Wednesday, 16 February 2011

Ian Axe becomes the chief executive of LCH.Clearnet just as I was wondering ...

Whatever happened to Ian Axe? I told everyone three years ago when Axe became a managing director at Barclays Capital that he had potential. I knew he was a good lad who would one day go out into the desert and find himself (a bit) and then come back to get an even better job.

And he has found a bit of himself. (He is almost a financial shaman.) Not a piece of flesh, hanging off, which then fell off, and was rotting in the sand. That would be too gruesome. If it had happened. It didn't happen, I am glad to say. No, it was a bit of his consciousness. He found it in our love. We were holding it for him. We were only too happy to hang on to it for a while. Now it has been returned to its rightful owner. And he has a new job! Axe, man, will start in April, and he's going to be very sharp and very tough.

You need to be very sharp and very tough in this world. And you need to be very intelligent as well. You can't be like those idiots, all superficial, impressed by the fake words of someone who considers himself a man of literature just because he once read a few books by Proust, or Tolstoy, or Dickens, or some other bland c**t. Literature is Rimbaud. It is Lautreamont. It is Celine. And you have to live it. You have to be prepared to die. Try living in shit. Try dressing in rags. Fuck your Oxford or Cambridge or wherever the fuck it was they turned you into a schnook. Write something, for the love of our holy Jesus H. Christ! Beloved muthas! Satan's children! I see the flames! You get the idea. These days of tears and nights of blood. No prisoners!

However, this has nothing to do with Axe. It has nothing to do with him! O Lord, give me the strength and the wisdom to ignore scum. Let me concentrate on Axe, for he is a man we can all love and cherish.

O Master, we love him!

We love Ian Axe! We'll think about him. He will take away our pain. This is just me. I know that if I can focus on Axe, my pain will disappear. It's when I think of myself, that's when the trouble starts. It's when I think of my Gillian, that's when my heart aches. And I know she went to Cambridge. I wasn't having a pop at her.

O Master, we love him!

Yes, we love Axe, man! Let's focus on Ian Axe! I hope he changes things at LCH.Clearnet. I hope he invites me in to give a little motivational speech to the troops. I'll get them going. I'll get them worked up into a mad passion. Then we'll see something worth reporting in this awfully boring financial world. Not that I am a reporter, you understand. Perish the thought! I am a transformer! I take a man like Axe, and I make him look like a supernatural being! Well, almost. I almost manage it. I am not a god. Not yet. Give me a chance! It's only been four years. We have another thirty or so to go yet. Won't it be fun?!

O Master, we love him!

Yes, my child, we love Ian Axe. We love him. We love him. We love him! I can't stress this enough. Out in the moonlight, one night, he'll be there. And everyone will love him hard. The desert sun, one day, burning his body like, God knows what. Don't bet against it. And we will lap it up! The fact is, we believe in the guy! It's as simple as that. There's no confusion. It's not as if Axe is one of these characters who will let us down. No one is suggesting that he's a puppet who will throw it all back in our faces.