Thursday, 7 February 2008

Yahoo: staff morale declining

Due to all the Microsoft takeover talk, staff morale at Yahoo is falling fast. So much so that Jerry Yang, the Yahoo chief executive, had to tell staff yesterday that other options were being considered. It seems Yahoo is scared of Microsoft, and of what the software giant may do to its vision and ethos if it gains control of the internet firm.

Well, I have no idea how this will all pan out - but let's concentrate on morale! Firstly, as soon as Yahoo employees turn up for work in the morning they should all be herded straight into the meditation room for a thirty-minute session. Clean out those chakras! Feel the mystic force of the cosmos! That is just common sense. I was shocked to find out yesterday that meditation sessions at Yahoo are not compulsory. Ridiculous. Jerry will have to make them compulsory if he wants to stop his company disappearing down the toilet. After meditation, what next? The desks where employees spend most of their day. You need crystals! A desk without at least one crystal is a desk that ain't going nowhere - mystically speaking. You need vibes! Vibes from the cosmos streaming into the crystal and then filling the whole workplace with pure love. Without that, any company - and I mean any company - is screwed. In this modern world where mystical capitalism is really taking off, you are lost unless you can get this love, these vibes, and the whole package working for you and your company.

Finally, Yahoo employees have to take responsibility for the state of their own souls. It's no good relying on Jerry the whole time. He may be the leader, but he can't see into everyone's soul, can he? Of course not - I'd be very surprised anyway. I can do that stuff, but then I'm me. So I say to all Yahoo employees - take a good look at yourself, be happy, don't worry too much about the Maharishi passing away (he wasn't all that), and trust in God.