Ganesh gives Barclays the go-ahead in India

The wealth management division of Barclays has just been given permission by Ganesh the elephant god to open a private bank in India. Wonderful news!

I have been speaking to Ganesh, and he told me, 'I like the attitude of the people at Barclays. Tom Kalaris approached me with humility. He knows how powerful a god I am, and he knows the meaning of the word: respect. He's good people. I hope to have a very fruitful working relationship with him and his staff.'

Joseph Stecher goes to Morgan Stanley

Morgan Stanley Alternative Investment Partners has appointed Joseph Stecher as its chief investment officer for its real estate funds of funds business. Congratulations Joe! He joins from Goldman Sachs where he managed the holy funds of the righteous funds.

Tisbury Capital withdrawals

I don't like to see this sort of thing, Mr Griffin, but I'm afraid I can't help you.

Dear reader, let me explain. Investors in Tisbury Capital are crawling over each other to withdraw their money (£670 million) from the London-based hedge fund's assets under management because of some screw-up in the States. And now Gerard Griffin - the former Citadel trader who runs Tisbury - wants me to put a 'diabolical curse on these investors'. His exact words.

Gerard, mate, who do you think I am, Jack Pickles? I only do curses on very special occasions, normally for close friends who are desperate for my help. Yes, I tried to help Drake Management at the beginning of January when it found itself in a similar situation - but I have spent time in the desert with four or five of the Drake guys and we're good friends. With respect, Gerard, I hardly know you. Besides, I don't want to get a reputation for black magic.

So, sorry, mate. I know how troublesome investors can be - they wet their pants at the slightest bit of bad news. Hopefully, they will see sense. Good luck to you.

Liontrust Asset Management not worried by fund falls

Funds managed by Liontrust Asset Management have fallen by almost a fifth during the past twelve months. Apparently, institutional investors are worried about the recent market turmoil and would rather put their money in index funds. But Liontrust - specializing in UK equities - is not worried. The group's finance director, Vinay Abrol, is confident of attracting new business.

And I know why. I know Vinay quite well - we spent some time together in the desert, oh, years ago now. He's a well-respected financial shaman, and he's not going to be worried about market turmoil. I wouldn't be at all surprised if was on the astral plane as I write this, searching for new deals, financial info, and the ghosts of ancient financiers. That's the kind of man he is. I take my hat off to you, Vinay.

Market heal itself?

Josef Ackermann, chief executive of Deutsche Bank, said last week that he no longer believes in the market's self-healing power. Why not? Because he believes in something else now.

He believes in the power of shamans and mystics! He knows the market can't heal itself. The market needs mystical healing. O markets of the world, bring the light and the power of Big Herb into the market place. O bankers, O traders, you are the chosen ones, and Ganesh loves you just as much as Big Herb does. Rejoice! And behold the money king! Yes, I, Michael Fowke, am the money king, and I will lead you from misery to joy. I laugh at the credit crunch - it's nothing to me! A nightmare we shall all wake from. But the vision of the holy cash will live on and grow in our hearts. Have no fear. Cry not. A mystical burning will take hold of us soon, and we will make so much money. It's coming!

Citigroup management committee: save our souls!

My very dear friend Vikram Pandit has been on the phone to me, and he's scared. Real scared. It's the credit crunch, it's sub prime, it's Jack Pickles. Well, he wants me to bestow some kind of mystical blessing upon Citi's management committee. I said to him, 'Vikram, mate, let's not get ahead of ourselves here, what about the church of your love?' He came back with, 'The church of my love ain't shit right now. I need you, I need Big Herb, I may even need Ganesh the elephant god.' I was shocked. I said, 'Jesus Christ.' He said, 'Yeah, him too. We've got to get Jesus on board.' I said, 'Oh come on, Jesus won't be interested in this deal - remember the money lenders? It ain't happening. Big Herb, Ganesh, and myself will be all you need. What are you so worried about?' He calmed down a bit, 'All right, all right, but just do the blessing for us, please.'

Okay, you bad banking mofos, here it comes!

Big Herb smiles upon Eric W. Aboaf, Yasmine D. Anavi, Raul Anaya, Jeff Applegate, Shirish Apte, Cindy A. Armine, William A. Arnold, Vikram A. Atal, George Awad, Suneel Bakhshi, Ajay Banga, Bill Beckmann.

Ganesh is burning a candle for Stephen Bird, Sir Win Bischoff, Nicholas E. Calio, Don Callahan, Lisa M. Caputo, Sanjeeb Chaudhuri, Mark Connolly, Michael L. Corbat, Gary Crittenden, Julio A. De Quesada, John L. Donnelly, Ellen 'Bebe' Duke, Edmond Eger III, Augusto Escalante Juanes.

Michael Fowke says a little prayer for Pamela P. Flaherty, James A. Forese, Jane Fraser, Steven J. Freiberg, Scott Freidenrich, Michael B. G. Froman, Paul S. Galant, James M. Garnett Jr, Ed Garofalo, Richard Garside, John C. Gerspach, Edith Ginsberg, Edward F. Greene, Yung-Ku Ha.

Big Herb explodes in an ecstasy of mystical love for Paul M. Hatch, John Havens, Gary P. Hediger, Michael S. Helfer, Roberto Hiriart, Bonnie L. Howard, George M. James, C. P. Janardhan, Bill Johnson, Leah C. Johnson, Charles D. Johnston, Lewis B. Kaden, Sunil Kaul.

Ganesh is dreaming of better times for Kevin Kessinger, Nayan Kisnadwala, Michael Klein, Peter Knitzer, Sallie L. Krawcheck, John Krupar, Marisa Lago, Jonathan Larsen, Brian Leach, Robin Leopold, Kaven Leung, Carl E. Levinson, Jacob J. Lew, John T. Longley, Nick Lyall.

Michael Fowke is rocking on the astral plane for Alan S. MacDonald, Gustavo Marin, Maura Markus, Howard D. Marsh, Mark Mason, Les Matheson, Robert S. Matthews, Mary McDowell, Raymond J. McGuire, Manuel Medina-Mora, William J. Mills, Robert Morse, Sanjay Nayar, Vikram Pandit, Steffen W. Parratt.

Big Herb goes to hell and back for Douglas L. Peterson, Fernando Quiroz Robles, Amy J. Radin, Guru Ramakrishnan, Steve Randich, Kathryn S. Reimann, Bill Rhodes, Saul M. Rosen, Robert E. Rubin, Pat Ryan, Neeraj Sahai, Michael Schlein, Tom Schwartz.

Ganesh tells Lakshmi to pull her finger out for Yawar Shah, Deepak Sharma, Michael J. Sharp, Jane C. Sherburne, Zion Shohet, Slawomir S. Sikora, David Simon, Sheree Stomberg, Kevin Thurm, Alain Van Groenendael, Alexander G. van Tienhoven, Francesco Vanni d'Archirafi, Chris Vassiliades, Alberto J. Verme.

Michael Fowke puts a curse on Jack Pickles on behalf of Cliff Verron, Stephen R. Volk, Catherine Weir, Michael D. Weitzman, Martin J. Wong, Paco Ybarra, Shengman Zhang, Enrique Zorrilla Fullaondo.

HBOS: the hunt is on!

Watch out! Low life City traders have been spreading false rumours about Halifax Bank of Scotland. Shares in the bank fell by more than 17 per cent yesterday after the rumours went around - claiming that the bank was seeking emergency funding and was about to collapse. The Daily Mail says (on its front page!) that one trader may have made £100 million from the fall in HBOS shares.

Well, well, well. Okay, calm down. Have no fear - because award-winning financial psychic Keith Busby is on the case. He told me this morning (rather hysterically, as it happens), 'Oh, I'm gonna get these motherfuckers, these badass rumour-mongers. I'm gonna hunt them down like dogs, and bring them to justice. You better believe it, baby. I'm like Dirty Harry. I'm like, er, what's his name, Steven Seagal. Oh yes, this time it's personal. I got my crystal ball out. I got my tarot cards ready to rock. Mark my words. They won't escape me. I want them. I want them so bad I can taste 'em.'

David Viniar and the radar screen

The chief financial officer of Goldman Sachs, David Viniar, has said that a takeover of Bear Stearns was never on their radar screen. Goldman is happy for JPMorgan to own the bank. So be it. But what about this radar?

I have been speaking to Maurice Marble III - my somewhat confused adviser on all matters scientific - and he told me, 'Yeah, I invented that radar for Goldman Sachs. But the bastards still haven't paid me. I sent them an invoice for $1 million. I haven't seen one fucking cent of it! This radar is a work of genius - even if I do say so myself. It can pick up any hot financial news in the world. I'm a bit concerned it didn't pick up Bear Stearns though. My guess is that Goldman is not using the thing correctly. They may be wizards when it comes to making money, but they don't have a clue about complex electronic equipment. That's why they need me. But they won't even fucking pay me! I'm at the end of my tether.'

Well, I was angry about Goldman not paying my friend, so I got in touch with the bank. I was told, 'We have never heard of this Maurice Marble III. David Viniar was speaking metaphorically.'

I should have known. That's the last time I let Maurice make a fool out of me.

Guy Hands: everyone's going to the moon

The Terra Firma boss Guy Hands has been talking about how he and his company may leave the country - due to higher taxes on capital gains and non-domiciled residents. But where will he go?

I have been speaking to the ghost of Jim Morrison - one of Guy's closest friends - and he told me, 'I live on the moon. It's very quiet up here and the view is fantastic. I've told Guy that he just has to move all his business to the moon. There is absolutely no tax - that's the beauty of it. And I, Jimi and Janis would make him feel very welcome. The thing I like about Guy is his rock 'n' roll spirit. You don't get many financiers like him. Britain's loss would be the moon's gain.'

Chaos in the markets

O Big Herb, where art thou? Why hast thou forsaken us?

That's what I overheard one banker say yesterday. I told him to pull himself together, grow up, and start speaking proper, modern English. Some people! Big Herb has not forsaken us. He's on the astral plane right now, working his balls off and trying to bring some stability to the markets. Have a bit of faith. Has Big Herb ever let us down in the past? No.

But the markets are in a right state. Bear Stearns has gone down the toilet, Lehman Brothers lost 48.5 per cent of its value at one point yesterday (19 per cent at close), MF Global has been forced to deny rumours that Joseph Lewis is a client, the Fed may need to make another interest rate cut (it can't keep cutting), UBS … oh, it's chaos!

BUT I AM STAYING POSITIVE.

I AM THE MONEY KING. I CAN DO ANYTHING.

BELIEVE IN ME. BELIEVE IN BIG HERB. BELIEVE IN YOURSELF.