Wednesday, 19 August 2009

Hogarth Davies Lloyd is suing Nomura!

Eh? What? Why? What the hell is going on? Okay, everyone, calm down!

O Master, does that include me?

Right, Hogarth Davies Lloyd is a headhunting firm (in the modern sense) and it is suing Nomura because Nomura has not paid for a wild bunch of ex-Lehman bankers who were hired by the Japanese bank (in London) with the help of HDL last year. Or something like that. HDL wants its money. Basically, that's what we're talking about.

Only one question: were the Lehman Brothers bankers worth paying for?

I have been speaking to the head of human resources at Nomura, Stephen Sidebottom, and he told me, 'Michael, er - man, do you have any idea what state these Lehman freaks were in when we took them on last year? (I have a vague idea, Stephen.) A vague idea? Sod 'a vague idea', Mike! Let me tell you, their auras were an absolute disgrace! (I know all this.) No, listen, Michael. Their chakras were not whirling at all. (Not one little spin?) No. Dead chakras. And we had to get a team of shamans in - at considerable expense - to deal with this. (Shamans? What shamans? Why didn't you call me?) You're too expensive. (It seems to me, Stephen, that you don't want to spend any money at all. You have to pay for talent, you know.) We used Keith Busby and a few of his associates. (Keith is a financial psychic, not a financial shaman.) What's the difference? (Oh, for fuck's sake! I have been writing my blog for over two years now, and you still don't know the difference?!) Michael, I don't read your blog. I'm not into all this voodoo nonsense. (IT AIN'T FUCKING VOODOO NONSENSE!!! It's mystical capitalism. And if you're not into it, why do you care about your employees' auras and chakras then? Answer that one.) Mr Fowke, it's just the way things are these days. We're pragmatists. We know you can't run an investment bank in the current climate without at least paying lip service to this voodoo tomfoolery.'

Dear reader, I won't tell you what I said to Mr Sidebottom after that, but you can imagine, can't you? You know the sort of temper I have.

And Hogarth Davies Lloyd? Forget about taking Nomura to court. I want to see heads on spikes!