Wednesday, 19 March 2008

David Viniar and the radar screen

The chief financial officer of Goldman Sachs, David Viniar, has said that a takeover of Bear Stearns was never on their radar screen. Goldman is happy for JPMorgan to own the bank. So be it. But what about this radar?

I have been speaking to Maurice Marble III - my somewhat confused adviser on all matters scientific - and he told me, 'Yeah, I invented that radar for Goldman Sachs. But the bastards still haven't paid me. I sent them an invoice for $1 million. I haven't seen one fucking cent of it! This radar is a work of genius - even if I do say so myself. It can pick up any hot financial news in the world. I'm a bit concerned it didn't pick up Bear Stearns though. My guess is that Goldman is not using the thing correctly. They may be wizards when it comes to making money, but they don't have a clue about complex electronic equipment. That's why they need me. But they won't even fucking pay me! I'm at the end of my tether.'

Well, I was angry about Goldman not paying my friend, so I got in touch with the bank. I was told, 'We have never heard of this Maurice Marble III. David Viniar was speaking metaphorically.'

I should have known. That's the last time I let Maurice make a fool out of me.