Only someone who was really obsessed with parcels would say something like that. 'Who are we talking about, boss?' Ha! Who do you think? Jinksy - !!!
You know, Voice, I heard an interesting story about him. I mean, a lot of our obsessions begin in childhood, don't they? 'Yeah.' Well, Jinksy first got into parcels at a birthday party where all the kids were playing pass the parcel. 'Really?' Apparently, it was very traumatic for him because he was the last one holding the parcel with the last piece of wrapping paper to take off, BUT(!) ... it was an empty box. 'Oh no! Jesus!' It was a cruel trick, Voice. Ever since then, our Jinksy has been searching, searching ... for the ultimate parcel. You see, our Jinksy feels as empty as that very first parcel in his life.
Anyway ...
Shoppers may never return to the High Street after lockdown, warns the home delivery expert ParcelHero, as March ONS retail sales results show e-commerce sales rose 12.5% YOY in the wake of ... The Thing.
Yes, a bit of editing from me.
Today's Office of National Statistics (ONS) retail sales estimates for March have confirmed dire forecasts for the future of the High Street. The UK home delivery specialist ParcelHero predicted on 4 March, three weeks before the lockdown, that The Thing would result in online sales snatching a record amount of the overall retail market. ParcelHero claims this will significantly hasten the ongoing demise of the High Street unless drastic steps are taken by retailers.
And Jinksy says ...
Today's figures showed a massive -5.7% decline in the overall amount spent by shoppers compared to February, the steepest drop since the ONS started predicting figures. In contrast, online sales rose to grab 22.3% of all sales. ParcelHero's Head of Consumer Research, David Jinks MILT says: "The Thing will be an extinction level event for the High Street, wiping out many fashion and department store giants, unless brands embrace omnichannel - integrated High Street and online sales - as never before. The value of clothing sales in non-food stores crashed by -35.5% month-on-month, for example. Back in 2016, our report, Death of the High Street, predicted half of the UK's existing High Street businesses would collapse by 2030. With Animal, Oasis, Warehouse, Laura Ashley, BrightHouse, Cath Kidston and Debenhams all entering administration in recent days, we believe The Thing has simply hastened their demise."
Okay, okay. I'm not quoting all of the email. 'Just do the bopus bit, boss.' What?! 'Do the bopus bit.' Is that a new dance? 'No. Look -'
To stand any chance of fighting back, it's vital that remaining town centre stores embrace ideas such as BOPUS - buy online, pick up in store - to tempt footfall back into physical shops. They must also ensure shoppers are rewarded by offering a great experience, with knowledgeable staff and a range of amenities.
Okay, okay. Fair enough.
ENDS
...
Anything else? Right. Is there anything positive for me in the current situation with the music business, like? I think there is. No one can do gigs at the moment. Listen! I don't want to do gigs before getting a recording deal anyway, so ... 'Why not, Mikey?' It don't look good, man. I mean, a guy my age, trying to convince people he's a potential rock star in an almost empty bar or club. No! It's much better to go online with some of the greatest songs ever written, and take my chances that way.
And another thing. All the big stars are coming down to my level now. As I said, they can't do gigs. They're putting videos of themselves online, strumming guitars and singing their songs. But there is no one in the world better than me at the moment. 'Eh?!' Oh, better performers, sure. But it's the songs, man. It's the songs.
You dig?
...
Er ... lockdown? There seems to be loads more people in the street these days, laughing and joking about stuff.
I don't know.
Laters.
