get us! They want to steal our savings! Quantitative easing they call it. Ha! They can ease my arse. I'm not having this. This is not Zimbabwe. Where do they think they are?

O my children - even my children in other countries, for I have children everywhere (I call on the children of America) - let's run away into the desert! We will burn with money in the desert. Burn, burn, burn …

O Master, show us the way. We want to burn. We hate the communists.

O my child, I will show you the way, the way to heaven. BUT THE COMMUNISTS I SHALL LEAD TO HELL! They will burn, and not the good burning either. The fires of hell will take them. Damn them, damn them, damn them …

O Master, I am scared. Will the communists steal my savings?

O my child, not while there is breath in my body. I will fight them. WE SHALL FIGHT THEM! We shall fight them in the blogs, on the astral plane, in the markets. We shall never surrender!

O Master, I feel so much better now.

Thursday, 8 January 2009

B. Ramalinga Raju: riding a tiger

Tyger, Tyger, burning bright, in the forests of the night: what immortal hand or eye could frame thy fearful symmetry? Yeah. Good question. And it's one that deserves an answer. But you won't get any sense out of Mr Raju. Mr Raju - let's call him B - was the chairman and chief executive of Satyam Computer Services in India, but he resigned yesterday after admitting to a $1 billion accounting fraud. Even more disturbing than that, he has been riding a tiger.

I tried to get some sense out of B. This is what he told me: 'Forget about the fraud. That is a minor issue. It's the tiger we should be worried about. It's an astral tiger on the astral plane, and I was only riding it because I thought it would make me rich. (How, exactly? And haven't you got enough money? Never mind.) Jim Morrison used to ride a snake, I prefer a tiger - so sue me! Do you know what I mean? (I dig it, B. Each to their own.) Anyway, I was riding this tiger, but I couldn't get off the damn thing. I thought it was going to eat me. I said to it - that's right, that's right, that's neat, that's neat, I really love your tiger feet. And do you know what? The bastard just laughed at me. Tigers ain't got no respect, man. I learnt that the hard way. Finally, it found out about the fraud, and let me off. I suppose I wasn't good enough any more. But that tiger is still prowling around the astral plane, you know. Someone's going to cop it.'

Okay. B made a bit of sense. I'll have to look into this. We can't have mystic tigers prowling around. And I don't give a fuck what William Blake has got to say on the matter. Poetry is nice - I'm all for it. But business is business.

Wednesday, 7 January 2009

Wadhwani Asset Management cuts fees for early withdrawals

Sushil Wadhwani has cut fees for early withdrawals from his hedge fund, and I take my hat off to him.

He knows, you see. He knows that you must release money, let be free, let it fly high in the friendly sky, and it will come back to you - one day - with interest.

This reminds me of my time in the desert. I'm talking about my golden youth, my eight years in the desert when I was but a child. Well, I wasn't a child, I was in my twenties, but you understand what I'm saying, don't you? I was not the world's foremost financial shaman that you know and love today. I was just starting out in life, learning the ropes, learning how to burn with money in the desert like the masters of old. Anyway, in those days I used to physically burn the money and inhale the fumes. On one occasion I burnt a twenty-pound note. I inhaled. I inhaled some more. And then I was taken to ANOTHER WORLD! Don't ask me where. Don't ask me how. I know for sure it wasn't the astral plane. It was another world. In this world, there was money everywhere. More money than you or I have ever seen. I mean, you couldn't move without knocking over a pile of cash. There was no sky, no ground, only money. Obviously, I filled my pockets. While I was doing so, an old man approached me. He whispered in my ear: 'Michael, I see your light shining. Burn for me, baby. There was a way that will come again.' The next thing I knew I was back in the desert, my pockets stuffed with cash (about £20,000), and I had one hell of a headache.

What's the moral of this story? Who was that old man? Was I stoned out of my fucking gourd? Dear reader, I'll let you decide. But just think about that £20, the £20,000, and then think about Mr Wadhwani. That man's no fool.

Tuesday, 6 January 2009

Robert McCann is leaving Merrill Lynch

Yeah. He's leaving. It was voluntary as well. I guess he looked at the John Thain / Peter Kraus (no longer at Merrill, by the way; but still close to John) situation and said to himself: Life's too short. I don't want this no more, man. I'm heading for the desert. I want to be free. I want to find myself - before it's too late.

Yes, I guess he said something like that, and who can blame him, eh? I wouldn't want to get caught between John and Peter. Robert needs to find some peace.

You see, dear reader, every man has got a breaking point. You and I have. Robert McCann has reached his. And very obviously he has gone …

… all mystical! All mystical. This man has had enough. The square corporate world. He can't take it no more! John Thain may have been a Red Indian chief in a past life, but how does he live now? He don't live like no mystic, man. And Robert saw this. With his own eyes! And probably even his third eye. Oh yes, Thain talks a good game, paying lip service to mystical capitalism, but he's never really been mad for it, like my dear friend Bob Diamond has. And Robert McCann knows all this. And that's why he's leaving. You've got to respect that.

And what about John Thain? He is the president of global banking, securities and wealth management at Bank of America now. I hope he's happy.

And what about me? What about my chakras? Do you have any idea what I'm going through? Could you write about these characters, dear reader, and not let it affect your mental state? I'm feeling very fragile at the moment.

Monday, 5 January 2009

TRIUM Global Executive MBA: this is not an orange

Yes it is. It is a friggin' orange. Are you guys nuts? Have you lost all contact with reality? It is an orange. I don't see global socio-political and economic issues that profoundly affect the world. I see a friggin' orange! Enough already!

I am a master of reality. I know when an orange is an orange. Could I be wrong? No. An orange is an orange is an orange is an orange. This I know. This is not a philosophical problem for me. An orange is an orange. Or else where would we be? Where would we be in a world where an orange was not an orange? That way madness lies. Yes.

I am a man. My mind is a desert. My desert mind burns, with money, and I am happy. I know this. But what if I did not know this? What if I thought I was an orange? How sick would I have to be? Very sick. I am not an orange. I am a man. And not a normal man either. The world's foremost financial shaman. Yes. I have no need of your oranges, you fools! And I most certainly do not need one of your sophisticated degrees. Do you know why? Because I am as sophisticated as it gets! Human rights, environmental risk, marketing, price volatility … I could go on, but I won't. I don't need any of that. Especially not the environmental risk. I will not be preached to. I will not be brainwashed. I am a free man. A shaman. In the desert. I am not an orange. This blog is not an orange. This is not an orange. But that is an orange. That thing in your advertisement is an orange. Wise up.

Goldman Sachs Asset Management never felt comfortable with Madoff

Hello. Hello. It's good to be back. Right, down to business. Goldman Sachs Asset Management has said it never felt comfortable with Bernard Madoff. Of course not. Why would it feel comfortable?

Goldman Sachs employs more financial shamans than any bank. These shamans would have known. They would have felt it. The vibes. Jack Pickles and Bernard Madoff together. One can only imagine the vibes. We're talking bad vibes here, baby. Not Beach Boy vibes, oh no. Although Dennis Wilson did hang out with Charles Manson for a while, and the Beach Boys did record one of Manson's songs. Can you believe that? Crazy!

Speaking personally here (it's the best thing to do, sometimes the only thing), I never felt comfortable during all the years I was friends with Jack. Even before he turned to the dark side. I must have known. I must have sensed something. Because there is a conflict in every human heart, between good and evil, and good does not always triumph. You dig that, don't you, dear reader? I mean, you know where I'm coming from. We've all been there. Wandering in the darkness, looking for the light, looking for salvation. Who can we trust? Who can we believe in? Is there a meaning to life? Will money make us happy?

Hey, let's not get carried away! Of course money will make us happy. After all, we are not communists.