Hank Paulson, the US Treasury secretary, has been speaking to a newspaper about the credit crisis. On the whole, it is good news. Hank reckons the credit crisis is almost over, but he warns of 'unpleasant surprises'.
Now, anyone not as familiar with the cosmos as I am would think that these unpleasant surprises would be connected to the markets in some way. Oh dear oh dear. How wrong some people can be! No, I've been on the astral plane this afternoon, and I have found out from a very good source that these unpleasant surprises concern Hank personally, and involve the demonic financier Jack Pickles. And I should have known. Why did I waste my time schlepping around the plane? All I had to do was think of 'unpleasant surprises' and 'finance' or 'banking', and the words 'Jack Pickles' would have shot into my head like a couple of dumdum bullets. That bastard has his fingers in so many nasty financial pies that it just makes your chakras vibrate. His latest wheeze is an attempt (maybe next week) to kidnap Hank Paulson and then brainwash him into joining his new organization. And what's the name of this new organization? If you know, you're a better man than I am. I suspect it doesn't even have a name. Remember those comedians, the Lords of Fenchurch Street? Yeah, I closed them down, but they had a great name, didn't they? Jack is probably wracking his brains, trying to dream up something as good as that. However, he never did have much of an imagination. And that is why - with all his power - he still hasn’t been able to outwit me.
Anyway, Hank, mate, if you're reading this, you better get in touch with me. I'm probably the only person on earth who can protect you from Jack. Of course, you may want to go your own way and contact Big Herb in the world of spirit, but there is very little chance he will actually help you. I know you like to think you're Big Hank Paulson from the US Treasury, but that won't cut any ice with Big Herb. You're not a financial shaman, so he won't give two shits about you. That's one of the harsh realities of mystical capitalism. Your world is changing, boy. Get used to it. Send me an email (address below) with your telephone number, and I'll see what I can do.