Thursday, 31 July 2008

John Mack spots historic recruitment chance

Oh yeah? I see it differently myself. And you're thinking now: Well, Michael, you would see it differently because you're a goddamn screwball. No I'm not.

What's this all about? The chairman and chief executive of Morgan Stanley, Johnny Mack, has told all his mates at the bank that the credit crunch is a historic opportunity to recruit bankers, traders, and risk managers. Well, ain't that nice? But not one mention of financial shamans or money mystics. What is wrong with this guy? Is he living in the past? Hasn't he heard of mystical capitalism?

I have been speaking to Arthur Simmons, and he told me, 'Chill out, Michael. There is nothing to worry about. Everything is beautiful. John will be hiring some shamans and mystics. He just ain't letting the whole world know about it, that's all. I have a very good source at Morgan Stanley, and she gave me John's exact words on the matter. Apparently, he said: We've got to bring these shamans and mystics in through the back door. My concern is that we don't scare all the straights and squares we've got working for us. So you see, Mack is on the ball. But he's playing it safe.'

I'll believe it when I see it.

Wednesday, 30 July 2008

Thomson Reuters: intelligent information finds you

Intelligent information finds you. Ordinary information can't think for itself. But intelligent information burns like a hot bastard shaman in the desert with peyote swirling in a head of fire!

This is the knowledge we need to act! No shit. O Big Herb, O Ganesh (beautiful elephant), O ghosts of the dead financiers, O my children, my brothers, my sisters, Thomson Reuters has seen the light! But will it burn in the astral desert of our dreams? Your guess is as good as mine.

Too late! Too late! Thomson Reuters will never catch us now. It don't have the expertise, man! These muthas can't get us in the desert. We are the chosen ones. O my children, my holy brothers, my weird mystic sisters, we are ahead of the game!

Silence. Silence in the desert, my children. Can you feel the wind? Can you feel the love? I am that wind. I am that love. I am everything. I am all you need. I am the master of reality!

Tuesday, 29 July 2008

Naguib Kheraj

What we cannot speak about we must pass over in silence.

Silence.

May Naguib stay forever young. O Big Herb bestow a blessing upon –

No, silence.

Silence.

Silence.

Merrill Lynch: new cash call and writedowns

What we cannot speak about we must pass over in silence.

As I'm still suffering from Shaman's Sickness, I'm really not in the mood for writing about John Thain and his problems at Merrill. But you can help him, dear reader.

Get a picture of John. Cut it out from a newspaper. Or maybe you already have a picture of John on your desk - not impossible; there are some funny people about.

Now meditate on the picture. Silence. Think nice things about John. Silence. Wish him all the best. Silence.

Silence.

Monday, 28 July 2008

David Einhorn is waiting for …

What is David Einhorn waiting for? Is he waiting for the day when everyone in the world of finance and banking worships Big Herb? No. Okay, is he waiting for a sign, a message from the astral plane, that he should go into the desert and become one with the cosmos? Afraid not. Rather disappointingly, Mr Einhorn is waiting for further price falls for distressed debt. Yeah, he wants to invest in distressed debt. It takes all sorts to make a world.

I have been speaking to Arthur Simmons about Mr Einhorn, and he is absolutely furious. He told me, 'This is bullshit. Absolute bullshit. David once enrolled at my college, do you know that? He stayed about two or three days, before exclaiming: I ain't interested in all this voodoo shit. Then we never saw him again. That's the kind of man we're dealing with. He doesn't have a mystical or spiritual bone in his body. So it comes as no surprise to me that his main concern in life is waiting for the price of distressed debt to fall. Actually, I feel sorry for the guy. I really do. Imagine being him! Imagine not knowing about Big Herb or Ganesh. Imagine never experiencing the burning of money. He has never felt the flames inside him. It's a sad life. Let him keep his distressed debt. I hope he's happy.'

Friday, 25 July 2008

What we cannot speak about we must pass over in silence

I have no words today. I feel empty. This Shaman's Sickness. As cold as the wind. I am the wind in the desert. I am the fire in a banker's eyes. Words, words, words. I cannot express anything. Today I am beyond words. I am a mystic. Silence.

Silence.

Thursday, 24 July 2008

Malcolm Calvert: insider dealing?

A former Cazenove partner, Malcolm Calvert, will appear in court today. He is accused by the FSA of insider dealing! Now, I don't know if he is innocent or guilty. All I will say is that he is a known associate of the demonic financier Jack Pickles. Make of that what you will.

Mr Calvert would not speak to some newspaper when it phoned him. Surprise, surprise. But he would speak to me. I get all the scoops, me. Mal said, 'I don't know no Jack Pickles. I've had no dealings with no Jack Pickles. I don't know shit, do you understand? What, you think I'm crazy? You think if I knew any Jack Pickles I would tell anyone? Are you out of your fucking mind? I don't know Jack. He don't know me. I've never met him. I've never worked for him. I've never been to his house in the Cayman Islands. Shit! Why won't you people leave me alone? Who is this? Is this Jack now? Am I speaking to Jack Pickles? Fuck!'

He then hung up the phone. Bloody hell. Is this guy paranoid or what? He's certainly scared. Real scared. But I reckon he will be okay. Jack looks after his people. Yeah, he's an evil bastard, but you can't say he doesn't look after his people. Actually, it is Jack Pickles the FSA should be going after. I wonder what the problem is. Is the FSA scared of him?

Wednesday, 23 July 2008

Shaman's Sickness

Let me tell you about Shaman's Sickness.

It takes you to the edge of death. The money burns so brightly that you feel you are going insane. Visions take you over. You see the Grim Reaper. He smiles at you. You cannot go to your doctor. He will just laugh at you. This is the pain. It comes to the great ones. More than once, and worse than the first time.

I have this pain today. Laters.

Tuesday, 22 July 2008

Michael Klein quits Citigroup

Michael Klein, one of the top dogs at Citigroup, has decided to leave the bank. Mr Klein was an important player at Citi - helping it to raise billions of dollars from sovereign wealth funds to cover credit-related losses. But what will he do now?

I have been speaking to Mike, and he told me, 'I've had it up to here with corporate life. Where is the love? Yeah, I'm finished. I need to get away. I was reading your post last week about peace and love in the desert, and it gave me an idea - why don't I become a financial shaman? I'm still young. So that's what I'm doing. I'm going into the desert. I want to find something deep within myself, and deep within the cosmos, that will give my life meaning. I want to feel the burning. I've made a lot of money in my time, but I've never felt the burning. I need to feel the burning now. There is such a hunger in me. I'm so empty. The fire will fill me up.'

I hope he finds what he's looking for. Good luck, Mike.

Monday, 21 July 2008

Work for dole!

Are British politicians the biggest bunch of wankers in the world? Are they the most disgusting scum-sucking cretins alive? Er, yes. Sure, it's okay for them to live off the taxpayer. It's okay for them to claim outrageous expenses. But now they want unemployed people to work for a fraction of the minimum wage. Doing what? Sweeping the streets in fucking chain gangs! I thought this was a socialist government.

As you know, dear reader, I am not a socialist. I despise socialism. But this work for dole nonsense that James Purnell is going on about will be a disaster. Who wants to be a slave? It's like the Gulag fucking archipelago this shit is! Unemployed people will just turn to crime - certainly, the ones with any self-respect will. My concern is: it will give capitalism an even worse reputation. Britain ain't a Third World country, not yet anyway. I want to see respectable capitalism, not slavery.

I am feeling so fucking satanic tonight. Jack Pickles ain't got nothing on me tonight. Who is this James Purnell goofball? Who the fuck is he?

Friday, 18 July 2008

Peace and love

Peace in the desert, and love. Let's run away! I want to run away.

And hide in the desert.

Let's float on the astral plane. Let's fly through the cosmos. Let's get away.

Money will follow us. Money won't leave us alone.

But we shall burn with money. Peyote fire!

Thursday, 17 July 2008

Merrill Lynch to sell its Bloomberg stake

Yeah, sign of the times. Merrill Lynch is going to sell its 20 per cent stake in Bloomberg for $4.5 billion. It's a lot of money, and certain people are saying that Merrill needs fresh capital to fight off the credit storm. It's a point of view, I suppose. But I know better.

I have been speaking to my dear friend John Thain, the Merrill boss, and he told me, 'Sure, the money will come in handy, but that's not why we're selling. Bloomberg has had its day. Just think - can you recall one mention of mystical capitalism by Bloomberg in the last six months? The Mail and Telegraph websites are on the ball, but where is Bloomberg? Bankers and traders want to know about the latest developments concerning Big Herb, Ganesh, and the ghosts of the dead financiers, but Bloomberg just ain't delivering. Basically, it's shape up or ship out time.'

After that, John made me an offer - £25 million for 10 per cent of Money is the way. But I turned him down, and I'll tell you why. He thinks a stake in my blog would give him some control over the stories I write. Regular readers will remember how pissed at me he was when I revealed a little while ago that he was a Red Indian chief in a past life. Well, I always tell my readers the truth. That will never change. I'm keeping my independence.

Wednesday, 16 July 2008

When the trading's over

Blood, blood, blood … and tears, tears, and recession! No, no, no. Why should a rat have life? There will be no recession. My golden dream! My eyes! O Satan, get away! Get away from me. Ah! Oh! Oh!

Credit crunch, credit, crunch, crunch! Through this swirling nightmare, my spinning head, my weary legs, my bleeding mouth, my broken heart, my smashed ears, blood, blood, I see blood with my dead eyes! O Big Herb, where are you? O Ganesh, O beautiful elephant, O Ganesh! And Jesus! Save me! Buddha! Save me! But who can you save, with your poverty? Oh, I'm in tears! I'm broken! The sadness of it all.

FTSE 100. FTSE 100. FTSE 100. Say it again and again and again. Bang a drum. Bang a gong. Get it on. Meditation! My nerves won't stand it. The tears are mixing with the blood. But we shall fight them on the astral plane! We need strength. O ghosts of the dead financiers, spill your ectoplasm for us. We want to see it. Show us your passion. How much do you care? You know we love you.

I want to hear,
I want to hear,
The scream of the chancellor.

I once had a dream. A golden dream. Money. Money. Money. Where is the money?

There is blood! We will pay for this. The cosmos wants our blood. I can feel it.

Hotheads are calling for a sacrifice! No, no, no! We will not engage in such barbarism. Have you gone insane? What are you thinking of? What am I thinking of? What? What am I saying? Who said that? Whose voice is that?

When the trading's over,
When the trading's over,
When the trading's over,
Turn out the lights.

Monday, 14 July 2008

Lehman Brothers: the dark pool

Some disturbing news this morning. In a new joint venture with the London Stock Exchange, Lehman Brothers is going to launch a dark pool trading platform - Baikal. Well, I'm sorry, but this sounds absolutely demonic. I know the credit crunch has damaged a lot of investment banks, but there is no need for Lehman to resort to Satanism.

I have been speaking to award-winning financial psychic Keith Busby about this, and he is as shocked as I am. He told me, 'Does Lehman Brothers actually know anything about dark pools? Dark pools can be found on the lower levels of the astral plane where all the demons and lost souls hang out. They are not nice places. There is wailing, and gnashing of teeth. You just wouldn't believe. And now we discover that these Lehman morons want to use one of these dark pools as a trading platform. Are these guys crazy? Tell me, are they crazy? It won't work. They will lose more money. And God knows what else they will lose.'

Yeah, what else will they lose? It doesn't bear thinking about.

Friday, 11 July 2008

Jon Aisbitt: the power of prayer

Man Group revealed yesterday that it had set a record for sales of its hedge funds in the past three months - $5 billion! A lot of other hedge funds are suffering heavy withdrawals from investors at the moment. So, what is Man's secret?

I have been speaking to the chairman of Man Group, Jon Aisbitt, and he told me, 'A lot of people in the industry think I'm off my fucking rocker. They ask me - Jon, why don't you pray to Big Herb? Now, I ain't got nothing against Big Herb. I like the guy. But I actually prefer dealing with Ganesh. Yeah, he's a big elephant motherfucker, but so what? Ganesh gets results. Friends ask me - Jon, how can you pray to a god that looks like an elephant? And I'm like - get off my dick! Do you know what I mean? If I want to pray to a god that looks like an elephant, I'll do it, and no one will stop me. I'm adamant on this. Besides, millions of Indians pray to Ganesh every day. It ain't done them no harm. So I say to hedge fund managers everywhere - Big Herb is great, but he's not the only money god around. You've got to have an open mind. Money is at stake, for Christ's sake!'

Wow! What a refreshing attitude.

Thursday, 10 July 2008

Aphorisms II: this time it's personal

The credit crunch is God's way of reminding us how much of a socialist He is.

There is nothing more vulgar than a person who has no interest in money and insists on telling everyone.

Charity should not only begin at home but should also double-lock the doors and get a Dobermann.

A religious person will consider the prospect of selling his or her soul to the devil a very terrible thing. But this is merely fear of failure. How more terrible would it be if the devil refused to buy? What a blow to the ego!

Capitalism is in tune with human nature. Socialists are inhuman.

Reality is the most disturbing thing a socialist will ever have to deal with.

Only a truly righteous person can gather great wealth and not feel guilty about it.

You can't take it with you, but you can stop other people getting their grubby little hands on it.

There is more poetry in the soul of a banker than in the soul of any so-called poet. Beauty can be found in the strangest places. In a bank. In a stock exchange. In the Mayfair office of a hedge fund. But have you seen the shitholes some poets live in? And have you seen their fingernails?

Hedge fund managers rush in where angels fear to tread.

If Polly Toynbee ever ends up in heaven, I'm giving the joint a wide berth.

Each man buys the thing he loves. Some do it with a credit card. Some with cash.

Wednesday, 9 July 2008

IndyMac: elevated levels

Elevated levels? What's this? Well, apparently, IndyMac said yesterday that depositors had continued to withdraw money from the bank at 'elevated levels' since June, when a senator, Charles Schumer, urged regulators to monitor the US mortgage lender's condition.

I have been speaking to Charlie boy. He told me, 'I regret it now, and I hope God will forgive me. But I had to do it. Jack had me over a barrel. Jack Pickles. He was blackmailing me. And I thought he was my friend. But we had a falling out after I criticized his brother Nicky. Called him a two-bit crook. I didn't think Jack cared about his brother. He said to me - Senator, we're both part of the same hypocrisy, but never think it applies to my family. I know now that Nicky isn't even involved with his brother's business. Oh, what a mess! I've got to go into the Witness Protection Program with Samuel Israel III. God forgive me.'

Latest Jack Pickles news: Jack has been spotted in Brazil, hiding from the Feds. But he just can't stay out of trouble. Various characters were arrested in Brazil yesterday - Daniel Dantas (head of the Opportunity group), Naji Nahas (a top investor), and Celso Pitta (a former mayor of Sao Paulo). All working for Jack. He's only been in the country five minutes.

Tuesday, 8 July 2008

Beyond the credit crunch

I dream of a world beyond the credit crunch, where bankers and traders and investors can sing and dance in the streets and know that their money and shares are safe. O Big Herb, O Ganesh, O ghosts of the dead financiers, what is going on? Where is the joy and the love and the freedom we were promised?

O my children, my brothers, my sisters, fear not. The gods and ghosts have not forsaken us. They are working for us on the astral plane. Have faith. I have seen the future - the future that was promised. Big Herb will deliver. So will Ganesh. The ghosts of the dead financiers are working overtime. Soon, there will be a sign. Maybe a comet in the sky. Or a great burning in the markets. But there will be a sign.

Praise the gods, the ghosts, the angels, even the zombies. Show them that you care. O my children, I heard the owl in Lombard Street last night, hooting. Yes, it was hooting! Surely you feel better now, knowing this. There is hope. Otherwise, why would it hoot? Think about it.

Beyond the credit crunch we will live, where money burns for ever. Believe. You must believe.

Monday, 7 July 2008

Driss Ben-Brahim defects to GLG Partners

Goldman Sachs superstar Driss Ben-Brahim has defected to GLG partners! Driss is a top trader and will certainly give a boost to GLG, which is losing Greg Coffey this October. Apparently, Driss is going to take control of the Emerging Markets Special Situations fund, presently run by Greg. Wonderful! Also, he will develop a global macro business. Brilliant!

I have been speaking to the boss of GLG Partners, Noam Gottesman, and he told me, 'I've found an impressive hire for the distressed space. A lot of people thought I wouldn't be able to do it, but I did it. I did it! The distressed space is filled. It's full. Driss is in the space now. He lives in the space. The space where dreams come true, where you can be a real man, where love is all around you. There is no anger in the space. No fear. Only peace, and hope, and things of beauty. Driss is a thing of beauty. A man's man as well. I want to see him grow in the space. GLG will grow with him. Big Herb has already given his blessing. We're going to make so much money. Rejoice!'

I love Noam Gottesman. Sure, he talks a lot of shit, but I just love the guy.

Friday, 4 July 2008

Born in the U.S.A.

BORN IN THE U.S.A.
I WAS
BORN IN THE U.S.A.
I WAS
BORN IN THE U.S.A.
BORN IN THE U.S.A.

No I wasn't. I don't know what comes over me sometimes.

Thursday, 3 July 2008

China clamps down on hot money

China announced a strengthening of capital controls yesterday in an attempt to limit the amount of hot money entering the economy. Good. The Chinese don't like hot money. But, let's be honest, who does?

Now, some of you may have no idea what hot money is. Let me explain. During the process of the mystical burning of money it is very difficult to control the temperature of the money. The money exists in your mind. It exists on the astral plane. It burns - for ever. However, sometimes in the hands of an inexperienced person the money can overheat. The flames are okay. Nothing wrong with flames. But you must keep an eye on the temperature. If the money gets too hot, the fire can spread beyond the actual money and into areas of your mind and your soul where neither fire nor money should be. In a worst-case scenario, it could even spread throughout the astral plane. Have you ever seen a ghost that has been burnt to a crisp? Well, I haven't, and it's not something I ever want to see.

China is doing the right thing. That country is just about getting to grips with normal capitalism. Mystical capitalism is something else. Obviously, China doesn't want to tempt fate by allowing hot money to burn out of control. It's all about control, you see. Look at the shamans. A financial shaman is a master of control. He can control money, the banking system, spirits, and himself. That's the really important thing. Self-control. Once you've got that, you're laughing.

One more thing. I think the Chinese are a very mystical people. Just think of all that I Ching shit. Mystical capitalism should be a piece of piss for them. Expect great things from China in the coming years.

Wednesday, 2 July 2008

Societe Generale: your focus, our focus

On what should we focus? Ah, the age-old question.

There is a hermit who lives in a cave. There is a mystic. There are worlds beyond ours. There is money in the bank. There is blood. There will be tears. Ideas help us make the difference. Thank you. Equity derivatives.

Macro research - who needs it? Where do we find the money? Focus. Look into your heart. Look into the eyes of Satan. One day all our dreams will come true. One day all our nightmares will evaporate with the morning dew. Smile.

Day after day. Societe Generale Cross Asset Research. It makes sense. If you travel far enough in your mind, it all makes sense. Let's go and not come back. Let's go and stay there always, in the Shadowlands. Rejoice!

Sometimes the darkness takes me, and I cannot resist. But we all get like that sometimes, don't we? Others embrace the darkness. They love it. Money has destroyed them. It's so sad. Fixed income. Trust. Thank you.

A rough night. Blood on the window. My eyes! I can't see my eyes! Run inside. Hide. Finance. Tears. More blood. The horror.

Our clients. Oh, our clients! How many more times? Must we always be slaves? Where is the freedom we were promised? Let's sleep for a thousand years. Financial markets will sleep as well. And dream. The dream of the righteous.

Value. Is there any value any more?