Monday 2 March 2009

Berger Lahnstein Middelhof & Partners: channelling the deal flow

Channelling the deal flow? That doesn't even begin to describe what these crazy cats (or one crazy cat, anyway) are getting up to. Berger Lahnstein Middelhof & Partners is a new London-based investment company which is looking for money-making opportunities in Germany. Well, each to their own. But that is not what interests me. What interests me is one of the founders of this new firm, Florian Lahnstein. Flo told a newspaper: 'We want to be flexible and nimble and channel the deal flow.'

Yeah, sure he does. Sure that's what Flo really wants to do.

I have been speaking to award-winning financial psychic Keith Busby, and this is what he had to say on the matter: 'Channelling the deal flow? Get the fuck outta here! Flexible and nimble, yeah, okay, I can accept that; but I ain't buying this channelling the deal flow shit. I know for a fact that Mr Lahnstein is actually planning to channel the spirits of dead financiers. (Surely not the ghosts of the dead financiers, Keith?) The very same. And the funny thing is, his partners aren't in on it. They don't have a clue what Flo is getting involved in. (Jesus! You mean they are not all in it together?) No. Flo is going it alone. Roland Berger and Thomas Middelhof are completely in the dark. (Fuck me!) I know. Absolutely hilarious. (But does Flo have any training in financial shamanism or spirit-channelling or anything?) No. He's going to make a complete mess of it. (Does he have a spirit operator/guide?) No, Mikey. (Oh, this just gets better.) What do you think Roland and Thomas will do when they find out?'

Well, after speaking to Keith, I was straight on the phone to Roland Berger. The following conversation took place (I'm in italics) -

Hello, Roland Berger speaking. (Hi, Roland, mate. This is Michael Fowke.) The world's foremost financial shaman? (Yeah.) Wow! This is an honour. But why are you calling me? (There's a problem with one of your business partners, Florian Lahnstein.) What problem? (You know he's talking about channelling, don't you?) Yeah, channelling the deal flow; what's wrong with that? (No, Roland, mate, he's going to be channelling spirits. The ghosts of the dead financiers, to be exact.) Michael, is this a joke? (I'm sorry, Roland, but I'm serious.) But Flo has no experience of - (Roland, listen, the ghosts will eat him for breakfast. They don't take kindly to amateurs dabbling with things not of this world.) I'll speak to him, Michael. (Really?) Yes. This could wreck the company before it has even taken off. I'll speak to him. Tell him to pack it in. (Oh, good on you, Roland. It will be a massive weight off my mind.) Cheers, Mike. Thank you for this. I owe you one. (Laters, Roland.)

All's well that ends well.