Credit Suisse will be unveiling its plan today to replicate hedge fund strategies. It has teamed up with three top academics and it will launch three clones. Other investment banks such as Goldman Sachs and Merrill Lynch have launched hedge fund clones in the last year or so. Obviously, it is much cheaper to invest in these clones than the real thing - but are they even better than the real thing? And I don't even like U2.
I have been speaking to my adviser on all matters scientific, Maurice Marble III, and he told me, 'Forget about these hedge fund clones. Cloning bankers is the future! I've been keeping quiet about it so far, but listen to this - for the last four months I have been holding secret talks with Barclays Capital, and the bank has now commissioned me to clone a sample - say a dozen - of its best investment bankers. Bob Diamond personally gave me the green light. If I can get this right, the world will be my oyster. There is a very good chance Bob will want me to clone all his staff. These are very exciting times. We're entering a brave new world.'
Well, dear reader, you have to take everything Maurice says with a pinch of salt - so after speaking with him I was straight on the phone to Bob Diamond. He told me, 'Absolutely ridiculous. This Maurice character has been pestering us for ages, so I decided to meet up with him and hear him out. What he suggested was unbelievable. He wants to clone our workforce. He reckons we wouldn't have to pay these clones a penny. They would be our slaves. I told him to piss off.'
I have been speaking to my adviser on all matters scientific, Maurice Marble III, and he told me, 'Forget about these hedge fund clones. Cloning bankers is the future! I've been keeping quiet about it so far, but listen to this - for the last four months I have been holding secret talks with Barclays Capital, and the bank has now commissioned me to clone a sample - say a dozen - of its best investment bankers. Bob Diamond personally gave me the green light. If I can get this right, the world will be my oyster. There is a very good chance Bob will want me to clone all his staff. These are very exciting times. We're entering a brave new world.'
Well, dear reader, you have to take everything Maurice says with a pinch of salt - so after speaking with him I was straight on the phone to Bob Diamond. He told me, 'Absolutely ridiculous. This Maurice character has been pestering us for ages, so I decided to meet up with him and hear him out. What he suggested was unbelievable. He wants to clone our workforce. He reckons we wouldn't have to pay these clones a penny. They would be our slaves. I told him to piss off.'
