Monday, 17 January 2011

The FSA and financial promotions

Eh? What's this all about? Let me tell you. The FSA is giving friendly advice to fund managers, basically telling them that they have to be careful when they advertise their wares. [Pots and pans? 'Wares' isn't the right word. I'm leaving it in. I like it.] You know, they can't make any outrageous claims or nothing like that.

I'm just wondering if it applies to me. I don't think it does. I'm not a fund manager. I'm a financial shaman. I'm not trying to persuade anyone to invest in certain funds. I'm not even making predictions, am I? I merely want everyone to open their mind up to the cosmos. I'm sure I won't get in trouble for that.

At some stage, I will be advertising. When my ship comes in, with the songs I'm writing. (I just hope it's not the Mary Celeste.) I'll be putting hundreds of thousands of pounds into billboard campaigns in London and New York. They will be quite simple. Probably just my face and a logo, like Doctor T. J. Eckleburg, staring at people. There'll be some internet ads, of course. But not too many. I want to reach an audience that doesn't necessarily read blogs. Maybe even an audience that is not interested in finance. So I will need some full-page newspaper ads. How much do they cost? £20,000, £40,000, £80,000? I will have to do some research. It's early days yet. I mean, I'm talking two or three years from now. I'm in no position to do it at the moment. As you know, my ship hasn't come in. (I just hope it's not the Titanic.)

The text for the newspaper ads will go something like this -

Did you know that money was the way? Still is, in fact.

Michael Fowke, the world's foremost financial shaman, invites you into a world of spirits and goblins [no, not goblins, I'll have to fix that] where anything is possible. Where the sun always shines, even at night. Where

No, that's crap. But I'm not going to employ a copywriter. I should be able to handle it myself. The sun always shines? Is that from a Prince song?

I'm not inspired this morning. It's pissing down with rain. What a horrible Monday! I'll leave the advert text. There's no rush. It's not as if my ship is anywhere to be seen. (I just hope it's not the Indianapolis.) But it will come in. I have faith.

'Gatsby believed in the green light, the orgiastic future that year by year recedes before us. It eluded us then, but that's no matter - tomorrow we will run faster, stretch out our arms farther ... And one fine morning -'

I've read The Great Gatsby five times [six times, 5/2/11]. If I'm Jay Gatsby, then Gillian is my Daisy. 'He knew that when he kissed this girl, and forever wed his unutterable visions to her perishable breath, his mind would never romp again like the mind of God.' We'll see.

As for my songs, I'm still having trouble with the 'Stacy-Marie' one. When I was seventeen (on my birthday, I think) I wrote five songs in one day. Now (approaching forty-two, Christ, I'm old) I can't write one song in three months. I've got to make a bigger commitment. After my blogging each day, after all my shamanic activities, I've got to work on my music. No lazing around, no watching TV. And I've got to reduce my sleep to four hours a night.

I've been living like a zombie for too long. Forty hours blogging a week? I'll do it! Floating on the astral plane? I'll be there! More reading? Definitely! The only Kafka I haven't read is his America. I'm taking that down next. Playing the guitar? Every spare moment! I may even buy a piano. I was always better on the piano, anyway. Songwriting? I need classics! Commercial tunes! Forget Dylan and Cohen. Think Monkees and Archies!

Anyone who knows me can hold me to this shit. If you see me slipping, have a word. Do it for me. Your love makes me stronger.