Wednesday, 7 May 2008

Jerker Johansson is positively surprised

So would I be, with a name like that - but that's beside the point. Jerker is the new head of investment banking at UBS. He reckons he has been positively surprised by the position of UBS's investment banking division in the US. Why? That's what we all want to know. Why?

I have been speaking to award-winning financial psychic Keith Busby, and he told me, 'I know why he's so positively surprised, and it ain't got nothing to do with no half-arsed banking division in the US. Jerker is one of my clients. I've had quite a few sessions with him. First off, I had to do a soul scan on him, and I was pretty shocked by what I saw. His aura - and I'm going to speak bluntly here - was an absolute fucking mess. And that couldn't all be down to UBS's recent troubles. I don't know what kind of life he has had, and I don't want to know, but anyway, I had to sort his aura out. Which I did, with a healing crystal. Of course, his chakras were all bent out of shape. But I sorted them as well by dancing around him and making a humming noise. I also gave him some counselling, which I can't go into. The result though is what you see right now - a happy, smiling man who is positively surprised. That's down to me, that is. So please, let's not hear any silly talk about banking in America.'