Happy Christmas and New Year

This will be my last post until January 2, so I would just like to wish my readers a Happy Christmas and New Year. I must admit that Christmas doesn't mean as much to me as Halloween, but it's still worth celebrating, I suppose.

I'm going into the desert for two weeks now. I need to get away from it all, and I want to meditate on how I am going to develop mystical capitalism next year. As the money king, people expect me to take the lead. I don't mind the responsibility.

I haven't been to the desert for over a year. Someone told me the other day that Jack Pickles is also heading for the desert this Christmas. I hope not. I'm in no mood for a fight with him, but if he pushes me, well ...

Stephen Westwood goes to London & Capital

Stephen Westwood has joined London & Capital. He is the new director of investment funds and he will lead a 'new division' of staff.

This is absolutely fantastic news. I'm really excited about it. What does the phrase 'new division' suggest to you? It can only mean one thing - London & Capital is bringing in a team of financial shamans and money mystics. A whole team! Not one or two token mystical types, but a whole team! I'm over the moon.

Goldman Sachs: big bonuses for the bankers, but what about the shamans and mystics?

Goldman Sachs will splash out £9 billion in bonuses for its workers this Christmas. Simon Dingemans will get £10 million. Michael Sherwood and Karen Cook will also get showered in cash. But what about the financial shamans and money mystics?

I spoke to Susan Flint from Bad Moon Investments this morning, and she said, 'Michael, we both know that Goldman is very secretive about the shamans and mystics it employs. Well, the bank is not saying a word about the bonuses these mystical workers will receive. This suggests to me that they are getting more money than the conventional bankers at Goldman.'

That makes sense. If Michael Sherwood finds out that some crazy - in his mind - upstart, crystal-ball-gazing, tarot-card-reading nutjob is getting more money than he is, he is going to be extremely pissed.

Lloyds TSB's Helen Weir and the credit contagion

Jesus Christ! No, it's not a horror story. Just another doom merchant with more tales of woe. These people are out of control. Helen Weir, finance chief at Lloyds TSB, has been saying how the turmoil affecting the world's financial systems is spreading. She actually uses the word 'contagion.' It's a fucking disease now. I suppose she saw the headlines that Simon Johnson and Teun Draaisma and George Soros and Uncle Tom Cobley were getting, and she thought she would like some of the action.

I've had enough. If the worst comes to the worst, I will conjure up the four horsemen of the apocalypse and give these characters something serious to worry about. I hope I haven't shocked you. I mean, I don't operate on the dark side - I leave all that to Jack Pickles. I'm just really angry at the moment. These people are making the situation worse. Big Herb has practically guaranteed me that the credit crisis will pass. Is anyone listening?

I'm going to finish off with a quote from King Lear: The worst is not, so long as we can say 'This is the worst.'

The Miton Arcturus fund

There is a fund that has been named after a star - Arcturus. The Miton Arcturus fund is managed by Steven Brann. He is obviously a deeply spiritual man, full of wisdom and mystical insights. And he says he wants to protect people's money.

I don't know about you, but this brings tears to my eyes. I love to see bankers and financial types embracing the new creed of mystical capitalism. And for someone like Mr Brann to embrace it with such enthusiasm and passion, well, I can hardly control my emotions.

Susan Flint from Bad Moon Investments feels the same, 'Ah, it's lovely, isn't it? A fund named after a star. I've never met Steven, but I imagine he's an absolutely beautiful soul. Not a cold-hearted bastard like someone I could mention.'

I think Susan is referring to her ex-boyfriend Andrew. I won't go into it.

Barclays Wealth: rich people still want luxury goods

And bears still shit in the woods. Apparently, Barclays Wealth has just wasted its time on a new survey that says rich people still want to buy luxury goods or blow their money on services like personal shoppers. Tell us something we don't know. It is obvious that the economic slowdown won't affect the super rich. Thank you, Gerard Aquilina - how would Barclays cope without you?

Let's get serious here. We all want to know how the economic slowdown is going to affect financial shamans and money mystics. Well, I can tell you. It is boom time for the mystical brothers and sisters. Firstly, their prediction skills are needed more than ever now. Investment banks would be stuffed without them. Secondly, they don't need or want luxury goods or indeed any goods at all. My regular readers will know that I once lived in a cave for eight years, and all I had was a blanket and a few mystical books. Just because we're into money it doesn't mean we actually need it. Financial shamans and money mystics are superior beings, and that is why we can survive in any economic climate.

Bank of England: interest rate cut to 5.5 per cent

Calling all financial shamans and money mystics - rejoice! The Bank of England has cut the base rate of interest to 5.5 per cent. Yippee! Will the lenders follow? They better.

Keith Busby was right! I love Keith Busby! Keith, you're the man! Regular readers will know that Keith predicted in this blog that the interest rate would come down by the end of the week. What a genius the man is!

The devils of Scrutton Street

O weary traveller, mystic stranger, do not dare go to Scrutton Street. There are devils there that will steal your soul and sell it to the highest bidder. The devils! See their eyes glow red! These demonic beasts bathe in the blood of the innocent. Oh, the horror! The fear!

Let me fill your heart with the terror! Let me show you the depths! O poor soul, steer clear of Scrutton Street. The devils will see you coming, they will be your evil friends, they will kiss you, they will whisper sweet murder in your ear. Don't let them touch you! Don't let them breathe on you!

In the brightest day or the darkest night, you will find the pain they create. In every minute, in every hour, your tears will fall and be the fuel for their sick hearts. O you damn fool, you are so innocent, you know nothing. Don't go to Scrutton Street! For the love of sweet, gentle Jesus and all the beautiful angels, do not dare go to Scrutton Street.

I survived the horror. I was young and foolish, and I had the fearless soul of the natural-born adventurer. I went down into the darkness. But I lived in fear! I saw the deranged smiles of the forgotten ones - dead, half-alive, almost living, workers tied to their torture! What a nightmare! But it was real! It was oh so real. I cried when I saw these broken slaves. And I fought the devils. I would not let them break me with their vulgar promises of advancement. I stayed true to myself, and I escaped with my life. Was my soul damaged? Oh, I don't know. I pray not. I fall to my knees and offer myself to Jesus. Save me, Jesus! O beautiful Saviour, I am your lost child.

O you devils, O you depraved monsters, I will speak to you now. Day by day, I am growing stronger. The power of the light will destroy you! Will I come and see you? Oh no, not in Scrutton Street. But I will enter your dreams and turn them into the nightmares you inflict on others. You will fail! You will burn! I can see a vision of your miserable future. It's so horrible I can't even look at it for more than a second. You will know the terror.

I need to sleep. I am tired, so tired. I will dream a thousand dreams of pleasure way beyond Scrutton Street. Envy me.

Geoff Foster: public don't care about sub-prime

In the Daily Mail today, city and finance reporter Geoff Foster claims most shoppers in London don't care about the sub-prime disaster in America, and may not even be aware of it. Banks have lost billions, and yet all Joe Public cares about is shopping, shopping, shopping.

It's enough to make you sick, isn't it? But it gets worse. I recently carried out my own survey on the streets of London and was shocked to find out how ignorant your average person was of financial shamanism. I approached one man quietly eating his lunch on a bench in Finsbury Square. I asked him if he knew that the Finsbury Square Zombie Club met every lunchtime in the square. I explained to him that these zombies work in banking and finance. I really went into detail, telling him all about the history of this famous club. He just looked at me in disgust and walked away. What is wrong with some people?

What is wrong with some women? I bumped into two ladies who were smoking cigarettes outside an office in Scrutton Street. I asked them if they realized that Big Herb was a ghost shortly before he became a money god, and that for a while he haunted that very street. I told them he was distraught because he had lost his space hopper. The two ladies just said that they were going to call the police. How absolutely ridiculous! The police aren't going to waste their time looking for an ex-ghost's space hopper, are they?

Michael Grade has got to get a grip

Trying saying that after a few pints. ITV boss Michael Grade has lost it. Since he took over at ITV in January, the broadcaster's share price has fallen by around 20 per cent. What can be done about this?

Well, how about making some decent programmes? Maybe a business programme. The BBC has The Apprentice and Dragon's Den. ITV's response was the awful Tycoon. ITV should make a programme about a financial shaman wandering from town to town and helping people with their financial problems. A bit like Kung Fu. I could be the star, and at the end of every show you would see me leaving town in a sad manner - like The Incredible Hulk.

Mr Grade, I don't have an agent, but you can send me an email, and we'll get together sometime and discuss how we are to going to move forward with this idea.

The MPC: lower interest rates

On Wednesday the members of the monetary policy committee at the Bank of England will get together and discuss the issue of a cut in interest rates. Everyone feels sure that lower interest rates are coming, but when are they coming?

This is a job for award-winning financial psychic Keith Busby. I wish to Christ that it wasn't a job for him, but I'm afraid it is. Keith says, 'Oh, you want my expertise now, do you? I suppose I'm not a total wanker after all. Well, anyway, I have been speaking to a wide range of dead bankers over the weekend, and the word on the astral plane is that there will be a cut in interest rates by the end of the week - probably Friday.'

Susan Flint from Bad Moon Investments disagrees, 'I can't see a change in interest rates for two or three weeks yet. I don't know what the hell Keith is on about. I mean, let's face facts. The man had a nervous breakdown only a little while ago, and he is notoriously unreliable. He talks shit most of the time - excuse my French. Michael, you're supposed to be the world's foremost financial shaman and the present money king. You should know what is going to happen.'

Well, my reply to Susan is - I can't do everything. Does anyone actually realize how busy I am? It's only a matter of time before I crack up myself. Keith is all right. I rely on him to trawl the astral plane for me because I can't be there every minute of every day. I'm only human.

John Thain wants to change Merrill management culture

John Thain, the new chief executive of Merrill Lynch, wants to make changes to the senior management culture at the bank so it is more like Goldman Sachs. All I can say is - good luck.

Does Mr Thain really understand how Goldman works? I have friends at Goldman on the very secretive shamans committee and they tell me that John has no knowledge whatsoever of financial shamanism. This basically means that Merrill Lynch will not be able to compete with Goldman Sachs on any level. The Merrill culture has to be completely revamped. Shamans and mystics must be brought into the bank and placed in senior positions. And I mean senior - heads of department level.

Arthur Simmons from the Chaos College of Finance says, 'None of our graduates have gone to Merrill Lynch, and that's a big problem for the bank. I've been told that Merrill doesn't even have any Big Herb prayer rooms. How can you expect to do business like that?'

Good question. How can any investment bank hope to survive in the present climate without Big Herb prayer rooms? Sometimes I despair, I really do.

Morgan Stanley: frontier markets

More foolhardy behaviour. Apparently, Morgan Stanley Investment Management is moving into frontier markets with its Frontier Emerging Markets Fund. This fund covers 33 countries, including the Caribbean.

I say foolhardy because zombies working in finance in the Caribbean are out of control at the moment. Dougie Smith, secretary of the Finsbury Square Zombie Club, recently returned from Haiti, and he had this to say, 'Don't get me wrong, I do care about the zombies in Haiti - they face terrible discrimination - but I'm afraid they are their own worst enemies sometimes. I would not advise Morgan Stanley to get involved, not right now. I could tell you stories that would make your hair stand on end. Zombies working in banking and finance over there are completely corrupt. Maybe they are seeking revenge for years of ill treatment. Would you blame them? Who are we to judge? Shamans and mystics who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones at zombies who live in graveyards in Haiti. I think that's a fair point.'

I'm not sure it is a fair point. And I didn't call them corrupt, Dougie did. I'm not throwing stones at any fucked-up zombies in a country I've never even been to. I'm not into all this voodoo nonsense. They can keep it. I just don't care about frontier markets. End of.