Wednesday, 30 November 2016

Old Mutual Global Investors is launching the Style Premia Absolute Return fund

Soon! Like, uh, tomorrow, man. [Well, beginning of December, "they" say.] So, that's something to look forward to. 'Although not very far, boss. Only twenty-four hours. Then you'll get that empty feeling again. You'll be desperate for the new sensation.' New sensation?! What are you going on about? Don't try and bring me down, son. I'm feeling reasonably positive today. So are Leif Cussen, Paul Simpson, and John Dow. 'Who on earth are they?!' Christ! They're the OMGI guys who will be managing the fund. 'OMGI guys?!' Old Mutual Global Investors. 'Oh.' Yes. They're going to manage STAR. 'What? Which star? Not you, surely?' Eh? 'Tony went to fight in Belfast. Rudi stayed at home to starve. You could make it all worthwhile as a rock and roll star.' Yes, okay. 'Bevan tried to change the nation. Sonny wants to turn the world. Well, he can tell you that he tried. You could make a transformation as a rock and roll star!' Will you shut up, Voice? Please! STAR is the Style Premia Absolute Return fund. 'Oh, right. I thought it was something glamorous. Some exciting news, like. I thought you had representation, man.' Shut up! This is actually exciting for the world of finance. STAR is a great name for a new fund.

What else? It's a Ucits fund. Liquid alternatives or something. I don't know. 'Hey, be careful, man. They've got a beverage there.' Exactly! / Anyway, I wish them all the best with it. I'm sure Leif, Paul, and John are going to have a wonderful time. 'Yeah, right before Christmas.' What do you mean? 'Ha! You wouldn't catch the Aviva Investors mob launching a new fund on the first of December.' Er ... I don't think you would catch them launching a new fund at any time, Voice. Schroders maybe. 'I mean, their Christmas party starts tomorrow, yeah?' Everyone needs a Christmas party, Voice. Don't be a Scrooge! 'But when will it ever end?!' The party? Mid-January. Same as every year. What's your problem? Don't you like to see people having fun? 'Well, there's fun, boss, and then there's fun. These people are degenerates, wasters.' Shut up!

What a bloody idiot! / Finance characters are either working hard or having fun. But the Voice is never happy. 'It's just the way I am.'


Anything else? Well, Royal Bank of Scotland has failed a stress test. It needs to raise £2 billion in capital now. However, I don't write about banks any more, just funds. 'Why not, boss?' I don't know. They don't seem as exciting as they once did. 'Maybe those banks in Italy will collapse soon.' Yes, that will be something to write about. Thanks!