Thursday, 9 October 2008

Robert Tchenguiz loses £1 billion and he's 'philosophical'

It's a funny old world. Robert Tchenguiz, the property entrepreneur, has just lost £1 billion in twenty-four hours. No, not down the back of the sofa. He was forced to sell his stakes in J Sainsbury and Mitchells & Butlers. All to do with some Icelandic mofos. I can't be bothered to go into the details. But get this - Bobby is feeling all philosophical about this shit. Well I never!

I have been speaking to the hapless Mr Bobby Tchenguiz, and he told me, 'Philosophical ain't the right word. But mystical is. That's right, man, I'm feeling so friggin' mystical about losing £1 billion. My chakras are whirling around like chakras are going out of style or something, and we all know that chakras ain't going out of style any time soon. I've shown the cosmos that you can lose a billion and not let it upset you. The cosmos will respond. How much do you think Big Herb and Ganesh the elephant god will love me now? Those crazy guys will love me more than ever. I'll be on the astral plane with them and just burning it up. This is my eternal moment. Can you feel the heat? The heat of my money? Can you feel the desert wind? I can. That's why I'm so rich, and so mystical, and so goddamn philosophical. Yeah, there's room for philosophy as well. I have a big heart. I spend, therefore I am. I lose a ton of money, therefore I am. At least I'm still breathing, right? You gotta be thankful for something. Jesus, I love that big elephant.'

Okay. It all sounds a bit forced to me. Like he really wants to believe. But didn't you - dear reader - detect just a hint of despair?