Monday, 10 January 2011

Goldman traders Ariel Roskis and Daniele Benatoff want me to be the CEO of their new hedge fund

Well, they haven't even set it up yet. It's all pie in the sky, if you ask me. But they've got a bit of money, $300 million from Brummer & Partners. Not bad. Ariel Roskis reckons he's going to be chief investment officer. Daniele [strange name for a lad] Benatoff reckons he's going to be head of research. It's nice to have a dream, ain't it? But they haven't got a chief operating officer. And they haven't got a chief executive. That's where I come into the picture.

Ariel Roskis phoned me this morning. This is what was spoken between us: 'Mikey, exciting news! (Yeah, what's that?) Come on, you've heard about the hedge fund. (What's it called?) What? (The hedge fund, Ariel. What's it called?) I don't know. We haven't got a name for it. (Yeah, great. Call me back when you're serious. I'm a busy man.) Oh, Mikey, don't be like that. We'll have a name soon. Brummer & Partners has put $300 million in. (Some people have got more money than sense.) So you don't want to be chief executive then? (Of some Mickey Mouse hedge fund that doesn't even have a name? Stop wasting my time.) You're a hard man, Michael. What will it take to convince you? We'll pay you top dollar. (What do you want me for? I ain't never been no chief executive of nothing. I couldn't run a hedge fund.) Man, you wouldn't have to run it. You would just be the frontman, to give us an air of respectability in the mystical community. With you on board we would have no trouble attracting the ghosts and the shamans and the goblins and the - (Hold the fucking phone! Did you say goblins?) Well, er, yeah. (I see. And what have goblins got to do with financial shamanism, the desert, the astral plane?) I don't know. (No, you don't know, Ariel, because you don't fucking think, do you?) Mikey! (I don't want to be CEO of your hedge fund.) Mikey! Please! I don't understand everything you're about. I don't know my aura from a hole in the ground. But I'm trying to learn. So's Daniele. You should hear him go on about you. It's Mikey this, Master that. He loves you, man. (What's the deal with his name?) Oh, that's a personal issue. Don't go there. (Fine.) So how about it? Chief executive. Michael Fowke, CEO of a hedge fund! Eh? (I'll think about it, Ariel.) You know it makes sense.'

Yeah, I'll think about it. They won't get this hedge fund off the ground, anyway.