Wednesday, 31 August 2011

Citadel is suing Yihao Ben Pu

And I don't want to call him "Yihao Ben Pu". So "Yihao"? Or "Pu"? No. Let's settle on "Ben". No one by the name of "Ben" could be a criminal. Anyway, this "Ben" is being sued by Citadel because the hedge fund claims he stole massive amounts of highly confidential data and was in talks with Teza Technologies. Oh, not Teza again! Teza Technologies was founded by Mikhail Malyshev - another ex-Citadel man sued by the hedge fund for ... you guessed it, stealing massive amounts of highly confidential data ... probably. I can't remember all the details.

Details aren't important, are they? All we really need to know is that Citadel is totally nuts about Teza Technologies. It's an obsession. A sickness. It's a derangement. (Of all the senses? I wouldn't rule it out. Anything is possible.) I think Citadel should bring me in, as a consultant. I could cure them, for a small fee. The executives, I mean. They must sit around all day - or, more likely, writhe around, on the floor - foaming at the mouth, pulling at their hair, biting their fingers - to the bone! (Not fingernails. I suspect it's far more serious than that.) Just consumed with anger for Teza Technologies! It's irrational. Fortunately, I specialize in the irrational. It's bread and butter to me. And a bit of jam.

Well, it's not hamburgers. It's not dead flesh crying for gold - to quote Rimbaud. I'm a vegetarian. An ex-Krishna freak. (I wasn't a monk. I stayed in their temple one weekend. That was enough for me.) Yes, it's bread and butter. And it is jam. All over my face, like a little boy, without a care in the world. I like it that way. Call me immature, if you want to. It won't bother me. I get results. Citadel? I can stop their writhing, the foaming, everything. I'll give them something terrible to focus on. From hell. It'll burn their minds. They won't worry about Teza Technologies stealing their data. They'll worry about demons stealing their souls. They won't be suing "Ben" or "Mik". They won't be suing anyone. I'll put a stop to all the nonsense. And when it's over, once the flames have died down, they'll have new priorities; maybe even a vision of the future of their beloved hedge fund - I'll charge extra for that.

I reckon Citadel will be on the phone to me any minute now.