Marja Kooistra goes to T Rowe Price

Well, some good news. Someone has got a new job. Marja Kooistra has been hired by T Rowe Price to sort out relationships in Europe. What's that all about? I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm happy for the girl, but what will she be doing?

I have been speaking to Keith Busby, and he told me, 'I've got a bit of experience in this area. Basically, as we all know, in many firms there is a lot of conflict between financial shamans and money mystics and your traditional bankers and traders. They don't get on. The shamans and mystics have tried their best to make friends, but it's the jealousy, you see. I once did a few days relationship consultancy work for Goldman Sachs. This was in the early days. It only had a handful of mystical workers at that point. Well, one very well-known Goldman banker - I won't name him - came up to me, and oh, the foul language that spewed out of his mouth! It was like being down by the docks or something. It was absolutely shocking. You know, F this, F that, those fucking shamans. It was pure jealousy. And he was a very wealthy man. You would have thought he would have felt more secure in his position. But he was threatened by the shamans. Their strange ways, their ceremonial gowns, their - and, oh yeah, I did away with the gowns. They had to go. I told the shamans that if they wanted to fit in, they would have to wear suits. Made a small concession with the white sheets. That improved matters. They didn't seem so alien then. And it worked out fine. The shamans are an established part of the set-up at Goldman now.'

But Goldman Sachs is going to be regulated! Will things change?

I have been speaking to Arthur Simmons. He told me, 'There shouldn't be any trouble, but if there is, Goldman will just hide its financial shamans. Maybe the bank will put more of its shamans into basements - like the shamans committee in London. And just bolt the door, and pretend they don't exist. I'm surprised the bank wants to be regulated. Maybe it had no choice. It takes all sorts to make a world.'

Yes, it does. Oh, Marja, almost forgot about you. Congratulations on the new job!

Arch Financial Products: into the desert!

Yeah. It's a sign of the times. Arch Financial Products has launched a sub-Saharan Africa fund. Let's hear it for the Arch Africa Private Markets Focus IC fund!

Not my normal desert, by the way, the Sahara. I'm not telling you where I hide out. But I suppose I welcome this move by Arch Financial Products. It's a smart move. Doing business in the desert. Yes, in the desert. Don't pay too much attention to the 'sub-Saharan' thing. These crazy bastards are actually in the goddamn desert. And they were trying to keep it quiet. Ha ha. Never mind. Nothing gets past me.

Dear reader, you're probably asking yourself, physical or astral? Er, it doesn't really matter. I presume Arch is dealing with the physical desert for the most part, but I should imagine it will also want to do business on the astral plane. It's important to exploit the synergies between any physical and astral desert. You can make more money that way. With seed capital of $12 million, the fund has returned 2.75 per cent so far. Not bad. There is room for improvement though.

I wonder if Arch is making best use of all the available ghosts. The ghosts of the dead financiers will be more than happy to help out. They've been discussing the future of desert finance and banking for some time now. Their thinking is that all the top firms should move away from the City of London and Wall Street, and start afresh in the desert. I am against that, personally. The desert is a place of refuge for financial shamans. A place where they can burn with money in peace, and not worry too much about the bottom line. If it became overly commercialized a lot of the mysticism would be squeezed out. Also, the ghosts are not considering the fact that the majority of bankers, traders, and analysts are still stuck in the old ways. Many of them despise the new creed of mystical capitalism. Can you really imagine them relocating to the desert? Can you imagine the pampered wife of a hedge fund manager living in a cave? No, it ain't gonna happen.

Let's keep the desert sacred!

Investment banking is no more

Like a dead parrot. I can't believe it. I'm going to try and concentrate on good news today - if I can manage it - but first this: Goldman Sachs and Morgan Stanley have become regulated banks! I suppose investment banking will continue, but no longer as a separate business. And Goldman and Morgan are now subject to bank capital requirements.

I was going to write about Henry Ramallo at Neuberger Berman. He was saying that Goldman Sachs would not survive. Well, it has survived. But …

Maybe I should get out of this game. Return to the desert. I spent eight years in the desert. The golden years of my youth. Maybe I should stay in a cave until this all blows over. But for how many years? Five years? Ten years?

The desert is calling me. It wants to own me. It wants to take me.

O desert, your emptiness is so appealing! It matches the emptiness in my soul. The pain in my eyes. The cold money in my wallet. The shares that will not burn. O desert, come for me! Take me in your arms! That doesn't make sense. You don't have any arms. But who can make sense of anything right now? Maybe I will come to you. Get lost in your sand dunes. Find a nice warm cave. A campfire. The moon. The ghosts. My tears will dry in the wind. I will forget. I will forget. I will …

I need to be saved.

Simon Cawkwell

I have been speaking to Evel Knievel - known to his friends as Simon Cawkwell - and he told me, 'I'm really not that evil or evel or whatever at all. I'm a charming chap. It's Jack Pickles everyone should be worried about. God knows how much money he has made this week. All this nonsense about banning short-selling. Jack will find a way around that. It is a triumph of the ignoramuses, that's what it is. And everything's completely fucked. Even the astral plane! I went on to the plane late last night, and the joint was in utter chaos. Where's my Burgundy? Give me my Burgundy!'

Well, Simon - I'm sorry, Evel - I'm sure turning to drink is not the answer. You've got to have faith. You've got to believe in the future. Has money ever burnt within you? You talk of the astral plane, but I've never seen you there. Evel, mate, I advise you to pop along to your local Big Herb temple. I think there's a new one in Holland Park. Give it a go. What have you got to lose?

FTSE 100 up 8.8 per cent

YES! YES! YES!

Oh thank you, Big Herb. THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU!

O Big Herb, you're simply the best!

See no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil

Forget about everything else. Just concentrate on the candle.

The mystic candle is the light in our darkness. It will lead us out of the darkness. It will protect us. It will guide us.

The guardians have released it. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity. Soon it will be gone.

I am a monkey. You are a monkey. Everyone is a monkey.

FSA bans short-selling

I ain't going into the desert - what's the point?

The FSA has just announced that it is going to ban short-selling, or restrict it, or something. I don't know what's going on. I can't get any satisfaction. Big Herb is incommunicado. The ghosts of the dead financiers wouldn't say boo to a goose. Robert Peston keeps talking in a strange voice.

I don't know what to do. I don't know what to think. HELP!!!

The hollow man

That's it! I'm off to death's other kingdom. No, actually, it's not quite that bad. I'm going into the desert - the physical one - and I won't be back until Monday next week.

I don't want any emails. I don't want anyone contacting me on Facebook. I ain't going anywhere near the astral plane. I want to be alone.

If I see Jack, I'll kill him. I'll do it with my bare hands.

This is the way the world ends

This is the way the world ends

This is the way the world ends

Not with a bang but a blog post.

David Viniar says ...

I have been speaking to David Viniar. For those of you who don't know nothing about nothing, David is the chief financial officer at Goldman Sachs. I can't say we're close friends, but we are on nodding terms. I've noticed he's been popping up on the astral plane a bit lately.

Anyway, David says: 'I would just like to thank Michael Fowke, Arthur Simmons, Keith Busby, Big Herb, Ganesh, and the ghosts of the dead financiers for supporting Goldman in this difficult time. Sure, we reported a 70 per cent drop in our earnings yesterday, but we are still standing. If Michael and the lads hadn't had been behind us this last few days, God knows what would have happened. We may have found ourselves in a Lehman or Merrill situation. But that won't happen now. Goldman is a strong bank. We employ the best shamans. We are the most mystical bank in the world. The future is bright.'

Thank you for that, David.

We need optimists like David. We've got to believe that the future is bright. Let the future burn in our dreams!

HBOS falling, falling, falling …

No, no, no! This can't be happening. HBOS seems to have lost a third of its value this morning! What is going on?

I must stay calm. You, my dear readers, must stay calm. Take deep breaths. Imagine a nice spot in the desert on the astral plane in your subconscious. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.

Keep breathing. We will get through this. WE WILL GET THROUGH THIS.