Wednesday, 28 November 2007

SRM Global buys 6.97 million Northern Rock shares

Hedge fund SRM Global has bought 6.97 million shares in disaster bank Northern Rock. This is a serious attempt to stop Sir Richard Branson's Virgin Money taking over. Why would SRM Global want to do this?

I have been speaking to Arthur Simmons from the Chaos College of Finance and he told me, 'Branson is an unconventional businessman. I presume certain conservative figures in the banking world don't want him getting his hands on Northern Rock. Actually, I've heard Branson is planning to hire hundreds of shamans and mystics to work at the bank - but don't quote me on that.'

That's what it is then. The suits don't want to see financial shamans and money mystics practically taking over a top bank. Sure, mystics and shamans are employed by banks in small numbers, but they are carefully controlled and not fully trusted yet.

Tatum Jones from Dodger Coombes says, 'What is everyone so worried about? Dodger Coombes employs more shamans and mystics than any major bank and we are making billions of pounds. I would definitely trust a financial shaman to invest my life's savings for me.'