Wednesday, 15 October 2008

Merrill Lynch: it is hard to limit emotions

Fuckin' A. In the middle of the storm. Rape, murder! It's just a shot away.

I have been speaking to Maurice Marble III - Acton's leading brain specialist and my adviser on all matters scientific. He told me, 'I know how these poor Merrill bastards feel. My emotions are all over the place as well. Fortunately, I have developed a new machine that can limit your emotions, and I am willing to sell it to Merrill Lynch for the very reasonable price of £10 million. It will save the bank money in the long run. All Merrill has to do is plug the machine into the brain of any employee who is feeling upset about the markets and shit. The machine will do the rest. I have five of them, so if any other banks are interested out there - get in touch!'

After speaking with Maurice, I contacted Merrill Lynch myself. The PR girl said, 'We ain't wasting our money on some scumbag who lives in Acton.'

Fair enough.