Tuesday, 23 August 2011

Sutesh Sharma is leaving Citigroup for Portman Square Capital

Portman Square Capital? Perhaps no one has ever heard of it. Could it be? Yes! It's a hedge fund that doesn't even exist. Imagine that! Sutesh Sharma is such a visionary. And so courageous. How many proprietary traders will have the guts, one day, [one day!], to leave a cushy job for a hedge fund that doesn't even exist? Quite a lot will, if they are given half a chance, or even less. Actually, they're all at it, already. They have been for some time. Did you know? Oh, I'm sure you did.

But,,, this,,, Portman Square Capital. Unfortunately, Toby Lingard is involved in the imaginary hedge fund. No, I don't know anything about him. (I am in the dark.) I'm just unnaturally suspicious of anyone with the name "Toby". It's a prejudice of mine, impure, and reasonably complicated. What can I do? This is the way I feel. [I have feelings too?] I'm sure he's a very nice man. (A vicious psychopath going by the name of "Toby"? No one would be willing to suspend their disbelief. It would be ludicrous.) Sutesh should have a word with him. 'Toby, if we want to be taken seriously, you've got to drop the "Toby". Money's at stake, man!' Something along those lines. "Toby" has all the wrong vibrations. I mean, I'm a shaman. If a shaman (foremost, financial) doesn't know about vibrations, who does?

Let's take a closer look at Sutesh Sharma. If we asked him nicely, do you think he would remove that awful "r" and put an "n" on the end? Would he do that, for us? How attached is he to his surname? Obviously, we are not talking about a "Toby" situation here. It's not that serious. But if he made the "r" and "n" changes, wouldn't that show commitment to the cause, maybe even a deranged passion? - which is what we're looking for in our hedgies, after all. I don't think it's too much to ask. Sutesh either wants to make money or he doesn't. He needs to understand that our way is the best way. Sure, he can make a bit on his own. Chump change, as it were. But in these terrible times you're not going to make BIG MONEY unless you're in tune with the cosmos. Basically, in tune with me. Because I am MR COSMOS. Well, I'm not. Sounds Greek. But you know what I mean. Anyone with any intellect at all knows what I mean. I don't have to keep explaining myself. (Do I?) This is exhausting. Is it lunchtime yet?