Wednesday, 24 October 2007

No need for Tony Hayward to get depressed

I hope BP chief executive Tony Hayward isn't going to get depressed about BP's terrible third quarter results. These things happen in business, but I'm sure BP will bounce back.

I suggest that Mr Hayward goes in for a bit of meditation. It will chill him out a lot and he'll probably forget all about his troubles.

Here's what he should do. Lie down in a darkened room. Only ponces sit with their legs crossed. Think about a happy event in his childhood. Relax and take deep breaths. Imagine a money spider is crawling over his head. Imagine a blue orb is floating above his head. Concentrate hard. HIS PANTS ARE ON FIRE!!! - at this stage, Mr Hayward should jump up in a mad panic. This is called shock meditation. It is a special technique I have developed over the years that prepares you for anything. After realizing his pants aren't really on fire, the BP boss should be able to go about his normal business with a new enthusiasm and an amazing amount of energy.