Tuesday, 10 September 2019

TMF Group expands!

Yes, yes. It expands! 'Brilliant!' Yes! 'But, uh ... what, how ... does it expand, boss? Explain! Explain it to me, and to your readers. Come on!' Calm down, son.

Okay, okay. Voice, reader(s). Listen! Obviously, it's another PR email BECAUSE(!) ... [drum roll] ... well, why not? WHY NOT?!

Here we go ...

TMF Group, a leading provider of global business services, has completed the acquisition of State Street's private equity and real estate fund administration business in the Channel Islands.

You see? An acquisition. It's as simple and as easy as that. 'So we're not talking about, like, uh ... the universe expanding? Nothing like that?' Oh, it's nothing like that, my little invisible friend. 'Thank God!' Ha! You're so funny.

It doesn't really matter how a firm expands, does it?

The acquisition is a key milestone in TMF Group's drive to further grow its fund services business and means it now has over $125 billion in client assets under administration within fund services, making it one of the leading fund administrators in Europe. TMF Group's 'one-stop-shop' of fund services, including fund administration and depositary services, is supported by experts in over 80 jurisdictions worldwide.

Supported by experts! That's what I like to see! 'Well, that's a relief.' Of course it is! Imagine if they were supported by idiotic amateurs who had absolutely no idea what was going on. 'You mean people who are ... I don't know, totally clueless?' Yes. That sort. We don't need that sort. 'No.' WE NEED MORE EXPERTS IN THIS WORLD!!! 'Yes.' Especially with Brexit. 'Ha, ha, ha!' What? 'Experts aren't needed with Brexit, boss. All you need for Brexit is ... Christ knows! But you don't need experts.'

Let's forget about Brexit, eh?

In Jersey, the acquisition of State Street's private equity and real estate business adds fund administration to its existing corporate and trust services, whilst in Guernsey, it complements the recent acquisition of Gentoo, a leading fund administration business.

Okay, okay. Jersey? A lot of crime there. 'No there isn't!' Er, watch Bergerac, idiot!

Okay, okay. Right. I think we need to know if Mark Weil is excited or not. What do you reckon, Voice? 'Are you taking bets?' No. Just tell me. Is Mark excited? And without cheating! Don't look at the email. 'Okay. Er ... I reckon he's delighted.' Delighted. All right. And you, dear reader(s)? Do you think that he's maybe ... thrilled? 'Damn!' What? 'I should have said thrilled. Can I change?' No. You're stuck with delighted now. 'Well, tell us then!'

Okay, okay ... [drum roll] ... 'Come on, boss! The suspense is killing me!' ... Ha! ... [drum roll] ... here we are! -

Mark Weil, CEO of TMF Group, says: "We are excited to be growing our fund administration business - one of our global specialties. The combination of State Street's private equity and real estate services and TMF Group's funds platforms means that we are brilliantly-placed to serve funds clients around the world with a single, safe and consistent service model."

Well, well ... / Excited! 'Yeah, yeah.' Ha! / He said "we are". He meant "I am", I'm sure. Let the others speak for themselves, Mark!

Okay, okay. Right. We're going to finish now with a quote from Cengiz Somay. 'Great!' Unfortunately, our Cengiz isn't excited, delighted, or thrilled. 'That's fine, boss. What is he, though?' Nothing. 'Pardon?' Just nothing. 'Oh.' Yeah. Some people are like that. However, I refuse to judge him. Only God can judge him!

Cengiz Somay, Managing Director, Channel Islands at TMF Group says: "Now with over 200 experts in the Channel Islands supported by 7,800 professionals globally, TMF Group is the best positioned firm in the market to meet the end-to-end global needs within fund services. This allows our clients to focus on investing and generating returns for their investors, with the peace of mind that TMF Group is delivering first-class fiduciary, administration, compliance and reporting services."

Thank you, Cengiz! No one's judging you. [Well, God might be, if He exists. But let's not get into that. It's too early in the morning, you dig?]



Anything else? Jesus! Don't tell me you want more, dear reader(s)?! 'Unbelievable!' There is ... no more.

[I'll be writing a conceptual later, of course, for people who like that sort of thing. No. 738.]