Wednesday, 20 August 2014

Derek Pound is leaving Jupiter!

Surprise, surprise, eh?! Oh yes. Another Jupiter fund manager I've never even heard of, man, is leaving the firm. 'His real name is Billy Pound, boss.' Don't be ridiculous, Voice! / Dear reader(s), his name is Derek Pound and he's been at Jupiter since 1995, and I've never even heard of him. Yes, another non-shaman! How many non-shamans do they have at Jupiter? What the fuck is going on?! 'Have you heard of Bill Pound, boss?' No, I haven't, Voice. Please be quiet. / Derek Pound is/was managing the Jupiter Global Energy fund. They're going to shut it down when he leaves next month for a new challenge. 'I'll give him a new challenge, boss. Why doesn't he tell the truth about his name?' For Christ's sake! Why do you think his name is Billy, or Bill? 'LinkedIn.' Oh, I see. Has he been hiding something from us? 'Yeah. He's been telling everyone at Jupiter that his name is Derek Pound - for years! But on LinkedIn his name is Billy Bob Pound or something.' William Derek Pound, Voice? 'Yeah, that's it.' Right. Oh, very dodgy. I don't like this. I don't like it at all!

Why would a fund manager have two names? 'One for business, and one for private ... shenanigans.' Yeah. That's what I'm thinking. Great minds think alike, man. / This is just a theory, but I reckon our Billy (or Del or whatever the hell his name is) has been going on to the astral plane under another name to avoid detection. 'But you've banned all finance characters from the plane, Mikey!' Yes, I have. And we're not taking on any more financial shamans, are we? (The game is almost over, reader(s). Finance sickens me these days, as you know. Rock and roll shamanism is the future!) It all makes sense now. 'Really?' Del (or Billy) wants to become a financial shaman, but he wants to do it on the quiet. 'Ah.' I can't imagine he's shaman material though. Too much of a prima donna, from what I can gather. 'Yeah.' And no doubt he thinks I was born yesterday. 'Ha! You were born a million years ago, boss.' Fuckin' A(!) I was, son. At least a million years ago. A billion! / It's obvious that Jupiter found out and warned Billy of what I would do to him. 'They're scared of you, man. / So, Del's leaving, then. Maybe for the astral plane, maybe permanently.' Well, I'll be able to stop him now, won't I?


Another mystery solved, eh, dear reader(s)? I'm just like Columbo! (Well, sort of. There hasn't been a murder. Bergerac might be a better comparison.) / Lunch!