Thursday, 15 December 2011

Antonio Horta-Osorio is bushy-tailed and raring to go

Raring to go! Next year, of course, after his holiday. But the good news is that Mr Horta-Osorio isn't a freakin' loon, like many thought he might be. No, the Lloyds chief executive is 100 per cent sane. In fact, he has never felt better. (He was only 90 per cent sane at his old best.) So, how was he transformed from a gibbering wreck (oh, he was a loon for a brief period) to a master of the universe? Did someone help him through his dark night of the soul? Well, I can now reveal that Antonio has been spending a bit of time with me. Yes, I put him up in the spare bedroom a couple of weeks ago. But all good things must come to an end. We're going out for a drink tonight, and then he'll return home.

Everyone knows about my troubles. I've had at least nineteen nervous breakdowns. That's why Antonio (and other stressed-out banker types) can relate to me. It's why Antonio approached me and asked for my help. He knew that if he spoke of visions of heaven and hell, I wouldn't stare at him with an expression of puzzlement mixed with abject fear. Much to my disappointment though, Antonio only spoke of how difficult it was at Lloyds - you know, boring bank stuff, sleepless nights, the hard work. No angels or demons! I was gutted. I almost kicked him out at one point. (He was talking about mortgages. Fucking mortgages!) So, this, er "dark night of the soul" was actually rather light. Compared to the shit I've been through anyway. Never mind. I still like him.