Ha! Ha! Uh ... 'Ha!' / [Well.] Well, it'll be bad news for you, dear reader(s). Probably. I mean, you can forget about your lovely lifestyle as one of the rich. You'll be working in an Amazon bank warehouse on a zero hours contract, earning minimum wage - if you're lucky. 'What is this bullshit, boss? Get a grip!' It's not bullshit, Voice. It's a PR email from ParcelHero. Look -
Could we soon be opening an Amazon bank account and getting loans and mortgages from the e-commerce giant? The e-commerce delivery expert ParcelHero says the UK finance industry can bank on it.
[Not in the mood, actually ...] You see? 'Oh.' Oh, indeed. Everyone will be a slave in the future. No one will have a decent job.
Is Amazon preparing to move into banking? Reports earlier this year that Amazon was considering buying the US bank Capital One highlight the fact that controlling how we buy goods, as well as where we buy them, would make a great deal of sense for the US giant.
And the e-commerce delivery specialist ParcelHero says Amazon could well be looking at the UK banking sector too; thanks to a change in regulation in 2013 that has allowed a host of new online 'challenger banks' to join the established High Street players.
[I won't make these bits small, I refuse ...] You see, dear reader(s)? It's curtains for you! 'What does Jinksy say, boss?' What?! Who in the name of Christ is Jinksy?! 'Our mate, David Jinks.' Oh, him ...
ParcelHero's Head of Consumer Research, David Jinks MILT, says: "Speculation continues that Amazon is interested in Capital One in the USA. It's one of the top ten American banks, worth around $334bn in assets, and has a huge credit card portfolio. While Amazon’s planned purchase of Whole Foods has got the US Government concerned about retail monopolies, an acquisition in a totally unrelated sector should not result in similar problems. Capital One has already made its services compatible with Amazon's Alexa smart speaker and the potential future opportunities are very significant."
[Chaos, this morning, my brain ...] And will they pay any tax this time? 'Ha!' That's the big question. I think - 'Okay, okay. Let Jinksy finish, Mikey.' Boss. 'Let Jinksy finish, boss.' Okay. / Okay. / Okay. 'Come on!'
And it's a move that would also work well in the UK, says David: "Local bank branches may now be harder to find on your High Street than dodos, but the UK's online banking industry is mushrooming. Well over 9,000 bank and building society branches have closed in recent years; but online around 50 new banking sector companies have been announced since the regulations were eased. However, we believe the established banks' stiffest battle will come not from a direct banking industry competitor, but from that ultimate in industry disruptors, Amazon."
[Okay, okay, okay.] I ain't looking for dodos, but never mind. What else? 'There’s more!' That's enough, Voice. I think my readers have got the general idea. 'No, no, no. Yeah, okay, skip that bit there. But this bit here -'
And David adds: "The company also already has its own UK credit card. The Amazon Platinum Mastercard gives reward points whenever you shop on it; but, behind the scenes, its UK card is actually run by NewDay, with Amazon simply acting as a credit broker. Were Amazon to create its own bank, or buy an existing provider, access to full credit card information would give it even more vital data about its customers' shopping behaviour."
[All right.] All right. A credit card. Jesus H. - ! 'Let him conclude.' Okay, okay. Okay, okay. Okay, okay. Help! I can't stop! 'Jinksy, come on, son!' Come on, Jinksy!
Concludes David: "Think of the perks an Amazon bank could use to lure more people to join the Prime Membership scheme. From more attractive rates of APR, to added points when you buy on its cards, Amazon could attract a new group of Prime members. And remember those members spend around twice as much as non-members with Amazon."
[Please!] Are we finished now? Please! 'Wait for it!' Please!
ENDS
[Thank God!] Thank God! Thank God!
Could we soon be opening an Amazon bank account and getting loans and mortgages from the e-commerce giant? The e-commerce delivery expert ParcelHero says the UK finance industry can bank on it.
[Not in the mood, actually ...] You see? 'Oh.' Oh, indeed. Everyone will be a slave in the future. No one will have a decent job.
Is Amazon preparing to move into banking? Reports earlier this year that Amazon was considering buying the US bank Capital One highlight the fact that controlling how we buy goods, as well as where we buy them, would make a great deal of sense for the US giant.
And the e-commerce delivery specialist ParcelHero says Amazon could well be looking at the UK banking sector too; thanks to a change in regulation in 2013 that has allowed a host of new online 'challenger banks' to join the established High Street players.
[I won't make these bits small, I refuse ...] You see, dear reader(s)? It's curtains for you! 'What does Jinksy say, boss?' What?! Who in the name of Christ is Jinksy?! 'Our mate, David Jinks.' Oh, him ...
ParcelHero's Head of Consumer Research, David Jinks MILT, says: "Speculation continues that Amazon is interested in Capital One in the USA. It's one of the top ten American banks, worth around $334bn in assets, and has a huge credit card portfolio. While Amazon’s planned purchase of Whole Foods has got the US Government concerned about retail monopolies, an acquisition in a totally unrelated sector should not result in similar problems. Capital One has already made its services compatible with Amazon's Alexa smart speaker and the potential future opportunities are very significant."
[Chaos, this morning, my brain ...] And will they pay any tax this time? 'Ha!' That's the big question. I think - 'Okay, okay. Let Jinksy finish, Mikey.' Boss. 'Let Jinksy finish, boss.' Okay. / Okay. / Okay. 'Come on!'
And it's a move that would also work well in the UK, says David: "Local bank branches may now be harder to find on your High Street than dodos, but the UK's online banking industry is mushrooming. Well over 9,000 bank and building society branches have closed in recent years; but online around 50 new banking sector companies have been announced since the regulations were eased. However, we believe the established banks' stiffest battle will come not from a direct banking industry competitor, but from that ultimate in industry disruptors, Amazon."
[Okay, okay, okay.] I ain't looking for dodos, but never mind. What else? 'There’s more!' That's enough, Voice. I think my readers have got the general idea. 'No, no, no. Yeah, okay, skip that bit there. But this bit here -'
And David adds: "The company also already has its own UK credit card. The Amazon Platinum Mastercard gives reward points whenever you shop on it; but, behind the scenes, its UK card is actually run by NewDay, with Amazon simply acting as a credit broker. Were Amazon to create its own bank, or buy an existing provider, access to full credit card information would give it even more vital data about its customers' shopping behaviour."
[All right.] All right. A credit card. Jesus H. - ! 'Let him conclude.' Okay, okay. Okay, okay. Okay, okay. Help! I can't stop! 'Jinksy, come on, son!' Come on, Jinksy!
Concludes David: "Think of the perks an Amazon bank could use to lure more people to join the Prime Membership scheme. From more attractive rates of APR, to added points when you buy on its cards, Amazon could attract a new group of Prime members. And remember those members spend around twice as much as non-members with Amazon."
[Please!] Are we finished now? Please! 'Wait for it!' Please!
ENDS
[Thank God!] Thank God! Thank God!
