Thursday 24 February 2011

Dean Cheeseman will be managing over $2 billion of discretionary client assets

Are we supposed to care? Well, at least he's going for it, and that's good. I learnt a long time ago that there ain't no such things as halfway crooks. That's the sort of determination I've got to get. Apparently, Mars is in my sign for the next thirty or forty days. If I'm going to do it, I've got to do it now. But you don't want to hear all this personal shit. You want to know about that crazy cat Dean Cheeseman.

Deano has just joined Mercer as equity portfolio manager in its investment management business. He used to work at F&C (poor bastard) as head of fund of funds of fund. Multi-manager? I don't know. What do I know? Let's keep it simple. He made money. What more could anyone ask of a man? Or a woman. Or something in-between. I'm not casting aspersions.

Well, Deano wasn't able to speak to me. So we'll have to make do with some geezer who goes by the name of Tom Murphy. Check this: 'Mikey, I'm really excited. (Yeah? Who are you?) I'm Tom Murphy. I'm head of investment management for Europe, Middle East and Africa. (You reckon?) That's what I've been told. Is this an existential thing? Are you breaking my balls a little here? (Yeah, Tommy. I had you going, didn't I?) Christ, Mikey. You're worse than that Jean-Paul Sartre, you are. You'd give Albert Camus a run for his money. (I try my best. So, you're really excited about Deano joining Mercer then?) Over the moon, Mike. (Are you?) No, he is. Deano. (What do you mean? He's happy, or -) No, he's over the moon. (What, er, astral moon?) Yeah, I presume. I mean, I don't know how it works. It's not really my scene. But, anyway, he hasn't actually started with us yet. We're waiting for him to get back. I suppose it's all good preparation, isn't it? I mean ... (Well, it can be, Tommy. But I would have thought that Deano would have wanted to get stuck in straight away. There'll be plenty of time later on for astral travel and stuff.) It's probably nerves, Mike. (How much money will he be managing?) Over two billion dollars. (Yeah. That is a lot.) I just hope he comes back with a clear head. (Are you worried?) I've heard the stories. I've been reading your blog for months. I know all about the peyote and the drums and the dancing. (He'll be okay with it, Tommy.) That sort of thing can change a man. We can't use him if he's ... psychotic. (He's not going to be psychotic!) I hope not, Mike.'

It really makes me laugh. Some of these people haven't got a clue when it comes to mystical capitalism. There are so many misconceptions. Maybe I should write a guide: Mystical Capitalism for Beginners.