BASF chief Jurgen Hambrecht: teaching the banks a lesson

Jurgen Hambrecht, the chief executive of BASF, reckons people who work in banks are pretty stupid because they are not doing what BASF is doing. He says BASF is just wonderful at managing risk and keeping its products as simple as possible. Banks should follow BASF's example, apparently.

Well, BASF is a chemicals group. I'm quite sure that chemical products are completely different from complex banking products. Unless I'm missing something. I have been speaking to Susan Flint from Bad Moon Investments, and she says, 'Banking and chemicals? There's no connection! As far as I know, mystical workers haven't shown any interest in chemicals - except for Maurice Marble III, and he's nuts. Financial shamans and money mystics only work well in finance and banking. I can't explain why. I suppose Mr Hambrecht doesn't understand how banking has changed over the last year since Money is the Way came online. I wish these people would keep up.'

Yahoo: staff morale declining

Due to all the Microsoft takeover talk, staff morale at Yahoo is falling fast. So much so that Jerry Yang, the Yahoo chief executive, had to tell staff yesterday that other options were being considered. It seems Yahoo is scared of Microsoft, and of what the software giant may do to its vision and ethos if it gains control of the internet firm.

Well, I have no idea how this will all pan out - but let's concentrate on morale! Firstly, as soon as Yahoo employees turn up for work in the morning they should all be herded straight into the meditation room for a thirty-minute session. Clean out those chakras! Feel the mystic force of the cosmos! That is just common sense. I was shocked to find out yesterday that meditation sessions at Yahoo are not compulsory. Ridiculous. Jerry will have to make them compulsory if he wants to stop his company disappearing down the toilet. After meditation, what next? The desks where employees spend most of their day. You need crystals! A desk without at least one crystal is a desk that ain't going nowhere - mystically speaking. You need vibes! Vibes from the cosmos streaming into the crystal and then filling the whole workplace with pure love. Without that, any company - and I mean any company - is screwed. In this modern world where mystical capitalism is really taking off, you are lost unless you can get this love, these vibes, and the whole package working for you and your company.

Finally, Yahoo employees have to take responsibility for the state of their own souls. It's no good relying on Jerry the whole time. He may be the leader, but he can't see into everyone's soul, can he? Of course not - I'd be very surprised anyway. I can do that stuff, but then I'm me. So I say to all Yahoo employees - take a good look at yourself, be happy, don't worry too much about the Maharishi passing away (he wasn't all that), and trust in God.

The Maharishi is dead

As anyone involved in mystical capitalism knows, Maharishi Mahesh Yogi has died and presumably gone over to the other side. How do I feel about it? Well, it's sad when anyone dies, but I always considered the Maharishi a charlatan. Sure, he was a top capitalist - worth up to £1 billion - but still a charlatan.

I have been speaking to David Pitt - chief priest in the cult of Big Herb - and he said, 'This guy was about as spiritual as Yogi Bear, or my arsehole, or Yogi Bear's arsehole. I mean, give me a fucking break. This mofo took everyone for a big ride. He made hundreds of millions of dollars - nothing wrong with that - but where was the spirituality? At least with Big Herb you are guaranteed enlightenment, mystical power, and a whole load of cash. Big Herb had so much money he made the Maharishi look like a welfare case. And if anyone reading this wants to get rich, come and see me or one of my associates at one of our Big Herb temples. Money is just the start. You'll be flying around like a yogi motherfucker in no time with us. And I mean the real thing. Not bouncing up and down on a mattress like some halfwit. You'll be flying through the fucking air! And making a shitload of money while you're doing it. Who could want for more?'

It's the Year of the Rat, not Cat

The 48 Group held a dinner at the Grosvenor House hotel this week to celebrate the Chinese new year. Loads of business types were there, including a certain Ian Barlow who is a senior partner at KPMG. Unfortunately, Ian was going around wishing everyone a prosperous Year of the Cat. I suppose his heart was in the right place, but it is actually the Year of the Rat.

I have been speaking to Michael Oliver from Mystical Cash Gurus about this, and he said, 'Easy mistake to make. No doubt he was thinking of the Al Stewart song. I've been in a similar situation, but not with the Chinese. A couple of years back I attended a special meeting of the Finsbury Square Zombie Club. I was one of the guest speakers. Everything was going swimmingly until I wished everyone a happy Night of the Living Dead. I thought that was what they were celebrating. Well, the mood turned ugly. I now know that zombies working in finance and banking consider the Night of the Living Dead as a vulgar event. A stain on their culture. It was dreamt up by a couple of entrepreneurs in Haiti. Basically, these two guys were trying to cash in on the zombie craze. They're dead now. Died in mysterious circumstances. I nearly died in mysterious circumstances, I can tell you. One zombie approached me and threatened to suck my brain out through my nose. I was sceptical myself, but had to take him seriously, as he was so aggressive. But a stroke of luck - Dougie Smith, whom we all know and respect, appeared at that very moment. He was late for the meeting, but turned up just in time to save my skin. And who knows what would have happened to my skin? Do you know what I mean? Anyway, he calmed things down. I had to apologize to everyone, and it's all forgotten about now - hopefully. They're very touchy though, aren't they, these zombies?'

Brian Pitman: Northern Rock investors have to face reality

Sir Brian Pitman, the man leading Virgin's bid for Northern Rock, has said that a takeover of the bank will not mean that there will be a gravy train for the consortium. He says that investors in the bank have to face up to reality.

Ah yes, but what reality? There are many realities in this world, and the next. Should investors face the reality of nine-to-five life, taking the kids to school, fish and chips for dinner, and a silly sitcom on the TV? Or is there something else? Is there a deeper and more confusing reality beneath or above everyday life? Is Sir Brian a mystic? Is he alluding to the world of spirit? Is he saying that a ghost could very well be sitting next to you on the train in the morning? Is he saying that? Is he saying that you should light a candle before you make any investment decisions? Maybe he is saying that you should never trust a lonely old woman living all alone in a small cottage in the woods. Who knows what he is saying? Who cares?

Moody's wants to change the debt rating system

Moody's has got a great idea, apparently. It wants to rate complex debt securities with numbers rather than letters. Under this new system there would be grades from one to 21. Does it matter? Isn't any system confusing? Sometimes I feel so tired.

I must be a masochist because I phoned Keith Busby this morning and asked him for his opinion. He said, 'Forget about letters. Forget about numbers, my friend. What we need are mystical symbols. Symbols would separate the wheat from the chaff. A picture of the sun could be the top rating. Think of the sun and its beautiful rays of sunshine! Think of the warm glow inside you! As for corporate or government bonds, well, I don't know. How about a picture of a smiling hermit? A happy, smiling hermit! Just imagine that. There are endless possibilities. All it takes is a bit of imagination.'

Martin Currie: looking for weirdos and nutters

Martin Currie Investment Management has a recruitment advert in a newspaper today. Martin Currie reckons it is not the usual place for such an ad. The company claims it is not looking for the usual people. It wants to hire unusual people.

Well, what a breath of fresh air this is. At last a financial company has come out and honestly announced that it wants to employ financial shamans and money mystics. No more skulking around. No more emails to me in the middle of the night, shyly enquiring if I might possibly know a shaman or two who would be interested in sprinkling their magic in the direction of whatever firm. This is what we want to see! Bold as brass. A company practically screaming - give us your shamans, your mystics, your zombies and gods!

Martin Currie has to be careful though. It is highly unlikely that a recruitment manager inexperienced in the ways of the shaman would know what to look for. Instead of hiring top-notch pukka shamans and mystics, Angela Petrie at Martin Currie will probably find herself bringing in an assortment of oddballs, loners and freaks. I've seen it happen. When I was at Shaman Money Management the bosses decided to go on a big recruitment drive. The human resources girl was a nice girl, but she didn't have a clue. I tried to intervene. I advised caution. But the bosses wouldn't have it. They told me to keep my nose out and concentrate on my own department. So I did. You can guess what happened next. The biggest collection of nutballs, kooks, misfits, degenerates, junkies, whores, chancers, cads, ponces and muppets ever assembled in one place all assembled in the office of Shaman Money Management. The sort of people Terry-Thomas would call an absolute shower. The company went bust four months later. Let that be a warning to Martin Currie.

Tony Burke goes to Ansbacher

Tony Burke has moved from Citigroup to the private bank Ansbacher to be its head of product development. Brilliant news. I'm sure he'll do a good job.

However, I have been speaking to Maurice Marble III about Mr Burke's new position, and he is not at all happy. He told me, 'That should have been my job. They offered it to me first, but it didn't work out. I was there for one day. Ansbacher didn't approve of the products I was developing. Bastards. They didn't want my money machine. Are these people sick? Tell me, are they sick? I have invented a machine that materializes money, you know, cash. And not counterfeit moolah either. The real stuff! But they didn't want it. Oh no, not them. Ansbacher wanted to know where the money was materializing from. I told them straight. I said it's nothing to do with them where the fucking money is coming from. Jesus! Money is money. Just be grateful that money is coming in. Or do you want to end up on the street begging strangers for change with snot all over your raincoat? That's what I actually asked them. And then they said I was immoral. Me! The balls of these people. Everyone knows what a racket the banking system is. I was just trying to turn it into a bigger and better one, that's all. But I'm immoral now! Unemployable as well, no doubt. What a fucking world this is! Can you believe it? Can you believe the shit I have to put up with?'

Fear and loathing in the Merrill Lynch fixed-income department

It's bonus time in the City and most bankers have something to smile about - despite the credit crunch. But the word on the street is that all is not well in Merrill Lynch's fixed-income department. Some characters there have seen a cut in their bonus, and workers in other departments have been told not to venture into fixed income.

I know a financial shaman at Merrill - I can't name him - and he told me, 'Everyone in my part of the bank was egging me on to go into the fixed-income department. They know I'm good at astral travel - and so wouldn't be seen. Well, I gave it my best shot but somehow ended up in the ladies toilet. Really embarrassing. People have to understand that astral projection is not an exact science.'

Goldman Sachs: at the mercy of Jack Pickles?

This is all rather serious, but there is absolutely no need to panic. I have been tipped off that the demonic financier Jack Pickles is planning to recruit up to 286 Goldman Sachs managing directors. I have compiled a list of these directors below. None of them are financial shamans or money mystics, but Jack feels that they are susceptible to his charms. He is hoping to train them in the dark arts.

Can anything be done to stop Jack Pickles? Well, maybe. I have adapted a curse from Magnus's Book of Money Curses which may help. If you are one of the directors on the list, I advise you to recite the following before bedtime every night -

O Jack Pickles, if you come near me, if you even think of coming near me, you will burn! Yes, burn, burn in the pit, with all your confederates, the sick angels. O mad Jack, there is no hope for you. Michael Fowke will protect me. Big Herb will protect me. You're going to lose. Go away, Jack. Flee!

Here's the list: John P. Curtin Jr, Richard A. Friedman, David A. Viniar, Armen A. Avanessians, Gary D. Cohn, J. Michael Evans, Peter S. Kraus, Edward C. Forst, Timothy J. Ingrassia, Richard T. Ong, David R. Boles, Matthew S. Darnall, Laurie R. Ferber, Audrey A. McNiff, J. Michael Sanders, Matthew T. Fremont-Smith, Robert D. Hormats, Geraldine F. McManus, Ravi Sinha, Steven H. Strongin, Eileen Rominger, Dean C. Backer, Alision L. Bott, Jeffrey F. Fastov, Bruce A. Heyman, Ivan Ross, Jack Levy, Mark F. Dehnert, William A. Badia, Tin Hsien Tan, Timothy H. Thornton, Ingrid C. Tierens, Nadia Titarchuk, Mark R. Tolette, Patrick M. Tribolet, Sebastian Varga von Kibed, Massimiliano Veneziani, Nicholas H. von Moltke, Alan S. Wilmit, Carinne S. Withey, Salvatore T. Lentini, David N. Frechette, Khaled Eldabag, Leonard Brooks III, Keith Tuffley, Alla Gil, Ana C. Cabral, Dina H. Powell, Anthony Gutman, Miriam T. Esteve, Patrick Tassin de Nonneville, David M. Inggs, Shirish B. Godbole, Jonathan R. Symonds, David R. Cukierman, Andrea Vella, Karl J. Robijns, Timothy Callahan, Markus L. Aakko, Nicholas Alston, Alexandra J. Anido, Jean-Baptiste Aussourd, Brian W. Bolster, C. Kane Brenan, Michael A. Cagnassola, Christian Channell, Yves Checoury, Remi Colinmaire, Gavin S. Da Cunha, Bruno P. De Kegel, Jeffrey L. Dodge, Andrew J. Duke, Jonathan M. Egol, Halil Emecen, David A. Fox, Maksim Gelfer, Tamilla F. Ghodsi, Marc C. Gilly, Douglas Horlick, Toby C. Watson, Han Song Zhu, Pekka I. Soininen, Michael T. Smith, Heather Arnold, Tuan Lam, Jess T. Fardella, Kristin F. Gannon, Jonathan M. Penkin, Craig W. Packer, Kevin A. Lockhart, Massimo Della Ragione, David Z. Alter, Oliver B. Benkert, Joshua S. Birnbaum, Emmanuel Bresson, William E. Burgess, Trevor R. Busche, Roy E. Campbell II, Steven N. Cho, Timothy Craighead, Joshua C. Critchley, Tracy DeBlieck, Michael Dinias, Vance M. Duigan, Steve T. Elia, David A. Friedland, Paul Graves, Norman A. Hardie, Ericka T. Horan, Kathleen Jack, Edward C. Knight, David W. Lang, Alexander G. Loosley, David B. Ludwig, Aedan M. MacGreevy, Jeff Mullen, Hideyuki Fred Omokawa, Zara Pratley, Lloyd S. Reynolds, Michael E. Ronen, Ricardo Salaman, Thierry Sancier, Ian M. Schmidek, Stephen B. Scobie, Judith L. Shandling, Graham P. Shaw, Steven R. Sher, Ramsey D. Smith, Robert A. Sorrell, Konstantinos N. Pantazopoulos, Kenneth A. Pontarelli, Vijay C. Popat, J. Timothy Romer, John R. Sawtell, Mark D. Shattan, Adam Sherman, Keith A. Shultis, Norborne G. Smith III, Robert C. Spofford, Joseph J. Struzziery III, Adam L. Taetle, J. David Tracy, Damian J. Valentino, Pei Pei Yu, R. Martin Chavez, Atosa Moini, Dorothee Blessing, Marshall Smith, James C. Wardlaw, Mark A. Allen, Jeffrey D. Barnett, Patricia L. Bowden, Oonagh T. Bradley, Samuel S. Britton, Steve M. Bunkin, Jason G. Cahilly, Denis P. Coleman III, Carl Faker, Peter E. Finn, James P. Ganley, Michelle Gill, Alicia K. Glen, Martin Hintze, Todd Hoffman, Bradley Hunt, Dimitrios Kavvathas, Hideki Kinuhata, Geoffrey C. Lee, Lindsay P. LoBue, Bryan P. Mix, Timothy A. Morgan, Basant Nanda, Peter J. Ort, Andrew D. Richard, David T. Rusoff, Jasper Tans, Eric N. Tavel, Simone Verri, Paul E. Vigilante, Simon I. Mansfield, Matthew B. McLennan, Bruce H. Mendelsohn, Marc O. Nachmann, Claire M. Ngo, Andrew F. Pyne, Jean Raby, Daniel M. Shefter, Claudia Spiess, Roland W. Tegeder, Neil J. Wright, Sheila H. Patel, Gareth W. Bater, Marjorie Boliscar, Sally A. Boyle, Randall S. Burkert, Colin J. Corgan, David H. Dase, Colleen A. Foster, Timur F. Galen, Mark Howard-Johnson, James P. Kenney, Robert A. Koort, Jonathan A. Langer, Aadarsh K. Malde, Dermot W. McDonogh, Olivier F. Meyohas, Anthony J. Noto, Lisa L. Parisi, Krishna S. Rao, Peter J. Zangari, Alan M. Cohen, Jane Hargreaves, Linnea K. Conrad, Gregory B. Carey, Slim C. Bentami, James R. Charnley, Karl M. Devine, Laurent M. Dupeyron, Paul E. Germain, Robyn A. Huffman, Alastair J. Hunt, Poir-Mok Kee, Scott G. Kolar, Wayne M. Leslie, Kemp J. Lewis, John S. Lindfors, Christopher Milner, Elizabeth A. Mily, Kiele E. Neas, Peter H. Comisar, Brahm S. Cramer, Michael D. Daffey, Donald J. Duet, Norman Feit, David P. Hennessey, Roy R. Joseph, Todd W. Leland, Bonnie S. Litt, Joseph Longo, Mark G. Machin, Blake W. Mather, Robert A. McTamaney, Fergal J. O'Driscoll, B. Andrew Rabin, Lisa M. Shalett, Lucas van Praag, Brian Duggan, Alison J. Mass, William J. Bannon, Linda S. Daines, David A. Fishman, Orit P. Freedman, Enrico S. Gaglioti, Sean C. Hoover, Eric S. Lane, Robert A. Mass, George N. Mattson, Julian R. Metherell, Helen Paleno, Sara E. Recktenwald, Abraham Shua, Raymond B. Strong III, David H. Voon, Timothy H. Moe, Gene Reilly, Charles Baillie, Bernardo Bailo, Johannes M. Boomaars, J. Theodore Borter, Gerald J. Cardinale, Craig W. Crossman, Stephen D. Daniel, Kathy G. Elsesser, Gail S. Fierstein, Gonzalo R. Garcia, Eldridge F. Gray, Axel Hoerger, Shin Horie, Joon Kwun, Lewis S. Kunkel, Edward J. Lawrence, Nicole Martin, Dave S. Park, Sean D. Rice, Jeroen Rombouts, Michael L. Warren.