Citi: dreams never sleep

O Citi, Citi, glorious Citigroup - dreams never sleep! Citi never sleeps! Maybe we dream of opening a business. Maybe we dream of enriching our lives. Maybe we dream of crawling through the desert while vultures circle above us!

Our dreams are always there! Where? In the desert, my friend. And Citi shamans and mystics are always wide awake! They are the awakened ones!

O Citi, Citi, glorious Citigroup - your children are burning in the desert! The fire of money has taken their dreams to the astral desert and they are burning now with love for you and for everyone with wild flames flickering as if hell itself were open in the minds of us all. But this is not hell. Oh no, it is a mystical burning like we've never seen! O my children, my brothers, my sisters, let us dance and sing, and pray to Big Herb. Let us bless Citi, and let Citi burn with money, and let the money burn us, and then we shall sleep while we are still awake! Just imagine it! We shall sleep while we are still awake! How? Why? Where? In the fire of Citi's money with dreams that never sleep! O Citi, you never sleep! YOU NEVER SLEEP!

Vikram Pandit sells the church of his love for $5 million

Citigroup's chief executive, Vikram Pandit, will identify in a meeting with Wall Street analysts today up to $400 billion in non-core assets which could be sold to reduce costs at the bank. But I can reveal - and with a heavy heart - that Vik has already sold the church of his love to an anonymous buyer for $5 million.

Vik wouldn't speak to me on the phone last night. I guess he feels ashamed. But I was able to speak to the anonymous buyer - I know who he is, by the way - and he told me, 'I'm so happy. So very, very happy. It's the church of my love now, and I will cherish it. The church will live in my heart. It will grow with me, and it will teach me. $5 million! What a bargain! I suppose Mr Pandit just wanted it off his hands. I won't ever sell it though.'

The church has gone to a good home. And if you're wondering - no, Noam Gottesman is not the buyer.

Hank Paulson warns of unpleasant surprises

Hank Paulson, the US Treasury secretary, has been speaking to a newspaper about the credit crisis. On the whole, it is good news. Hank reckons the credit crisis is almost over, but he warns of 'unpleasant surprises'.

Now, anyone not as familiar with the cosmos as I am would think that these unpleasant surprises would be connected to the markets in some way. Oh dear oh dear. How wrong some people can be! No, I've been on the astral plane this afternoon, and I have found out from a very good source that these unpleasant surprises concern Hank personally, and involve the demonic financier Jack Pickles. And I should have known. Why did I waste my time schlepping around the plane? All I had to do was think of 'unpleasant surprises' and 'finance' or 'banking', and the words 'Jack Pickles' would have shot into my head like a couple of dumdum bullets. That bastard has his fingers in so many nasty financial pies that it just makes your chakras vibrate. His latest wheeze is an attempt (maybe next week) to kidnap Hank Paulson and then brainwash him into joining his new organization. And what's the name of this new organization? If you know, you're a better man than I am. I suspect it doesn't even have a name. Remember those comedians, the Lords of Fenchurch Street? Yeah, I closed them down, but they had a great name, didn't they? Jack is probably wracking his brains, trying to dream up something as good as that. However, he never did have much of an imagination. And that is why - with all his power - he still hasn’t been able to outwit me.

Anyway, Hank, mate, if you're reading this, you better get in touch with me. I'm probably the only person on earth who can protect you from Jack. Of course, you may want to go your own way and contact Big Herb in the world of spirit, but there is very little chance he will actually help you. I know you like to think you're Big Hank Paulson from the US Treasury, but that won't cut any ice with Big Herb. You're not a financial shaman, so he won't give two shits about you. That's one of the harsh realities of mystical capitalism. Your world is changing, boy. Get used to it. Send me an email (address below) with your telephone number, and I'll see what I can do.

Noam Gottesman: the distressed space

The boss of GLG, Noam Gottesman, has been understandably depressed since the departure of the amazing Greg Coffey. But he says we should now: 'Expect an impressive hire in the distressed space.'

I imagine a lot of you are wondering what this 'distressed space' is. You would be forgiven for thinking that Mr Gottesman had lost his mind. But let me explain. The distressed space is a hole in our soul. A hole in our consciousness. It is within us. It is also outside of us. It is the cosmos. It is the consciousness of the cosmos. The soul is within and without. Sometimes we feel sad. Sometimes we feel happy. But we always operate within the distressed space. We must grow and learn in this space, and we must go on a journey. The journey is the journey of destiny, of fire, and - ultimately - money. This is the distressed space. We live here.

Peter Kraus: I ain't missing you at all

That's a lie. A goddamn lie. Peter Kraus has been missing John Thain, and now he has joined him at Merrill Lynch. I'm welling up over here. I love a happy ending.

For those of you who don't have a fucking clue what I'm talking about - and may not even care - let me explain. Peter Kraus used to be a fund manager at Goldman Sachs, and John Thain used to be his boss. Then - sadly - John left. But there was no way, just no way, these two were going to stay apart for long. I'm not saying they were star-crossed lovers or anything of that sort. That would be so ridiculous. Why did I even mention it? But I am saying Peter and John have always been soulmates. I wouldn't be at all surprised if they knew each other in a past life. Remember that John Thain was a Native American chief at one point. God knows what Peter Kraus was.

Soulmates are important in business. Soulmates always get results. You put two people together who can read each other's minds, whose chakras are synchronized, whose auras are the same colour, and the next thing you know, the money is rolling in. And that is what is going to happen at Merrill now. Peter and John are together again, and woe betide any motherfucker who tries to split them up.

Jerker Johansson is positively surprised

So would I be, with a name like that - but that's beside the point. Jerker is the new head of investment banking at UBS. He reckons he has been positively surprised by the position of UBS's investment banking division in the US. Why? That's what we all want to know. Why?

I have been speaking to award-winning financial psychic Keith Busby, and he told me, 'I know why he's so positively surprised, and it ain't got nothing to do with no half-arsed banking division in the US. Jerker is one of my clients. I've had quite a few sessions with him. First off, I had to do a soul scan on him, and I was pretty shocked by what I saw. His aura - and I'm going to speak bluntly here - was an absolute fucking mess. And that couldn't all be down to UBS's recent troubles. I don't know what kind of life he has had, and I don't want to know, but anyway, I had to sort his aura out. Which I did, with a healing crystal. Of course, his chakras were all bent out of shape. But I sorted them as well by dancing around him and making a humming noise. I also gave him some counselling, which I can't go into. The result though is what you see right now - a happy, smiling man who is positively surprised. That's down to me, that is. So please, let's not hear any silly talk about banking in America.'

Dawnay, Day Investment Banking: the future!

Some exciting news! Dawnay, Day - a property and financial services group - is setting up an investment bank. Its corporate finance and corporate broking businesses are going to be merged into Dawnay, Day Investment Banking (DDIB). Drinks all round!

This is a very brave move by Peter Klimt and Guy Naggar. I just hope they can succeed in the present climate. And that's why I have prepared a blessing for them. These guys need all the help they can get.

O Big Herb, O Ganesh, I call on you, money gods supreme, to bless Dawnay, Day Investment Banking. You know it makes sense. Peter and Guy need you! Do not abandon them in the vast vastness of the cosmos. It's cold out there! Warm them up with the fire of money. Guy has already conceded that DDIB could lose money in its first year. No! No! No! You must stop this! It will not be their evil fate to lose money.

O Big Herb, O Ganesh, I spoke to Jesus last night, and saw him in a vision. That bloke is about as useful as a chocolate teapot. I told him about Peter and Guy. He just stared at me blankly and said that he couldn't help. O money gods, what a disgrace! You must do something.

O Big Herb, O Ganesh, bless Peter Klimt. That man has a beautiful soul.

O Big Herb, O Ganesh, bless Guy Naggar. I wouldn't say he had a beautiful soul, but he's not a bad lad. Please help him.

Miles Flint goes to Silver Lake

Miles Flint, the ex-Sony Ericsson president, has joined the private equity group Silver Lake. He is a senior adviser to the technology investor. The fact that a top manager such as Miles wants to join a buy-out firm is a good sign. It means the credit squeeze isn't harming everyone. But that name - Miles Flint. I swear I've heard it somewhere before.

I have been speaking to Susan Flint from Bad Moon Investments, and she told me, 'Oh, I'm so happy that Uncle Miles has got a new job. And he'll be working with some great people - Nikesh Arora, George Kadifa, Kurt Lauk, Michael Oliver. Michael Oliver from Mystical Cash Gurus could be a problem though. He is also acting as an adviser to Silver Lake, helping it pick the best financial shamans and money mystics. Unfortunately, my uncle just hasn't got any time for any sort of mystical tomfoolery - as he would say. Actually, when I was a child I was always pestering him, saying things like - Uncle Miles, look at my nice new crystal, or - Uncle Miles, let me do a tarot card reading for you. He would always reply - I ain't interested in no voodoo shit. It was so funny. It became his catchphrase.'

Paul Idzik is leaving Barclays

Paul Idzik, chief operating officer at Barclays, has decided to leave the bank. Apparently, he has enjoyed a very close relationship with the big boss John Varley, and has been helping Varley in his attempts to overhaul the bank's culture. The word on the street though is that Paul has been getting all emotional lately about the tension between John Varley and Bob Diamond. But let's not get confused over here. We ain't talking about no sexual tension, and Paul ain't jealous - that would be ridiculous. This is about the direction the bank is moving in. Bob Diamond wants to bring a crew of financial shamans and money mystics into the bank, and John Varley wants to take a far more conservative approach, i.e. hire a bunch of stiffs in suits and ties to no doubt replace the stiffs Barclays already employs. Poor Paul has been caught in the middle of this chaos.

I have been speaking to Susan Flint from Bad Moon Investments, and she said, 'He's well out of it. If I were Paul, I would go and live in a cave. He definitely needs to get away, and think about his life. He was obviously torn between John and Bob. Two powerful men fighting for the ownership of his soul. There's Bob, the maverick with a penchant for healing crystals and candles and tarot cards - the change in him has taken everyone by surprise. Then there's John, the leader, a leader of men and women, taking Barclays to greater heights - and yet no spiritual side, no understanding of how investment banks - Bob's domain - have to change in the era of mystical capitalism. No wonder Paul was confused. No wonder he was often found in a toilet cubicle just crying his little eyes out. But he's free now. As free as a bird. I want to see him soar like an eagle - preferably in the desert, you know, with his cave and all.'

I have been speaking to Bob Diamond as well. He said, 'One down, one to go. Barclays will be mine. I can feel it in my water. And then you will see some changes. Boy, will you see some changes. Compulsory meditation sessions for all staff. Crystals strapped to everyone's head. I will bring Keith Busby in to do the soul scans. I don't care how much it costs. I want Keith to check everyone out. And let me tell you, anyone with bad karma, shit chakras or a negative aura will be straight out the fucking door with all their desk junk in a black bin liner. I'm going to be ruthless. I will drag Barclays kicking and screaming and chanting and meditating into the twenty-first century. Watch this space.'

Bank of England: the worst is OVER!

Recession? Forget about it! There ain't gonna be no fucking recession. How many times do I have to tell you arseholes? I'm not referring to all the readers who agree with me. You guys are the children of god. You're kosher in my book. I'm talking about the arseholes who have been wetting themselves over the credit crunch. All the nutjob doom-mongers and professional cry babies. You know who you are.

The Bank of England has come out now and said that the correction in the credit markets has gone too far. It believes the worst of the global crisis is over. Well, better late than never, but where have these muthas been for the last few months? Can't they read a simple blog? Don't they know about the internet? If they had been following me, the nuts at the Bank of England would have known ages ago that the global credit crisis wasn't shit. People have been panicking about nothing. THERE WILL NOT BE A RECESSION. How do I know this? For crying out loud, I'm the man! I'm the money king. I can do anything. I'm in touch with Big Herb and Ganesh. Those gods are backing me to the hilt. Jesus Christ himself could come off the cross and have a go at me, but I'm untouchable with this sort of support. NO ONE CAN TOUCH ME. AND I KNOW THE TRUTH ABOUT MONEY. I see money moving in my dreams. That's how tuned in I am. And you wanna tell me I don't know shit about no recession or credit crunch? Are you for real? Get the fuck outta here!