Wednesday, 17 August 2011

Todd Edgar is leaving BarCap to start his own hedge fund

No, you didn't hear it here first, but at least Todd is willing to speak to me. He's not willing to speak to anyone else because he thinks they're all scum, and he's right. He likes me though. I'm his favourite. I'm not jealous of his success. I wish him all the best - constantly, even when I'm asleep. I do it in dreams.

Anyway, this is what was spoken between us: 'Mikey, I've finally developed a taste for it. (A taste for what?) Mystical capitalism. I can't wait to get out into the desert with my new hedge fund. I'm so excited! (Oh dear. Todd, mate, we don't do the desert thing no more.) Eh? (That's all over and done with. We have a harder, more realistic mysticism in the cities now.) Oh, Mikey! Why am I always the last one to know? It's my fault, I suppose, for not reading on a regular basis. What about the astral plane? (Yeah, that's gone too.) Damn. Well, if that's what Big Herb wants, who are we to argue, eh, Mike? (It's nothing to do with Big Herb. I had to let him go.) Er ... you had to let a god go?! Why do I get the feeling you're not telling me everything? (I ... I had to ... put an end to his life, Todd. It was the only way. He wouldn't listen to reason, so ... I had to cancel his fucking contract. I'm in charge now, and things are ... different.) Mikey, this is terrible! What about the ghosts? (I had to ... let them go, as well.) What about Ganesh? I loved that crazy fucking elephant. Don't tell me - (He's okay. He's in exile.) So you have some decency then? I had no idea you were so ruthless, Mike. (Don't think badly of me, Todd. I did it for the children. They're the future, after all.) Yes, I suppose so. But I'm still shocked. And I know my team will be shocked. They all think you're some harmless hippie type. (Manson was a hippie, Todd.) Jesus Christ. I can't get my head round this. What about Jack Pickles? (I am - I was, Jack.) Oh, man, you're freaking me out! This is too much. I gotta go, man. I gotta go.'

Don't worry, children, Todd will be all right. I'll phone him back in a couple of days. Let's give him a chance to adjust to the new reality. He's a very sensitive lad, you know.