Thursday, 16 September 2010

Brett Olsher is going to Goldman Sachs!

Not for a holiday. For the rest of his life! Or until he gets bored. But he won't get bored, will he? Not as a partner he won't. Yes, Goldman Sachs is making Brett Olsher a partner. He was a top M&A banker at Deutsche, for a while. Then Anshu Jain moved him to emerging markets. I guess he didn't like that. And I guess Goldman found out about his misery through one of its mystics. And the rest was history, as they say. Or it will be history, one day. The future isn't here yet. Mr Olsher joins Goldman in December. His appointment will have become a part of history by January. Let's wait until January. Then we'll speak of history. We have all the time in the cosmos, after all.

Now, this is where it gets dark. This is where I dive into a world of corruption and pure evil. Apologies to all the souls who have come here with a passion for blandness and superficiality. Do you want to be entertained? I am not your clown. This is not the website for you. You do not belong here. There are other places. Go to them. Don't come back.

O my children, [the brave ones who remain] I have heard terrible things about John Vaske. Who is John Vaske? Is that what you want to know? John Vaske is a master of evil! He is in league with the world's most demonic financier, Jack Pickles. And with Satan. He is on intimate terms with Satan. Bosom buddies, believe it or not. Why is this a problem? Well, unfortunately, Mr Vaske has somehow managed to infiltrate Goldman Sachs. I don't know how long he has been at the bank. I don't have all the details yet. Maybe he was a 'sleeper'. I don't know. A voice whispered in my ear only last night, and there is still more to hear. But the fact remains, Vaske is at the bank, and Mr Olsher will have to work with him. You see, they will both be heads together of the natural resources group. Someone (thing) at Goldman, with a sick sense of humour, has decided to throw them together. Yes, there is a demonic power, higher up at Goldman, pulling the strings. Vaske is a puppet. This power, oh, it may not have taken a human form. Could it be Jack Pickles, keeping an eye on his protege, John Vaske? [Just an eye that Jack plucked from the carcass of a jackal.] Could it be Satan, in the astral form of a raven? Is Mr Vaske even aware of this power? Actually, it is entirely possible that Mr Vaske does not fully understand what he has got himself involved in. Maybe he is not a master of evil at all. Just a searcher who has a taken a wrong turn. Maybe Jack and Satan approached him, crawling from behind the curtains of his bedroom. [Did he leave the window open, one summer night?] As stocking-clad women they could have writhed all over him while he slept! How could he have resisted that? In pleasurable dreams they would have taken him to hell! [O my children, there are sharks in every wave of pleasure!] Is Mr Vaske in too deep now? That's the question. And another question: will Brett Olsher get sucked in? Mr Olsher is my only concern, really. He is an innocent. I don't want to see him suffer.

Mr Olsher, (I hope you're reading this) I know you were miserable at Deutsche Bank, and I know you're excited at the prospect of becoming a Goldman partner, but maybe you should reconsider. Goldman may be for life, but hell is for all eternity.