Monday, 26 September 2011

The Monday morning question: do we need more regulation of ETFs?

The Monday morning question?! What's this nonsense? Some ridiculous marketing gimmick? Forget about it. I'm going to sack that fucking intern! And it's nearly lunchtime - or it will be, nearly. And I didn't have any breakfast. I can't function properly without my toast and tea. Blackcurrant jam? You bet! But, anyway, ETFs: do we need more regulation of ETFs? Synthetic ETFs or any other sort? No! We don't. There is too much regulation already. How is anyone supposed to make any money? Regulators like the FSA [dead shark, thinks it's alive] will soon be telling us how many times a day we're allowed to go to the toilet. (Just how Hitler got started.) Well, they won't be telling me. They have no power over me. I don't trade. I don't work for a financial firm. I don't have any shares in anything. I'm aloof. Above it. Away from the dirt and the noise. Olympian. That's why I'm so respected, and why financiers, investors, and mystic kooks from all over the world value my advice. I'm not one of these dodgy journalists. You don't know what they're involved in, half of them.

All I can say is: bring on the cheese rolls! (Like old-fashioned sausage rolls, but cheese.) I'm starving. Trust me, you don't want to write about ETFs, you don't even want to think about ETFs, not when you're hungry and you know there are some cheese rolls in the fridge downstairs, along with some Disco big flavoured crunchy snacks, and a mango and passion fruit yoghurt, and a can of Coke - and none of that diet muck. And don't ask me why I've put big flavoured crunchy snacks in the fridge. It's just convenient. They're in the bag with the other stuff. So there - I've told you. Are you satisfied now?

And let me tell you, I'm looking forward to the Monday afternoon depression. Well, I can't say I'm looking forward to it, but I know it's coming. Overcast, ain't it? Where's that Indian summer? Good news: it starts tomorrow! That will cheer me up. I'll be able to go for a walk in the park. Might even pop over to Chiswick. There are a lot of fit birds in Chiswick, you know. And the sun brings them out. It's hormones or something. The sun activates them? I don't know. I'm not a doctor.

I'm a shaman. I am the world's foremost financial shaman. I should be writing about ETFs. If I can just forget about the cheese rolls, and forget about the women, you never know, I might actually achieve something today. I might write a post that even the squares will take an interest in. But don't hold your breath.

Let's leave it here. 'One more thing?' No, this isn't Columbo. No more questions. I won't be doing this again.